Very confused

[Confused 1989]

Please do not judge me because I have no where else to go, to ask for this advice. I am going to try to make this long story, as short as possible. I dated a guy from the time I was 14, until a month before my 17th birthday. He was my everything. We broke up due to the fact that I felt like we were just going in separate directions, but I really did not think it would be a permanent break. This was not like a normal teenage relationship. I pretty much lived with him since day one because my mother abused and neglected me. He was my everything. When I was 15, social services actually had to take me away, but we remained boyfriend and girlfriend through everything. Anyways when we broke up, I just needed time for my self. I was getting ready to start college and had a new foster mom and I just needed to adjust.

About a month later I met my foster moms nephew and he was pretty much a rebound. I was feeling very alone and instead of returning my ex's boyfriends phone calls, I chose to go on dates with this new person. I really liked this new person, but I knew there was not the same chemistry as my ex and I had. Anyways fast forward to now. That guy and I actually ended up getting married a month after my 17th birthday because I got pregnant. He fell madly in love with me and I've learned to love him over the last, almost three years, of our marriage.

Everything has been going great. I mean I took on a role of being a super mom, 1950's type house wife and have pretended to be happy. I mean I am happy, but I am not truly happy. I always have he nagging feeling in the back of my mind that he is not the person I am supposed to be with. My sons father was supposed to be my ex. The reason I say this is because since I lost my virginity to my ex, we hardly ever used protection, but for some reason I never got pregnant. I guess that is why I did not use protection with my current husband. I truly did not think I could get pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. He is the most amazing husband and the GREATEST father. He has taken really good care of my son and I. I have been blessed to stay home and go back to school. We are not rich or anything by any means, but we bought a house together a little over a year ago, two reliable cars and we are able to spend a little. I am very good at budgeting, so we can thank my self for this great lifestyle we have. My husband was more of a spender before he met me.

My husband actually joined the army national guard in August and left for training September 23rd. I have been a very faithful wife. I write to him every single day. Hold the fort down, pay bills and just live for him I guess you could say. I do not have a family because I moved here from Ukraine with my mom and she left to go back to Ukraine when I was 15. So the only family I had was my ex's family. I LOVED his family and they loved me. I get along with my husbands family, but they are just different. They are a very mixed bunch. There are a lot of two faced people, and than there are some who think their sh*t doesn't stink, type of people. I am not like them at all and neither is my husband. We are both very honest, loyal, laid back and not gossipy types at all. We keep our noses to our selves.

Now comes my dilemma... My ex boyfriend found me through myspace about a month before my husband left for training. He gave me his number and told me to call him please. I wrote the number down, but never called. I recently decided to call him. I don't know know why. I guess it was just a mixture of being lonely from my husband not being here and not getting along with his family. I just wanted to not be alone. So we agreed to meet him for dinner.

Last night we met for dinner and the very first time I laid my eyes on him, I could feel my self falling in love again. I was feeling a dozen emotions that I haven't felt in years. I felt like he woke me up again. Dinner was great. It just felt so natural. He loved my son and we talked non stop about memories. Then we went for a walk and did some shopping. Then it was time to go back to our cars. I put my son in his car seat and gave my ex a hug and we just couldn't let go. I didn't want to let him go because I wasn't sure if I could handle not seeing him again. I knew in my heart that this was wrong and I could not agree to meet him again.

We ended up just holding each other, crying and talking for three and a half hours, standing in the cold, outside of my car. We wanted to kiss, but we didn't. I could not do that to my husband. I knew just being this close to my ex was wrong in it self. I told my husband this was one thing he did not have to worry about. I would never cheat on him and would tell him before anything ever happens. Last night just felt so wrong, but so right.

Now I am so very much confused. Do I stay with my husband and live a "happy" and stable life. I can't break our family up. We have a life together and a son together. There is too much involved in our marriage and it is not simple at all. I got my green card through this marriage. (And no I did not marry my husband because of a green card. I was already in the process of getting one when I was in the system, but had to stop once we got married. It actually complicated things a lot when we got married, but I was finally able to get it). My husband is so very much in love with me. I was my husbands first love and first "everything". I am to him, what my ex and I are to each other. I could never break my husbands heart. He has such a loving and big heart.

Or do I tell my husband how I am feeling and take sometime for my self to think about this... I mean I know if that happens, I will go back to my ex's arms and things will never be the same. I will fall really hard and not want to leave. He just makes me feel so alive. We had a very passionate and intense relationship. Not intense in a bad way. I am just in tears over this.

On top of this, I am going to my husbands graduation states away in less than a month. I know he is going to want to make love and I don't know if I can let my self go. I mean I don't think I have ever let my self go with him, but I have at least been able to give my self to him. He wants to have another baby with me, but I am not so sure now. I don't know if I can do this when I do not even know how my life with end up. If I say no, he will for sure know something is wrong.

Please I need some insight from a stranger. :(

[Rich]

The heart wants what the heart wants.

If you stay in your marriage, it won't truly be a great marriage. It'll be a hollow shell which is not fair to your husband or child.

You're going to crush your husbands heart, but you're not here on earth to live your husbands life, you're here to live your own and make your own happiness.

Before you do leave though, and you know that you are going to leave, you really need to make sure that it'll work out between you and your ex. There will be issues that will carry over from this marriage to the next, like child visitation, hurt feelings from your husband that will carry over to wanting to make your life miserable and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Leaving your husband and being with this other guy is not going to be the fairly tale with love ever after. Can this other guy support you? Does he have issues? Will there be issues with his family and your marriage to him.

Life isn't always greener on the other side.

It's all pointless though. If you truly loved your husband then you wouldn't have met up for dinner with your ex. All that you did was to give was excuses (not wanting to be lonely) that are a crock of crap. You wanted to see him again and feel those feelings. Try being honest with yourself and us. If you want us to be honest with you, then be honest with us. You knew what was going to happen and you made the decision to go anyway.

The bottom line is that your heart is with your ex and not your husband or this marriage. You know what you want to do, so just do it already as it's never going to be easy breaking someones heart.

[PrincessB]

You're dealing with a very new situation when it comes to mid-life crisis. You are not a 40 year old bald man looking for a 19 year old 2nd wife and candy apple red sports car; but you may as well be.

How old are you? And you're holding onto a man you dated when you were how old? You're holding onto a simpler time in your life when there was innocence and an idealistic perception of love. There was a tumultuous time in your past you haven't gotten over and you need to seek professional help rather than destroy your family fabric before making any big decisions.

Marriage is not something to take lightly no matter your reasons for exchanging vows. You made a promise for better or worse and today's lower standards of self-indulgence are no excuse for breaking such solemn promises. Your personal happiness is not the most important thing in life. Life doesn't always go as you expect or desire. What is your word worth anyways?

So some guy from your past steps back into your life after all these years and gives you butterflies. He won't be the first or the last. Make sure the man you destroy the lives of your kids and husband for is worth it.

[Transcendental]

I don't mean to be judgmental, but if your kid would not have been there that night, then you must have slept or surely kissed this guy..... Keep away from him.

Its difficult to understand why at that tender age of play girls get involved in what they feel is "love". Your mother wasn't nice to you and so you felt that this guy is filling up that void when. You were FOURTEEN !!! I am 34 and am still trying to understand what love and marriage is all about !!!!

But I do know that at 14 and given your circumstance, you were NOT in love. Forget that guy. You know have a FAMILY. If you would not have had any children, then things would have been simpler. But now, your husband and your kid are your world. You say that he is a very good husband, the both of you have made your house a home.... think about the implications of this on your child. Don't you want to give your child which you have obviously lacked? The love of MOM and DAD?

Life is full of twists and turns my friend, some pleasant, some not.