Confused

[sfls]

Well I am new to this forum and would like to say hello to everyone. I hope that some of you are finding answers to your own problems as I hope to do the same.

Well here goes:

I will not get into all the details mainly because it would fill about 50 pages of text, but in a nut shell I have some questions regarding my ex fiance. We dated for 3 years and were engaged for 1 year. We have lived together for 3 of the four years, but separated in Oct. 2004 for a few reasons. She is 26 and I am 29. Things have been up and down since then and I am really confused. We still talk almost everyday sometimes up to 3 or 4 phone calls and 10 emails. We do a lot of stuff together and for each other, but it is hard due to the fact that I still want to be with her and she tells me she cannot be with me right now. She has told me she still loves me and hopes we get back together, but nothing really seems to improve.

She has made a lot of new friends and has even gone out on a couple of dates, but doesn't want me to move on and find anyone else. I guess what I am getting at is what is the deal? Why will she not tell me to forget about her or stay away? Does she really care for me or am I just the one to be around when she needs help or money? Any women that can shed light on this situation would be greatly appreciated. I am starting to get a little impatient. I truly love her and we have been through a lot together. Am I just wasting my time? We have talked about this a lot, but nothing gets worked out except that she cannot be with me right now. Please help........

[Rich]

You are her security blanket, plain and simple.

What's laughable is the fact that she can date but doesn't want you too. I hope you didn't accept those terms and that you're dating as well. If you accepted those terms, then bad on you.

The bottom line is that if you're looking for marriage real soon, then you need to let this girl know your intentions.

Tell her that you're at a point in your life where you're looking to settle down with someone. That you would like that someone to be her, but that you're not going to force her into being with you. Ask her if she's ready to settle down and if she could see herself marrying you.

If the answer to your questions are, no, then you need to tell her that you're unfortunately going to have to break things off with her and pursue other opportunities.

And then just end things with her cold turkey. No going back, even just for . No new girlfriend will accept your continued friendship with your ex-fiance.

Good luck,

Rich

[eightball61]

You are her security blanket, plain and simple.




You are her blanket and backbone as Rich pointed out. You are your own person though...... She wants to go out and see whats out there before she decides to settle down. You are at the age of 39 and I am sure you would like to settle down now. You can't settle down with her and that has been express.

The point to focus at now is "why are you holding on"?

To me there is no point of hanging on when there is no hope. She has told you she is not ready to date again. Whats confusing is you both express feelings to eachother and talk about the future. The problem is you don't really know what the future will say for the both of you.

I mean you are holding back while she dates. What happens if she finds someone else and moves on with them? You lose out.....

If she can go out and date then you are your own person and old enough to figure out that you CAN do the same thing. There is no point in playing her childish games. If she is not ready then she should just express that so you can move one but her problem is she doesn't know how to let go and she is leading you on. Do you want to be lead on?

Its hurting you as we see. You posted this because you are lost on what to do. You need to see the clear picture at what she is doing and just move onto dating like she is. If you both come back together in the end then you know the relationship was meant to be. Right now though, its not meant to happen and she is out doing whatever while you are holding back and missing out on life. This is you life and its time to get out there and do things for yourself rather than have someone you are not dating run it.

[sfls]

I appreciate everything both of you have said.......I guess I need to just live for myself and see what happens. I am tired of hoping and wishing, it is hard to give up when I love her so much, but that is what needs to be done. I suppose if it is meant to be....it will come back around.

Thank you

[eightball61]

When you are a child adult tell you to hold onto your dreams but as we become adults it get clearer sometimes holding on is not always he key to make it work. The only way to make it work is for her to have a change of heart and come back directly to you with open arms.....

It is hard to give up and you see that. You are now in the stage where you are tired of all the games and you just want to have a life of your own and start something with someone that you can share a lifetime with. You are not going to get that here and you know that so its time to seek something better and happier for you. The point is at this point is to look out for yourself. I am not telling you to stop being friends with her but you both need to change the ways you act when talking to more of a friendship basis and let her know your new plans.

This talk alone may ruin things between you both but you need to set the record straight rather than continue what has been going on. You are tired off it and the only way to stop it is to put a stop to it.