Falling apart

[imjacksdespair]

I have been with my wife for nearly 10 years, married 6. We just had our second child (5 months) and things are falling desperately down a gyre from which we...I cannot crawl out of.

ually speaking things are not good. I am totally on board with the fact she is 5 months out of giving birth to our son but the thing is--it has always been difficult to get her to open up about or anything remotely related to her feelings. She is a *very* reserved and getting her to talk about her feelings without eliciting some sort of argument is impossible. I work REALLY hard to make things easier for her. When I am home I take the kids off her hands as much I can. I do housework to alleviate other burdens while she adjusts to being a mother of two. I try to set aside time for us to be together and she agrees to it, but most of the time she backs out or participates half heartily. This was the same before children too, so now I am feeling really depressed and frustrated because in my mind there is *yet another* reason for her to avoid intimacy and how can I legitimately complain if she is tired after a long day with the kids and or not in the mood. Rationally I know what she is going through... Emotionally I think to my self, if someone really wanted something they would take steps to realize the goal. I have seen no steps taken by my wife. She is a spectacular mom; she takes care of us. I owe so much to her for her companionship over the years. But if you take away our marriage, you have a couple of best friends and co-parents who will go to the mat for each other. I am finding it difficult to reason maintaining the marriage. Even though counseling is the next step--deep within me is the thought, why not just let it go, why put in the extreme effort of working through this, the pain, the despair, the anguish.

I am Jacks despair

[eightball61]

Being pregnant is not easy for any women. Being pregnant it trigger many different hormones and she can easily get stressed. I can understand where you are coming from on wanting to have that you may not get all the time but after the child is born thing may change.

I can offer for you to talk to her but you stated its impossible since it always goes into and arguement. Try writing in a journal to her your thoughts. Have her reply in written form to you. This saves the talking and you both can do this in written form until you both are ready to be open again abbout feelings. Your expressing things to her but she is stressed because you dont see her point and she gets mad at that. You both need to start seeing eye to eye and a journal maybe a good start.

Also, you may want to think about marriage counseling or a weekend getaway once things settle so you both can work on getting that spark going again. You can also do this by little things by doing what she ask and don't get huffy and puffy when she is stressed with hormones. If she had a hard day at work or around the house offer to do chores for her to help her out or give her a nice massage.

OVerall, I am not telling you to completely baby her but be there for her wen needed. The journal will also help express yourselves better. Try some of this and I hope things do take a positive turn. ;)


ps Congrats. on the upcoming baby :D

[imjacksdespair]

All due respect... It would seem you did not read my post :)

[imjacksdespair]

Maybe I was not clear... Sorry... Liam is 5 months old... We are past the birth.

[eightball61]

Maybe I was not clear... Sorry... Liam is 5 months old... We are past the birth.

Ok...sorry to misread your post but instead of being so stuck on the minor problem of the baby being born reread my other thoughts about getting the spark going, marriage counseling, or the journal idea. If you looked correctly it all still fits in the current problem.

[imjacksdespair]

I know :) I just did not want to seem like some monster pestering my pregnant wife for :)

Thanks

[eightball61]

I just did not want to seem like some monster pestering my pregnant wife for :)




It never crossed my mind........... ;)

[SimplyMe]

Even though counseling is the next step--deep within me is the thought, why not just let it go, why put in the extreme effort of working through this, the pain, the despair, the anguish.

Why? I'd be tempted to say for the sake of the children... and for both of you. :)

When my children were small, I gave so much to them, all my time and energy... to tell you the truth, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I didn't have much to give to my husband. Not that I didn't want to! Just like you, he too did his best to alleviate the burden of all the housework and was a great daddy to the children. I'm sure your wife appreciates everything you do. There is something to be said about pregnancy, birth and the first year of your baby : it takes a heavy toll on a relationship, and changes it forever.

You know what I used to dream of back then? That my husband would take care of the kids and household chores while I took a long hot bath... then afterwards, when the kids would finally be in bed... we could relax in bed together... music, candles, perhaps a massage? But he would expect nothing of me. You see, children expect everything from you! And you have to deliver. I wanted it to be different with my husband.

I'd try counselling...

I'd try spending quality time with your wife. Without the children. Those children need a well deserved break from their parents from time to time you know! ;)

Why not set a specific day for you guys to go out? Don't expect anything. Just go out. Have fun. And don't talk about the kids!! (very difficult) - Meet up with friends! Is there something you enjoy doing together, like a sport or something? (no THAT is not a sport :p ) ... Perhaps it's time to remind her she is a woman too, a person, not just a mother? Encourage her to do stuff she enjoys and which doesn't involve the children. At one point, I took art lessons. Wow! I rediscovered I was my own person, not just a mother.

And in time well... things should improve.

The very best to your little family and yourself!

[Rich]

Jack-

I hear you and was sort of in the same boat, so maybe I can speak to this.

My wife and I used to f*ck like rabbits while dating. Then shortly after marriage and also after our first, it dried up CONSIDERABLY. LOL It was like you said, two friends living together. Loving each other but not in love or intimate with each other. I once went 18 months without. Thank God for lefty and righty.

By the sounds of it though, yours is somewhat different in that I don't get the sense that you and your wife F*cked like rabbits when you were dating. I get the sense that she was always reserved. Is this true?

If it is true that she was always reserved and half into it, then why is this such an issue now as opposed to when you were just starting out together? How is her ual appetite now as opposed to when you were dating? Was she a dynamo before?

For some reason your wife turned off to and the only way to find out why is to have her be honest and tell you why. If she can't do it, then maybe a marriage counselor can help get that info.

I know that pregnancy can throw the hormones all out of whack and then there can be post partum that can also cause depression and lack of motivation. So that's something to consider. Sometimes post partum can last for years after birth.

You need to turn your life around but you both need to be on board and want to do that. My advice is to explain to your wife, in a non threatening or blaming way, that your life isn't what it should be and that you'd like for both of you to go and talk to someone.

Explain that you can feel, that even when you do get together, that her heart isn't into it and that it isn't enjoyable for you.

Your is like mine in that it was like.....missionary, with your wife just laying there and waiting and wanting you to finish. Like they're just doing it so that you can't use lack of as a reason to leave them or to look elsewhere. Like that was . LOL

You need to have this discussion with you wife. Tell her that you love her but that you need and want passion in your life with her. Ask her to go with you for help if she's not comfortable just talking to you about it. Explain that it is a VERY BIG ISSUE with you. A marriage shaking issue.

If she chooses not to go or things don't get better, then the ball is in your court and if you want to live the rest of your life like this.

I know that I ran the thought through my head that I would stay married for the childrens sake but that I would have a mistress on the side. But then I also said, that that is not how a marriage is supposed to be and not how I'm going to live my life.

Life is nothing but one decision after another. Some big, some small.

Good luck

Rich

[SALly]

Hi Jack-- Any new news? Any updates?

[eightball61]

Hi Jack-- Any new news? Any updates?


I think he forgot about us because he hasn't been on since 05-03-05.

[SALly]

Well I was just trying to refresh his memory....
I'm interested to see how it's going... :cool:

[eightball61]

Well I was just trying to refresh his memory....
I'm interested to see how it's going... :cool:


Hopefully we may get that update. There are many threads I like to see updates on especially Bdtraders. :confused:

[SALly]

Yeah me too. I was just thinking about him earlier today....