married ex keeps messaging me

[wicky]

hey there... i am new to this but i think i need some advice. i was dating this wonderful guy back in the day, which i loved more than anything... my feelings havent changed, however, he recently got married to a girl he cannot know.

we broke up about 3 years ago since i live in germany and he is a soldier in the us-army. he unfortunately had to go back to the states. we made it one year apart from each othere and then the break up. it was very hard for me and it took me year to deal with it.

when he was in iraq a couple years later we started talkin again and went on vacation together...only as friends. which was fine with me at first, but then my feelings for him came back. we endet up being friends with benefits.

he signed up for germany again and 3 months before he had to leave for germany he met a girl. she lived 6 hours away frm his base and they saw each other every other or 3rd weekend within this 3 months. he told me she was wonderful and they started getting serious. out of a sudden he told me that he asked her to marry him. one week before he had to leave... i was crushed.

hes been in germany for 10 months now and they havent seen each other yet, but got married via proxy a month ago.

my problem is that we hooked up all the past few months. i thought it was his decision. i must admit that i enjoyed it but at the same time i assume that he was just using me. we talked about him and his "wife" and he didnt seem to feel guilty... but he told me he loved her and that he wants to spent his life with her. i dont think that they even know each other really. they havent even lived together yet. all in all they´ve only seen each other for maybe 3 weeks in total in a timeframe of 1 year. i just think that he is getting scared of getting old and not finding someone better, thats why he married her. he is only 25 and definitely not ready for such an committment, since he is been cheating on her from day 1 of their relationship.

now i am in spain and he called me a couple days ago... the first contact after the marriage... and asked me if it was possible for me to come back a little earlier (prolly to have some fun). i was shocked. i mean now he is officially married and not even that makes him think about being loyal. he keeps messaging me and telling me what he loves bout me and what he misses.
at the same time he tells her how lucky he is having her.

you must knwo that she is coming to germany in less than 2 weeks.

i dont know what to do. i always hoped to be the woman on his side. and i really love him from the bottom of my heart. but what he is doing now is not right and i really want to tell him, but at the same i am scared to tell him that it is wrong what he does as he might not talk to me again.

[Rich]

Stay away and look at this logically. Is this the type of man that you would want to be married to?

He marries a girl via proxy that he hardly knows and the ncheats on her without even a hint of remorse?

His thought process on the getting married part can be highly questioned and you would have to wonder if his thought process with you would always be that screwed up as well. Would you want a father to your children to have such a short sighted thought process?

Then there's the cheating part. Obviously his thoughts on marriage aren't what they should be. He doesn't view marriage as this holy union that's forever. He's actually on the other end and views it as a joke.

To be cheating on this girl with you is wrong. I fee lthat he got marriaed just to have someone to write to while he was away. To have someone. Ho got married for the wrong reasons.

All in all you have to question this man's thought process and ask yourself if this is the type of man that you want to spend the rest of your life with and the raise children with? Can you trust a man so shallow and uncaring? I wouldn't.

Take the out of the equation. Good doesn't equal true love.

Look at the man on the whole and you'll see that he's not really a true man yet.

I think that you could do better and would be wise to change your phone number and just forget about him. Or text him and tell him that you will not fool around with a married and that you don't want anything to do with him anymore. Unless of course you just want and don't mind being the "other" woman.

What type of person are you and how do you chose to want to live your life? Is it being the other woman in a cheating relationship?

This guy is young and immature and not ready for a true love marriage that's supposed to last forever. Also consider that he's in the military and that he can go into battle at anytime and possibly get killed. Being in that environment he can't think long term and is only looking for the here and now, which means trying to get all the that he can. This is either with you or with anyone else that he can be with.

We all choose the situations that we want to be in and you can choose to be in this type of one.......or not. Your choice.

[wicky]

thank you for your reply... what you are saying is true. and its not that i dont know... i am used and i feel used. that is for sure. and i feel bad for his wife, because it seems that she is really in love with him, even tho i dont know if that is even possible since they cannot know each other that well.

i have always been there for him, no matter what. while he was in iraq i was the only one that called him or sent him boxes every other week...i stayed over night in the hospital when he had surgery.

i think that this man does not have any feelings for me and i am really trying to convince myself to let him go... but deep inside i knwo that this is the man i want to be with. we have had some great years together and he is a great guy, except when it comes to women. i thought his wife might be the one, since he was talking about her instantly and the fact that he asked her to marry him after such a short time made me think that he really loves her..

but after all this cheating (not only with me) i am not so sure anymore. i know and his parents know that he is not ready yet.

should i jsut let him go? yes i should, but i simply cant. this my problem. he is also my best friend and i always feel to be there for him and help him, escpecially now, since he is deploying in a few weeks again.

me and his parents thought about letting his wife know about him screwing around, but id rather not get involved in that. i am just wondering... can someone really be in love and screwing around at the same time?

[Rich]

IDK. Can someone really be in love with a man that doesn't love her and is using her to screw around on his wife?

Sounds like you have low self esteem to feel that you're not even a second choice, be accepting of that and that you don't deserve better then this type of man.

I'm guessing that you don't date that much.

[wicky]

i must admit that i havent been dating since our break up, which was 4 years ago. i am just not interested in other men, which makes it much more difficult to just let go. i wish i could be strong enough to tell him that i feel used and that i am not willing to keep playing that game.

i think deep inside i am still hoping to get him back someday.

[Rich]

Again, what type of prize is he that you're holding out dreams that you'll get him back one day.

You control your life, no one else. If you want to live in this misery then it's your fault and don't b*tch and moan. It is what it is and you're getting what you get.

You can feel sorry for his wife as I'm sure the next woman will feel sorry for you if you ever did get this guy back.

People walk over you only if you let them!

[PrincessB]

I'm sorry but I wouldn't feel sorry for you if you took this slimebag back and rest assured that only a bleeding heart would feel any sort of sympathy for a homewrecker.

I'm not trying to tear you down with name calling but you're not getting it Wicky. You recognize you're being used by a man that is married to another woman and willfully allowed yourself to be a participant in an affair. I don't know that many women would feel sorry for you if you take him back for that reason alone.

You know you are being used and that he doesn't love you, but yet you state that you know he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with: Do you hate yourself that much?

My advice is to remove yourself from this situation before you inflict further damage to yourself and try to gain some love for yourself first. You are not this horrible ugly human being that deserves nothing more than the bottom feeding slime in the dating pool. You need to research your inner beauty and find peace with yourself because you are in desperate need of some self-love.

Rich is right. If you carry this on with this self-inflicted mental S&M and it is all your fault if you don't stop it.

[wicky]

hey there. thank you for your honesty. i deleted all his numbers. you are right. i think i just needed someone to tell me that i am weak. i feel embarrassed that i let him run all over me... thank you very much.