My boyfriends relationship with his ex

[tinkerbell]

Hello all!

hope you can help, ive been seeing my boyfriend for a year now, it'd be nice to hear peoples opinion on the relationship and my doubts. My friends seem to just tell me what i want to hear! So be honest.. but not too brutal!

We had an odd start, he was living with his ex still (they have a 5 year old little girl) he had split up with her mum 2 years before but he says he stayed there out of fear that she would run off with his daughter if he actually moved out. I did think this was suspect but he is a bit of a worryer so I did believe him. I later found out that his dad (where he is living now) lived 6 doors away from his ex's house so this did make me wonder why he couldnt have left sooner, but ok whatever. He moved out when we started dating back to his dads.

His ex has been with another guy, pretty much as soon as they broke up 2 years before, (3 years ago now) She got engaged to him very quick and shes just moved in with him. Over this year my partner has found it very difficult not doing what his ex says. He says its because hes worried she'll stop him from seeing his daughter, hes paid her lots of money on top of his required amount, bought her things for her new house when she asked, paid bills for her and generally done what she says, he can never say no to her. He didnt tell her about me for a couple of months when we first got together, on our first weekend away she suspected he was with someone else and called him saying he shouldnt be away leaving their daughter.. So we come home, even though he could see I was very upset & hurt about it.. obviously!
He told me only a few weeks ago that when he eventually told her about me 8 months ago, she said she has never really loved her current fiance and begged for my partner back. At the time when he told her, I asked what else was said and he swore he couldnt remember anything, swore on his daughters life there was nothing more. He told me he didnt say as he didnt want me to worry. Anyway he said no to her and since then she has been really mean to him using their daughter to get to him.
Her current boyfriend is from her home town which is about a 4 hour drive away. She has no friends or family here but shes still living in our area (5 minute drive from his house). I dont know why she doesnt just go, shes not even letting her daughter see my partner so its not as if she staying for her sake. Its quite obvious from the messages she sends him that she wants to get back together.
Anyway, he has got better in the last couple of months standing up to her but only because he has changed his mobile number and doesnt hear from her, which rolls me onto my first worry, at some point when he has regular access to his daughter again he will be seeing his ex when he picks her up a few times a week, so this is when i fear he will be weak and just do what she says. Another thing he does, we can be talking about something random and insted of saying 'I went there with my ex' or 'i done that with my ex years ago' he'll say 'we went there' or 'we done that'. And this goes for anything, not just if were talking about her specificly.

From the events ive listed does it sound like he still has feelings for his ex or am I just being paranoid?!

[eightball61]

To be honest it's hard to predict his feelings however redflags are there. He may still have unfinished business (feelings) with her but she has moved on. HE does have a child so this girl will always be in his life. It's sucks feeling like the second wheel but being in this relationship this is how it is and will be. He could just nice but a time has to stop and only care for his child rather than the mother.

You canhave a talk but it may not get far. I'd say feel it out longer but if you feel his heart is elsewhere then it may be time to let go until he is completely ready so you're not the rebound.

[Susie]

Hi, first my heart goes out to you. Second, you deserve the best. Third, you will make your own choices no matter how much it hurts.
When he constantly talks about they did this and they went there and so on and so on you must tell him, flat out, it isn't fair. It hurts you. My only suggestion is that you keep out of everything that has to do with the ex. It is the hardest thing in the world to do. Busy yourself, distant yourself, take care of you. Pamper yourself, read a good book, keep your mind busy with other important things, your family, your friends, etc. If you are in the situation where you are together with him and his child, keep that child/yourself relationship completely about the two of you. You are two individuals. Do not bad mouth the other parent, do not have anything to do with her. Nothing. Let him realize he might lose you. If he sees you are not that involved he will be drawn to you.
Even if you desperately love him and have no intention of leaving him do not let him see that. Take the focus of of the shit and put it somewhere else. The universe will work for you if you let it. I wish you the best and hope you are not offended by my advice. I am in the same situation and am not necessarily practicing what I preach but I sure do want to cause I know down inside it truly is the only thing to do. Keep posting.

[jenrobsdad]

In my opinion I think he is scared that she will not allow him to see their child. Funny thing about the courts in the United States. 99% of the time if a woman really wants the man not to see the kid all she has to do is make up something and the court will make it tough on the father. I don't think men have much of a chance in family courts today. I am not saying all woman do this, but there are more than I would like to admit. That can be a HUGE factor in why he does what she wants. Out of fear. And as far as you being jealous. Sure you have the right to be jealous somewhat, but give him a wide berth on this one just in case my reason is a valid one in this instance. If he is forced to chose between his child and you, you may lose!

[tinkerbell]

Hi guys thanks for your replies.

Eightball yes this is my fear that he does still have something for her. Although.. she is totally vile and is really really nasty to him and his family, so if he did he'd have some weird defect cause she really is a horrible mouthy piece of work! My friend is a single dad too, he thinks its more because of the child hes like that. I'm hoping so! Although, we broke up for a week a fews months ago and he had got back in contact with her to see his daughter. She found out we had broke up and suddenly started sending him flirty messages. We got back together and I asked him about them, he didnt seem bothered, shrugged his shoulders and didnt say much. Whatever that means!

Susie, thank you. I know exactly what you mean and I know it would work in practice. But its sooo hard doing it isnt it!? My friend is having some probs with her boyf and I advise her the same thing. Im starting a new job soon so hopefully that'll take my concentration elsewhere. In responce to part of your reply though, I havent met the daughter yet shockingly. The mother has banned it. Shes made it clear to everyone she doesnt like me or want her daughter near me because she thinks 'I made him leave the family home' so im a bad influence .. (The fact they broke up 2 years prior and shes engaged to someone else doesnt need mentioning!) The real reason I believe is she sees that I 'took' my partner away from her so she cant stand the thought of the daughter coming home and telling her all about daddies new girlfriend. Shes obviously still holding out for her and my partner to get back together and their daughter growing an attachment to me and seeing me and my partner together would prevent that even more. But im sure when the courts are sorted i'll meet his daughter and we'll get along famously. No, my partner never says a bad word about her mother, and I wouldnt either. (Shame it wasnt the same from her side!)
I know ive been neglecting my friends in the last year, I need to get out with them again your right! And a good book sounds ideal, any suggestions?!

jenrobsdad .. that system sucks! People shouldnt use their children to get to each other, this experience has opened my eyes to what ex's are like when kids are involved and its not right. A child NEEDS to see both parents, not for the parents sake. Its selfish how mothers (and fathers) do this to spite the ex when its the child coming off worse.
In responce to your last comment, the only person making my partner decide on who to choose is his ex! And she does not have authorisation to control who he dates. If it was up to her he'd be single all of his life just waiting on her hand & foot.


Bloody hell, im writing all of this about HIS problems ive started to notice the realtionship itself aint that great, I know thats a total change of topic there but I may aswell mention it, I dont even think this guy loves me! When were out walking hes more interested in the surroundings rather than making me laugh or directing a conversation to me and not a general chat about buildings or something. We dont seem to emotionally connect. Were never that close when were in bed, no cosyness or the general 'eye gazing'. Last night I led next to him and looked at him smiling, and he just shut his eyes! Cheeky git. He tells me he loves me when we have some bicker about something and hes trying to get in my good books, but hes never told me normally. I was reading another post just now, where a couple live together and do sweet little things for each other. Thats how relationships have been with me in the past and how they should be. Ive mentioned it all a few times to him and he says he will try, I dont think he should have to try, if you love someone thats it, you dont have to 'act' like you do, you just do surely?
I love my partner and I always try to make him laugh and like buying or making him silly little things but hes doesnt/ never has done that back...
Is that normal?! MY first reply to this would be 'hes got alot on his mind', and I know that needs to be taken into account. But im talking, all the time, I can tell when hes in a down mood and its not 24.7..

[SaraBurns]

If it was really about his daughter though, he would do more to see her, not give his ex money etc. The ex seems like the "i don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him" type. Which makes it tough on you. The ex will always be in his life, and it's true, it IS possible for the courts to make it difficult, but he can always go to court first, provide documentation and statements from others stating his characteristics as a father. By getting the courts involved they could come to an agreement about their daughter and the rest wouldn't be as serious.

As far as you doing things for him to make him laugh etc. but him not doing it in return...well, I'm going through the same thing with my fiance...but I think it's just the way of a woman. We want to take care of our men, make things easier for them and support them in every way that we can. You just have to decide if what you're getting in return from his is enough.

I wish you the best of luck, you're in a tough spot...I'm a single mom and my ex husband gives me trouble about our son sometimes so I can see it from both sides. I hope it all works out for you.

[smackie9]

This is just a big mess that you should step away from. If he was mature enough he would have put matters into a lawyer's hands to deal with, but instead he stayed living with her out of fear. Wow this guy is no winner. Get your dignity back. Find someone who has no baggage and has control over making proper decisions in their life.

[tinkerbell]

Thanks for your replies girlies.

SaraBurns your assumtion of his ex being "i don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him" type of women is spot on!! She wouldnt have been engaged to another bloke for the last 2 years if she loved him. She just wants to know HE wants HER even if there not together. But then I have the problem that my partner is the type "I dont want to be nasty to any one cause im scared of confrontation" kinda guy. So the two together is a very frustrating situation. He is now in the process of taking her to court. I made him go to a solicitors about 5 months ago, it should go to court in the next few months for him to have his visitation rights. But he still needs to stand up to her. The reason he paid her all this money so she would stay happy and therefor he would have more of a chance of seeing his daughter now and then when he asked. I know its a complete LAME thing to do and weve had arguments over it countless times. Hes not doing it anymore though and would get a serious ass kicking if he did!!

smackie9, I've been looking forward to your often harsh but always spot on words. The majority of me is shouting out 'hes not right', but part of me hopes he will change and become a stronger person towards his ex and grow up a bit and make me feel how I want to feel. My friends keep telling me to wait til the court is over and see how he is then, but im not sure if there will be a change, IF ANYTHING maybe towards his ex but i dont think it'll change how he makes me feel if its not happened already.. I guess time will tell and i'll know soon enough.

Hes just so god dam immature when it comes to emotion! Its like were mates hanging out. Hes 31 aswell, so the majority of me knows he wont change. )-:

[smackie9]

My gf was dating a fellow that was the same way. Had a hang up over the ex...my gf just told me how he would go visit her for a weekend to help her out with computer stuff etc. She lived a ferry ride away which is an expense. He is also immature. A definite mama's boy. He's a sweet guy and she waited to see if he would change too. They just broke up this past weekend......after 2 years together she knew that wasn't going to happen.

[tinkerbell]

Hm I dont think id wait that long for him! ha
Sorry smackie9 addressing you as a girlie, I didnt know you were a fella!
Mama's boy, oh yes that he is, weve had a few problems in the past to do with his obedience towards his mum! On the RARE occasion when my partner has said 'no' to his ex or stood up to her (always in the nicest way humanly possible), she goes crying and moaning to HIS mum and then she takes her side! Its crazy. (His mums not the most mothering shall we say)
A few months back his ex was having a go at him (he was just sat there taking it as always) and she come out with all this stuff she knew about OUR relationship. (The only person they both know is HIS mum)
He told me about it weeks later, I asked if hes going to confront his mum but he doesnt like 'rocking the boat' or falling out with people, so he didnt.
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

[cookiedough2288]

yeah i feel yeah on the mom situation. when my b/f and his ex were togeather the family could no stand her and they really dont. As soon as he left her it turned into "poor ashley". Now they kiss her butt becuase they are all scared that she wont send them pictures of their nephew and grandchild.They didn't support him at all when going threw the two years of her witholding him from seeing his child. (he couldn't afford a lawer untill a year ago. dowe here courts wont do anything until you got a lawer. anyways he got his visitation sends the family pictures and brings him around to see them but they still are all buddy buddy with her. which i dont think i would care but it all seems so twofaced.The women is my age never has had a job and has no plans for a job.Her plan basically is to live off the system and whoever man she can get. she deosn't have to pay rent becuase she lives in a paid off single wide trailer and her father covers the rest that or the current boyfriend she has.I feel sorry for her son because i have a feeling if she's single when her son grows up he's going to be the one to pick up the tab of financialy takeing care of her. its sad if you think about it becuase she was so selffish she never was willing to pick up the financal tab in takeing care of him.

[smackie9]

LOL! I am a girlie :P But some think of me as a guy with tits at times by the way I think lol! FYI I've been with the same guy for almost 20 years. Anyway my gf is emotionally attached to him still but the frustration with him pretty much pushed her over the edge. She told me she wants to be happy and that she has future plans where her career is concerned. So she is moving out at the end of the month and moving on with her life. We are going to have so much fun! I have a new wing man woot! :D