Need help to move on

[Rykitten]

I hope I have put this in the right section, I apologize if not.

I am having a very hard time moving on with my life and finding the positive aspects of being single again. I used enjoy my freedom as an individual! But now I miss couplehood :(

A bit of history:
My BF of 4 years recently broke up and moved out of our place. My point of view: He is in a band and during the last year has started performing both Fri. and Sat. nights. He has band practice Tues. and Thurs. nights. He plays in a basketball league two nights a week. We used to do everything together but since he joined the band, we hardly ever spend time together. He is so busy and he gets home late in the evening. I miss him so much. I tried to talk to him about making time for me and our relationship. I was cool about it at first. I was going to all the shows, playing the supportive girlfriend role. But after a few months I got sick of trailing him around when he won't make time to do the things I want to do. I tried to discuss it with him and told me that I need to start hanging out with my friends more. I feel like he's being self-fish by not caring about my needs.

I was complaining about it a lot because I was really unhappy. So he left. We've been talking almost everyday, we're supposed to be working things out. But nothing is getting resolved. He was supposed to come over Sat. night after his show but he didn't show up. I called him Sun. and texted him several times but he has not responded. Does that mean it's really over? I don't know what to think anymore . . . His music comes first. It didn't always used to be this way and it makes me so sad that our relationship is over because he refuses to compromise.

I find myself texting and calling him all the time. I can't get him out of my mind. I'm always wondering if what he's doing, if he's spending time with someone new, if he has any hope for our relationship.

I know I should move on with my life because he just doesn't care anymore. But it's so hard! I've been asked out several times in the last week but I don't think it's fair to go out with anyone yet. I haven't been in a pleasant mood :mad:

What can I do to forget about him? Please help me!

[eightball61]

I find myself texting and calling him all the time. I can't get him out of my mind. I'm always wondering if what he's doing, if he's spending time with someone new, if he has any hope for our relationship.

!

This is all wrong...I mean if you broke up with him then you shouldn't be playing the jealous character in this role. You found that you both were different when it came time to figure out how much you actually need for someone to spend time with you. His job is demanding and I can see that side being a DJ myself. .

He put his career somewhat ahead of you because this is the direction he wanted to go. You were and may be still are part of his life but things wont carry out unless you are excepting to his life-style. I can see why is was hard for you because you wanted someone to be there and grow with faster than the pace it was going at last year when he was doing this all the time but he wanted to proceed with this first.

We can't make you forget about him because thats something the human mind has a hard time letting go. You can help yourself out though by calming things down and to stop calling him. If you want to move on then you need to make a change in your daily routine of contacting him. What you are doing now is not helping anything.

What you also need to realize is that even if you do move on to someone new you have to be someone excepting and compromising. I mean we all have goals to what we wanna do or we have hobbies that we like to keep to. While being in a relationship you and your partner have to learn to work together. We all have needs of comfort and play time and that all has to be compromised as in one. Some people like the cuddle time while others don't. You both can compromise that by spending a cetrain amount of a time per night or per week you both get cuddle time and denicate the other time to whatever each's personal interest may be. Its something that you and you partner just have to work out together on a 2-way street as a team .

[Rykitten]

This is all wrong...I mean if you broke up with him then you shouldn't be playing the jealous character in this role.
He actually broke up with me because he was sick of hearing me complain about how much I missed him.

He put his career somewhat ahead of you because this is the direction he wanted to go. You were and may be still are part of his life but things wont carry out unless you are excepting to his life-style. I can see why is was hard for you because you wanted someone to be there and grow with faster than the pace it was going at last year when he was doing this all the time but he wanted to proceed with this first.
I understand now that just because I am willing to make sacrifices doesn't mean I should expect other people to do the same for me. I always thought that two people that love each other should be willing to work things out, come to a solution. But in this case I was wrong to ask him for his time when he so obviously wanted to spend it else where. It's hard to be supportive of something that is pulling your relationship out from underneath you. I guess I should have seen this coming a long time ago when he stopped paying attention to how I was feeling. It just hurts because I feel like he stopped caring about us and started focusing on music.

So the best thing to do is not call or text him? You think this will help me to move on? I'm sick of missing him. :(

[eightball61]

It's hard to be supportive of something that is pulling your relationship out from underneath you.

:(

First off, I am sorry to make that assumption of you braking up with him. I should have asked instead of jump.

Second, it is very hard to be supportive of something like this and this is a common problem many relationships face. As a partner you have look into the other person's shoes and try to see what they mean. Many times when we fight in relationships we don't try to look in the other person's shoes. Instead we look into what we only think is right and it hard to except someone elses opinion to an issue.

You are not wrong and not right. I mean you have your own view to that you want and need for a partner to please you. He couldn't bring that to you and here you are broken up. Its nothing that you did wrong. You have needs and wants and so doesn't he. This is where you both saw different. He has different wants and needs than you have.

Letting go is not an easy way to go but "IF" you know you won't be able to handle this life then I suggest move on. "IF" you can handle it then talk to him about the future and maybe start going to his shows and see him there. It will be hard but you would be compromising under that condition. If that atmosphere is not for you then "yes" you need to stop the calls and move on.


ps. again sorry for the assumption

[Diablo]

Letting go is not easy, but you said it: his music comes first. The thing for you to do is yank yourself up and do things to occupy your mind. Of course you're going to have a hard time letting go if sit around wondering whether or not to text him. Forget him! He dumped you, further contact should be up to him. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it is something positive and gets your mind off of him.

[Rykitten]

He showed up at my place last night to get his mail. When I asked how he is doing he started to cry. He says he's miserable without me but he's scared to try again because it might not work out. I told him what I need (more one-on-one time), he told me what he needs (more understanding/support of his goals.) It was a good talk and I feel like we made some ground. But he's still not sure if he wants me. He wants to take it "one step at a time." I don't really understand what that means . . .
But I am trying to be patient. Sometimes I feel like such a loser for waiting around for him to decide whether or not he wants me . . . because if he decides he doesn't, I will be devastated again. I know that I have the power the walk away, but the desire for a future together keeps me hanging around. I wish I would let my head lead instead of my heart. Hopefully one way or the other a decision will be made soon.

[Rich]

If the band and making music are his life's passion, then let him be. What if you were dating a minor league ballplayer that had aspirations to be a major leaguer? Would you stop him from practicing and trying to obtain his goals? Would you at him to give you more attention?

Some people are put here on earth and actually discover what they have a passion for. Your BF has a passion for music and I don't think that you're going to win that battle, so you can either accept it or move on.

What I also think though, is that your BF is not going to be a major league basketball player and as such he should drop that and be with you. If what you two have is that "be together forever" type of relationship, then he should recognize that he needs to spend more time with you. Actually he should WANT to spend more time with you. Afterall, what's the point of having someone to love if you don't want to spend time together with that person?

IMO, a compromise would be for him to sacrafice some basketball time and be with you. Right now he finds more fun in playing basketball then in being with you. Why is that? Do you guys not do fun things together? If all that you do is , then I'd be hiding out at the club and gym myself. Try being a fun person and having your BF see that.

The band I can see. The basketball can go if he truly did love you. Find a common interest and fun thing to do together to replace that.

Rich

[Diablo]

Well, set aside some time for it to either work out or not; how much time is up to you. If it doesn't or he still doesn't know what he wants by the time that the time is up, then it will be time to move on. Pursuing a goal like music should not take all of someone's time. They still have to eat and meet their responsibilities. You can pursue your goals and have time for your significant other. If he doesn't see that, he's either too obsessed with music or he has issues he's not talking about.

[Rykitten]

Thanks everybody. I feel a bit better about things now. It's good to get different perspectives.

A compromise is what's needed here. On both sides. I cannot force him to make time for me. Rich, you're right on point when you said "Actually he should WANT to spend more time with you. Afterall, what's the point of having someone to love if you don't want to spend time together with that person?" I've brought this to his attention on several occasions and his response is always "Music is my childhood dream. I can't believe you want me to choose." The thing he doesn't get is that I would NEVER ask him choose between me and music. He would end up resenting me and our relationship and we would never be happy.

I consider myself to be a fun person but different strokes for different folks. I used to go to all his B-ball games and all of his shows. But it got to the point where it became boring for me. I'm not really spending time with him at either of those events. I am usually sitting alone watching. I love to be outdoors. I've tried to plan several hiking trips to waterholes, bbqs at the beach, stuff like that. My hobby is aquariums/fish. He'd rather play the guitar or be on stage.

Diablo I like your idea of setting a time frame for myself. I can't sit around for the rest of my life waiting for him to decide if he wants to work with me or not. Thanks :D

[eightball61]

What about compromising and going to some of these gigs with him?

[Rykitten]

eightball, I used to go to every single show. Things were different when he first started.

In the beginning I went with him to record. I am even in a couple of his songs :o I started a website for him and we used the facilities at work to make an his first EP. I was involved. Then he joined a band and they already had people doing all that stuff. My efforts were no longer welcome. I still do the some of the website stuff but that's about it. The band is a very tight knit group of guys and the girlfriends are (not sure how to put this) a bunch of lushes that start fights at the shows. They mosh and act all crazy and that's just not me. I've had a hard time fitting in with them :(

I wanted to go to the show this past Sat. I mentioned it to him and he never called me back that night . . . So I'm assuming he didn't want me there. We're both tired of arguing and feeling unstable. He's changed so much over this past year and I haven't changed with him. In April he has 7 shows scheduled. He's playing at some really big venues and he's really excited. I'd like to be there with him but I don't know if it's going to be possible.

[eightball61]

I wanted to go to the show this past Sat. I mentioned it to him and he never called me back that night . . . So I'm assuming he didn't want me there. .


Don't assume next time...Just go to the show. If he was crying like you stated before and wants you back then you both need to find a way to make it work. If you can't find a way then you know it was never meant to be.

[Rich]

Compromise is a two way street and right now you're the only one compromising. What is your BF doing? Seems like nothing.

I would say that music is his first love and that you're his second, but even that's not true because he plays basketball before being with you.

So, you're not even second in his life and that should open your eyes to the reality of the situation.

IMO, if he had the types of feelings for you that are conducive to a long lasting and happy relationship, then you shouldn't be having to fight for the crumbs that you are getting and being an after thought.

If you want to be totally loved, respected, cared for and have attention shown your way (which you should want), then you're going to have to find it with someone else. I don't think that your BF is at that point in his life where you're going to get that. Plus I don't think his feelings for you are that deep, truly.

Rich

[Rykitten]

Wow . . .

I'm feeling really emotional right now . . .
He just texted me saying:
"I'm not going to change toward you. I know what's best for me and this relationship is not what I want anymore."
"So we can't be together. I'm moving on with my life. Thank you for everything but I'm not what you need."

I don't know what to do with myself and these feeling I'm having . . .

I don't want to be an ass and beg him to talk with me but I feel like we could make it work. But I can't force him to want it. I know I should move on but it hurts to think that he's out of my life . . .

And Rich, you are correct. My feelings are apparently much stronger than his.

Now there's the matter of getting the money I lent him back. He's been promising to pay me for months. Any suggestions short of taking him to court?

Ouch

[eightball61]

Now there's the matter of getting the money I lent him back. He's been promising to pay me for months. Any suggestions short of taking him to court?

Ouch


If you kept documentation on that transaction then you may be able to get it back in small claims court but remember you will have to pay lawyer fees also. How much did you lend him? I ask this because sometimes its not worth it at all because you end up losing out more.

His text is what he sees the relationship as of now. He has something that he likes to do and he doesn't want anything to stand in the way of it. He wouldn't mind having a girlfriend but he needs to have something that will understand what he doing. There are many other people in your shoes to spouses that denicate a lot of time to work because they are needed or a manager or something. He can control how much time he puts into this but he has a choice between the band or you. He rather have both but he is trying to go for his dream and he doesn't want to be kicking himself latter in life for giving up a dream that may amount to something.

You both tried to work it out and nothing was worked. This is the only thing he sees is for the best. He doesn't want to leave you hanging there because its just not right. See a little positive out of this because if you hung on then things would be worse down the road for you emotionally.

[Rich]

I'm glad that he was honest and said what he said instead of stringing you along.

I know that it hurts right now, but just know that things happen for a reason and when you meet Mr. Right, you're going to be thankful that this relationship ended.

As for the money, hopefully you have a receipt. If you don't have a receipt, then send him an email asking for the money back that you loaned him and specify the exact amount.

When he responds back about that loan, then he is in effect admitting that he took money from you and you can use THAT in court. And as for small claims court, you cannot use a laywer. You defend yourself. So there's no cost to you. Just go down and file if he does not pay you back.

I wish you luck and I hope you meet someone that will give back to you all that you give to a relationship. When you find that one person everything feels sooooo right and not forced. You'll truly "just know", that this is THE one.

Good luck,

Rich

[Rykitten]

Just wanted to share some dirt :p

I've been going out, meeting new people. I have a date tonight :D I'm honestly not ready for a new relationship yet but the guy I'm going out with is super fun to be around and we have great times together.

Anyway, last night at 3am I got a call from my best friend who was in line at a fast food joint. Guess who was behind her? That's right, you guessed it, my ex. He was making out with some chick. He saw noticed my friend and called me today. The girl he's now seeing is some skank he met at one of his shows. LoL He told me he's in love with her and totally happy. I knew it was bound to happen. We've been broken up for 3 weeks and he's already in love again. Blows me away.

I'm pissed and hurt that after 3 weeks he's already completely moved on. I don't get it. People freak me out sometimes . . .
I guess everyone's concept of love is different, but 3 weeks???

[eightball61]

We all have different rates to move on. He has moved on and now dating someone. You are going on dates yourself and trying to move on also. If you as an individual are not ready for a relationship then just hold off and date around.

Eventually as time goes on you will be ready to date again. Time is key here and it take a while to move on totally. You don't need to worry about getting mad at what he is doing because he is now an ex. Your focus is to continue to move on. You are doing good for yourself and have fun on that date tonight ;)

[2BDMD]

RyKitten:

I hope you're doing better. Keep up the great spirits, I know it is very difficult to be the receiver end of a break up, we've all been there before. To boost self-esteem, yes, do go on dates, heck get a free dinner if anything. Also try to get yourself in the gym, working out will not only relief stress/anger, but it also will better your looks and make you feel better about yourself. Not to mention another great place to meet potential dates.

Best medicine to get over a break up is to realize your ex's faults and be happy with yourself. Dating others and having new feelings will definitely help too. Be strong girl, everyday will be better, I assure you.