guilt

[confusedfriend]

I don't even know if I should be posting this here. Anyway, I have known a couple for the past 10 years. Initially, when they were going out, we used to hang out a lot and everything was very casual. They loved spending time with me even though I was single. After a few years, the girl and I became extremely close and she was highly possessive of me. The guy was too, but he let me handle things in my life. He had issues with the girl getting too controlling in my life.

Soon, the girl and I started acting different when we were alone, we used to hug and she even started giving me pecks on the cheek and hands. This was progressing for about a year. It kind of became an understanding between us that we won't get too close for comfort when her boyfriend( my friend) was around.

The girl and I has no secrets and used to tell each other everything. We used to discuss too. One day, we started talking about the female body and she asked me to touch her breasts. I hesitated, but she said she didn't mind and it was no big deal. So, I was kinda ok with the idea and touched her. The whole event had no impact on us.

Soon, we had to move to different cities and all three if us were in different cities for 6-7 months. Things between them were steady. We met up for a vacation and were hanging out. The girl and I were on the bed and my friend (the guy) was sleeping on the floor. We were watching a movie and it late at night. The girl and I had a habit of rubbing each other on the hands, neck and tummy. Till then, it was not a big deal.

I got carried away that day and after a while, started fondling her breasts. She didn't resist and didn't do anything. After a while, she started rubbing me all over. I touched her all over and she almost touched "me".

This went on for about an hour. We stopped and then she went and slept next to her boyfriend. The next day, they had gone to work and I was at home. I was feeling a sense of shame and guilt. When she came back alone, she told me we shouldn't have done it and she wants to forget it as it was not right.

Things were smooth for a year and we used to meet often. Then , the same thing happened, but this time, I didn't initiate it. We were lying to next to each other and she started rubbing me on my stomach and chest. I didn't react for a while and then she took my hand and put it on her stomach. I was rubbing her for a while and then she took and my hand and placed it on her breasts. I slowly removed my hand as I knew it was not right. She took my hand again and this time, I couldn't resist. We were fondling each other for a while.

The next day, neither of us mentioned it and I left. We've been meeting each other for a 4 years now. The incidents were not repeated. We have been talking to each other like we used to before. It's like nothing ever happened. She got married to him and they even have a kid now. I am still very close to them.

Initially, I thought time will make us forget everything. Of late, I've been thinking about her a lot, in a ual way. I've been overcome by guilt. But, I am not able to control what I feel.

I am totally confused about this. I don't want a future for just me and the girl. I'd like be normal as if nothing happened. But, I want to know what she feels because, I've been thinking it's my fault and I am the one to blame. I don't know if she thinks about this, she certainly acts as if she doesn't.

I was wondering if it might be a good idea to talk to her about this, but I don't want any problems due to this. But, I am not able to forget and move on.

Someone help me!

I want a unrelated person's opinion. Was she ually attracted to me? or was it just a moment of lust? Should I do something about this? or should I just forget it and move on? How do I avoid thinking about her?

[eightball61]

Are you male or female ?

Either way though my opinion is still the same. This could have been the spur of the moment kind of thing but I doubt it if she aloud you to touch her breast on more than one occasion. It hasn't happened in a while but things are now different because she smartened up and realized it was a wrong thing to do.

You have been accepted as a friend to them and you shouldn't have gone beyond that. It is her faault as much as yours for allowing this to happen. This is all in the past though and should be just left be at what is was.

You are feeling this way because you want more to happen ual between both of you. You don't a relationship but you just want to expierence more from that tease. You know it would be wrong if you were to take things further unless she would be single. You can talk to her if you like about the matter and try to seek closure but it may not help out the friendship at all between you all.

Its going to be hard to forget what happened but thats what you have to do if you want things to be the way they were. Its always going to be wierd hanging or talking to her like you mentioned it is now but if you want thing to be the way they were then you need to just drop it and accept her as a friend and nothing more. You need to respect the friendship terms and not go beyond that again. If you find it to hard to forget and move one and then just move on all together and take this as a lessoned learned and start new friends elsewhere.

[confusedfriend]

Thanks. I am Male. I forgot to add this bit. I don't know if it's relevant. She has fought with me many times over girls who show interest or flirt with me. For a 2 year period when all the incidents occured, I was interested in a close friend of hers.

All though she said she was happy that I was interested in her friend and hoped it would work out for me, she used to feel sad when I started giving more attention to the girl I liked. My friend has told me many times she will always have a problem with girls in my life.

Due to this, I don't talk to her much about other women. Whenever I mention a new girl's name, I sense the change on her mood and I try to change the topic.

I wonder if all this has anything to do with what is going on!

[eightball61]

Due to this, I don't talk to her much about other women. Whenever I mention a new girl's name, I sense the change on her mood and I try to change the topic.

!


It shouldn't matter to her nor you on what you think of other girls. She has a boyfriend and her mind belongs there. You are a friend that is no longer going to cross that boundry. If she is going to act like this then she doesn't belong into that relationship but thats not your call. Your call at this time is to do whats right. The right thing to do is keep everything on the friendship way.

You have nothing to discuss with her. You have discussed it before and all agreed it was a mistake. Now its time to take it and learn from it. If you feel you can't be a friend to her because of the mixed emotions then move on but the only way to make it right is to try to forget about it and act like a friend but I will tell you that will be hard to do....especially with her boyfriend around!!!

You both crossed the boundry and he would be hurt to find out. Its her call to tell him though and be faithful. As a friend you ruined that path as well as her. This is what makes it so hard to be around them and not get over what happen. I think its best that you all just part ways...but thats my opinion..

[smackie9]

That is a strange relationship. You said he is just as possessive as she is.Hmmmm. I'm no pervert, but I think she's running a wished fantasy of a 3-way with you and her hubby in her head during those private moments with you. This just may become a reality down the road.

[confusedfriend]

When I said he is just as possessive as she is, I didn't mean it in any particular sense. He is a very good friend and likes to hang out with me. He prefers me over the people.

My dilemma is if I decide not to tlak to her about this, I should also stop thinking about her. This is beyond my control. The main reason I've been thinking about talking to her is, I want to know what she feels. Does she think about this?

I've been avoding this situation for a long time and it's getting worse. I fantasise about us a lot and this has led me to live with a feeling of guilt.

[eightball61]

Its hard to control the mind of thoughts. The human mind eventually does mind way to work things out or seek closure within but takes time. I fear that talking to her again will only light the fuel more. You can just get up and leave and forget it. You have left and now you need to do things to try to get your mind off from it. If you feel you need to let some things out then buy a journal and write in it. What happened between you both was wrong and in the past. She told you that she just wanted to move on from it and thats what you need to do.

Its hard and I know how you feel about not getting the proper closure but sometimes not going back is a better thing. Its your choice to go back and talk to her but to me its better off not to so the fire doesn't get sparked again. She is in a relationship and now trying to move on from a mistake and not trying to go back to it. If she needed more talking with you then she would have approached you. You need to live with the mistake and move on. We all make mistakes that we like to go back and change but we don't live a life of the "Butterfly Effect" and can't change the past.

[Rich]

You guys have a ual attraction for each other and some deeper friendship feelings.

I admire both of your will power to not let it go further when you were both feeling each other up. That's amazing.

I guess if you are consumed with getting answers to your questions, then what you must do is to ask her. Call her when you know that your friend isn't around and just come out and ask her what she feels inside about you. About when you were lying next to each other and feeling each other up. Ask her why she wanted to do that.

Let her know that you're not going to do anything stupid like tell her husband, but that you're just confused about what happened between you and your feelings over the incidents. That you're working through trying to see what or what doesn't exist between you two.

You had mentioned that you guys used to talk about anything and everything, so this should not be a big deal.

See what she says as to why she did what she did.

Who knows, maybe it was a way of experiencing a fantasy of cheating, without really cheating (at least in her head anyway) because you were friends. If that's the case then chalk it up to cheap thrills.

Rich

[smackie9]

Like the other's have said. You are a guy with ual feelings. I don't think there's a future with this woman, she's married with kids now. If you are thinking of having an affair, things will just get messy. Keep her as a fantasy and move on. I don't think you should let this control your life.

[confusedfriend]

I don't understand why she is so resistant to the idea of an other girl in my life. If she wants to move on, why doesn't she let me move on. She's had a problem with me talking about any girl . I have tried to make her understand that I will have other women in my life and I would expect her to accept the women in my life.

The more I think of it, the more confusing it gets. There is always an undercurrent of ual tension between us. In my weak moments, I just want to take it to the next level. But then, I come to my senses and end up in a dilemma.

I don't want to lose out on the friendship. It's just not done after 10 years. I know that she won't talk about this to her husband.

Sometimes, I get a feeling, talking would be the best option to ease my pain. I have a strong feeling, she is going to put it in perspective and make it easy for me to forget.

[Datingcritic]

I've actually been in the ballpark situation of the close relationship between the girl and I as "Friends", there wasn't the complication of the bf/husband... There were times that things seemingly wanted to progress, but then it was just a platonic relationship.. So I thought... But the same parellels between feeling jealousy, and changing topics.. I mean it seems easy to assess now, but your situation adds a whole new dynamic of uneasyness.

I may be against the grain here, but I have to say despite friendship being as strong as it is, you may have to find the crossroads soon between crossing "that line" of discussing it, and just distancing the friendship, between either/both of them, which is equally as tough an option...

You're ultimately the one who knows the situation in full ... just curious as to your "gut" feeling... Your story has been a bit around the board as you've given us all the details from different times and angles, but what is your "Gut" telling you on this one at this moment?

Lance


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[eightball61]

Sometimes, I get a feeling, talking would be the best option to ease my pain. I have a strong feeling, she is going to put it in perspective and make it easy for me to forget.


You know the situation and her better than we do. Its your opinion on approaching her or not with the idea of trying to seek closure. You have to remember though that all she wanted from the last talk was to forget about what happened and move on. Sure you still want the friendship and you should carry that on but be aware what you approach her with so you don't ruin the friendship that you all have. If you feel she will comfort you then talk to her but I have seen more often times that comfort of this sort gets to soaked in and you get more confused than before and emotionally drained by the whole thing. To me its the past and I ould just let the past be but its your call man....

[confusedfriend]

Gut feeling!
dont talk.because losing the friendship is not worth it...

thanks for all the advice...its good to get a unrelated person's opinion..

i have decided to take it slow...give myself one year to forget and move on..if i still have this confusion in me..i will probably talk to her after that time..

Thanks Again

[eightball61]

Gut feeling!
dont talk.because losing the friendship is not worth it...




Thats what I am trying to point out because she has pointed out to you that she does wants to move on from it. If you bring it up then you stand the chance of bringing up something that can cause a huge leak to the friendship. Keep up with the idea that you have about moving on and anytime you need to vent or let lose then buy a journal to write in and also come here. :)

[Datingcritic]

I agree with the gut call, and eightball.. I think if you "gut" the situation has called for silence, then it's the best thing... now you can learn to deal with it on your terms... You bring something up, and you can never go back... It's not like the confidence of "taking a chance" with a person you've never met.. this is a very close set of friends that you want to keep...

I have to ask what is everyone doing at this moment that the messages are posting at such a fast and furious pace. Myself I'm pretending to work... Great forum... Seems like a great bunch of people..

Lance


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[eightball61]

I value the chance at taking risk in life but there are just some risk you shouldn't take. Its all matter of opinion on situations like this one and my gut would tell me leave the situation at rest like the girl wanted and with this done nothing will escalade to a bigger problem that will seperate this friendship. Its pretty bad to think that this alone could have ruined things but it didn't. If it was to get out in the open though then it will ruin things and thats why I believe its best to leave it at rest so that potential cause for the relationship to fail doesn't happen....



ps i am at work also

[confusedfriend]

I have one more concern. What if we don't talk about it at all and we end up hanging out together. I will be visiting them shortly and since the girl stays home and the guy will be at work, I don't know if past situations might be repeated. What do I do if it happens again or she initiates it?

Should I just stop it or confront her about it? What if it leads to more? Will I be able to stop myself and her?

If such a situation arises, I would be left with no option other than talk to her. And if I talk to her, I don't want to make her feel bad and blame herself. I fear this because she might just decide to cut the friendship with me.

[eightball61]

I will be visiting them shortly and since the girl stays home and the guy will be at work, I don't know if past situations might be repeated. .


Its a thing called "Respect" and "Control".

It will only happen again if you allow it to and if you are afraid of it happening again then see her in a public place or not until he gets home. If she says something about why you won't come over when he's gone then tell her why. All you are trying to do is respect the relationship. If you or her can't respect it then you dont belong in this friendship and she dont belong in the relationship.

She has stated to you before it was a mistake and she doesn't want it to happen again. If I recall you mentioned it hasn't happened in a long time which has me thinking she may be over that stage. That may not be the case though and we can't rule anything out but if you go there and only be a friend then nothing will happen. Its take two to make it happen and if so then it be your fault as much as hers. YOU CAN CONTROL YOURSELF IF YOU WANTED TO.

[confusedfriend]

I am going to be visiting them for a few days. I have been avoiding a visit for a while and now I have to visit them. So, I am bound to spending time with her when he's off to work.

If things come to a head, I have to confront her.

[eightball61]

Just keep in mind what I stated in my last post and if you like it as a guide or reminder then print it out...

The thing I dont understand is if you have a feeling something may happen then why go to put yourself in that situation? Think about this one really hard......I know they are friends but you both have already crossed over that boundry so what are you all now???