Heart broken and need some help! :(

[heartbrokenagen]

Hi

My name is david and i am heart broken, and i would like some help, if anyone has any! this is quite long so please have patience and take the time to read it as these are my feelings, and i appreciate the fact that anyone would take the time to read them! thanks!

I met my girlfriend (ex :() at my friend and her cousins wedding a year and 8 months ago!, we hit it off straight away, and we fell in love and done everything together, i moved to university 2 months into our relationship and we stayed together and she visited during the week and at weekends when she was off work!, we had a great relationship, had fun all the time and she took me on holiday last june for 21st birthday, we flew on my birthday and it was such an amazing time!, about a month ago, we started going out to a local club on saturday nights with my friends and his girlfriend and some other friends, we were having such a great time time together she told me how much she loved me and she would love to be with me for the rest of her life! and i said the same and i meant it!

The past week i know there was something wring with her as she was being distant, but she kep saying she was fine, but i asked her again in the next few days and she told me what was wrong, it hit me so hard!, she said that she doesnt know what her feelings are towards me anymore, she doesnt know if she is in love with me just wants to be freinds!! obviously i got upset and i cried! we started talking and she said we will not break up untill she sorts her feelings out so this made me happy and we watched a film and snuggled up and stuff!, this was monday, then the wednesday came and she said we need to talk and she said that it wasnt fair on me that she feels this way so we should have some time apart, this was hard for me but i had to accept it, i asked her outright, does it have anything to do with anyone else and she said no! i believed her, and she kept saying there is always hope and a chance that her feelings will come back in time and, everyone kept telling me that if we are meant to be together then we will find each other!! :(

But this is where it really broke my heart:

At the same time, i found out that my friend and his girlfriend who we used to go to the club wiuth broke up aswell, i talked with his girlfriend and we kinda got suspitious, they used the same excuse (i love you as a friend), i rang my ex and asked her if our breakup had anything to do with ben, and she said yes part of it did, and he confessed to his ex aswell!

We found out that for about 3 weeks my ex and ben had been talking about there feelings for each other, nothing had happened between them so they werent cheating but they lied to us both behind our backs!

My ex said she doesnt know what she wants, if she is still in love with me or if she would like to start something with ben, this killed me because the exact same thing happened to me 2 years ago and ben was involved then and i had only just started to fogive him for it and he has done it again!

She saus she still loves me but isnt sure if she is in love with me or not!, for some reason i can hate her for this as i know as good as anyone else that you cannot help feelings!

But i just dont understand how she could hurt me like this, specially when i told her about what happend to me before and she said she would never hurt me! :( but in the long run she has done exactly the same, i dont know how she could do this to me and her friend, and i dontkow how ben can do this to his girlfriend and me!

Surely they must know they are hurting us both and they should know that nothing should become of them if they do not want to hurt us even more, they just seem to be thnking of themselves and it hurts so bad!

I really want her back as i am very much still in love with her and ide have her back in a heartbeat, i just hope in time she will realise that it would be stupid to throw away our 1 year and 8 month relationship over some small feelings she has had for a few weeks! The thing i dont get is, is that we have always had happy times, we have never had a major arguement and our relationship has always been healthy and even very intimate, we were only intimate last week when i saw her, i dont understand why she would do this with me if her feelings werent there for me, as she is not the kind of person to use anyone! she is one of the most kind and gentle people i have ever met and she would not mean to hurt anyone i know she wouldnt, i just hope that ben is not swaying her feelings away from me, but on the other hand she has a mind of her own and i dont think she would be forced into anything!

Can anyone please help me into what i can do, or if there is anything i can do other than wait and see where her true feelings lie?

thanks for listning, a very heart broken 21 year old! :(

[eightball61]

But i just dont understand how she could hurt me like this, specially when i told her about what happend to me before and she said she would never hurt me!:(

This is a big part to why you are hurting. In high school I dodn't date much. A few girls I did get really interested and heavey with my heart got broken. A few years latter I did meet a wonderful girl and we hit things off rahter nicely and still together today. With that little example I am trying to point out to you that this isn't the end of the world.

We all go through heart breaks as you witnessed and may witness again. The goal is to see that its not the end of the world and you will be able to move on. Things just take time and time is what you will have to give it. Don't beat yourself up to much over this. She did do the right thing though and end it. She was sharing feeligns with someone else and it could have led into more but it didn't. She did a hard but mature thing at the right time.

[heartbrokenagen]

Thanks for repliying so quick!

I know it is not the end of the world, but it feels like it right now!, its the fact that i found out she knew that my friend ben and his girlfriend had split up the same day and she failed to mention this to me, probably because if she did tell me she would feel guilty inside, and i may have clicked on as to what was happening, and another thing that hurts is that if i didnt speak to his girlfriend we would never have knew, how long was it going to go on for before they told us, thats what hurts, and the fact that they had been discussing it with phone calls and text messages behind our backs for 3 weeks!, if she loved me as much as she said she did she would have instantly told me if she started having feelings for someone, but she didnt have it in her to tell me that our break-up was slightly caused by her feelings for my friend!

I just feel like the most unlucky person right now, specially because the exact same thing happened to me again, in the exact same week in march when it happened 2 years ago, if she had the heart she could have told me earlier so this wasnt the case, i just dont think she has realised how much she has hurt me! and i still hope over time she will realise that i am the one for her, but i am not prepared to wait forever for her, i would like to but it would be too hard for me to do that and she cant expect me too!

I just hope she realises before anything happens with my friend, and realises how much she hurt me and broke my heart and will hopefully come back!

But i do in a way thank her for breaking it up with me before anything did happen between them because it would have been even harder than it already is (if thats possible) for me if they had infact cheated on us!

Do things like this happen alot? and does anyone know if anything good ever comes from it? like it could be a test of our love for each other or something like that?

[eightball61]

Do things like this happen alot?


Good question....& honestly I don't know. I mean there are a lot of people in the world and I am sure it does happen but not often enough for you to hear about it. In your case though you have to handle it the way you would and not by others. There is advice that you can take that I have given you but you are your own person and you make your own move.

The thing that I find low is that she was sneaking behind your back expressing feelings to your friend. If this guy is such a close friend then he would respect the friendship terms and not cross it by trying to get at another friends girl. This whole cirlce of friends doesn't seem like a good choice to me and I hope you see the same. You could get him back by trying to date his ex but leave it to rest. You would have never guessed that this would have happened and its not your fault so dont ever think about blaming yourself for it.

What you need to do is get out of this little cirlce of friends. Its sucks really bad because you have a friend and thats someone who you trust and expects to be honest with you. This whole thing kind of ruined that. Don't start thinking all people are like this. So when you get in a new group try to trust them equally and dont base them on the past. You just hit a bad crowd and now its time to jump ship and see whats else is bigger and better your you out there.

[heartbrokenagen]

The thing is, is that ben's girlfriend has a very low self esteem, going out with ben made her feel more attractive, now they have split up i just hope she doesnt do anything stupid!

I told myself i would try my best to look after her as much as i can!, as for getting my own back and going out with her, i couldnt do that, she is a very good friend to me and nothing more, plus unlike ben and my ex i dont look at my friends that way!!

God i miss her soo much!, we are seeing each other tomorrow as she is coming to my house to pick up some of her stuff, i jst dont know how to react, i dont wanna seem like i am begging her to come back to me, but i know for a fact i am going to get upset and cry! thats because i love her so much.

Do you think me keep telling her how much i love and miss her will help her feelings for me come back? or will only time apart make her realise? I sent her a text message this morning and she hasnt replied to it! i dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, she could be thinking about me, and doesnt want to reply because she misses me or she could just not be replying because she wants nothing else to do with me, but when we broke up she told me never to stop texting or calling her when i want to!!

[eightball61]

My opinion is not going to change. She has brokenup with you and you have to now click your mind into reality that things are over. She can only come back to you with open heart but no she is comeing by to pick stuff up tomorrow. Why dont you save your breath and just sip a cup of coffe as she goes through things or you can just put her stuff in a bag and leave it outside.

You have to face the fact that its over dude and she wants space. Just as a helpful hint....If you keep onto her and dont leave her alone then she can come around with harast on you and/or all you will do is annoy her and push her away. I am sure this is the last thing you want to do so its best you just leave it.

I can't help you out totally on how to deal with this because it comes from within you. What I can help you out with is try to guide you in a direction on not making a stupid mistake....

Also, when I mentioned about your friends ex. I didn't really mean for you to date her. It was all a joke. To me the best thing is you just leave this little circle thing. The way I see it the friendship is all dead anyway. I mean I am sure your friends ex will not stick around and you are not gonna want to stick around while your so-called friend and ex is passing the moves on each other.

You have to accept what has happened. I know you are confused right now but please allow my words to sink in your head so you can get the hint on whats really happening here. I am only trying to look out for you so you dont get hurt worse.

[heartbrokenagen]

I know you mean, well and thanks for the kind words!

Its just really hard for me to take right now, i know i should move on, and not dwell on the past, as people keep saying to me, there are more fish in the sea, i just hoped i had found that fish, as i thought she was different and we were perfect for each other, i will always have hope that she will come back to me, but like i said i am not willing to sit around and wait forever!

As for the friend thing, i cant just leave my so called friends ex, as she is a family friend and i would never just desert her, i will try and be there for her because she is going through the exact same thing as me at the minute so we have only really got each other to talk to and help each other through it, she lets me know if anything between them has proceeded and i tell her, as my ex and my so called friend probably dont know that we are sharing information! hopefully this will get us through it!

There isnt even any evidence that anything will become of them both, as we know for a fact that nothng has happened between them, as we made them promise and we demended the truth from them both, hopefully they will realise how stupid they are being and how much they have hurt people, not just us, but family aswell and come to there senses and realise that we are perfect for each other! but as i said i am not prepared to wait forever!

It will take me a long time to get over deborah, my love for her is still incredibly strong, people keep telling me that for what they have done to me and leanne i should hate her, but for some reason i just cannot hate her, probably down to the fact that i love, care and miss her so much!

[eightball61]

I wasn't telling you to ditch the friend's ex but I was aiming more to your ex and your friend. Now, if they promise nothing is going on then play it out and be a friend with them. I will say having her around will make things that much uncomfortable for you. If they did have something going on though I am willing to bet they wouldn't tell you right off anyway...this would be something you would hear from a source or see visual stuff such as flirts and touches.

Its not an easy thing to get over and I am with you on that one. Pretty much everyone that you may meet here or on the street has a story to tell about a harsh breakup but as you will see they have moved on from it. So with all that said, its not the end of the world and all I am trying to do is guide you in a better direction where you will get over things faster. Think about this on; if you still hang, try to talk to her, or get gossip about her its only going to take that much longer to actually get over her....Its all up to you on how to approach this but faster is what you want...

[heartbrokenagen]

I decided that i wasnt going to see her today, we had it planned for her to come through to my house where i live with my student friends for her to pick all of her stuff up today,

But i woke up this morning and i decided that i was not upto seeing her just yet, i sent her a text message saying something along the lines of:

"As much as i want to see you again, i just think im not ready yet, as i keep thinking that next time i see you everything will be ok between us and ben will be forgotten and i dont want to get my hopes up, you know that i am still in love with you and will be for a long time, and the break-up was not my fault so it is upto you to come to me and tell me that you love me, you know where i am if you want to come through anytime and tell me, or call or text me!, we had some great times together and i hope that one day we can continue and complete all of the plans we had together for the future, remember not seeing you today is not because i hate you, because i never could, its the complete opposite, love you lots "

And she replied with the following:

"Hey sweetie, its ok about not wanting to see me today, i understand, remember you will be the first to know if my feelings change "

The i replied with the following:

"Hey sweetie, (Said this because she said it to me first) hope something changes soon, as you know how much im hurting, its you who needs to tell me you love me as you know i already do, miss you (Couldnt help putting tht in there, its hard for me to not put it in there!) luv u "

Is this thing a good thing that happened or bad? im not getting my hopes up about it but the question i ask is this, why would she still call me sweetie if her feelings for me were not there within her somewhere?

Im gonna try my best to get mad with her but i just cant, people keep telling me that the anger will come after the love for her starts to dissapear, but i know my love for her will never dissapear anytime soon! i should hate fer for what she has done to me but i just cant! im trying to get over her but i cant do that either, nobody can expect me to get over her straight away, if i did then i wouldnt have a heart!

Me and ben's ex leanne and some friends were going to go out for a drink tonight to drown our sorrows, but we decided against it, because i am at home with my parents at the minute for an easter holiday, and all of deborah's things are in my student house where we normally all get together and have a good drink in before we go out, and because i decided against seeing deborah today all of her stuff is still in the house and it will just bring back to many memories for me, and having some drinks with all of that stuff around will just make me depressed! plus the club we were gonna go to is the same place we always used to go to and we have friends there and if they see us all coming in without ben and deborah then they are going to be asking us where they are and this will make us upset aswell! I think i made the right choice here!

My sister lives in manchester, like 5 hours away by coach to where i live now and she has invited me down to her house for a few days to take my mind of things, do you think this break will do me any good? i think it will but at the same time im not sure, as me and deborah stayed there over new year and i dont know if this will also bring memories back, but on the other hand i have more memories here at home than i do there?

[eightball61]

Again, you are trying to read to much into her. She is the one that broke it off and needed the space to figure things out. You did a good adult thing this morning by making that decision on not seeing her today. Don't let words fool you in the texts. You are going to kid yourself way to much if you play into her words. If she responds sweetie it doesn't mean you have to back or add that into a text back to her.

[heartbrokenagen]

I know mate, im just hurting so much right now, that i cant help myself from feeling like there is hope there when she says things like that!

Her cousin James just rang me, we have been friends for years even before i met deborah, and he says that all of his family are on my side, they cant believe what she has done to me, and they didnt think she was like that! they said that i am one of the nicest people they have ever met and know that i would never hurt anyone and never do anything wrong, and that it is her loss if she cant realise what she has done and lost if she keeps acting this way! This has made me a little happier today as i never thought her family would be against her!, i know that if they did say anything to her it is not going to sway her mind in anyway because the only person who can realise is herself! but it was really nice of them to say those things about me all the same!

Even deborah's mam, dad and sister told me that they think the world of me and hope everything sorts itself out!, all of there kind words are making me feel better but worse at the same time, because i get on with her whole family so well and it hurts not seeing them either! they have always been there for me and looked after me when my parents havnt!

[eightball61]

When people talk about it it can make it worse because its bring you back to it. If you dont want to hear it then say that so you can help yourself move on. I mean this is part of life...some relationships work and some don't. Breakups natuarally happen and her family has to accept what she done and not be choosing sides because she is doing what she thinks is best for her. I am not taking her nor you side to this. My goal is to guide you in the right direction and path to heal and move on.

[heartbrokenagen]

I know that they shouldnt be choosing sides, i didnt ask them to, but it is still a relief to me as at least i know that her family know that she has been stupid and is making a mistake, i know she is only doing what is right for her, but she should at least think about the people she is hurting around her, because in my opinion only doing what makes herself happy after we have shared our lifes together for so long is abit selfish! :(

[eightball61]

They may think its a mistake but again it was her decision..

[heartbrokenagen]

I know mate! thanks for the help,

I just hope it all sorts itself out soon, as she knows how much i love her and i am here for her if her feelings should change, as i know for a fact that my feelings for her will be in me for a very long time as i cannot just switch them off!, i wish i could but if i could switch feelings off like that then i wouldnt have a heart!

[bdtraders]

Just know that you were there for her and everyone knows that, if she comes around cool and take it a step at a time from there. if she dosent then know that you did the best you could. Yes it will hurt loosing someone so important to you, we all have had people in our lives that we loved so much and have lost, but even though she may seem like the one that is meant for you, maybe there is someone even better out there for you.
Trust in god and he will guide you. If we place god in the center of our hearts above everyone else he will guide us to hapiness. ( Hope you dont feel like I am preaching, just through everything I have been through with my GF and still going through, I have found the best person I can turn to is God)

[eightball61]

I am not asking you to switch off your feeling but you do need to realize this is what she wants and you can't change her mind either.

[heartbrokenagen]

I heard the worst ever news today, i didnt think this could get any worse!!

I got a call of ben's ex leanne and she told me that deborah and ben started a relationship on friday!, we broke up webnesday from nearly 2 year relationship, found out it was partly to do with ben on thrusday and find out they started going out on friday!!

Thats not the worst part!! they have already said that they love each other!!!!, how the hell do you got from a relationship of nearly 2 years to having some feeling for someone over the past couple of weeks, to starting a realtionship 2 days after breaking up, to telling them you love them???

Has every time she said she loved me not really been true or am i missing something here? nobody can turn feelings on and off like that! can they?? it doesnt seem humanly possible to me! :(

But it just really hurts that when we broke up she said that she could never start a realtionship with anyone else anytime soon as she needs time to get over our breakup first, but 2 days later blatantly lie and start a relationship!! im just so upset right now, i didnt think she was like this, and he was over her house to meet her parents on saturday! do these two have no feelings for anyone else at all other than themselves, how can they not sit there feelings guilty for what they have done to me and leanne, all my friends found out and they have lost so many friends by doing this, so i dont seem how it could ever last between them, all they have in common are me, leanne and my friends, now they havebt got me, leanne or my friends as my friends WERE there friends, all they have are each other, and everything they think about is going to involve me, leanne or our friends, if they break up they are going to have nobody, only themselves!

I just wish they wernt being so selfish and thought about other aswell as themselves! :(

But why do i still love her, i should hate her for this, but i just cant hate her, i still love her!??? im hurting so much right now! has everything been lies?! :(

[eightball61]

Like I stated before in an arlier ost but I said that I wouldn't doubt they may be having a thing behind your back. The good thing out of this is that you found this out now rather than latter when you were about over her because that would have brought the feelings back.

It does suck but "shit happens" like it says in the old saying. You know know that there isn't ging to be anything else between you both. What you need to do is just move away from it all. That shows that he is not a true friend and there is nopoit in trying to keep a friendship going. It hurts and will for some time but you need to take a ste foward rather than try to seek all the gossip. If you do that then you will neer move on and it will just hurt more. You now know you need to work for yourself and see whats better out there in the world for you.

[zanshin2005]

Hey Homie,

I've been browsing these forums a while, but this post made me wanna say something.

I know what u are going threw allll to well. I had a very similar incident happen to me a couple years ago. It sucks hard, I know. Long story short, she broke up with me, and it was for a former friend. :mad:

At the time, I was confused and hurt, and like you, her family was on my side. But over time, I got over it. It was like, meh, if this is what she really is like, then I don't need her anyways. (It comes in time, beleive me!)

But don't sell yourself short. Take some time to grieve, and find some productive things to do. It sounds like you still have good friends by your side, so take advantage of that! It will definately help you get threw the tough times. It's times like these that are great to make some positive changes in your life. For example, I started working out more, and got heavily involved in some serious kickboxing (great for anger management! Especially towards the ex friend!) Give it some time, and you will definately be feeling good about yourself again, and when you do, you'll see all sorts of new possibilities that are around you.

Just a side note: KHARMA! What comes around goes around, beleive me. If her and him were going behind your back to you, what do you think will happen if one of them finds someone else too? People tend to repeat actions that they are familiar with. It happened to the girl I was dating too. Now the tables were turned, and when she told me about it, I was like "Gee, thats too bad. Hope it works out for you. See ya." By that time, I was too involved with other things, that I realised that I had completely moved on. :)

Good luck man!

[heartbrokenagen]

I know that my sister has had luck on her side in her relationship but, but i just wanna know if anything good will come out of this for us both? is there no chance that her starting a new relationship so soon will make her realise how strong her feelings are for me?

I just dont understand because she was the most kindest, sweetest thing ever for the time we shared together, she took me on holiday for my birthday, helped me out when i had no cash with me being a student, and i treat her exactly like i would like to be treated myself, with respect and the love she deserved, i just dont understand how something like this can happen!

Me and leanne were weighing up the pros and cons of there relationship and from what we gathered about what we know about each of them that there relationship seems doomed from the start!, specially when there relationship has basically been forged on guilt and the hurt of other people, for one i dont know how anyone can keep a relationship going based on these factors, and like i said, all they have now are each other, if they break up they will have noone!, i just hope she realises soon!

I know this is what i really needed to hear for me to start moving on and trying to make my love for here dissapear, but i still know that it is not going to happen over night as i am not like them, and my feelings will be there for deborah for a very long time!

If it didnt work out between them and she did realise how much she wanted me and came to me then before i would accept her back she would need to do a few things for me, and if she wasnt willing to do them for me because of the hurt she has pout me through then i would just have to tell her that it wouldnt work between us:

1 - Both of us never ever see ben again
2 - Her to move in with me
3 - Her to move job, as they both work in the same place and if she wasnt prepared to do this then i would know why!

Those are the 3 things i would ask her to do for me and if the answer to any of them was no then it would not work! if yes then i would give it a try but it would take a hell of a long time for me to fully trust her again, or if i could again!

You all understand my situation and know that feelings for someone you have loved for so long cannot be switched off, but at least i know that the hope of us getting back together is gone so i dont have that to hang onto anymore!

I should hate her for what she done but the simple answer is, i cant!, because i love her too much, of course i want her to be happy, but i dont want her to be happy with that head ben, and her being happy is not gonna make me happy because of this, she cant expect me to be happy for her from what she has done to me! but deep down i will always love her for a very long time, and i dont know if i will be fully able to trust another girl again, i trusted deborah because you expect there to be alot of trust in a relationship, specially of nearly 2 years, so its not that i trust people to much, as you expect trust in a relationship!

[eightball61]

Me and leanne were weighing up the pros and cons of there relationship and from what we gathered about what we know about each of them that there relationship seems doomed from the start!, !



Doing things like this will only make matters worse. She has moved onto try some different with someone else. Your last thing you want to do is butt in or keep tabs on how things are going. I point this out because it will only make it harder to get over her in the long run.

It is ok to love someone but dont think that will get you back to her because it takes 2 people to love to make a relationship work. She has broken up with you and did something that you never would have liked happened but this is the reality of life and you have to accept it rather than hide from it. Hiding will only make matters worse for you.

Its hard to lose a friend and GF in the same week but they did this to themselves. Now if things didn't work out then they lose out all together on a great friend which is you. Its going to be hard to deal with but the process of moving on is excepting what happened here. I know it takes time and you mind will sort this out but keeping tabs on thier relationship will not help and thats what I am trying to point out. I hope this all makes sense to you and we are here anytime :)


p.s.

zanshin2005 I want to thank you for adding your example to this post. As you saw its hard to have something like that happen right beneath your eyes but you seem to get out of it ok...again thank you and it was well worth putting into this thread.

[heartbrokenagen]

I know that keeping tabs on them is gonna make things worse but im just hurting so much right now,and it is really really hard for me not to be thinking of anything else at the minute other then deborah and what she is doing!

I know she will still have feelings for me and will still love me somewhere deep inside her heart, but she just probably isnt ready to show it yet, or she may be scared about what i will say if she ever did come back and tell me she made a mistake, i know that everyone makes mistakes once i there lives, like i said before if she wants me she knows where i am and she has my number and stuff, so it is upto her to come back to me if she truly does want me and realises that what she is doing at the minute is a mistake or a phase she is going through to realise how much she does really love me or doesnt love me!

I also know for a fact that no human can just go from a 2 year relationship and switch the feelings off one day, they will always be there they just have to realise it in time! in time she might think to herself that she made the right choice or she might think she made the wrong choice!

Nobody knows what time will tell, there is no saying we could not be together again in a month, a year or a couple of years, but i have decided that i am not just going to sit around and wait, im gonna go out with my friends and have a good time leading the single life for a while untill something comes along or if anything happens!, as ive never been able to lead the single life as i have always been in a relationship, you never know i might be in another relationship if deborah ever comes to me and tells me she still loves me and i might be in the situation where i can hurt her and say im not interested!

I do still love her and i always will for a very long time like i said as ive never loved anyone this much in my life and i have had 3 long term relationships, and i got over the 2 in time so i know i can again! but i know my love for her will not die anytime soon, its upto her to come to me if she does realise one day that she does truly love and want me! but on the other hand i dont want her to be scared about ever telling me this, how can i let her know somehow that i dont want her to be scared about telling me if her feelings do come back??

I was thinking about packing her stuff away into a bag, and putting a letter in there, not a letter spilling my heart out about how much i love her but just kind of a small note telling her not to be scared if her feelings come back and that i want to know? Is this a good idea and if not how else could i do this as i really want her to know?

Thanks all for listning and you have all been a great help to me, a special thanks to eightball61 for the quick replies and being there for me!

[eightball61]

You loving her so much is whats making it hard for you to let go. I am not telling you to stop loving her. My goal is to guide you what may be the best for you and keeping tabs on this situation is not going to help you out much. You need to just take a break from it all and try to it work something out for yourself.

She may still have some feelings for you but you can't count opn that. You don't know for sure how she really feels about you. What she feels at this time is she's not in the need for a relationship with you and her heart is somewhere's else. You can't keep hope when there is no hope there. Right now this is how things stand and you need to see the true reality of it all.

Hanging on may not be beneficial to anything. She did a cruel thing to go behind you back to date your friend. I know you love her but is this the kind of hurt you want to stick to?

[heartbrokenagen]

I understand what you mean but i just cant switch off like that, i really really do wish i could as i know that loving her so much isnt helping anything, but i cant help my love and feelings! :(

I know she did a cruel thing and thats why i am trying not to hang onto anything, its just gonna take time! your right that i might not be the one she wants right now and there may be a time when she does want me but like i said im not willing to put my life on hold, i know i shouldnt but thats probably all im gonna feel like doing for a long time.

The way i feel at the minute is that if i cant have deborah in my life then i am not willing to give my heart away to anyone else again soon or in the near future, it just hurts that i gave her my heart and in the end she rejected it for someone who i know will hurt her as i know he cheated on 2 of his previous girlfriends and messed one of them around, but she has chosen that life and only her can find out, i dont want her to get hurt but in the end she will!

So you think its a bad idea to add some sort of little note in with her stuff? i just want her to know? or should she already know?

[eightball61]

The way i feel at the minute is that if i cant have deborah in my life then i am not willing to give my heart away to anyone else again soon or in the near future,



^^ & thats because you are just not ready like she was to go out and date someone else. That is very typical to happen and you take as much time as you can until you are ready to date again.

So are you planning to write her a note? If so then what do you need to write her a note for? You won't get your answers you are looking for and if you do they will be more hurtful and its going to make you feel like crap more. Also a note will not bring her back...I say this because I dont want you to get that in your head.

[2BDMD]

OK, do not cry, do not tell her you miss her, do not text her, do not call her, do not see her, do not do anything to let her know that you're still around her little pinky!

Listen, here are the facts:
1) she didn't physically cheat on you, but she sure did emotionally! Heck, she' was already with Ben before she called it off with you. That's BS! 3 weeks of emotional cheating!
2) you being sappy and sad will not earn you "man" points. Ladies don't like that. You're not a puppy and your puppy eyes won't do the trick here.
3) she knew that you were hurt before by Ben Dover and she did that to you too. Man, I could smack that biotch if I were you, Shoot, I kick Ben Dover's ass while I'm at it

Listen dude, I know you're hurt, but the fact is she's not worth it. Let me share with you my story and what my ex did to me. A great example of how women say "I love you" and do things that complete contradict that statement. My ex of 6 years and we have two beautiful children together have decided to try a LDR since I was leaving for dental school (sort of like you leaving for school). We agreed to do just one year LDR and then her and the children will move down so we can do this whole family thing (marriage, blah, blah, blah..).

Oh, we say "I love you"s all the time, phone , "I miss you"s, blah, blah, blah..you know the whole act. 4 months into our LDR, only 4 months after I left, she hooked up with one of her guy friends, and told me that she wants to be with him over fcuking X-mas! A week later, she proceeds to tell me that she'll be moving in with him with the children! I was like "what, ok, whatever?!" A week after that, she tells me that she was pregnant by him! A week after that, she tells me that she's getting married to this guy! So basically I had roughly 4 weeks to digest all this amazing news from I had a LDR GF of 6 years, the mother of my two children, we're going to get married to she's with another guy, pregnant, and getting married!

Talk about heartbrokened, couldn't think or feel and plus I was in dental school (very rigorous curriculum the first year)! You see, she side blinded me, I had no idea that was coming. We said "I love you"s and all that sappy crap. Now look at me, I have this amazing new GF, I'm happy as hell, doing well in school, there are always other doors opening for you when old doors close.

My advice for you, yes, go be sad for awhile, but freaking stand up like a man! Don't let her know that you're sad anymore. If she did this kind of stuff to you, then most likely she will do it again in the future if you two are back together! Get over her, it's hard to do, it's hard to hear, but it's necessary. Besides, why do you want a girl that pick some guy over you? You desire better than that! Believe me, there is a girl out there will treat you with more respect than what you old GF has shown.

Go be sad, then be a man and accept your defeat. A much more beautiful and y and considerate girl out there awaits. Plus, you're 21, you will have plenty more chances at love!

To get things off your mind, may I suggest the following:
1) join a fraternity
2) join a intermural sports team
3) start working out if you haven't yet
4) do go out with Leanne and other friends
5) join a fraternity (social and meet ladies)

Ditch Ben Dover, wait, you already knew that! Good luck and I know you'll be fine. :thumbup:

[heartbrokenagen]

I was going to write her a note just to let her know never to be scared to let me know if her feelings change or if she has made a mistake, because i wouldnt want her sitting at home if she realised she had made a mistake and being too scared to tell me about it because she might think i will be too mad with her to listen, thats all i want her to know, just not to be scared!

[eightball61]

Right now she feels she made no mistake because she is dating someone else. You can't determine if she made a mistake for her. I believe the note will be useless and I wouldn't waste my time writing something that can cause more potential hurt to yourself.

[heartbrokenagen]

Yeah i suppose your right!, thanks also for your kind words 2BDMD, that must have been hard for you, and look you have a new girlfriend and are having a great time!

The thing is, is that the same thing happened to me twice and i thought i would have learnt the first time, i wasnt expecting the same thing to happen to me again, i keep asking why me?, because i never do anything wrong in a relationship, i treat the person how i would want to be treat with love and respect, but it happens to me again! same sort of time period aswell, both laster nearly 2 years, is this gonna happen to me again? i hope not because i dont know how much heartbreak i can take! i keep thinking, is it something ive done that drove them away? but then i look back and realise i havent done anything, but its still hard for me to understand how this happens to me, specially when i treat them so well?

So people say its not your fault, but if it keeps happening to me, then it must be my fault somehow? or it is just that i am meeting the wrong people? it all seems so nice for a long period of time, having the time of our lives, going on holiday, doing everything together to them doing the dirty on me! why does it always happen to nice people? im not bigging myself up or anything but i just dont understand how she could choose such a knobhead over me as everyone says a perfect gent who wouldnt harm anyone? even my ex's say this during our relationships, do all women just get to a point in a relationship where they want to be with someone who will treat them like shit? :(

[eightball61]

So people say its not your fault, but if it keeps happening to me, then it must be my fault somehow?


Whats your fault? Are you saying all you past GF's have gone to all your friends like this situation?

If you are refering to just breakups in general you have to realize that breakups are natural and they happen. I have been hurt twice before I started dating my girlfriend. Many other people go through a lot more breakups than I did to find thier right one. The point I am trying to get at is breakups happen all the time and you have to learn the reality of it and know its not the end of the world. You will go through a few relationships to find the right girl to fit you..... so its a normal thing but very heartbraking as you see.

[heartbrokenagen]

I have had 3 major long term girlfriends, all laster around the 2 year mark, Two of them just over the 2 year mark and the latest one just under (1 year 8 month)!

The first when i was 16 - 17, we had a great time, she was my next door neighours friend and we went to the same school, everything was fine and then she went out with friends one night, got drunk and she kissed from what i have heard 7 other people in one night! i was absolutly shocked, so che cheated on me, i tried to forgive her but it never felt right since then so about a month after that i broke up with her!

The second, was when i just turned 18, lasted just over 2 years and ended in march (the same time as the latest one), we were going great, had lots of fun, i met her in a club when i was with my next door neightbour i mentioned before, they went to college together, then i found out after we started going out that she was my friends cousin from my class in college! he didnt really know her much! i thought this was wierd! :), we got engaged just over a year into the relationship, i wasnt really ready for this because she was a kind of persuasive person so i went through with it and we were happy, then about a year after we broke up, she had changed, she got a new job and started meeting new people, she denied the fact she had changed but everyone could tell, including her parents, we tried to be friends, but it didnt work out because we decided to meet up with each other 2 months after we broke up and on the night she got the phone number off one of my friends, he wasnt really a lose friend but a friend all the same, this upset me and is why i am upset now because the same thing has happened to me again, but instead of 2 months after we broke up it was 2 days with what i thought was a close friend! :(

I met deborah on July 19th at my friend james's sister wedding, we hit it off straight away, i stayed over her house the same night, nothing happened though, i stayed on the floor, the next day was awkward as i went for a dinner with her family, we decided to start going out with each other on that day, her family accepted me and everything was great between us! untill what happened! (Above in all the other posts)

Everyone keeps saying its not my fault and i havent done nothing wrong, i know i havent, but because it has happened like this, one cheating on me, and 2 of them starting relationships with my friends, that i must be doing something wrong? i know im not but it just seems that way, specially because all of this has happened to me in the space of just under 6 years! :(

I just wish that i would have some luck for a change, i always seem to get the bad luck, nothing like this has happened to any of my friends, thats why i feel this way, fair enough they have broke up with girlfriends but for other reasons to mine, i know the right person is out there for me, everyone says that, but i just thought deb was different as she treated me different to the other 2 ex G/F's and i gave her my heart but it turns out she doesnt want it anymore, and its hard, its a big step when you give your heart to someone, as you have got to the stage in the relationship where you trust them enough not to break it, and then they do! :(

I love being in love, but it can also be the worst feeling in the world when the other person decided they dont love you anymore!

[eightball61]

Ok so you had one that had a change in careers and wanted to do things for herself, another that cheated on you, and another that left you for your friend......hmmmmmm :confused:

I really don't see any connection here except for a normal concept called "breaking up". You can't blame youreself for someone cheating on you, leaving you for a friend, or had goal changes. You need to stop blaming yourself for something that is clearly not your fault.

You have to see and understand that these things happen. Blaming yourself will get you knowwheres because you will just lay in your own pity and sorrow for the longest time over nothing. Its nothing you did for the last time and you have to understand that.

[heartbrokenagen]

I know mate, ive just gotta stop blaming myself all the time!

She rang me today and we talked for an hour, which was nice! she told me that she never meant to hurt me intentionally, she knows she hurt me, and feels bad for doing so, but she said that she cant help her feelings!

I finally realised that it wasnt my fault and i told her that i am glad she is happy and she means the world to me and her being happy kinda makes me happy, and she says that it means alot to her that im glad she is happy! told her that i dont want her to get hurt as she deserves to be treat with the respect, because she is a great person and i know that i never ever treat her wrong! she says i treat her like a princess and she loves me for it!

I told her i would try my best to be friends but at the minute that is alot for me to take! but i dont not want to have her in my life in some way, i think it would hurt me even more if i never did see her again specially after we have been through so much together, but told her ti will take time but i will try my best and that i hoped she was happy with me, but we just werent meant to be, and i said you never know what the future holds and that i know there is someone out there who i be happy with! she also says that she hopes i am happy an find someone who treats me right and with the respect and love i deserve, and she is sad that she isnt the person to do that! she said she does love me but cant help her feelings, which i respect, and im glad she told me nothing but the truth today, i think it is the start for me to start moving on, well not moving on because i dont want another relationship right now but moving on from her and my feelings towards her!, its going to take a long time i know because i do still love her very much! but i know she is happy and now i have to concentrate on making myself happy! as she said its the last thing she wants is for me to sitting and moping around the house, i am in my first year of university and there are loads of people out there to meet, and i know there is but i never got a chance to meet them because i was always in a relationship!, now i can go out and have fun with my flatmates and meet new people! but she will always be in my heart for a very very long time! and she told me that she will never forget the tie we shared together as she has learnt alot, as i was the first person she ever loved and she will never forget that and me!

[eightball61]

I told her i would try my best to be friends but at the minute that is alot for me to take! !



Right...and you just need to have time away. Seeing her and talking to her will not help anything because she has moved on. You need to take care of yourself first and go with things from there. Its not going to make anything better if you sit there and talk about feelings and how sorry for the way things happened.....She feels its the right thing to do and all its doing is confusing you more and making it more rough on you.

You just need to come out and say "I need time away". Only time will tell if a friendship can be held. I can't say for sure if it will happen or not but it will be hard to maintain a friendship after what has happened here. You both will have to turn all past feelings away just to friendship status and a lot of times that is very hard do.

We won't go in to that yet because right now your main focus is to work on yourself and then go from there....Does that sound like a plan?

[heartbrokenagen]

Yeah sounds like a good plan to me!, think aboutnumber one for a change, me! :) we have sent a few messeges to each other today, she done it first so it wasnt me, she says it means alot to her that said im glad she is happy, and at the minute, i am feeling slot better about myself knowing that i said that to her, i didnt think i could but im genuinly glad that she is happy, as she means alot to me and if she is happy then that kind of makes me feel better!

I got my train tickets today to visit my sister in manchester, i go tomorrow and return on sunday, my sister, her boyfriend and her friends said they already have plans to cheer me up! im really looking forward to it, and today has been the first time i have smiled in days! in a way its all because i know she is happy and thats all i tried to do for her was make her happy and as long as she is happy then i can live with that!, i know the friend thing will be hard to do but i do really really want to try and stay friends with her, and i know it isnt going to happen over night, ide rather try and have her in my life alittle than not at all!, if i try my hardest and take some time out for myself then i think it will happen, but as i said in time!

The first girlfriend i had that i said had kissed all those people, i am friends with her and have been for years, fair enought she cheated on me but when we see each other we have a chat and see how each others lives are going, fair enought we dont meet up and have drinks or anything but we still talk when we see each other! i would love this to happen down the line with me and deborah as she means alot to me, just like all of my other girlfriends have, ide like to still talk to my ex before deborah but it is her choice as she ignores me when i see her!

Im just gonna take some time out and try and have some fun, if there is someone out there for me then im leaving the task upto them to find me for a while! :)

Thanks for all the help!, i will let you know how my short trip went when i get back! you have been a true star! and ide like to think...a friend!

[eightball61]

Im just gonna take some time out and try and have some fun, if there is someone out there for me then im leaving the task upto them to find me for a while! :)

!


Thats be the best plan to start with.... Rememeber, if you keep up these talks or visiting family memebers its not going to help because they will just bring up what happened and it will slow down the process in trying to move on. You know your situation better than we do so monitor what you think is best for recovery but please keep this thread in mind.

[Rich]

For one thing, I hope that you and Ben aren't still friends? Friends don't do what he did.

Secondly, you obviously didn't have with this girl what you thought that you had. Or I should say, the feelings were only one way and that was from you to her.

If she felt the same way about you, then she wouldn't have done what she did.

If she broke up with Ben and wanted to date you again, would you? If you say yes, then you're wrong.

IMO this girl isn't the long term one for you. If she broke up with you for another after you stated how well things were between you, then she is very superficial and shallow. She's not worth being with and you will always be worried that she will leave you again. You will become controling over her and will always want to know where she is or where she's going. You'll do this because you won't trust her. You'll mistrust, smother her and she won't like that.

And there's the key word, trust. If what you had was so great and she did what she did, how could you ever trust her again. What will happen between you when times aren't so great? And remember, times aren't always great in relationships.

IMO, as much as it hurts, this girl isn't THE one for you and you should move on. Oh, you can marry her or whatever, but it won't last.

Just tell her that what you had was great in your eyes and her leaving you for Ben was hurtful and shallow. Tell her that you could never be with her again and that you hope that she's happy with the decision that she made. Tell her that there's no coming back and that you'll offer all the love that you have to give to someone who will appreciate it.

Wish her good luck and then never speak or talk to her again.

IMO that's what you should do, but you won't.

But I stand by my prediction.

Rich

[heartbrokenagen]

Thank you for all of your help! everyone who posted i thank you!, i am in manchester at my sisters house now, returning on sunday, and i am having a great time!, I told deborah that i am glad that she is happy because thats all i ever wanted her to be was happy, and now she is happy and thats all i want, she knows i dont give her blessing about ben, but she is glad all the same that i think she is happy!, i do miss her and do love her alot, but as everyone keep talling me, im going to have to deal with it and get on with my life, i am only 21 and there are plenty of other girls out there who im sure would love to be happy with me!

Im gonna take some time out and enjoy myself, and im not going to look for another relationship, but if someone shows interest in me then i might persue it further but i myself am not going to look! i think this is the best way! i know that the perfect person is out there waiting to make me happy, they are just gonna have to find me, because i know myself that i am not a bad person, and not being big headed but im quite a good looking guy , and i would never hurt anyone!

Im going out tonight and tomorrow night with sister and some friends of ours, and we are gonna have a great time!

[seavidae]

Thank you for all of your help! everyone who posted i thank you!, i am in manchester at my sisters house now, returning on sunday, and i am having a great time!, I told deborah that i am glad that she is happy because thats all i ever wanted her to be was happy, and now she is happy and thats all i want, she knows i dont give her blessing about ben, but she is glad all the same that i think she is happy!, i do miss her and do love her alot, but as everyone keep talling me, im going to have to deal with it and get on with my life, i am only 21 and there are plenty of other girls out there who im sure would love to be happy with me!

Im gonna take some time out and enjoy myself, and im not going to look for another relationship, but if someone shows interest in me then i might persue it further but i myself am not going to look! i think this is the best way! i know that the perfect person is out there waiting to make me happy, they are just gonna have to find me, because i know myself that i am not a bad person, and not being big headed but im quite a good looking guy , and i would never hurt anyone!

Im going out tonight and tomorrow night with sister and some friends of ours, and we are gonna have a great time!

I wish you good luck! I hope you will find the girl of your dreams!

[2BDMD]

Im going out tonight and tomorrow night with sister and some friends of ours, and we are gonna have a great time!

Good for you! Be strong and work the market!

[eightball61]

Thats great to hear that you are enjoying your time. You sent your closure by wishing her luck so now its time for you to make a move to go on. You have a good start and I wish you luck so please keep us updated. ;)

[icanhelp]

its got to be hard. losing somone you love, but if its bad now there is only room to get worse

[heartbrokenagen]

Hey everyone!

Just thought i'd keep you guys updated on whats happening in my life at the minute!

I have found myself a nice girlfriend! she is called Claire! i met her when i was out with my friends! i am really happy at the minute! we have been seeing each other for round about a month now and everything is going fine! :)

As for deb, we keep in touch, we text each other every now and again to see how we are and stuff! its nice just to be able to talk to her, i still go to the same club i always used to goto woth my friends and deb and ben have been there a few times, i dont stand with them though, i say my hello's and then i go and have fun with my friends! i must admit that when i first saw them togather the first time they were out togather it did really hurt, but i had my friends with me and they got me through it!, they both have no friends now after what they both done to me and leanne, so when they go out its always just them 2 standing there, which makes me kinda laugh because they brought it on themselves! :)

I still stay in touch with her dad, as we got on together very well, we email each other and keep each other up-dated on things and i ask him to say hello to the family for me as they told me that they think the world of me and always wanna stay in touch which was nice!, i am going out with my parents and deb's parents on the 11th of june to see a local band play, im really looking forward to it because i wanna see them again and have a good old chat!

I just wanna say a really big thanks to everyone who gave me advice! you people are great and i hope that all of your lives sort themselves out and you are all happy and heartbreak free! :) if any of you would like to email me or talk on msn, then my email and msn name is wulfgars_berserk@hotmail.com

Thanks alot and take care!

David

[eightball61]

Hey David :)

Thanks for keeping us posted and I am glad to see that you have moved onto a new girlfriend. I do hope things continue in this positive direction for you & I wish you the best. Again thanks and please continue to stop by anytime.

~8ball