ChristianonLI
11-17-2009, 10:27 PM
Four months ago I married a wonderful woman. Took our honeymoon then a week later came back to start our life together. We were so in love and the relationship had been 2 years of loving bliss.
Four months later she's gone. She left me last month and ever since I've been a wreck. She says she doesn't love me anymore and she puts all the blame on me. I miss her so much but she refuses to try and work it out. She doesn't have a shred of emotion or love left for me.
At the start I was addicted to World of Warcraft. I would play it day and night. I stayed up late every night. My wife had lived with me for a few months before the wedding but she never once complained about this.
About a month into our marriage she came to me with concerns. She wasn't sure what direction the marriage was headed due to my habits, not just WoW but also my heavy smoking and my poor diet. At first I was annoyed, I didn't want to make changes to the habits I had grown comfortable with. Nevertheless, I obliged. The next day I filled a prescription for Chantix to quit smoking, a week later I joined a gym and I began to cut down on the WoW. I stopped playing in the evenings to spend time with her and only played after she went to bed. I thought I had fixed the issues.
Apparently not. She began to complain about how I never went to bed as the same time as her. I realize now I should have done this but my response was "I'm not tired, I've always stayed up late."
"Well, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night," she said. "If I'm going to bed alone, what's the point of me being here? I might as well be home in my own bed."
I didn't think it was so serious, but I was wrong. A few days after that initial discussion about my habits we took a drive out east. My whole plan was to drive and see the sights with no destination. I thought it would be a great way to spend time, but on the drive back she became angry because I didn't have a better plan. "If we hadn't hit the ferry port you would have just kept on driving," she said angrily. It was that day that I began to feel something was wrong.
As the weeks went on I quit WoW on my own. I played other games at times to keep myself busy in the evenings but I began to notice that every time I tried to get close to her, she showed no interest in me. She didn't want to talk, or cuddle and she stopped showing interest in . I was confused and hurt, I didn't know what was wrong.
I began to take notice of her habits, and then suspicion began to set in. She would go to the gym 3-4 times a week after work and spend lots of time with her parents and her sister. Most nights she wouldn't get home until 7 or 8 and her job closed every day at 5. She would spend the rest of the evening either chatting on Facebook or texting on her cellphone. According to her, it was always with her sister. One or two times while she was chatting I tried to cuddle up and she freaked out, accusing me of trying to sneak peaks at her computer screen. Why would she be so concerned?
We began to grow more distant. We'd go out with friends to dinner and she wouldn't be social. She would text the entire evening, never looking up, never engaging anyone in conversation. Just texting constantly, grinning slyly. I began to wonder the worst: "Was she having an affair?"
Some time after that she went to a Yankees game on a Saturday. However, she stayed over her mother's the night before, went to the game the next day but didn't even return home until Sunday. "I went to see friends in Brooklyn," she said. She also freely disclosed that the person she went to the Yankee game with was a divorced male friend with 3 kids. Why would she even go to a baseball game and not take me along? "You don't like baseball," she said.
We began to talk about counseling, but we never got that far. A month ago we went to a movie and while there, I got into an argument with someone on line at the concession stand. That person had been fighting with the clerk behind the counter and I stepped in to defend the clerk, thereby making a scene. Apparently she was so embarrassed by my getting involved that she said if we'd taken her car she would have left me at the theater and gone home. She chastised me about my attitude, said I had no respect for anyone and that she didn't want to have children with someone like that for fear I would teach our children to be like that. This really hurt, she had wanted children with me so very much for so very long and I was just finally starting to warm up to the idea.
The day after that, I lost my job of 10 years. I lost it because of the same attitude I exhibited at the theater, too. I got home, I complained about what happened, but she didn't try to comfort me at all. At 5 she said, "I have dinner with my parents, see you later." She didn't even think to invite me. So she leaves and a little while later I text her, asking to go.
"I'm sorry, you can't go, we have relatives coming," was her reply.
WHAT? I freaked out. Wasn't I relative? I asked what that meant and she said that was her mother's response. Still, I didn't understand what that was about. I was her husband, why wasn't I required to go? At that point, I made a terrible mistake. I accused her of lying and demanded to know where she really was going. The reason for me not being allowed to go was so ridiculous the only other possibility in my mind was that she wasn't with her parents but with another man. Later on I saw that Facebook comments on her wall from hours before supported the dinner with parents plan.
The rest of the week we mostly argued and I got her to admit the following: "I just don't love you as much as I used to, I've been feeling it go away for a while now." I was confused. After quitting smoking, going to the gym and cutting down on video games I thought I was doing what she wanted, but she turned her concerns to my attitude. Every argument didn't start out hostile either. All I tried to do was talk to her, to reason with her, but it would eventually devolve into arguing. That Friday, after another fight, she picked up and went to stay at her mother's for the night. The following day we had a public Facebook argument on my wall and she said she was coming over, according to her, "to get some of my things." I interpreted her words as she was coming to take everything.
Then I made a huge, fatal mistake. As she was on the way over, I told my parents who live upstairs (our apartment is in the bat) to not say anything or start trouble. My mother proceeds to tell me to make sure I get back the engagement ring because it was a family heirloom. Which it was. Without even thinking, as my wife was packing, I asked for it, and she flipped out. According to her, asking for the engagement ring back was me severing the ties and kicking her out! I understand the symbolism now but as the words came out of my mouth I didn't see it. I tried to explain this to her but she would hear nothing of it and wouldn't take it back. Instead of just taking some of her stuff, she packed up every last thing she had in the apartment and left, but not before I could sneak the ring into one of her bags without her knowing.
The next week was Hell. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen. Finally I got her to agree to a meeting. Upon meeting she declared our marriage over and there was nothing that could be done to revive it. "I can't go back to someone who treated me that way," she said.
I asked how I treated her. Apparently all the while she felt ignored and second rate because of the video games, even after I quit WoW and played playstation to pass time. She said our life was too predictable and that I just cared more about the video games than her. I swore it wasn't true and tried to explain that she'd been pushing me away for weeks so I started to try less hard because I knew she wasn't interested, but that didn't matter.
"I never felt once like you even loved me," she said.
This broke my heart. It really did, because I do love her. I wanted to do everything for her, give her a happy life but the marriage was so young. There were things I still needed to learn about relationships. I was so certain I showed her love. I had changed so much about myself to suit her and was prepared to change more to keep her happy, but she just wasn't happy.
So, fast forward a month. I've tried to talk to her and profess my love for her, but nothing moves her. She hangs out with her parents, her sister, watches football and goes to work. She doesn't miss me, she no longer loves me and she refuses to even think about trying again, all because of the ring incident. I tried to explain I didn't mean it the way she interpreted it but she doesn't care. She has her mind made up and no amount of pain she knows I'm going through can warm her heart. She plans to file for divorce and move on with her life without me, in spite of the love we shared for years, in spite of all the wonderful memories we shared. In the space of six to eight weeks she stopped loving me and wants nothing to do with me.
Is that possible? I thought love was stronger. I thought that when two people loved each other they could overcome all adversity. I tried so hard to fix the marriage but she doesn't want to try. She gave up on me in just three months and I am completely, utterly devastated. I feel like my life is over. I spend every minute of every day thinking about this, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to think of something to say to convince her I always did love her and never meant to hurt her. I just cannot see my life going on without her.
I don't know what to do. Her friends and family refuse to talk to me and I have no one on her side to turn to who might try and talk her into trying again. I can't force her to love me but she just doesn't want to try and I don't understand why. This was not how I learned love to be.
Four months later she's gone. She left me last month and ever since I've been a wreck. She says she doesn't love me anymore and she puts all the blame on me. I miss her so much but she refuses to try and work it out. She doesn't have a shred of emotion or love left for me.
At the start I was addicted to World of Warcraft. I would play it day and night. I stayed up late every night. My wife had lived with me for a few months before the wedding but she never once complained about this.
About a month into our marriage she came to me with concerns. She wasn't sure what direction the marriage was headed due to my habits, not just WoW but also my heavy smoking and my poor diet. At first I was annoyed, I didn't want to make changes to the habits I had grown comfortable with. Nevertheless, I obliged. The next day I filled a prescription for Chantix to quit smoking, a week later I joined a gym and I began to cut down on the WoW. I stopped playing in the evenings to spend time with her and only played after she went to bed. I thought I had fixed the issues.
Apparently not. She began to complain about how I never went to bed as the same time as her. I realize now I should have done this but my response was "I'm not tired, I've always stayed up late."
"Well, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night," she said. "If I'm going to bed alone, what's the point of me being here? I might as well be home in my own bed."
I didn't think it was so serious, but I was wrong. A few days after that initial discussion about my habits we took a drive out east. My whole plan was to drive and see the sights with no destination. I thought it would be a great way to spend time, but on the drive back she became angry because I didn't have a better plan. "If we hadn't hit the ferry port you would have just kept on driving," she said angrily. It was that day that I began to feel something was wrong.
As the weeks went on I quit WoW on my own. I played other games at times to keep myself busy in the evenings but I began to notice that every time I tried to get close to her, she showed no interest in me. She didn't want to talk, or cuddle and she stopped showing interest in . I was confused and hurt, I didn't know what was wrong.
I began to take notice of her habits, and then suspicion began to set in. She would go to the gym 3-4 times a week after work and spend lots of time with her parents and her sister. Most nights she wouldn't get home until 7 or 8 and her job closed every day at 5. She would spend the rest of the evening either chatting on Facebook or texting on her cellphone. According to her, it was always with her sister. One or two times while she was chatting I tried to cuddle up and she freaked out, accusing me of trying to sneak peaks at her computer screen. Why would she be so concerned?
We began to grow more distant. We'd go out with friends to dinner and she wouldn't be social. She would text the entire evening, never looking up, never engaging anyone in conversation. Just texting constantly, grinning slyly. I began to wonder the worst: "Was she having an affair?"
Some time after that she went to a Yankees game on a Saturday. However, she stayed over her mother's the night before, went to the game the next day but didn't even return home until Sunday. "I went to see friends in Brooklyn," she said. She also freely disclosed that the person she went to the Yankee game with was a divorced male friend with 3 kids. Why would she even go to a baseball game and not take me along? "You don't like baseball," she said.
We began to talk about counseling, but we never got that far. A month ago we went to a movie and while there, I got into an argument with someone on line at the concession stand. That person had been fighting with the clerk behind the counter and I stepped in to defend the clerk, thereby making a scene. Apparently she was so embarrassed by my getting involved that she said if we'd taken her car she would have left me at the theater and gone home. She chastised me about my attitude, said I had no respect for anyone and that she didn't want to have children with someone like that for fear I would teach our children to be like that. This really hurt, she had wanted children with me so very much for so very long and I was just finally starting to warm up to the idea.
The day after that, I lost my job of 10 years. I lost it because of the same attitude I exhibited at the theater, too. I got home, I complained about what happened, but she didn't try to comfort me at all. At 5 she said, "I have dinner with my parents, see you later." She didn't even think to invite me. So she leaves and a little while later I text her, asking to go.
"I'm sorry, you can't go, we have relatives coming," was her reply.
WHAT? I freaked out. Wasn't I relative? I asked what that meant and she said that was her mother's response. Still, I didn't understand what that was about. I was her husband, why wasn't I required to go? At that point, I made a terrible mistake. I accused her of lying and demanded to know where she really was going. The reason for me not being allowed to go was so ridiculous the only other possibility in my mind was that she wasn't with her parents but with another man. Later on I saw that Facebook comments on her wall from hours before supported the dinner with parents plan.
The rest of the week we mostly argued and I got her to admit the following: "I just don't love you as much as I used to, I've been feeling it go away for a while now." I was confused. After quitting smoking, going to the gym and cutting down on video games I thought I was doing what she wanted, but she turned her concerns to my attitude. Every argument didn't start out hostile either. All I tried to do was talk to her, to reason with her, but it would eventually devolve into arguing. That Friday, after another fight, she picked up and went to stay at her mother's for the night. The following day we had a public Facebook argument on my wall and she said she was coming over, according to her, "to get some of my things." I interpreted her words as she was coming to take everything.
Then I made a huge, fatal mistake. As she was on the way over, I told my parents who live upstairs (our apartment is in the bat) to not say anything or start trouble. My mother proceeds to tell me to make sure I get back the engagement ring because it was a family heirloom. Which it was. Without even thinking, as my wife was packing, I asked for it, and she flipped out. According to her, asking for the engagement ring back was me severing the ties and kicking her out! I understand the symbolism now but as the words came out of my mouth I didn't see it. I tried to explain this to her but she would hear nothing of it and wouldn't take it back. Instead of just taking some of her stuff, she packed up every last thing she had in the apartment and left, but not before I could sneak the ring into one of her bags without her knowing.
The next week was Hell. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen. Finally I got her to agree to a meeting. Upon meeting she declared our marriage over and there was nothing that could be done to revive it. "I can't go back to someone who treated me that way," she said.
I asked how I treated her. Apparently all the while she felt ignored and second rate because of the video games, even after I quit WoW and played playstation to pass time. She said our life was too predictable and that I just cared more about the video games than her. I swore it wasn't true and tried to explain that she'd been pushing me away for weeks so I started to try less hard because I knew she wasn't interested, but that didn't matter.
"I never felt once like you even loved me," she said.
This broke my heart. It really did, because I do love her. I wanted to do everything for her, give her a happy life but the marriage was so young. There were things I still needed to learn about relationships. I was so certain I showed her love. I had changed so much about myself to suit her and was prepared to change more to keep her happy, but she just wasn't happy.
So, fast forward a month. I've tried to talk to her and profess my love for her, but nothing moves her. She hangs out with her parents, her sister, watches football and goes to work. She doesn't miss me, she no longer loves me and she refuses to even think about trying again, all because of the ring incident. I tried to explain I didn't mean it the way she interpreted it but she doesn't care. She has her mind made up and no amount of pain she knows I'm going through can warm her heart. She plans to file for divorce and move on with her life without me, in spite of the love we shared for years, in spite of all the wonderful memories we shared. In the space of six to eight weeks she stopped loving me and wants nothing to do with me.
Is that possible? I thought love was stronger. I thought that when two people loved each other they could overcome all adversity. I tried so hard to fix the marriage but she doesn't want to try. She gave up on me in just three months and I am completely, utterly devastated. I feel like my life is over. I spend every minute of every day thinking about this, wondering what I could have done differently, trying to think of something to say to convince her I always did love her and never meant to hurt her. I just cannot see my life going on without her.
I don't know what to do. Her friends and family refuse to talk to me and I have no one on her side to turn to who might try and talk her into trying again. I can't force her to love me but she just doesn't want to try and I don't understand why. This was not how I learned love to be.