Is my relationship over?

[CindyTn]

My boyfriend and I were living together. We have split up a couple of times but this time I think it's over for good. He has a drinking problem and that is the root of all of our problems. I try to deal with and help him but he doesnt seem to want help. I have known this man for over 10 years and he was one of my best friends. He went to a local bar Friday after work. He called me at 5 saying he'd be home "in a few minutes". 3 hours later he came home drunk. He didn't even offer an apology. I told him that I just couldn't deal anymore and that he should leave if that was the life that he is going to chose. I can't have my 13 year old daughter being around that sort of behavior. I do love him and he loves me. But I think he loves the party life more and I just don't have that option. We have always gotten back together when we've split up but this time he said that he is going to come pick up all of his things. I guess that means its over for good??? :confused:

[Rich]

By you asking if it's over, I take it that you're leaving this decision up to you BF. Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

You should take control of your life and YOU should want to end it. Don't make it his choice. Stand up for yourself and be secure in who you are.

Being around an alcoholic is not healthy for anyone. If they don't see that they have a problem and want to help themselves, then you're just wasting your time and energy.

Don't do it. You also don't "owe" this guy any help.

If you don't want to have to deal with all the lows that this guy is going to go through (DUI's, DWI's, loss of job, etc.) then leave him. You will wind up supporting him. When he can't pay his bills and such because he's drinking his money away and he loses his job (which will happen), then you will be totally supporting him. Do you want that?

If you chose to stay, then know that it was your choice and then don't complain and just suck it up and be miserable.

Often times women play the mother, nurse role and think that thay can nurture someone back to normalcy. He's not going to want or accept help until he realizes that he has a problem. Does he realize that he has a problem?

Also, why expose your daughter to this? Aren't you showing her that you'll accept any type of behavior from your man? Is that what you want her to learn?

Breaking up a few times is a sign that multiple problems exist in your relationship.

IMO, end it and don't regret it.

Rich

[CindyTn]

Yeah, I guess I am leaving it up to him in a way. I want him to come back but I want things to change. I was married and feel that I didnt try hard enough in that relationship so I want to make sure that I have done everything possible to make this one work before I call it quits. I don't think that he realizes that he has a problem. I thought that I could "teach" him responsibility. That I could show him that there is more to life than the way that he was living prior to us getting together. I feel that I have failed if he still choses that life over the normal family life that I am offering him. I do not want my daughter to feel that this is normal behavior in a relationship. I have talked to her and she knows that it isnt and I know that by taking him back I am teaching her incorrectly. But when he is gone she misses him as much as I do. She doesn't realize that he has a drinking problem because I have hidden it from her. You have made some very good points and you are right. It's just a matter of "am I strong enough to not take him back". My heart tells me otherwise. I have not contacted him since he left Friday and I won't. Thank you for your advice.

[bdtraders]

If it was just you and him i would say try to help him with his problem or leave, but thats not the case you have a 13 year old to think of and she dosent need him in her life. As much as you and her will miss him, its just gonna get worse as she gets older. Tell him that unless he seeks real help he will never see her or you again, then leave it at that. If he really loves her and you then he will clean up. His problem is a HUGE problem and he needs to see that. Move on if he dosent, theres many guys out there that would love to me a nice hubby and father to you and your child

[eightball61]

You do need to make an adult decision and leave. He has a few problems that he needs to work out before he get any heavier into any relationship. He has chosen beer and the bar over you. He ruined things as far as I can see. If he wanted you badly then he would see what he is doing and make that change. Maybe a split may be that wake-up call for him.

[Rich]

My wife's ex is an alcoholic, so I know somewhat of what might transpire.

Until your BF crashes and hits rock bottom, then he won't realize that he has a problem and will want to change.

Right now it's going to keep spiraling downhill and there is nothing that you can do about it. There is no "teaching" for you to do.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

So don't feel like that.

Let him go and good luck. And don't hide it from your little girl because it will cause some conflict between you two. She'll get mad at you for leaving him. Let her learn that life lesson.

Just my opinion.

Rich

[smackie9]

Yes! get out of there! And damn it, don't you feeling guilty about it. He with probably tell you it's all your fault..blah blah blah. Like everyone had said here, it's not your problem. And it's not healthy for you and your child to stay. No alcoholic will know that they have a problem until they hit bottom, like Rich had said. Move on girlfriend! Move on! :)

[eightball61]

As Rich pointed out many people that do drugs or are into alcohol don't know they have a problem until a light bulb goes off in thier head. The only way to maybe get him to realize this problem is if he loses you and then proves a change for the best. I lost many good friends do to a drinking problem and I gained friends that used me. Once the reality hit of what happened then I changed my ways but I had to do it for myself.