Hitomi
09-19-2009, 11:53 AM
Well, I don't want to go too long with this and add in whatever complications there are in this situation, but... I'll just focus on the main topic of the thread. Although, if it does get too long, apologies in advance!
Background check - I met a guy, who I shall call R, one year ago when I was a new student in our college (this month marks a year since I've been in the Philippines and adjusting to my life here). He was my first friend when I came here... And thus, became my best friend. It's because of him that I was able to open up more in spite of my loneliness when I moved from New York to the Philippines, that I was able to smile more, to laugh more... He made me from a quiet, solitary person to someone enjoying her life here.
From a glimpse of his personality last semester compared to now, he was... Kinda a quiet person, a bit serious too. But he, and another close guyfriend of ours who became my second friend (let's call him S), likes to poke fun at me a lot. We're so close knit to each other, even up to now...
At that time, he did have a girl he liked (from his high school days all the way to around last month, she doesn't attend our school; from what I can recall, he had feelings for her for two years), but I didn't mind listening to him about her. Even when I had started to develop feelings for him, I didn't mind since he's my friend and I wanted to comfort him, even if it meant just listening, since said-girl's feelings are unrequited towards him. The girl knows his feelings, but she looks at him as a brother, and on top of that, she was/still is in an on-off relationship with her long distance boyfriend.
Rejection - About two months ago, through a question from a close girl friend of mine, R revealed that he knew my feelings for a long time. For how long, I don't know, but he said that he knew a long time ago. He already had acknowledged them, accepted them... But, he won't return them.
He knew all along, but he didn't say anything... He said he didn't want to reject me right on the spot during those times because he knew it was going to hurt me. While I appreciate his gesture, I feel that the logic is flawed since the feelings then last semester had became stronger now. For two days straight, we fussed and fought about the issue and it sounded like he really wanted me to get over it quickly.
Change - Last month... Was when my confusion began to settle in. R, S, his girlfriend (who we should call T), two other friends, and myself were in the clinic, waiting for our turns on our dental check ups. To kill time, we all decided to have a random Q & A. No matter how private or personal the questions were, we had to answer them personally. XD I find it funny most of the questions asked to me were R related, haha.
But then, T asked R if I still had a chance with him (which I was freaking about in my mind, the initial reaction in my thought was: Why the Hell did you ask such a question when I'm in the room?!), and he said yes, surprisingly. After the rejection in July, you'd think he'd say no to this question...
After that, he did talk about the girl he liked to me privately... Only to talk about her in a neutral/negative way for once; telling me that it's because of her that his love life was effed up, saying that he blew off his chances with others girls because of her, that she knew his feelings the whole time, but didn't return them, etc. His best friend in high school (who he's still friends with now) told R to get over her a long time ago. The clincher of this conversation was when R said something like, "I think it's about time I get over her."
And get over her, he did (even recently, just a few days ago, he was saying to me what a the girl he liked is since she got back together with her boyfriend AGAIN). Because once that happened, he changed. Even up to now, I can see that. His personality is still there; quiet, still a bit serious, sincere, and what not... But, he seems to have grown much kinder now.
An example of that? Well, last weekend, I fought with both R and T. On the following day, last Sunday morning, R apologized to me and what not. The conversation went like this:
R: Do you know what you are doing to yourself? You are pulling yourself away
Me: ...Don't you think I'm aware of that?
R: No you're not. You think you are, but you are not. You're afraid, afraid of losing us. So much that you would rather get rid of us instead of losing us. I know you are mad at me for breaking the promise. I regret that.
Me: I hope you do. I hope you really do. Because while I was talking to Jade about it... I wanted to bottle it in. I wanted to bottle in the emotions so much. I don't care if I was suffocating. Or if I was hurting myself this way. But... She was trying to encourage me to let it out. Even though I was swearing about it. Going... "I'll be ing damned if I cry right now! I don't want to anymore!"
R: K (my name), it's ok now.
Me: ...What makes you say that?
R: It's ok to cry 'cause if you don't... The pain will get worse. I told you I'm always going to be here and I always will, no matter what.
Me: R...
R: I know I have been an asshole... But, I'm always going to be your friend.
I never leave anyone behind. K...
Me: What... Is it?
R: Me and S are planing to go your house tomorrow... Is that ok? I'll ask T too.
Me: Ah...
R: I don't care if I have to skip class or a basketball game just to see you. I just want to make sure you're alright...
Me: R...
R: What...
Me: ...Thank you...
R: You're welcome...
I put the sentence in bold because this said something to me. R would never skip class because he's strict on his attendance (we would know since when we were all in the clinic for the dental check ups, R and S had to skip Visual Communications class because we weren't allowed to leave the clinic and stuff, which made R fuss over on how he just received his first absence in Vis Comm.). And I know that he likes to play basketball, which he had practice for because of the Sports Fest we had since this Wednesday, so... To think he would go to that extent just to check up if I was okay due to what happened between him, myself, and T...
What does that tell me? I know R thinks his friends are important to him, but... He wouldn't go to that extent for S and that's saying something since R and S had been best friends since the first semester of last year (which was before I transferred in).
And then, his actions... His actions changed too recently. Last semester, he'd give little to no physical contact towards me. I thought he was the type of person who wasn't used to physical contact so much. But, ever since last month... Almost every day, his arm's around my shoulder or he pats/pets my head... When he senses something's wrong with me, he'd sometimes pull my head to his chest... He even lets me hug him, sometimes he hugs me back!
Yesterday too... R, S, T, J (who is also a close friend of ours and he's been friends with R and S since last year's first semester), and myself were at S's house. Basically, we're just chilling there, having fun with each other's company and what not. R would have an arm around me or hug me and I hugged him back. There was a time I ended up in his lap and he didn't seem to mind for a moment. Another instance was when he was tickle torturing me, which he never did before.
At some point, we were play fighting and he pinned me down a moment as I was fighting him off. Or when he actually picked me up bridal style for once, but proceeded to toss me on one of the mattresses in S's room. Or when I stepped out of S's room (I was embarrassed since T made a joke about me, though I was amused and S was laughing his head off) and sat on the floor... R came out of the room a few minutes later, knelt down to my eye level, and asked what was wrong (because while I was alone outside S's room, I was contemplating on neutral/negative things in regards of what was happening in my life).
When I IMed what happened to Jade... XD She was basically calling R a bloody idiot for not realizing he has feelings for me and such.
Now, because of the changes in R... S, T, and Jade see something between us as more than friendship. XD I'm still surprised S is encouraging R and I to get together, probably he's been observing for a while what's been going on. Even I'M beginning to suspect something, but I don't want to be fooled and hurt, having been rejected by him once. So, for now, I'm keeping quiet of the feelings that haven't gone away when he turned me down.
Although, I'm pretty sure R senses it, anyway. Because Jade told me they were conversing since Jade needed help from R on her own guy problems. And their conversation went like this:
R: K used to have feelings for me.
Jade: Past tense? Or does she still love you?
R: Okay, maybe she still does.
Jade: Most likely.
R... We're close... We're very close. We've been friends for about a year now. Up to now, you still say that I'm like a little sister to you (despite the fact we have a one year age difference and I'm the older one). But, all of the things that have happened recently say otherwise. Your actions contradict your words.
I know I'm a close friend of yours. I know that I'm someone important to you. But... What am I to you, really? Am I really a sister or... More than that?
(XD For those who've managed to read through all of this, I thank you all. Sorry for how long it is again!)
Background check - I met a guy, who I shall call R, one year ago when I was a new student in our college (this month marks a year since I've been in the Philippines and adjusting to my life here). He was my first friend when I came here... And thus, became my best friend. It's because of him that I was able to open up more in spite of my loneliness when I moved from New York to the Philippines, that I was able to smile more, to laugh more... He made me from a quiet, solitary person to someone enjoying her life here.
From a glimpse of his personality last semester compared to now, he was... Kinda a quiet person, a bit serious too. But he, and another close guyfriend of ours who became my second friend (let's call him S), likes to poke fun at me a lot. We're so close knit to each other, even up to now...
At that time, he did have a girl he liked (from his high school days all the way to around last month, she doesn't attend our school; from what I can recall, he had feelings for her for two years), but I didn't mind listening to him about her. Even when I had started to develop feelings for him, I didn't mind since he's my friend and I wanted to comfort him, even if it meant just listening, since said-girl's feelings are unrequited towards him. The girl knows his feelings, but she looks at him as a brother, and on top of that, she was/still is in an on-off relationship with her long distance boyfriend.
Rejection - About two months ago, through a question from a close girl friend of mine, R revealed that he knew my feelings for a long time. For how long, I don't know, but he said that he knew a long time ago. He already had acknowledged them, accepted them... But, he won't return them.
He knew all along, but he didn't say anything... He said he didn't want to reject me right on the spot during those times because he knew it was going to hurt me. While I appreciate his gesture, I feel that the logic is flawed since the feelings then last semester had became stronger now. For two days straight, we fussed and fought about the issue and it sounded like he really wanted me to get over it quickly.
Change - Last month... Was when my confusion began to settle in. R, S, his girlfriend (who we should call T), two other friends, and myself were in the clinic, waiting for our turns on our dental check ups. To kill time, we all decided to have a random Q & A. No matter how private or personal the questions were, we had to answer them personally. XD I find it funny most of the questions asked to me were R related, haha.
But then, T asked R if I still had a chance with him (which I was freaking about in my mind, the initial reaction in my thought was: Why the Hell did you ask such a question when I'm in the room?!), and he said yes, surprisingly. After the rejection in July, you'd think he'd say no to this question...
After that, he did talk about the girl he liked to me privately... Only to talk about her in a neutral/negative way for once; telling me that it's because of her that his love life was effed up, saying that he blew off his chances with others girls because of her, that she knew his feelings the whole time, but didn't return them, etc. His best friend in high school (who he's still friends with now) told R to get over her a long time ago. The clincher of this conversation was when R said something like, "I think it's about time I get over her."
And get over her, he did (even recently, just a few days ago, he was saying to me what a the girl he liked is since she got back together with her boyfriend AGAIN). Because once that happened, he changed. Even up to now, I can see that. His personality is still there; quiet, still a bit serious, sincere, and what not... But, he seems to have grown much kinder now.
An example of that? Well, last weekend, I fought with both R and T. On the following day, last Sunday morning, R apologized to me and what not. The conversation went like this:
R: Do you know what you are doing to yourself? You are pulling yourself away
Me: ...Don't you think I'm aware of that?
R: No you're not. You think you are, but you are not. You're afraid, afraid of losing us. So much that you would rather get rid of us instead of losing us. I know you are mad at me for breaking the promise. I regret that.
Me: I hope you do. I hope you really do. Because while I was talking to Jade about it... I wanted to bottle it in. I wanted to bottle in the emotions so much. I don't care if I was suffocating. Or if I was hurting myself this way. But... She was trying to encourage me to let it out. Even though I was swearing about it. Going... "I'll be ing damned if I cry right now! I don't want to anymore!"
R: K (my name), it's ok now.
Me: ...What makes you say that?
R: It's ok to cry 'cause if you don't... The pain will get worse. I told you I'm always going to be here and I always will, no matter what.
Me: R...
R: I know I have been an asshole... But, I'm always going to be your friend.
I never leave anyone behind. K...
Me: What... Is it?
R: Me and S are planing to go your house tomorrow... Is that ok? I'll ask T too.
Me: Ah...
R: I don't care if I have to skip class or a basketball game just to see you. I just want to make sure you're alright...
Me: R...
R: What...
Me: ...Thank you...
R: You're welcome...
I put the sentence in bold because this said something to me. R would never skip class because he's strict on his attendance (we would know since when we were all in the clinic for the dental check ups, R and S had to skip Visual Communications class because we weren't allowed to leave the clinic and stuff, which made R fuss over on how he just received his first absence in Vis Comm.). And I know that he likes to play basketball, which he had practice for because of the Sports Fest we had since this Wednesday, so... To think he would go to that extent just to check up if I was okay due to what happened between him, myself, and T...
What does that tell me? I know R thinks his friends are important to him, but... He wouldn't go to that extent for S and that's saying something since R and S had been best friends since the first semester of last year (which was before I transferred in).
And then, his actions... His actions changed too recently. Last semester, he'd give little to no physical contact towards me. I thought he was the type of person who wasn't used to physical contact so much. But, ever since last month... Almost every day, his arm's around my shoulder or he pats/pets my head... When he senses something's wrong with me, he'd sometimes pull my head to his chest... He even lets me hug him, sometimes he hugs me back!
Yesterday too... R, S, T, J (who is also a close friend of ours and he's been friends with R and S since last year's first semester), and myself were at S's house. Basically, we're just chilling there, having fun with each other's company and what not. R would have an arm around me or hug me and I hugged him back. There was a time I ended up in his lap and he didn't seem to mind for a moment. Another instance was when he was tickle torturing me, which he never did before.
At some point, we were play fighting and he pinned me down a moment as I was fighting him off. Or when he actually picked me up bridal style for once, but proceeded to toss me on one of the mattresses in S's room. Or when I stepped out of S's room (I was embarrassed since T made a joke about me, though I was amused and S was laughing his head off) and sat on the floor... R came out of the room a few minutes later, knelt down to my eye level, and asked what was wrong (because while I was alone outside S's room, I was contemplating on neutral/negative things in regards of what was happening in my life).
When I IMed what happened to Jade... XD She was basically calling R a bloody idiot for not realizing he has feelings for me and such.
Now, because of the changes in R... S, T, and Jade see something between us as more than friendship. XD I'm still surprised S is encouraging R and I to get together, probably he's been observing for a while what's been going on. Even I'M beginning to suspect something, but I don't want to be fooled and hurt, having been rejected by him once. So, for now, I'm keeping quiet of the feelings that haven't gone away when he turned me down.
Although, I'm pretty sure R senses it, anyway. Because Jade told me they were conversing since Jade needed help from R on her own guy problems. And their conversation went like this:
R: K used to have feelings for me.
Jade: Past tense? Or does she still love you?
R: Okay, maybe she still does.
Jade: Most likely.
R... We're close... We're very close. We've been friends for about a year now. Up to now, you still say that I'm like a little sister to you (despite the fact we have a one year age difference and I'm the older one). But, all of the things that have happened recently say otherwise. Your actions contradict your words.
I know I'm a close friend of yours. I know that I'm someone important to you. But... What am I to you, really? Am I really a sister or... More than that?
(XD For those who've managed to read through all of this, I thank you all. Sorry for how long it is again!)