Frustrated! Worried sick!

[Quimbymouse]

Thank god I found this forum. Talking to friends and family about these things sometimes isn’t the best option due to obvious bias and such. I’ll try to be as clear as I can…as the title says, I’m a little frustrated.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for nearly 5 years, and generally speaking, things are pretty good. We have our ups and downs of course…but who doesn’t? Anyway, this situation has been building up for some time. I work night shifts (midnight till noon) every Friday and Saturday night. While I wouldn’t expect my girlfriend to sit at home every weekend by herself, I’ve found her habits of late really troubling. Like I said, it’s been building up for awhile, but everything really came to a head 2 weeks ago when, after I had left for work, she immediately took of to a bar by herself after telling me she was going to stay in and relax. While there she managed to get into a physical fight with another girl. While the other girl was at fault (according to the bouncers) the situation concerns me greatly, as it is not like her at all. She told me she was sorry for going out by herself, and said it wouldn’t happen again. Good enough.

Last weekend, once again as soon as I left for work, she headed out with some ify friends of hers to get drunk. This time, she decided it would be a good idea to hang out with a former friend who is now a heroin addict. Luckily, this ex friend got waylaid on the way to the party (hmmm, I wonder by what?), but once again…disturbing, since we agreed that she was not the sort we should be hanging out with.

Now, this weekend she decided it would be great fun to hang out with some guy she had never met (who is biual) and get drunk with him on the recommendation of an out of town friend who has a habit of crushing on nasty people. It would have been fine if it was a group setting, but it wasn’t...just the two of them. We know nothing about this guy, but despite my pleading, and eventual ranting, she wouldn’t listen to me when I asked her not to go. Everything worked out fine tonight, but still.

I should note that this is not about jealousy and such, but more a concern for her safety, as this is not the nicest of towns. She is naive, and a poor judge of character (by her own admission) and these two traits are heightened when she is drunk, but with a new found confidence. She’s managed to suck up some not too great people into our lives in the past while drunk, which ended up being a headache to us both. We are in our late 20’s, yet she insists on hanging out with 19-21 year olds, and acting like she’s still back in school. She is so concerned with having people like her that she easily caves to peer pressure. She doesn’t even feel the need to call me when she gets home to let me know she made it safely. Every weekend, while at this horrible nightshift job, I have the added stress of worrying about her. I feel like I’m sitting here at work by myself, waiting for something bad to happen. There’s more I could say about this, but I feel like I’ve gone on enough.

So I guess I’m asking if I’m over-reacting, or if not, what should I do about this? I’ve seen friends end up in bad situations before, and I’d have a really hard time dealing with it if anything ever did happen to her.

Thanks in advance for any response/advice

[eightball61]

Yeah I'd be fustrated too. You're in a tough psosition because no matter how hard you try she just won't get it nor listen up unless something bad happens. She does have an immature side to her with her age being it is but it seems she's looking for an adventure. Hard for you to give her that when you're working and her actions justify's she just doesn't care. A partner should at least care and try to find a happy medium. I hate to say but this will continue unless something bad happens or you stand your ground.

[PrincessB]

You are not overreacting. It is not just what you say, but how you say it that's going to matter. She may be perceiving your concerns as overbearing and controlling so it is important to remain calm and neutral while confronting her.

[Lizzie]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I actually joined this forum to address a relationship problem of my own, but will get to it later. I think your girlfriend has a serious drinking problem and her behaviour when drunk is not a good indication of her personality. I'm speaking from experience here - reading your post reminded me so much of how I behaved (appalingly) when I was drinking - I've been sober now for more than 8 years. Please gently encourage her to get some help - this situation does not go away and only, unfortunately, gets worse. If you can wait for her to "see the light", and it may take a couple of attempts, things should get a lot better for you. Sorry to preach - I don't mean to sound like some sort of AA counsellor - in fact those AA meetings never worked for me, but I really feel you have no other course of action. All the best. Liz:)

[Quimbymouse]

Thanks for the words everyone, and I agree with all of you.

Every time I think I've gotten my point across, I'm proven wrong the following weekend. We had a talk earlier in the week about my concerns, and asked her if she's feeling trapped, depressed, and/or has the urge to bust out every once in awhile, and she assured me that everything was fine. She was quite convincing. When I left for work last night the plan for her was to stay in with a bottle of wine, and watch a movie with a friend, but I guess, after the friend went home, and I was gone, she went out by herself once more to a club. She already had an entire bottle of wine in her, plus whatever she drank at the club, so I can only imagine her state. She was dancing alone when some guy started grinding on her and such...You might find it unbelievable that she told me this, but she was quite drunk when she was talking to me, and thought it all very harmless. She said she left after that happened...but it looks like that has more to do with the place closing at 2 am, since when I called her at 2:15 she was just heading home. So, that remain calm thing went down the drain, and I blew up. I told her that she had a choice to make...keep acting like a 18 year old party girl, or grow up a bit and start acting responsibly...and that i would not be sticking around if she chose the first option. Because of her state I'm not sure I got thru to her, and so the plan for the moment is to not go home tomorrow after my shift is over. It's a difficult choice, but nothing else has gotten to her. I've been letting her slide far to easily every week after everything is said and done, and I want to send a clear message that her behavior is not ok with me. My only hope is that it doesn't backfire...but I guess I'm willing to take the risk.

As far as alcoholism goes. That's been a problem for a long while, and I've tried to help her quit many a time, but it never works. She's got all the typical excuses like, she only drinks once a week, her job is stressful, if she didn't drink she's have nothing to do on the weekends (the saddest excuse of all), etc. etc. And the worst of it is, her friends encourage the behavior. I've even been villified by them for being such a party pooper, so there are very few people I could approach for help in this.

I'm nearly at the end of my rope, which is sad because everything else in the relationship seems to be going fairly well.

[eightball61]

If she's had an issue like this with alcohol for a long time then she's lying to you if she saying that everything is fine. She's having some mental challeges such as depression and drinking is her only solution out. You've tried what you can and if she shows no strenght in getting htis issue resloved then you need to make a decision on whats best for you...not her.

[Lizzie]

Just one more quick post on this one - because you seem to feel very strongly about this woman. She'll have loads of excuses for her drinking and from her side she'll be thinking things like - all my friends drink (that's why she chose them) and what am I going to be like if I don't drink? - she certainly will no longer be the life of the party. Also how will I relax after a long day at work? right down to can I even enjoy when I'm not drinking? Will people like me when I'm sober? It takes a lot of confidence and it's quite scary on the other side.
Liz:)

[pete8876]

She's going out to clubs by herself, getting drunk, and letting random guys grind on her. She's also probably not telling you everything that happens when shes out. Based on what you have said this is OBVIOUSLY not a girl you want to have a relationship with. There are plenty of other women out there that are good people. Don't sacrifice your life to be with someone like this.