Violaine
11-04-2009, 09:44 PM
Dear RF: Violaine needs you to evaluate an email he sent*. Italicized sentences are statements made by her. Any input would be appreciated.
Background:
Jeanette is married to David, but she doesn't love David. She is in love with Violaine. So Jeanette cheated on David with Violaine and now that David has found out about it, Jeanette wants to expel Violaine under the guise that she doesn't love him. In the following email, Jeanette lists her "reasons" for the abrupt breakup and the subsequent turmoil, and Violaine tries to respond to them with ample clarity.
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I know you are hurting.
"Hurt" is an understatement. I feel crushed and betrayed. That isn't to say that I've never done anything to hurt you, but the events that are transpiring (given what I imagine about your situation) leaves me in a state of helpless despair. I've said alot of mean and unempathetic things to people I love, but I have never, ever, even once said this:
But, I am not going to be there for you.
One thing about me is that I do not want to hate people that I love. That hurts more than anything and brings out the monstrosity that you witnessed last week. I am always there when I love someone, and I know that you love me.
Please move ahead with the person that you know you can be because of me.
I am not going to "move on" from you. You can act like Kanika, but I am not going to treat you the way I treated her. I'm going to continue to love you, and to make myself available for a relationship with you. You are not going to leave me broken and hurt like she did. I won't allow it. I might not have total control over this situation, but the one thing I can control is whether or not I love you. And I do love you.
I am not in love with you Violaine.
You are in love with me. I'm not going to take your word for it because past evidence betrays your statement. You cannot choose who to love and not love. If you can do this, then you are not in love at all. Love is guided by principle, not emotion. A human being cannot stop loving someone unless they never loved them to begin with. Given the fact that you stated that you've never loved David and the fact that you are now stating that you do not love me, one can only deduce that you simply cannot love. But I am not going to follow that logic because I am not going to start with or accept the premise that you do not love me. Our history does not support your statement.
To pretend to be that way is wrong.
Now you wish to take a moral stance on this? You want to bring up principles? Let me remind you of a few moral absolutes:
Marrying someone that you do not love is wrong.
Cheating on that person is wrong.
Divorcing that person is wrong.
Selfishness is wrong.
This is but a small list of the moral absolutes that you have violated. So it is beyond inconsistent for you to to appeal to morality now. I should remind you that
pretending to be morally consistent in spite of opposing evidence is wrong.
I needed someone and you were there.
No I was not. You are fabricating history. I was not there when you needed me. I was with someone else when you needed me and I hated you because I thought that you were a complete idiot. The truth is that you were, in fact, there for me when I needed someone. And as much as I did not deserve that, you taught me the importance of maintaining character, personal integrity, and following the fundamental principles of unconditional love. This is evidence that you love me, and it does not support the statement you now assert, which is, that you do not love me.
Thank you for that.
This is what I should be telling you. I was not there for you when you really needed me. I only returned when I needed someone. And you were there. I can only reciprocate the love that you have shown me by returning that love, which is what I decided to do at the beginning of this year. Now I am returning it in full, regardless of whether you want to be left alone, you think I'm an idiot, and you want nothing to do with me. You can thank me later.
I won't call you tonight. I don't know when I will call you.
I implore you to explain why. This is inconsistent with your character. You are confrontational. You wish to make amends with those you care about. Please explain this inconsistency.
Please seek professional help.
1. I am taking 3 different antidepressants.
2. I have and still do attend AA meetings.
3. I am seeing a psychologist 1-3 times a month.
4. Instead of committing suicide, which I was very close to doing, I chose to check myself into a mental health clinic so that I could work things out without distractions.
Any questions? I remind you that I am insured by the government. I can only afford so much professional help at this time.
I care about you very much.
This I believe. It is perhaps the most accurate statement you have made in this email. This is consistent with what I have come to know about Jeanette.
I shouldn't have been misleading you these past few weeks, but I was trying to get you to realize for yourself that this relationship was going to end.
Ending a relationship is a choice. It is not left to fate. It is not beyond our control. Love isn't like a light switch, unfortunately. You cannot stop loving someone and expect that person to stop loving and desiring a relationship with you. You, of all people, should know that. I'm not stupid. I try to be proactive. If I knew the relationship was in jepordy, which I did, I would try my best to resolve the problem that is causing it, which I did. Communication is the key, and I continued to request it as often as I could because I knew that it was the only thing that would save our relationship. You, however, did not put forth much effort at all, which is what I sensed. It is as if you succumbed to some sort of unchangeable fate. You brought me into this with your love, and you are not going to take me out of this at your whim. I am a person, not a robot. I am able to reason and so are you. This isn't Desperate Housewives, this is reality. So I implore you to act like a human being and reason with me on this matter, that our relationship might be saved.
I know you are taking this very hard.
That is an understatement. You imagine that this breakup is like any other, which is why you resort to scripted statements that you do not mean and statements that do not apply to this situation. Quit the dramatics and reason with me. Our situation is very different and we should treat it as such instead of resorting to scripted break-up language as if this is like any other relationship.
I will not answer the phone when you call. I will not answer your texts messages.
Once more, I request a reason as to why this has to be the case. This is wholly inconsistent with the character I have come to know. I did this to you, but I eventually took your words to heart and opened up communication. The results were positive. Why would you refuse to do the same when you were the one who continued to request that we communicate before? Had I asked you why you wanted to communicate with me when I did not wish the same, I imagine you would have explained it. Now I wish that you would explain this dramatic turn of character.
The voicemails you left for me and the ones that you left for David were...inconceivable.
Granted. I am sorry for that. I felt betrayed. I was not sane at that moment because of the circumstances. That is why I checked myself in the next evening, because I did not want to say or do things in a fit of insanity that went directly against my own principles as a human being. I am sorry Jeanette. I don't know how I can make it up to you. Checking myself in was something of a self-punishment for what I did. I spent 3 days in what can best be called a hospital jail because I was guilty of doing things that were inconceivable.
I couldn't believe you would do that.
Granted. I couldn't and still cannot believe that you could break up with me as you have. That was beyond my natural ability to imagine, Jeanette. Even when I broke up with you because we were not communicating as frequently as we should have been, I came back 3 days later and confronted the situation to the best of my ability. That is the human thing to do. What you are doing now is something else and I can rightfully say that, given our history and the things that you have said with regard to your love for me, this seperation that we are experiencing is never something that I imagined you would initiate.
*This post exceeds the character count by 3000 characters, so I'm going to continue it in another post as necessary.
Background:
Jeanette is married to David, but she doesn't love David. She is in love with Violaine. So Jeanette cheated on David with Violaine and now that David has found out about it, Jeanette wants to expel Violaine under the guise that she doesn't love him. In the following email, Jeanette lists her "reasons" for the abrupt breakup and the subsequent turmoil, and Violaine tries to respond to them with ample clarity.
--------------------
I know you are hurting.
"Hurt" is an understatement. I feel crushed and betrayed. That isn't to say that I've never done anything to hurt you, but the events that are transpiring (given what I imagine about your situation) leaves me in a state of helpless despair. I've said alot of mean and unempathetic things to people I love, but I have never, ever, even once said this:
But, I am not going to be there for you.
One thing about me is that I do not want to hate people that I love. That hurts more than anything and brings out the monstrosity that you witnessed last week. I am always there when I love someone, and I know that you love me.
Please move ahead with the person that you know you can be because of me.
I am not going to "move on" from you. You can act like Kanika, but I am not going to treat you the way I treated her. I'm going to continue to love you, and to make myself available for a relationship with you. You are not going to leave me broken and hurt like she did. I won't allow it. I might not have total control over this situation, but the one thing I can control is whether or not I love you. And I do love you.
I am not in love with you Violaine.
You are in love with me. I'm not going to take your word for it because past evidence betrays your statement. You cannot choose who to love and not love. If you can do this, then you are not in love at all. Love is guided by principle, not emotion. A human being cannot stop loving someone unless they never loved them to begin with. Given the fact that you stated that you've never loved David and the fact that you are now stating that you do not love me, one can only deduce that you simply cannot love. But I am not going to follow that logic because I am not going to start with or accept the premise that you do not love me. Our history does not support your statement.
To pretend to be that way is wrong.
Now you wish to take a moral stance on this? You want to bring up principles? Let me remind you of a few moral absolutes:
Marrying someone that you do not love is wrong.
Cheating on that person is wrong.
Divorcing that person is wrong.
Selfishness is wrong.
This is but a small list of the moral absolutes that you have violated. So it is beyond inconsistent for you to to appeal to morality now. I should remind you that
pretending to be morally consistent in spite of opposing evidence is wrong.
I needed someone and you were there.
No I was not. You are fabricating history. I was not there when you needed me. I was with someone else when you needed me and I hated you because I thought that you were a complete idiot. The truth is that you were, in fact, there for me when I needed someone. And as much as I did not deserve that, you taught me the importance of maintaining character, personal integrity, and following the fundamental principles of unconditional love. This is evidence that you love me, and it does not support the statement you now assert, which is, that you do not love me.
Thank you for that.
This is what I should be telling you. I was not there for you when you really needed me. I only returned when I needed someone. And you were there. I can only reciprocate the love that you have shown me by returning that love, which is what I decided to do at the beginning of this year. Now I am returning it in full, regardless of whether you want to be left alone, you think I'm an idiot, and you want nothing to do with me. You can thank me later.
I won't call you tonight. I don't know when I will call you.
I implore you to explain why. This is inconsistent with your character. You are confrontational. You wish to make amends with those you care about. Please explain this inconsistency.
Please seek professional help.
1. I am taking 3 different antidepressants.
2. I have and still do attend AA meetings.
3. I am seeing a psychologist 1-3 times a month.
4. Instead of committing suicide, which I was very close to doing, I chose to check myself into a mental health clinic so that I could work things out without distractions.
Any questions? I remind you that I am insured by the government. I can only afford so much professional help at this time.
I care about you very much.
This I believe. It is perhaps the most accurate statement you have made in this email. This is consistent with what I have come to know about Jeanette.
I shouldn't have been misleading you these past few weeks, but I was trying to get you to realize for yourself that this relationship was going to end.
Ending a relationship is a choice. It is not left to fate. It is not beyond our control. Love isn't like a light switch, unfortunately. You cannot stop loving someone and expect that person to stop loving and desiring a relationship with you. You, of all people, should know that. I'm not stupid. I try to be proactive. If I knew the relationship was in jepordy, which I did, I would try my best to resolve the problem that is causing it, which I did. Communication is the key, and I continued to request it as often as I could because I knew that it was the only thing that would save our relationship. You, however, did not put forth much effort at all, which is what I sensed. It is as if you succumbed to some sort of unchangeable fate. You brought me into this with your love, and you are not going to take me out of this at your whim. I am a person, not a robot. I am able to reason and so are you. This isn't Desperate Housewives, this is reality. So I implore you to act like a human being and reason with me on this matter, that our relationship might be saved.
I know you are taking this very hard.
That is an understatement. You imagine that this breakup is like any other, which is why you resort to scripted statements that you do not mean and statements that do not apply to this situation. Quit the dramatics and reason with me. Our situation is very different and we should treat it as such instead of resorting to scripted break-up language as if this is like any other relationship.
I will not answer the phone when you call. I will not answer your texts messages.
Once more, I request a reason as to why this has to be the case. This is wholly inconsistent with the character I have come to know. I did this to you, but I eventually took your words to heart and opened up communication. The results were positive. Why would you refuse to do the same when you were the one who continued to request that we communicate before? Had I asked you why you wanted to communicate with me when I did not wish the same, I imagine you would have explained it. Now I wish that you would explain this dramatic turn of character.
The voicemails you left for me and the ones that you left for David were...inconceivable.
Granted. I am sorry for that. I felt betrayed. I was not sane at that moment because of the circumstances. That is why I checked myself in the next evening, because I did not want to say or do things in a fit of insanity that went directly against my own principles as a human being. I am sorry Jeanette. I don't know how I can make it up to you. Checking myself in was something of a self-punishment for what I did. I spent 3 days in what can best be called a hospital jail because I was guilty of doing things that were inconceivable.
I couldn't believe you would do that.
Granted. I couldn't and still cannot believe that you could break up with me as you have. That was beyond my natural ability to imagine, Jeanette. Even when I broke up with you because we were not communicating as frequently as we should have been, I came back 3 days later and confronted the situation to the best of my ability. That is the human thing to do. What you are doing now is something else and I can rightfully say that, given our history and the things that you have said with regard to your love for me, this seperation that we are experiencing is never something that I imagined you would initiate.
*This post exceeds the character count by 3000 characters, so I'm going to continue it in another post as necessary.