View Full Version : what should i do ?
i am currently living with my boyfriend in his bat, with his parents upstairs. I was kicked out of my own home because my parents did not like the fact that we bought a car together. My boyfriend does not want my parents at the wedding ( which is not for another two years). My boyfriends parents adore me and they have no problem with me staying here. However, my parents have been horrible to me and my boyfriend. Should they be invited the wedding??! :confused:
bdtraders
03-26-2005, 07:43 PM
IMO Yes they are still your parents and you would be acting like the adult in the situation by sending them an invitation. Let them decide if they wish to attend or not. That way they can never hold over you that you did not invite them, you can say yes I invited you but you choose not to come.
2 years is a long time away and who knows you all might be on good grounds by then.
Do the right thing and the mature thing and invite them.
yes they r still my parents, however they have caused me so much pain throughout my life. They never wanted us to be together. Even though they are my parents, they were never there for me. My boyfriend is my only family...
bdtraders
03-26-2005, 08:06 PM
trust me i know how you feel, my parents have the same problem with my GF. But if me and her were to ever get married, I would still send them an invitation. I dont agree at all with what my moms opinions are with my GF but i will still invite her none the less.
Maybe they have never been there for you in the past, but lets say 20 years after you get married you all are on awesome terms, you cant redo the day their daughter got married.
YOU need to be mature and still send them an invitation NO MATTER what they have donw in the past or the present. YOU be the adult. YOU show them that even though they are acting like this that you are still a mature adult. Like I said if they choose not to attend, at least you did the right thing. If you dont send them an invitation because of the way they are acting you are acting just as hurtful as them. REVENGE isnt the answer, being mature is, and sorry to say but if you feed into themby not sending them an invitation then you are not being mature.
Remeber the weddings still two years away. You and your BF have alot to do before then, the first would be getting out of his parents house and out on your own.
By the way how old are you and your BF and how long have you and him been dating?
we have been going out for two and a half years, and we are both 21 years old now.
bdtraders
03-26-2005, 08:27 PM
Also just curious what other things have your parents done over the last 2 1/2 years to you and your boyfriend?
well they have tried to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend, as well as take away most of my money. Not to mention they tried to also destroy my relatiosnhip with my in- laws to be. however everyone is backing me up because they know what she did was wrong. she also kicked me out, and she tried to control me. nothing ever made her happy. when it comes to yelling at me, i dont mond. but when it comes to my boyfriend when she yelled at him thats when i exploded. She has just tried to destroy my life. its been very hard for me. this is just a short story of what has happened. There is alot more however, u would cry if i told you.
bdtraders
03-26-2005, 08:53 PM
Ive been there, but trust me you need to stand strong and your ground and remain the adult. Dont let anything she says or does drag you down. You know the old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I stand firm in the fact that you should invite your parents. Like i have told my mother on several occasions (and im 32) " I will always love you with all my heart because you are my mother, i do not agree with things that you have said or done, but you are still my mother. You will always be invited to important things in my life and my sons life, but other then those things it will be my decision to have you in my familys life" to my amazement yesterday at her moms funeral (my grandmother) i took my GF who she CAN NOT STAND, and i stuck by my GF during everything. When we were at the cemtery my mom walked up to my GF while I was carrying the casket and told her thank you for coming to support me, then when we were leaving she gave my GF a hug and said thank you again.
My mom sounds alot like yours and im seeing a change. Do the right thing and invite her, I know you dont want to but its the right thing for YOU to do.
Look at it this way, let her find stupid reasons to be mad at you and your BF, dont give her FUEL by not inviting her. Let the ball be in her court and see how she plays the play.
That may be true. I am going to invite her. However, i will never forgive her for what she has done. She has only cause me suffering. She has traumatized me to an extent that i get nightmares. My mom is alot different then yours. See she is two faced. she shows people that she is the friendsliest and so on. But behind their backs she talks non stop shit about them. Even about me and my family. I just want her to stay away from me and my boyfriendas far as possible.
bdtraders
03-26-2005, 09:21 PM
Your doing the right thing. True your mom may be different, but we have all been there in one form or another in our lives.
You stated "However, i will never forgive her for what she has done."
That is just causing more unhealthyness for yourself. You need to forgive those that have wronged you. Im not saying to not forget what she did, but do forgive. find peace in yourself by forgiving her problems and faults and the nightmares that she has caused you, but still forgive her. You have moved on to better places, you are under a roof that is loving and cares deeply for you. Do not carry the burden of your mothers actions around with you, look as it as her loss. You will still be the loving daughter to her and if she chooses to act the way she has and does you forgive her for her wrong doing but you will not forget nor will you be apart of it.
Plain and simple if you choose not to forgive you are letting her win your soul and heart. She still has "control" over you and your emotions. Forgive her and even tell her that you dont agree with her but you forgive her and she has no control over you. No matter what she does she cant effect your "new "life and family and that hopefully one day she will see the wrong that she has done. But that you still love her as the woman that gave you birth and that will never change, but you choose not to be apart of it.
see, she has done so much wrong to me that i am beyong forgiving. I dont think i could ever fully forgive her. She still has control over my emotions, but understand that these things take time to get over. she is still my mother, however i dont want her negative influenvce over my new life. My boyfriend cant stand her for what she has done to me. He is the one that watches me cry to sleep some nights. He is alway sthere and he is very supportiver but he will never want her in pout lives. Nor will he ever forgive her. He is aware of the times i was beat up by her and shoved down the stairs. i was the one to go to school with bruises. Till today she would hit me.. Enough is enough,. A MOTHER DOES NOT DO THAT.
bdtraders
03-26-2005, 10:00 PM
Very true, a mother dosent do those things.
But you to make yourself whole again need to forgive and move on with your new life. Forgiving and forgetting are two differnt things.
Its just my opinion that to becoem fully healthy yourself you need to forgive her (not forget) just forgive.
Just my 2 cents of what i went through in my life. And FYI i was beated , molested and thrown out when i was 15. Your not alone.
eightball61
03-27-2005, 03:51 AM
They have to realize that you will always be there girl but you are now 32 and grown up. Its time for you to make adult decisions. They can still be there for guidence but you are now in control of your life and the decisions you make. If you decide to move out, get a car, have a boyfriend, or even marry who ever you want then thats your decision and not thiers. They have to learn that parenting doesn't stop but control has to stop at one point. You are old enough to ake mistakes and learn from them. This is the only way you will learn abot life.
I am not going to tell you whether to invite them or not but you have to remember that this may be something you reret if you dont invite them and if you they do go it could be a clasic ing session so you really never know. My opinion is that it doesn't hurt to invite them to go. Inviting them to go gives them an option to go or not.
You are thier child though and if they want to keep you close and not lose you then they need to sart acting like parents.
Yes i do understand what u are saying. I saw my mother today. She completed ignored me and pretended im non existant and walked by me. Should i talk to her and degrade myself?? i have been disowned..
eightball61
03-28-2005, 12:00 AM
If she acts that way to you then you have every right to act that way to her.....Thats how I see things.
bdtraders
03-28-2005, 06:23 PM
by all means if shes ignoring you then igonore her back. You deserve better. You still need to be cordial and invite her to your new family functions such as births, funerals, weddings, etc. But other events like birthdays or holidays she can kiss your a$$. Big events that happen only once in a lifetime , YOU make the effort to invite if they go they go if they dont its THEIR loss, the smaller events that happen every year the rest of your life, she loses out of until she can stop being that way.
it is true. until today she does own me. I may have left the house, but deep down inside i am still emotionally unstable. She has traumatized me, and worse i dont have a home. Yes i do live with my bf and his family, and i am a part of their family. And they do say that this is my home. Deep down inside it is not my home. I do not have a room to call my own since i am sharing it with him. She has succeeded by making my life as miserable as can be. It hard always praying and wishin gthat maybe things could have been different. Maybe i could have been a better daughter. I just miss the fact that i knew i belonged somewhere. Right now i dont belong anywhere. Im just a girl, who tries to hide her tears
eightball61
03-30-2005, 01:09 PM
NO...She doesn't own you...Is there a legal document to show that she does own you? She may have delivered you as a child but thats its....She may have controlled your emotions and they may seem messed up right now but if you learn how to detach yourself from that so you can live a better live. See a counselor if you have to have professional guidence on how to live your own.
If the wedding is 1 to 2 years away, then I wouldn't worry or fret over the issue with your parents just yet.
The relationship with your parents will play itself out to reveal the answer to your question one way or the other.
Just let the issue drop and don't even think about it.
As an example, why stop at worrying about the wedding? What about the birth of their grand children? Will they be notified, involved? What about the baptism? Communion?
The list goes on and on. You can worry yourslef silly over all of it. Don't bother. Time will tell and direct you. You don't know how the relationship will be two years from now.
Maybe one of your parents gets really sick (not jinxing) and it draws your family closer together and mends fences? You can never tell the future so don't get rapped up in worrying about things a year or two down the road.
Enjoy life.
Rich
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