Cheating Wife - What To Do???

[cowboyfan]

Sorry in advance for longwinded first post, just looking for ANY advice out there that may help...

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, together for 12. Throughout our relationship we've had issues with intimacy, she brought a lot of baggage to the relationship and she shuts down ually, which I've coped with over the years because she's worth it.

Fast forward to the last 6-8 months. For the first time in my life I've begun to feel some form of depression, I'm guessing caused somewhat due to work stress, finances, kids' problems, and probably relationship issues. I've regressed a little and the wife and I rarely communicate. Combine that with a night job she's got now and we really created a recipe to grow apart.

Anyway, a few weeks ago at work she sends me a picture of herself in some lingerie I had bought her a long time ago (7 years ago to be exact). It's very unlike her, but I was obliviously happy about it and greeted her new interest in me. She became very aggressive in the bedroom (again not like her) but communication didn't improve and I began to suspect something. I finally confronted her about it last week, and after some prodding she admitted she had been having a relationship with an ex-boyfriend. She says they engaged in 'online ', phone , and she's sent him many pics of herself (the one she sent me was a mistake).

So I'm past my initial anger, but can't stop thinking about this. I'm pretty sure it didn't get physical with them, but also feel pretty sure it would have if he lived closer. We've talked a lot since then, but I just don't have the confidence she's giving me the whole story. She attributes this fling to him giving her something more aggressive ually than I have given in the past, and now that I know more what her speed is (after 12 years?!!!) that shouldn't be an issue. But what IS an issue is why this started in the first place...I don't believe it started as something ual, but that she was looking for something more out of a relationship. I'm going to keep talking it through with her to try to 'figure it out', but does anyone have any suggestions on how to address and get some honest feedback? :confused:

[smackie9]

This is what so happens with neglect in a marriage. We get busy with our responsibilities we leave the passion and desires that we had for each other behind. She doesn't want to be greeted by a husband that is dragged down by a tough days work, and with a lack of initiating any interests. She wants spark, passion, thrill. Women are terrible about communicating this...they end up feeling that you can't figure it out then screw it, go somewhere else where it's fresh and forbidden. It starts with an emotional affair out of loneliness, then it turns into something physical. This marriage is salvageable. You both need couples counseling to work through these issues and learn to understand each other with better communication.

[eightball61]

I agree with smackie. If you both decide to work on what was lost counseling is the way to go.

[mykidsmom2]

I also agree with smackie. However, Are these things you can get past? Can you move forward and not look back at these things and carry no judgement of her into your future together? Because if you do, that alone will eat away at you more than what you're experiencing now.
I truly wish you the best and hope your wife realizes how much you love her.

[TraceyLee36]

Cheating is cheating..she is looking for something else. Whether its the internet or phone or whatever..it is cheating. Ask yourself these questions..
Would you live with what she has done?
Are you always going to be suspicious?
What are your morals and values on this kind of situation, is it in your own nature to cheat?
You really need to look at how you would treat another person and do not epect anything less than what you are worth

Good Luck

[Astro]

I feel for you and agree with all the above too. Couples counselling might help and it will be better if you have forgiven her indiscretions (not easy, I'll give you that!).

Meanwhile (I apologise for the rawness that's coming!) if you have it in you I'd suggest one day you come back from work, don't say a word, bang her (nicely but firmly) against the wall straight away, wisper in her ear that you've been thinking about doing XWZ to her all day, give her a big dirty kiss and then do it.

Sorry for the bluntness but I do hope you give it a go! She wants to feel like a y, desirable (photos) women in your big man's arms. Do your lady justice (I know it's a lot to ask given her behaviour as of late) but it will show how much you want for things to work between you. The onus is not all on you though, she too, will need to give you guys a chance.
Dx

[packagedealx3]

You can let this eat away at you and you can believe it would have gone real world if he lived closer but perhaps what you ought to focus on is that she did turn to you. In 12 years, even a good marriage is often as smackie noted, not tended properly. Counseling is a good idea but you might also try reading the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It is geared to a degree toward couples having problems in the bedroom but it is also about increasing intimacy in general and seeing how things outside of the bedroom sometimes creep into it. Did she really want the more aggressive so much as more of a connection with you? The physical aspect may be part of it but it was likely caused more by her running into someone that made her feel special and attractive.

[BorealSoul]

You can let this eat away at you and you can believe it would have gone real world if he lived closer but perhaps what you ought to focus on is that she did turn to you. In 12 years, even a good marriage is often as smackie noted, not tended properly. Counseling is a good idea but you might also try reading the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It is geared to a degree toward couples having problems in the bedroom but it is also about increasing intimacy in general and seeing how things outside of the bedroom sometimes creep into it. Did she really want the more aggressive so much as more of a connection with you? The physical aspect may be part of it but it was likely caused more by her running into someone that made her feel special and attractive.

Good recommendation for reading PDX3! Plain language and written instructively.