Calls me 10 times a day, but won't touch me

[lostinconfusion]

Hey for all you guys out there -- please help me understand. I have been seeing my, whatever he is, for about a year and a half.

We are in our fourties and dated in high school, so it was just sweet that after many years we could rekindle our relationship.

When we first started seeing each other he was affectionate, loving, physical. He loved to give massage, hold my hand, kiss me.

Then, literally in one day it all changed. He no longer wanted to kiss cause he'd get 'girl germs'. Then he didn't want to hold hands anymore. Then he didn't want to touch me because my skin was oily! (it's actually not -- it's kinda dry).

Okay, so you'd think he was just trying to blow me off. I am okay with that.

Instead of blowing me of he calls me every day. Sometimes up to ten times a day. He always wanting to know what I am doing, when I am going to come over. He would love it if I would spend the night!!! He wants me around all the time. Just so long as we don't touch...except of course if I am sleeping and he wakes me up because he wants me to take care of him....but it's all a one way thing...therefore, I don't spend the night.

What do you make of this? If he wanted me gone, why doesn't he stop calling? What is this guys deal?

[eightball61]

This is a very unique situation..... :p

I want to say before I start this post that this is just based on my assumption and opinion :D


Anyway, I do find it odd that he backs off but then still continues to call. To my belief and seeing situations like this before he could be doing this because he is using you as a backbone when he is bored. You said he will call and monitor what you are doing and stuff. To me right there it just shows he is trying to make sure you wont leave or move on while he is out having his play.

I am not saying he is playing you for or anything like that because if he was then he wouldn't be so distant when it comes time for the cuddle like kissing. I do think he is playing you for having a warm body around....

If he wants to just be friends then you both need to keep it as that. Sure you want more out of it but you aren't going to get it at this point. You both need a good talking to see where the future stands. If you want a friendship out of the whole thing then tell him that but you will have to learn what you had before is gone and now is gone. For some reason he doesn't see you anymore than just a friend. My suggestion is go out for a good coffee to talk this over and see where you both stand.

[lostinconfusion]

I agree -- but wish he wouldn't call me every day. I travel alot and he calls me constantly, wanting to know who I am with, what I am doing...

He gave me a beautiful puppy a few months ago -- and we take the dogs for walks (he has one a few months older). He is always referring to himself as 'daddy' to the pups and me as 'mommy'.

It's like he wants to have an all consuming relationship without the physical part...however, he doesn't seem to have lost his drive when it comes to looking at o magazines...

That is what is so odd...

We have talked about being freinds and I would be okay with that, if he'd behave like a freind. None of my other firends are obsessed with seeing me, calling me, wanting me around them all the time.

[eightball61]

We have talked about being freinds and I would be okay with that, if he'd behave like a freind.



& thats the key to the problem....It may hurt him but if you wish for this to stop or cool down your choices are to change your number or tell him to stop calling so much. Don't be afraid to hide and not tell him. You need to be upfront and honest or this will continue to happen.

[Rich]

Not knowing anything about your "whatever he is", it's hard to say why he's acting like he is.

Was he married before you?

Did he live at home with mommy, before you?

Has something traumatic happend to him recently?

Was your comment about him not kissing you because he might get girly germs a joke, or was it really said by him using those words?

Has he come out of the closet or does he have homoual tendancies?

On the surface it might seem that he just wants you around for the sake of having someone to talk to. Or maybe he wants you to be a surrogate mommy to him. Has his mother passed recently?

IMO you have to take the bull by the horns and ask this guy why he pulled back like he has. Tell him that you're confused as to how it used to be between you two and how it is now. Ask him why that is and to be honest.

Also know that as men get older that due to chemical changes in their bodies, that their drive and routine can change. A lowering of Total Testosterone, Free testosterone and a rasing level of Estrogen levels can cause ual dysfunction like low drive, impotence, lack of rigidity and lack of control.

Maybe he's experiencing this and doesn't know how to talk to you about it. He's probably embarrassed by it if that is what is happening. He might be playing it off as not wanting to catch girly germs (which is childish) but still wanting you around.

If he's on the computer a lot, you might, if you can, see what web sites that he's hitting. That can tell you a lot about where is mind is at and why he is acting like he is.

Maybe his ual likes have changed.

All things to consider, but IMO, just flat out ask him. If he doesn't want to be honest then drop him like a bad habit.

Rich

[lostinconfusion]

Not knowing anything about your "whatever he is", it's hard to say why he's acting like he is.

Was he married before you?
>>Yes, he has been married twice. Once when he was 20, anther time when he was 29. The first lasted a year, the second 2 years.

Did he live at home with mommy, before you?
>>No, his mom moved out of the US years ago. He seems pretty bitter about that.

Has something traumatic happend to him recently? >>He lost a daughter five years ago in a tragic accident.

Was your comment about him not kissing you because he might get girly germs a joke, or was it really said by him using those words?
>> He really did use those words. And considering that kissing was what he did best, it was a shame to hear something so stupid come out of his mouth.

Has he come out of the closet or does he have homoual tendancies? He hasn't acted on it if he is .
>>But I have several freinds and do believe I would know. Or they'd know. And the freinds he has met don't think he's anywhere near .

On the surface it might seem that he just wants you around for the sake of having someone to talk to. Or maybe he wants you to be a surrogate mommy to him. Has his mother passed recently?
>>He may want me to be his 'mommy'.

IMO you have to take the bull by the horns and ask this guy why he pulled back like he has. Tell him that you're confused as to how it used to be between you two and how it is now. Ask him why that is and to be honest.
>>I have and I get conflicting answers. He tells me he loves me, I am the only one in his world...he tells that there is nothing wrong with me, it's him, that he is a broken man.

Also know that as men get older that due to chemical changes in their bodies, that their drive and routine can change. A lowering of Total Testosterone, Free testosterone and a rasing level of Estrogen levels can cause ual dysfunction like low drive, impotence, lack of rigidity and lack of control. >>
I guess if I didn't know he s at least once if not twice a day I'd agree. I've actually seen him do it. He also has no problem walking around me while he is totally ....


If he's on the computer a lot, you might, if you can, see what web sites that he's hitting. That can tell you a lot about where is mind is at and why he is acting like he is.

>>for about six months he was on the computer ALOT and going into chat rooms. He was lying about his age and trying to engage in pretty explicit chat with whoever he could. For some reason he has totally stopped going online. He seems to have an on/off switch....

All things to consider, but IMO, just flat out ask him. If he doesn't want to be honest then drop him like a bad habit.

>> I wish I didn't care about him. I am trying to keep my distance as best as possible.

[eightball61]

I am trying to keep my distance as best as possible.



& thats why you need to be blunt to him about being annoying and calling you so much. If you want to look at it this way; its a form of harrassment because you don't like what he is doing but you need to make it known to him.

[lostinconfusion]

That makes sense. I just need to keep in mind, even though I care about him, I don't need to put up with his games, just because he's a "broken man" as he says.

At this point when I am with him and he offends me I leave. Yesterday I asked him to scratch my back and he said no...he didn't want anything physical! I left and he got pissed at me. So strange...

[Rich]

Did he go further than the chat rooms and actually meet up with someone who gave him a ually transmitted disease?

Maybe he doesn't want to give you what he caught.

Ask him if he has a STD and watch the reaction on his face. If he has the "how do you know look", or if he totally over reacts to that statement by yelling, then he's got something.

Just a thought.

With the sudden hands off, no kissing and no ....I'm betting that maybe he has something that he doesn't want to give you (STD).

With the mastubating you know that he is still ually excitable and able. You need to come out and ask him if he's ually attracted to you. If he says yes, then there's something more going on.

Is he seeing other women right now for ? If it's all women that he's not seeing, then check things out.

Be careful

Rich

[lostinconfusion]

Rick, I hadn't thought about that. Maybe he does have some sort of disease...hmm. But as I give it more thought I don't know. You see, if I were to spend the night at his house (which I have done in the past -- and once not so long ago) he wants oral ...so, I would assume (hope) he doesn't have a disease.

If he goes out it must be in between phone calls, so any date he might have couldn't be very long.

As an aside -- it's noon and I haven't heard from him yet today...wow!

[lostinconfusion]

okay, he called at 12:25 for the first time today...I didn't answer......

[Rich]

Well then, the bottom line is this.

Tell this guy that you don't want to continue with how things are going!

Right now he wants you AT his convenience and FOR his convenience and that is going to stop!

Tell him that unless he is honest with you about why things are, that you are gone for good and out of his life permanantly. And be firm about it.

You say that you've asked in the past but he was vague. He was vague because you allowed him to be vague. Don't allow him to be vague this time!

You need to be prepared to move on though if you don't get what you're looking for.

On some level are you enjoying or wanting this type of relationship, or to be treated this way? If you are, stay. If not, then take a stand and don't take bullshit for an answer.

Hey, if I could have a girl come over at my beck and call to give me head and maybe clean my house with no strings attached, then sign me up. And sign up every other guy out there too.

He treats you like this because you let him treat you this way. Deep down inside, for whatever reason, you do not want to make a stand. Maybe you don't want to be alone? Maybe some of what you're getting from him is better then nothing at all?

Why are you still there and allowing this? Can you truly answer that question?

Get honest answers from him to clear your confusion or leave him. As the saying goes, it's time to crap or get off the pot.

Good luck. Let us know.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[eightball61]

That makes sense. I just need to keep in mind, even though I care about him, I don't need to put up with his games, just because he's a "broken man" as he says.

At this point when I am with him and he offends me I leave. Yesterday I asked him to scratch my back and he said no...he didn't want anything physical! I left and he got pissed at me. So strange...

From you and Rich's conversations you see anything can be the leading cause. As I offered before its best you go out for a coffee with him and lay it all out on what you want and see what he wants.....that alone shall give you your answer if it doesn't then tell him what you want out of this relationship and if you can't get it then you move on.

[lostinconfusion]

Rich, I said he asks for oral , I didn't say I give it to him...he gets what he gives, which is nothing...Oh, and I won't clean his house either. He's got to do something constructive with his free time!

As I have said before, I do care for him. Maybe part of me DOES feels safe in not having a deeper relationship with him -- as I am trying to get over the fact that my marriage of 24 years ended a few years ago -- and I am afraid to get hurt. Maybe he is keeping me away from others who may hurt me worse...

[eightball61]

and I am afraid to get hurt. Maybe he is keeping me away from others who may hurt me worse...

Why are you ignoring the fact about the approach I have suggested about being blunt to him? is it because you are afraid and will miss his calls? I am lost to what you want???? :confused:

I hate to dig at this situation but i am a bit confused on what you really want here. I mean if you want the calls to stop then you tell him and dont ignore the fact. This is your life and even if he is looking out for you he is going beyond the friendship boundry. You need to experience whats right and whats wrong by yourself because thats how you learn about life. Its good to have someone look out after you but there is a huge difference of looking out and being possessive.

As I pointed out at the beginning he could be using you for the comfort of having you around. He ask for these stuff and gets all puffy when he doesn't get. That to me proves my theory on this one. I could be wrong bout this whole thing but as we move on these things are just adding right up. I wish I had more to offer but I am going to stand behind myself when I say "its time to have that adult talk with".

[lostinconfusion]

This is your life and even if he is looking out for you he is going beyond the friendship boundry.

Clarify what you mean...please...

[eightball61]

You state:

"We have talked about being freinds and I would be okay with that, if he'd behave like a freind. None of my other firends are obsessed with seeing me, calling me, wanting me around them all the time."



This is what I mean "going beyond being a friend". YOU posted this thread because you are tired and annoyed at his calling all the time and mixed signals. If you have a clear image to what you want done here then you have to speak up.

[lostinconfusion]

I see what you mean. I am relieved to say he only called once yesterday and I didn't answer. If he calls today I don't have any intention of answering either. Thank God for caller ID. As I read these I realize that I don't need this relationship.

[eightball61]

As I read these I realize that I don't need this relationship.

Ingoring or putting a situation on hold many times is not always the solution. If he calms sown and gets the hint by you not answering then you won the battle by ignoring it but in many cases though if the person doesn't know then they will try and try until they know. You can only go for so long ignoring him but you don't be surprised you may have to face him one day.

[lostinconfusion]

Ingoring or putting a situation on hold many times is not always the solution. If he calms sown and gets the hint by you not answering then you won the battle by ignoring it but in many cases though if the person doesn't know then they will try and try until they know. You can only go for so long ignoring him but you don't be surprised you may have to face him one day.

Okay, as I was reading this he called. Since I wouldn't answer his calls from his phone he decided to call from another phone. I answered because he called from a different number and didn't realize it was him. Anyway, I decided to talk to him about the issues I have with him -- down to how he hangs up the phone on me when HE is done talking. He apologized for being an ass, told me I am a better friend to him than that and he wouldn't do that again because it was wrong. Then we got to the touching issue. He tells me he is a broken man and is afraid of affection. Okay, that's all fine and good. But he wasn't afraid of it for the first six months of the relationship. He assumes that if I have an itch, and he scratches my back, it is physical and causes him to go into the 'doesn't want to sleep with me' song and dance because he doesn't want to get affectionate.

He said he won't ask me to sleep over or rub his back or anything ever again, because he doesn't want to get physical. But he said he doesn't want to lose me -- I am his best friend. He said if my back ever itched again he'd use his dogs' paw to scratch my itch -- he was serious. He thought that was a solution. I told him that only two people ever treated me so poorly -- my ex husband and him. That enough was enough...not surprisingly he hung up on me...

[eightball61]

not surprisingly he hung up on me...


Here you are as a friend trying to fix whats wrong in the friendship. He did good for most of the convo. by listening to you and adding input but his immaturity showed when he hung up. It shows right there that he can't handle these tough situations. Hanging up is not the key to a problem and only makes the matters worse.

If you are such a good friend and he wanted to keep that bond then he would have stayed on the phone....He hung up though and that truelly shows all about him. Even if you were to have a relationship with him I would advise to hold off because if his actions. You have and ex. husband for a reason and if your friend keeps acting this way then he will be added to the list of ex.'s.

You want a friend that you can share stuff with and have fun with. You are not getting that here and that should be brought to him. At this time though just drop it and if he wants to talk he knows how to get ahold of you.

[Rich]

I think you can do better and deserve better.

Move on.

You must be emotionally drained and one has to ask, why continue?

There's more to life and love.

Go find a nice loving man and feel that wonderful feeling that only "love" can give.

Rich

[lostinconfusion]

Rich that is probably the kindest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time. Thank you. These past years have been so hard and I am struggling so much. I married the man who got me pregnant as a teenager because I loved him and believed (still believe) that he loved me -- but the relationship really was one sided all through our 24 years together. He let me raise the kids, make sure bills were paid, and kept me in a state of feeling no self worth, while he partied because as he still says to this day ''he wasn't ready to grow up''. It took everything in me to leave him.

Nearly a year after I left him he went to treatment -- and has been straight for the first time in 31 years. He is very sorry for what he put me through and would do anything to work it out -- but even though he is no longer insulting me or drinking/smoking pot, he is still very much like a sixteen year old boy -- in a 18 year old body.

I am so afraid of meeting any man -- after this convoluted relationship I have with this person who claims to be my freind, I don't know that I will ever be able to trust again. But I do appreicate your words.

[lostinconfusion]

[QUOTE=he is still very much like a sixteen year old boy -- in a 18 year old body. [/QUOTE]

I meant a 48 year old body

[eightball61]

If you continue being afraid to meet someone else then you will continue to feel like this for a long time. Don't you want a change?

[lostinconfusion]

I have to figure out why I let this happen to me in the first place...hopefully I will know what to look for in a person so that I don't get in the same situation again...

[eightball61]

Its most likely because you wanted somthing more to happen out of this relationship and it never happened.

[lostinconfusion]

I think I wanted to see if I could be treated with respect and care. I didn't get that...twice burned as they say......

[eightball61]

As I have said many times to others and will say again....."You go through many wrongs before you get that right one."

You got burned a few times but so havn't all of us. We all have been there one way or another. It may have been a different way than yours but when you get burned it happens to all of us and even in different ways. You want something out of this that he can't give to you. His opinion is he just wants to be a friend but keep you around for little favors at times for flirts. Its too confusing to have that kind of relationship. Its either just be a friend or dont be...

[Rich]

Lostinconfusion-

You're most certainly welcome and thanks for clarifying that 18 to 48 year old issue. I started to scratch my head there. lol

Don't give up in regards to love. You just happen to be one of those special folks who love and trust with their whole being. When it comes to relationships, you jump in feet first and stick with it, trusting and hoping all the way.

Just know that there's nothing wrong with that. Hopefully you'll find a man that's worthy of all that love, respect and trust that you have to offer. Don't settle.

Just know that when you get into a relationship, that there are very easy and practical identifiers that you can use to help you determine if that relationship will be a happy and lasting one. You don't just have to leave it to chance and hope that things turn out ok.

I've listed a number of these identifiers on this site in various posts and you can gather most of them from there. You can go to my site if you're interested as well.

The bottom line is that a good relationship is made and not just fallen into. Granted, you'd like to meet someone who is close to you on a great deal of these identifiers so that there's less work to do. But there will be work nonetheless. It's always easier to fine tune then overhaul. So stay away from the men that need an overhaul. :-)

Please don't give up on men, we need nice, loving ladies like you. Unless of course you're going to turn on us. And in that case.....just send pictures.

Just kidding. :-)

Don't give up, ok.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com