Long Distance Love

[chillie]

Hi and thanks to all for any advice..

My boyfriend and I met online about 6 years ago, since then we have dated for a year, broke up because of distance, and now we are together again and its been a year and a half now. I'm 18 and he is 21. In 2003 he bought a new car when he got a new job, he quit going to college because his job is a nightshift and he is too tired during the day to go. To beable to make payments on his car he has to keep the job he has, and most of all the money he gets goes to the car and insurance. We want to be together and he is wanting to move here (Oklahoma, he lives in California), but he needs to finish school first. But he can't because he has to keep the job, so he can pay for his car. So theres the dilemma! We don't know what to do. I've investigated selling the car and buying an older one to lower the payments, but he hasn't paid off enough of the car to beable to sell it and use the money TO pay it off. We're stuck and we want to be together.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you..

- Robin

[eightball61]

Hey Robin & Welcome,

I wish I had a whole lot to help you out here but this is a hard one. Right now he is stuck with doing things he needs to do and get done. If you are thinking about moving there then please make sure there is something there for YOU. You don't want to move to a new place with nothing there for you. You need something to fall back on just incase you both breakup and you dont have enough money to move back home.

Its great that you both are trying to work this out but as you see online relationships can be hard. Maybe right now is just not the right time for you both to make that move to be together. This could be holding you up because you life needs other things done first......What are you plans with life at this point? like school, job, him, ect?

[Rich]

IMO you're both still to young to be talking about marriage or living together. You both need to mature yet.

As the male in the relationship, most indoubtedly your BF will be the primary wage earner. That might not be true now, but when you go to have kids you will have to take months off from work and might have to leave you job all together. So when that happens, it'll all be on your BF shoulders.

Right now he's making a decision that his car is more important than getting a diploma and having a better, more fruitful and promising future. THAT'S BEING SHORT SIGHTED AND ONLY THINKING SHORT TERM.

Is that what you're looking for in a boyfriend or possible husband? Do you want to have a tough life? Do you want a man that has that type of thought process.

Right now he should stay where he's at and take at SOME classes. Then when he's able to sell the car, he should and then buy a cheaper used car.

The bottom line is that he should finish his schooling and suck it up now and do it. It only get's harder and he will not do it later on if that's what he is promising to do.

My advice to you is that you should go to school yourself and meet many, many people. You are only 18 and have not experienced anything yet. Trust me, you think that being with this guy will get you the freedom that you've been wanting, but you're wrong.

Right now your world is just beginning to open up and you're going to see and do so many things. Be free to experience all that will come your way with no hinderences or commitments.

My intuitiveness tells me that if you continue on the road that you're on, that you're jsut headed for tough times and heartache.

I'm sure this is not what you came to this site to hear, but it's what I'm offering anyway.

Rich

PS- Or do what you want and have your BF's car stolen. Collect the insurance money and do the right thing by buying a cheaper car and going to school. Oops, did I just say that? I'm joking of course. Don't do anything illegal.

[chillie]

Heh, steal his car eh? Interestinggg..yes..

Well, I was hoping for some more encouraging responses, but I'm not surprised. I don't really have any plans for my life. I'm not in college for the fact that I'm undecided in what I want to do and I dont want to waste money taking basics. I live in a small town and there arent many good paying jobs. I'm just fed up and tired of feeling like nothing ever goes right. I love my boyfriend more than anything and he's always been there for me.. he's the only thing I have. I don't want to move out there and have to live with his parents though "until we can get an apartment" the cost of living is so high there, most the people suck, and its like a desert - not too appealing. And I wouldnt want to raise kids there either.. :confused:

[Rich]

Chillie-

All that I can say is to not look to someone else to make your life better. Make it better yourself. In life there is no being with someone becasue you "owe" them.

Listen to your heart, it's telling you the right thing to do. Don't go.

Go to school where you are. In all colleges you need to take required courses at first anyway. These credits in most cases can be transferable to other colleges if you transfer.

So, go to school and meet folks. Plus it's not a waste of money as you'll get to see what college is like. Maybe you'll like it and maybe you won't. You'll at least get that question answered. Who knows, maybe it will even inspire you to do something else.

On the flip side, if you see that college won't be for you, then you have that answered and can make other plans accordingly.

Are you a sooner or a boomer? :-)


Rich

[eightball61]

I don't want to move out there and have to live with his parents though "until we can get an apartment" the cost of living is so high there, most the people suck, and its like a desert - not too appealing. :


This is what I wanted to point out....You dont want to live there or where you are now to low paying jobs. IF he can transfer out of his job to another one like it in a desired area somewhere between where he and you live now that may be an option. What you are looking at now is how to work this relationship into the future.

This is going to take a alot of stress on the both of you because you both have to compromise on this. I know you are just seeking outside opinion and a better response but what we are pointing out is the truth on whats happening now. You have to see the reality of things and find a way (together) to work through it. Tell him what you told us about your thoughts living there and get his thoughts on what to do. You both need to talk a lot more about this and maybe make a list to potentials on what to do.

He will have to do research on what fields and job opening may be away from his home and see if he can land a job there while you seek the same opportunity. You both also have to see the cost of living to make sure you both can survive there even if a fall happens.

You both are the ones that can make this work. Its not impossible to make this work...its just going to take time, patience, compromising, and communication.

[chillie]

Thanks for all the words of wisdom.. We've talked a lot, but it seems like talking about it only stresses us both out and we never really get anywhere new. Will think of everything you both have said..

Thanks again,
Chillie

[eightball61]

Like I said.....talking will get you both stressed out and thats why if you both want to start having a life together then you both need to find a way to make this work. If you are having communication problems already and giving up then maybe its just not going to work. Usually when you want something to happen then you strive for that goal even how stressful it is to get to it. If you both fight then send emails about talking about it. You both need to find a way to work it out or it will never get worked out and you will continue to date in cyber world.

[BigDave]

You have met with your boyfriend in real life, correct? you've actually been in his physical presence? If not- there could be an entirely different problem.

Myself, i am head over heels in love with a girl that lives 900 miles away from me. All my heart wants me to do is drop out of college, sell everything i own, and move to iowa to be with her. We both agreed it would be glorious- but each of us with 2 years of college left- it would be dooming our relationship. Its the toughest thing that i have to live with, only seeing her a couple of times over the school year, but i know that we both have a hell of a lot to learn about ourselves before we are ready to make a greater commitment to each other. I suggest you do the same. You dont have to break up with him. An hey- if your relationship can last through such a large time and distance- it could last through almost anything. Good things happen to those who wait.