I need help, I'm losing it!!!!!

[xfire82]

Ok, I just got married last July and thought I was really happy. But I'm afraid I may have made a mistake. Well, I'm in the Air Force and deployed right now. I guess it's given me time to think about my decision. We got married about a month after we started dating. I think I only accepted because I thought I'd never find somebody I could stand that wanted to marry me. I don’t think I thought it through. I think he just wanted to be married too, but doesn't really realize it, he's proposed to two girls in the past. But what makes me feel like a complete jerk is that he's an awesome husband. He sends me a thousand emails a day, letters, packages, takes care of the house really well now that I'm gone, etc. He even got a tattoo with my name on it!! That's part of the problem, he's too in love with me and it makes me feel horrible. But he's told me that he's always afraid of losing me because he's lost girls in the past. So sometimes I think that all of this, even getting married, were just stunts to keep me from leaving him. Also, he's not the guy he was when I met him. A while after we started dating and after getting married, I noticed some things about him that I thought would go away with time.

-When we'd go out with friends, he'd either try to separate us from the group or want to leave early.

-His idea of going out was to go get Chinese take out!

-I’m more spontaneous while he’s more into routine. If someone asked us out of the blue to go with them the next day on some trip and I didn’t have to work, I be like, ‘hell yeah I’ll go’ (I know that cause I’ve done it before, lol)!! But Derek would be like, ‘Well, I don’t know, I was gonna do laundry, etc…’ He acts like he’s 50 years old all of a sudden!!

-He just doesn’t seem very masculine to me at all. Which obviously is important to any female, lol.

A few months before I came out here, I had the blahs big time, I felt like a zombie and was almost depressed. I blamed it on the fact that I was depressed about coming here, but that wasn't it. I was bored. And I think I was already starting to feel unattracted to him. I had no drive. And now when I look at his pictures, I wonder what I ever saw in him. I'm actually kinda glad that I got extended out here, because I'm afraid to go home and find out for sure that I don't love him anymore. I guess I just hope this will pass in that time. I’ve had doubts before, but never like this.

I guess what’s caused this all to came back up to the surface is a guy I used to really like and dated for about a week or two came out here. He was a really nice guy and I enjoyed his company, but he had to leave for a training course that would last for almost a year. We didn't stay in touch mostly because I thought it would be strange to email someone back and forth for a year when you only knew them for two weeks, lol. And I would have been gone to a new base by the time he came back anyways (but since I got married, I got extended). He probably felt the same way. Well, he always seems so happy to see me and anxious to talk to me, which makes me think that he still likes me. Usually when I pass someone I work with, we just say hi and keep walking. But when our paths cross, we always stop to talk. He even chased after me to talk, lol. This kinda scares me because I feel too close to temptation. I really hope that he has reservations about getting involved with a married woman. Because I don’t think I’ll be able to resist him.
I'm such a !!! What is wrong with me!!!!

[bv3qc]

well xfire,


What I think happened is really simple... you just got tired of him... And the outcome is in what you want out of this situation. On one side you can try to learn to your husband that he doesn't have to show that much attention and affection allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time... Every women likes to be charmed or rewarded once in a while and it way appreciated when it isn't planed right ?

Probably your husband is just scared to lose you because he wasn't able to keep a woman interested inhim for that long... so the only solution is to continue to do what worked best for him... I can rely to that because I tried to please someone like that in the past and she left because she liked me too much but wasn't enjoying herself like you are right now...

And about the other guy... Well you are interested because he is in someways mysterious and you want to know what you can get from him... There is nothing wrong about that at all... the only thing you have to decide is if you are willing to find the solution with your husband or you don't want to bring the issue and terminate the relationship... then you can do whatever you want to discover the other guy...

Just don't play in the back of your husband... that has the tendency to drive us nuts ;) best of luck
Phil

[chkitout]

Wow, I kind of do feel bad for you. Your husband just sounds like he doesn't have a clue on what it takes to keep a women interested and generally happy.

I've been in a situation where I didn't love the person any longer either. I actually enjoyed when she was on her you know what, because that meant I didn't have to have with her..and I'm a guy!! Go figure!

It really is tough when you're involved with someone you can't imagine ever loving again. I held off breaking it off because it was convienant and I too was scared I would never meet someone else either. She was still a fun person to be with and we had a lot of fun together but the romantic part of the relationship was no longer there and I knew it would never come back.

The point is I decided to break it off. I realized that I was dealing with a "human" and it was not fair to string anyone along. I felt really really bad :( when I knew she yearned for affection that I could not provide anymore and she deserved to go find someone that she could be happy with. I had no prospects and am actually pretty shy so I know I will be single for a long while but I still had to do it. I still do miss her very much as a friend and person though.


So my advice is first Please don't ever cheat on him! At least give him that respect. Break it off if you are absolutely positive that you no longer love him and never will in the romantic sense. You owe it to him to let him find someone that does. Sure he will be devastated buts its for his own good. He just won't realize that yet.

Hope this helps a bit, good luck. Love is a !

[Diablo]

No, you aren't a xfire. The problem is that you got married to the guy too soon. You seem to think he changed, but he didn't. You married him before you knew that much about him. However you work this out, should you become single again, do not jump into another marriage like that or you're liable to find yourself in a similar or worse situation. When you get one on the line check him out for a long time before setting an engagement. As for the current situation, no easy way out, but I suspect that if you stay married to him, you will be unhappy until you do get a divorce.

[Rich]

Xfire-

You made a mistake by getting married without really getting to know your husband and now you regret it.

He sounds like a nice guy but needs some fine tuning to give you "what you desire".

I would be opened and honest with him. Tell him basically what you told us. You'd probably best wait for your return though. You never know what he'd do to your belongings if you break up with him and you're far away. Better to do it face to face.

Tell him about your feelings. That he's a great guy but that you need more. Give him the chance to give that to you. Maybe he will be spontaneous now that he knows how important it is to you. You have nothing to lose by being honest and telling him exactly how you feel and what you're looking for. You can only lose your marriage if he can't or won't change, but you're going to lose it anyway.

If you give him the chance, then he knows where he is and won't feel blindsided.

As for the USAF. I served from 85-89 in the AF at Kadena AFB, Okinawa Japan. Where are you stationed? What do you do?

Whatever you do, don't fool around with that other guy. The UCMJ doesn't take kindly to having affairs. You could wind up dishonorably discharged, with a loss of rank, pay or do some time.

Be careful.

Rich

[eightball61]

Since she posted this thread on Feb 28, 2004 I am wondering how things in her marriage after a year? :confused: