A little confused

[photolady03]

I am 24 and married for 2 years to a wonderful man. We have been together for 6 years and live together for 5 years. What my problem is that I don't know if it was the right thing to marry him. At the time we were married most of our friends were getting married so we thought it was the right thing to do. I love him but I don't know if I am in love with him. Where it gets a little hairy is that I have my best friend who is a male. We have been friends sense high school we have been through a lot together and we are very close and my husband is ok with that. We do have a bit of a past but when we dated we were way too young to do anything to really say it was a real relationship. After high school he went to college and I also did and we both got into serious relationships well I took mine to the next level (marriage) and he broke it off with the girl and move back home. This was a year ago, ever sense we have been hanging out a lot. Well sense he has been home those old feelings have been coming back I don't know if he has the same about me but he also has became real good friends with my husband. The question is I guess should I just forget about everything between us and try to make things work with my husband or should I act upon those feelings? My husband and I have been in a rut it is really boring to be around him it seems we have nothing in common. When I am around my best friend I feel alive. I am so confused. I love my husband but is it the right kind of love to stay in this marriage? Thanks for your time and any comments are appreciated.

[PrincessB]

My advice is to have the integrity to stop hanging around with and socializing with your buddy. You should probably seek out marriage counselling or a therapist for yourself.

If/when you have ironed out the problems in your marriage then it may be okay to see your buddy while out in a group WITH your husband. If you continue to have feelings for him then you should probably not even go there.

I would like to add that you are currently having an emotional affair and emotional infidelity can be just as much a betrayal as the physical.

[photolady03]

Thanks for your advice I will do all that you said to do in order to fix things you are not the only one who had given this advice. Thanks for your time.

[smackie9]

You did have time to consider whether or not to marry your husband. You must have had more of a reason to than just because your friends are doing it.

It's normal to feel that way when someone comes along and stirs up those feelings in you. It happens to a lot of us. But you don't need to act upon it every time it happens.

I don't think your husband got boring. I think it's more so that things got boring in your life in general. You said that your friends are all married. Well get more involved with doing things with couples like throwing a tail party, theme party, bbq, dinners,etc. I'm sure with doing that your husband will jump right in and be more involved with doing things with you. Also everyone needs a life outside the relationship. Get together with your gf's or co-workers for a night out or start up a baseball team....anything that's fun.

As for your guy friend, Princess B is right, you should stop hanging around with him so much. Once you enhance your life with new activities and get more involved with other pepople, your feelings for him will pass, and all this worry will be for nothing.

[eightball61]

The question is I guess should I just forget about everything between us and try to make things work with my husband or should I act upon those feelings?

Yes.

You call your husband a wonderful man. If this was not true then you'd focuss the entire post on his faults. First you should decide what you want then head in the direction however in order for you to clear some space for you to open your mind.

[Primeaux]

It's not very easy photolady. very few people ever find and connect with their true soulmates. Even one's who feel they have, most often the other half doesn't have reciprocating feelings.

Factor in the divorce rate along with people who are together just for the kids, or because they're afraid to be alone and you end up with very few couples who one half doesn't look out the window and wonder if someone/something else is out there.

I would say your feelings for your old friend are probably just fleeting and if you threw caution to the wind, would probably get bored quickly and regret it. I think the bigger question is if you don't want to find someone else out there that makes you burn inside all the time.

[PrincessB]

If I may Primeaux, I don't think there is a couple out there that's been together for a long time that doesn't wonder if there's something out there at least once in the span of the relationship. Sometimes fantasy and reality collide when things get stagnant or difficult.

[tennischick]

I agree with the general consensus. You did choose to marry your husband. You pledged "for better or worse". You should give your marriage everything you have or I promise you will regret it! I've been there too.

[Primeaux]

PrincessB I agree, but I do believe in a true soulmate. People that connect so perfectly that there is no stagnation, where tough times are handled in stride with the easy ones, where the physical relationship never gets tiresome or routine.

It's an extremely rare thing to find. Some people may meet their soulmate, but at the wrong stage in life. Maybe one of them is married and would never leave their family, or the distance is too great and perhaps professional careers make it impossible to take that chance of being together. Whatever life may throw at you to intervene.

On the other hand I think most people never have the privelage of connecting with their soulmate, or even more prevelant, one half thinks they've found their soulmate and the other half doesn't have the same emotional and physical connection.

So most just find the best match. There's always the possibility it will be good and workout long term, but yes, you have to wade through the tough and stagnant times to make it.

[Rich]

For your own peace of mind, if your marriage is going to end, then it should end on its own merits and NOT because you developed feelings for another guy.

There are two things here.

One is that unfortunately all people put their relationhsips on cruise control and the relationship falls into disrepair. Just like buying a new house or car in that if you don't do preventative maintenance, then those items go to crap.

In relationships if you're not constantly doing the preventative maintenance (dates, dinners, little gifts, getaways), then love and "that spark" die out. Once that spark dies, then the mind and eye wander.

You made choice to get married and typically that choice is because you two felt that you both found THE ONE person in this world that you want to spend the rest of your days with and build a lifetime with. Unfortunately it seems that the reason you got married was because everyone else was doing it. So much for wanting to be together forever and build a life together.

The second thing is that you're in the period of your life where you should be experiencing the freedom that you were seeking ever since you were a child. Unfortunately you went from one restrictive relationship (parent to child) to another (BF/GF, husband/wife) without ever feeling or experiencing that freedom. What you're feeling is human nature.

If you feel that you made a mistake by marrying your husband, then end it now before kids come along and make it difficult to leave. Don't end a marriage because you have feelings for someone else because you will ALWAYS meet someone else that will tickle your fancy in some way. Will you then leave all of your marriages to experience "the butterflies" of being with someone new?

Words of committment and honor should mean something. Whether it's this relationship or your next one, you have to work to keep the butterflies in your current relationship and not seek it from outside. That's the maintenance that I speak of.

You might as well leave your husband because your heart is already gone and it's not coming back. You can stay with your husband but you will always think what if and your heart won't be 100% in your marriage. If your heart is not 100% in the marriage, then what's your point of being there? Building a life together and staying married takes A LOT of work and committment. If you can't devote a 100% of yourself to doing that, then it won't work and what's the point of delaying the ineveitable?

Also, if you think the spark has gone out now, then wait until you have kids and you're both even more tired and distant from each other. The feelings that you're feeling now will be magnified tenfold. Kids wear you out and take up all of your time. You need to work 10 times harder at keeping that spark alive when kids come and most couples can't do it.

If your heart is gone, then why delay the inevitable. My advice is to just end the marriage because of what's happening in the marriage and not because you've developed feelings for another guy. At least give your marriage that bit of respect.

[ericp]

When my wife and I got together, she was only 16 (I was 18) and she wanted to wait longer before having . This put some pressure on her that she was uncomfortable with so when there was another girl that I could have with, she didn't really mind since she knew I was still committed to her and it helped resolve the ual tension. I had to be responsible for my feelings and make sure I'm not starting to want the other girl more. She had to be loving enough to want whatever I want for me, instead of being possessive. We've been together another 12 years including married for 5 years and in that time she had a fling with a married man when I had moved out of town for work. Emotionally, it was the same situation but in reverse. We aren't having much lately which has a lot to do with having an 18 month old and we're still sorting out our new relationship as members of a family. Regardless, it just happens that we get the most turned on when we're around other people and the rest of the time we are kind of bored with each other. It contributes to our lives when someone else turns one of us on.

Your husband might be bored with you, too. Is he a nice guy, distant, caring/supportive, or what? Is there any way you can talk with him about how you're feeling about your relationship with him? Make sure you don't blame him unless you really think it's all his fault. Don't you think you could find ways to enjoy your relationship with him more than you do? I like what smackie9 had to say about this.

Have you heard the allegory about the two wolves? It says something like this. The little boy asked his Dad how he could not get angry about things that happen to him. His Dad said something like "Son, inside my heart there are two wolves - an angry one and a happy one. The one that survives is the one that I feed." Are you feeding yourself satisfaction and excitement about your husband or the other guy?

Is there any chance you could talk with your husband about having an unlimited relationship? It would be better to try to work things out in a way that brings you satisfaction without leaving him than it would be to not even give your husband a chance at being cooperative with you and your feelings.

You asked if you should act on those feelings.
I don't believe there's any "should" about love unless love comes first and "should" is a way to maintain or procure love. What do you mean by "should?"
Since you knew the guy a long time ago, you probably have a lot of fondness for him and great or meaningful memories.
This might make you feel like you are meant to be with him. I believe there's no particular reason anyone's "meant" to be together.
It might make you feel romantic to think about him because all you have to think about are fond memories and the personality you see in him for a limited time these days.
I believe that you could be just as unhappy if you lived with him as you are with your husband.

Why is your husband friends with him?

I don't think you're taking love very seriously. I don't think you know much about love yet. Not that I'm very good at love, but I think that I can say that it sounds like you're kind of excited about the other guy but it doesn't sound like love to me. What does love mean to you? Are you passive or active about increasing the love in your life? Do you expect love to just happen, or are you creating love?

[PrincessB]

Hey folks. Sorry I've been away. Caught that flu and even typing on the computer is a tiresome task.

Primeaux, may I ask how old you are? Your idealization of romance is common in young women. I too believe there is only one soul-mate but there is no such thing as a LTR that doesn't experience a degree of stagnation. Every relationship requires commitment and work, as love alone is not enough to endure. What the OP is experiencing is quite common and while I agree that too often people marry for the wrong reasons, that does not minimize the reality that even the most compatible loving partners experience stagnation and adversity.

People idealize notions of love based on fairytales and stories from a young age. Little girls grow up dreaming about a handsome prince charming and base their early romantic relationships on the fantastical ideals portrayed in such stories. It takes a broken heart and experience to learn that fairytales also include dragons and unicorns and prince charming is only a character in Sleeping Beauty.

One true soulmate may exist for all of us. We may never know. Most people seem to believe there can be several soulmates for each person. I subscribe to the one soulmate theory and open myself to love with wreckless abandon, but the moment you forget that we are merely mortals and love is a mortal condition, you leave yourself vulnerable to the disappointment of reality.

I agree with the consensus on this thread. Work needs to be done in the OP's relationship and the effort needs to come from both sides.