5 year relationship is having problems.... PLEASE HELP!!!

[ProudPatriot]

I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE HELPP!!!!

Hello Everyone!

Im going to start off with a little about myself.
I am a 22 year old female who lives in Virginia. I grew up being raised by a very young mother. We moved around a lot and I never met my father. I learned at a very young age to only rely on myself and I have always been very Independent.
Since I was 14, I have been working and saving money to pay for whatever I wanted. I became fully self sufficient taking care of my own bills, food, cloths, even bought a brand new car all by myself at the age of 17!
I have worked very hard to take care of myself. I became a Paralegal and work at a law firm and have my own apartment.
Anyways.... I have been dating the same wonderful man for 5+ years. We are best friends and we are always there for eachother. We have had a very strong relationship for all these years.
The problem I have is how he is with his family. I am a very strong believer that family is important and should always be the second priority in life after God. BUT, when is family too much??
My boyfriend is 24 years old and still follows his custody schedule that his parents constructed when they got divorced when he was 8 years old.
He still lives at home with his mom, brother (who is 21 years old), little sister who is 9 and his step dad.
He switches off every other weekend between his mothers house and fathers house and has dinner with his dad every Tuesday and Thursday.
Because I have my OWN apartment and like cooking for myself and hanging out in the place that I work hard to pay for, he gets upset that I dont go to his parents house to hang out that much anymore.
I only visit my own parents every once a week or once every other week and they live 20 minutes away.
What bothers me is the relationship he has between his mother. She still does his laundry, cook, clean, pay for his cloths etc... She calls him to come hom to take care of the dishes, come home for dinner and even called him 2 times in 30 minutes yesterday (while we were out on a fancy dinner date with eachother) to remind him to take out the trash when he got home. He's 24........why does he still have chores???
He's the one who has to mow the lawn, do the landscape, put up the seasonal decorations, pick up his little sister from daycare when she cant make it etc.... The step dad does nothing.... His mother and step dad have seperate bedrooms and have not slept together for over 6 years. He lives in the bat and rarely comes up to do anything but to eat dinner. Its a very odd marriage with no affection.
So my boyfriend gets treated like the husband.
I am very concerned and bothered by this. I have tried talking to him and letting him know that this is unhealthy but he gets upset with me saying it doesnt bother him and his mom has no one else to help her.
I dont know what to do. I dont want to lose him but I dont know how much longer I can take this.
Am I being selfish??
We have talked about marriage but until I see a change, I dont even want to consider it.
He claims he lives at home because he can live there for free and save money to buy a house but he ends up spending the money on car modifications or useless stuff.
Does anyone have any advice? I dont want to change who HE is but I need to do something about this situation. I want to get married, and have kids and definitly move out of Virginia but I dont think he wants to move far from his mom.

Please help me and provide some advice. Thank you all who have stuck in through this story....

[Kizzari]

It sounds to me like this guy needs to grow up a lot before you should even consider anything serious with him... unless you want to end up being his new mommy. You will probably end up having to take care of him, since he hasn't learned to do anything on his own (laundry, shopping, etc.), so it really depends on if you're okay with that. You're not being selfish, the two of you are just on different maturity levels. He might just end up holding you back.

[smackie9]

You are dating a mama's boy....so unfortunate that you chose to date someone so different from your independent self. A word of warning.......even if you two move in together he is going to expect YOU to fill in for his mom. Sad but true you will even be more frustrated when you end up doing everything for him. It is the way he is raised and there really in no changin a guy out of all those bad habits. If you are getting resistance now from him, just imagine when you tell him to push a vacuum around and to do his own laundry. Girl don't hold your breath for change...he ain't grown up enough for a future with you. When you push for change this relationship is gonna rock and quake to no end.....best be making an independent decision to move on for your own sanity.

[jidekanluv]

Two love bird from different horizon.
You two are raise in a very opposite enviroment, and you must put this into consideration. you raise to be indenpent at the early stage of life and he is not for once raise that way
You loved him, he loves you, fine! LOVE worthy fighting for?
You have to try and help him, before giving up on him.

How can you help him:
1. stop complaining about what he does at home, find a way of putting it to him that will make him understand you. Complaining will not change him

2. Show interest in what he does, not by giving a helping hand but it is bad one in a while, you can always stay with him or be around him while he is doing is chores, and you can always find a way to jokingly make him shame of him self, not abuses.

3. get closer to him show him more affection, and there are other ways to win him away from is background, it all depents on you.

As for him saving money to buy or build a house, it will be diffficult for him to achieve it unless he is married to a responsible woman, bcos he has not responsiblity yet, he will always spend it on meaningless thing, that is the way he is being brought up.

You are the one to help him,if you love him. Giving up on him might make him better or worsten him.

[ProudPatriot]

Thanks for the input!
It's nothing like that though. Because we have seen eachother all most every day for the last 5+ years, he knows what he cant get away with with me. He knows I wont clean up after him and when at my apartment with me, he does everything him self. He is always the one who cooks "I cant cook, I try to make everything in the microwave". He cleans up after himself etc...
I just want the relationship with his mom to become less intense. I dont even know how to explain it.
I dunno, I might just be over reacting because I have never had someone take care of me like that but I do feel that at the age of 24, he should be more independent.
He also takes the metro to work every day and so does his mom so they meet up at the metro every morning and sit together. Isnt that enough time to spend with your mother every day and not have to be home for dinner once or twice a week??
Iv also never been on a family vacation and he has like 2 or 3 a year which I feel that he should be able to decide now at the age of 24 if he even wants to go or not.
Yesterday his mom made him go to Kings Dominion with the family even though he didnt want to go? Is that a little weird?
She also forces him to do Christmas pictures every year with his brother and little sister and the pictures always turn out so weird making him look like a kid.

[smackie9]

Why not you two live together? You have been dating for years now. Isn't it time to take it to the next level? Once he gets some grownup time away from mommy he will realize what he has been missing out on. Wow responsibility....it could be very liberating for him.

[ProudPatriot]

Oh, I have definitly discussed that with him. He says he doesnt want to move in with eachother first. He says he wants to live on his own or with another male roommate first so he can get a feel for living on his own first so it doesnt put strain on our relationship by moving in together and not knowing how to make it on your own.

[smackie9]

OMG he has commitment issues then if he is saying that! You have been dating for over 5 years now.......it's time. He is damn scared I tell ya. This my dear is a red flag, a very large one in fact. If he feels he can't move in with you.....you will be waiting....and waiting...and waiting.......