I need advice

[drcarlos]

Never thought I would need anything like this but over the past couple of days my life has been thrown into turmoil.
Me and my wife have been together for nearly 18 years and married for four of them. I have had situations in the past where I have questioned our relationship and even had to distance myself from a work colleague as we became too close.
Over the past few days I noticed a change in my wifes behaviour (not sleeping, eating properley and a general felling of distance). The paranoid side of me thought something was up but it wasn't until saturday night I discovered she had added her first love boyfriend on facebook.
I then became doubly suspicious and got into he email and facebook and discovered that they had been talking for only a short time but he had started to send her soppy things on private messages.
I couldn't let this go and confronted her and she spilled everything.
Basically they had only been speaking for 3 weeks and she said she still had feeling for him and possibly still loved him but it was a ridiculus thought and would never work. Fortunately they never met as he is some distance from us and married. I also spoke to his wife and she knew as much as me but wasn't aware of the information they exchanged and he had also secretly brought a mobile phone to text my wife on which she was unaware of. She was unaware of any problems in their relationship until 2 weeks ago as well.
I got a similar stories about how my wife was bored with life and had not achieved anything (2 kids and a lovely home say otherwise) and we had not been happy for a long time (news to me), she also said she needed time to sort things in her own head and decide what to do.
However I decided I could not live with any indescision and said she needed to choose and choose now, after some tear she chose us and sever all contact (facebook deletion and new phone), I took the day off work and we have had lot of cuddles and kisses and done a lot of talking and I told her about my own situation with the work colleague (nothing ever happened BTW) and how it tore me apart and she just feels the same.
We have some bedroom problems that we need to work through (we used to have a fantastic life) and I need to support her more around the house but there is still love and I believe hope.
Have I done the right thing and can we work things out? I am still a bit of a mess honestly as although I had my own doubts before I came to believe that we were meant to be together.

[Rich]

The only thing that I can tell you is that you forced her to make a decision and not let her make it. Without having a job, place to live, money in the bank, a boyfriend who is married and a life to make it on her own......do you think that she would have chose NOT to stay with you? She had no other option, so of course she chose to stay.

Who is to say that she doesn't now plot to leave you. You know, get her ducks in a row to be able to live on her own and then make a move? You don't know.

I say that there has been a lack of communication between you two. When kids come along the relationship goes on cruise control and you both fall into your roles around the house. Work, taking care of a house, raising kids and paying bills all take a toll on a love life. It just does. The trick is to recognize it and still force, or make time for just you two. You both need to keep your love alive.

You have to get a baby sitter and still make dates to go out together. Steal a weekend away at a hotel together.

Right now is a good time for both of you to be honest and have a frank discussion about your marriage. Use this "honest" period as a chance for both of your to divulge things about your marriage that you would like to improve upon (, communication, time together, etc.) Don't forget also to mention to each other the good things about your marriage as well.

The thing that bothers me though is the fact that she said that she still has feelings for this other guy. That means that you don't have 100% of her heart and that's a problem.

Husbands and wives should have 100% of each others hearts for marriages to last forever. You need to question her about that and have her be honest.

[drcarlos]

The descision took her all of about 10 seconds, she knew in her heart that it was stupid. I must add this relationship she had when she was 14! The guy I have since found out is basically a scumbag who has lied to her (his wife told me the truth, which I relayed to my wife) about lots of things and reeling out the old chestnut that their relationship has been in trouble for ages (new to his wife) and flattering my wife with just attention when she was bored at home during the day.
We had had frank and open discussions over the past two days and she has been totally honest with me and she just wants us back to normal (and any obvious improvements which we have agreed to work on)and that this has been like a bad dream.
The contact perion they actually had was less than two weeks and he only started the games early last week. It only took my wife 3 days to desend into a guilt ridden state trying to work out what to say to me, she is a lovely honest and open person and was torn apart by what was happening.
Contact has now been broken (a block on facebook and new phone, which she willingly did), she just wants nothing to do with him in any capacity any more, as the first time they went out he dumped her and broke her heart and then phoned her a year or two later to gloat that he was marrying someone else.
We do love each other and I think this is just going to turn into a big kick in the butt for both of us as the rut you mentioned was well and truly stuck in.
I truly believe that she doesn't love him but was flattered by the comments and made vunerable by his lies, he seems to me like an internet predator only one step above a peadofile.

[Rich]

Well, move on, forget about him and work on your marriage. Marriages can't be put on cruise control. Both parties always need to be doing the little things to keep the spark alive.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Buy a book and work your way through it. Try every position. One nifght she picks a page, then your turn.

Go out on dates. Grab a hotel room for the weekend. Send flowers to the house. Leave a Card on the front seat of her car so that when she leaves the house for anything she'll see it and read it. In the card just express your love for her.

After you take a shower and the mirror is fogged over, write " I LOVE YOU" on it. Then after she takes a shower and the mirror fogs up, she'll see it.

There's all types of things that you can do.

Spice it up, man. Keep it fresh.

[drcarlos]

Well it's been a number of weeks now, but things have got so much better, we talked and talked and we are now talking all the time. Our life has also improved so much and we feel like teens again.
She explianed to me that due to a number of upheavals in her life (broody for a baby, brother in hospital, parents split and MIL living with us, gran mother dying) that she was at a real low point in her life and this contact (he came along at just the worst time and must have telepathy or something) made her excited and alive again. We had problems in the bedroom too which we have totally cured and it was a big part missing from our relationship from both our points of view.
This event has made our love much stronger as when she got her answers from him (basically found out he was playing her and a liar) she broke all contact and things became clear. She says she love me totally and never had any real feelings for him at all. I really believe and so does she that it has made us stronger and given us the kick up the to re-invigorate our relationship.
We are now looking forward to a nice xmas and a fresh new year together.

[adoodle]

Never thought I would need anything like this but over the past couple of days my life has been thrown into turmoil.
Me and my wife have been together for nearly 18 years and married for four of them. I have had situations in the past where I have questioned our relationship and even had to distance myself from a work colleague as we became too close.
Over the past few days I noticed a change in my wifes behaviour (not sleeping, eating properley and a general felling of distance). The paranoid side of me thought something was up but it wasn't until saturday night I discovered she had added her first love boyfriend on facebook.
I then became doubly suspicious and got into he email and facebook and discovered that they had been talking for only a short time but he had started to send her soppy things on private messages.
I couldn't let this go and confronted her and she spilled everything.
Basically they had only been speaking for 3 weeks and she said she still had feeling for him and possibly still loved him but it was a ridiculus thought and would never work. Fortunately they never met as he is some distance from us and married. I also spoke to his wife and she knew as much as me but wasn't aware of the information they exchanged and he had also secretly brought a mobile phone to text my wife on which she was unaware of. She was unaware of any problems in their relationship until 2 weeks ago as well.
I got a similar stories about how my wife was bored with life and had not achieved anything (2 kids and a lovely home say otherwise) and we had not been happy for a long time (news to me), she also said she needed time to sort things in her own head and decide what to do.
However I decided I could not live with any indescision and said she needed to choose and choose now, after some tear she chose us and sever all contact (facebook deletion and new phone), I took the day off work and we have had lot of cuddles and kisses and done a lot of talking and I told her about my own situation with the work colleague (nothing ever happened BTW) and how it tore me apart and she just feels the same.
We have some bedroom problems that we need to work through (we used to have a fantastic life) and I need to support her more around the house but there is still love and I believe hope.
Have I done the right thing and can we work things out? I am still a bit of a mess honestly as although I had my own doubts before I came to believe that we were meant to be together.


wow, that she cheated and because she was bored in life? how lame !!!
and what a thing to do. TO me cheating means its over and I do not beleive it can be fixed to repair that abuse of trust. In the future she may get bored again and become one of those people with a secret life.
Personally I could never feel I was meant to be with someone who betrayed my trust and cheated because she was bored with life !
Your job is to love and cherish your woman, not entertain her and she dsounds very immature. If it were me, I'd be packing my bags and telling her
to find someone else to cheat on.
I suspect from the reason she cheated ( bored with life) that she will cheat a lot. I wouldnt waste my time with such a person.

[adoodle]

sectertly bought a mobile phone?
and thinks she is still in love with him?

oh my !!!.... thats pretty bad !!! If my husband did that he would find his bags
on the porch because it would be over !

[nickyQ]

Bless.18years marrige,if you two give up.it is so hurt