brittini
11-05-2009, 08:18 PM
I am looking for some advice. I have been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years now. I was 17 when this started, and my boyfriend is 4 years older than me. I don’t think that he was fully over his ex girlfriend when we first got together, and that used to bother me a lot. His friends didn’t help the situation because they were still friends with her and would talk about her non stop. She even tried to befriend me on facebook, which I denied because I have never met her and I figure that she only got my name from one of their mutual friends. I have moved on from that now though and I do honestly believe that he got ver her within a few months of our relationship. Also, another girl who he had slept with 6 months prior to us getting together continued to call, text, and email him. I brushed it off at first because he claimed that he did not respond to her except to tell her that she needed to stop contacting him because he was in a relationship. This girl is so obsessive because she was very young (younger than he had known) when they had (only one time though) and he was her first. Anyways, 3 1/2 years later and this girl is still obsessed although she has calmed down a bit. She has spread rumors about me in the past (despite the fact that she does not know me and has never met or even seen me) and even showed up to his house once (where she has never been and only got his address from a mutual friend). His friends certainly do not help the situation by trying to befriend this girl. I have since found out that she used to myspace message him quite a bit (although he did show me some of them once in the begining of our relationship). He said that he would message her back to answer her casual questions until we were actually offcially in a relationship, at which point he told her to leave him alone and deleted his myspace.I have recently found out that she sent him 3 pictures of herself about a month after we were going out. I didn't find out until 3 years later. He also lied to me about texting her once to try and get informaton out of her about someone who was trying to put him in jail for something in his past. I was pissed when I found out that he initiated it. She has written things on her myspace and facebook about how she will always love him, and how he was her first and taught her so many things (although they only knew eachother for maybe 2 or 3 month span). I used to be very jealous and insecure about all of this. He finally changed his number a year ago after I told him that that was one way to begin fixing the problem. He didn't cage it until about a month or a month and a half after this discussion. I have gotten to the point of getting over the jealousy because I have become so used to it and because, in the past, I feared that he secretly wanted to be with her, but after I found out a lot about the situation, I have now come to the conclusion that he probably never even cared much for her if at all, and he only slept with her to try and get over his ex girlfriend who he was still very much attached to. Anyways, I now believe that this girl probably has some unstable mental issues because I am a girl too and I know that it is easy to cling to someone who you would have sworn you were meant to be with because you are too young to know any better, but 3 1/2 years later and this girl still would like nothing better but to be with him. I stayed here instead of going off to college because despite these problems, I thought that this is what I wanted. Now I don’t know anymore. I am really not very happy most of the time (although I blame some of it on my ADD medication – Adderall). When we got together, he was a partyer, and I was too so I liked that about him a lot. He has really become very unmotivated (he got his GED right before I met him and has since been taking classes at a community college, but only about 3 a semester and he doesn’t work because his mom pays for everything, even his house). He doesn’t seem to enjoy doing anything except smoke up with his friends that love doing that, and then they all play video games. I have gotten so bored and I have told him so many times. He also want me to be at his house at a decent time (like 7 or 8 o’clock) almost every night. I have told him that I don’t want to come over to watch video games. I mean, seriously. He is very insecure (although I certainly used to be too) and can be rather jealous, although he would never hit me. I have gotten into the biggest university in the state twice now, and this time, I am really thinking about going. It is a great university, it is hard to get into, and it is a lot of people. I also really want to do some growing up and get out on my own (I still live at home). I think that he may want me to move in with him but I think that that would be such a mistake. I can’t be around that situation 24/7. I feel guilty if I leave to go to the big university, but I feel so excited at the same time. One of my best friends is at that school now, so I think I would have a lot of fun. I also feel like my social life is totally lacking. I am the only one of my friends who stayed behind after high school graduation, and I haven’t had the opportunity to meet new people since. I feel socially deprived by this point, and I am really a very outgoing and social person normally. I am actually really depressed about my social life, or lack thereof. I recently discovered that the obsessive girl is moving to a close neighborhood to my boyfriends this next semester which is odd because she is not that familiar with the area and there are a lot of other places to live that are much closer to the college she attends. In a way, I wonder if she will just show up at his house, especially after she finds out that I am away at school (the university is an hour and a half drive from here), or if one of his friends will bring her over. I guess that if her were to cheat on me though, that would be that and I would for sure be done. Sometimes I am so ready to end this and welcome myself back to life, but other times (like when we’re cuddling) I think “no, we can make this work, we’ve been together for so long and I’ve almost grown up with him”. I just feel so stuck and unsure of what I want to do with this relationship. I really want to go to the big university this coming spring semester, and I have mentioned it to him. My biggest problems with the relationship is for one, the obsessive girl that just doesn’t seem to let go, and two, the boringness, and three, the total lack of motivation on my boyfriends part. He never studies or does all of his homework – and it reflects on his grades. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and I don't even know if he cares sometimes. I think that we could always be friends, but I just don’t know about boyfriend and girlfriend. I know that this is a stupid reason to hang on, but I sometimes think, what if I left and then the obssesive girl finaly ogt her way? And I would have handed it to her, after all that she has tried to do. That would be the best thing that could happen to her in her eyes. It just bugs me. Everytime I think of the whle situation I just want to give up because it's like I will never know for sure what has happened in the past (like the first 2 years of our relationship) and I don't understand hwy this girl has not given up, except that she was so young when they slept together and that he was her first. He was my first too, but I don't feel that attached becasue of it! I like having a boyfriend, although I wouldn’t mind being single for a little while just to rediscover myself and detach myself from this relationship so that I could commit myself to another if it came along. That is my other problem, I am usually considered an attractive girl by people I know or by people that I meet. But what alot of guys who consider me attractive don’t know, and what my boyfriend does know, is that I have a surgical scar down my chest and ribcage. I also have some unevenness to my hips due to scoliosis. I just worry that no guy will want me for anything more than a fling because I have these ‘flaws’ and most people don’t have them. I am just so confused! Sorry for the lengthy read, I am just trying to describe the situation as accurate as possible in case anyone wants to offer some advice! And I would greatly appreciate that!