4 year breakup problems

[Brokenheart89]

Hello guys and gals, I'm new to the forum and I have a situation that I can't understand.. Anyways here it goes... Me and my now "ex" girlfriend dated for 4 years now... recently I found out she "likes" another guy.. I confronted her about it and she says she does like him, but she loves me with everything she has.. we went on a "break" for about a week and I had to end it with her, but i told her I will take her back if she comes back to me 100% because it was truly tearing it up inside.. I bought a engagement ring and was going to propose to her on xmas eve.. we have been broken up for about a week now, and she keeps telling me she loves me and wants to be with be with.. We still hang out and talk alot, about how much we love each other. We kiss, have , etc so it basically is like we still are together but "technically" we are not. She told me she is lost as a person, and she just needs time to clear her head. She continues to talk to the person she likes, but to my knowledge they haven't done anything yet. Do you think she is sincere in saying she wants to be with me.. She always tells me how she wants to be my wife and start a family. I truly do love her with everything I have.. What do you guys suggest I do?

[Rich]

Depends how old you both are. If you about 30 years old, then you have a shot of getting back together.

If you're both in your early to mid 20's then she's going to go sow some oats and you're SOL (crap out of luck).

You're her security blanket and what she knows. She's keeping you around because she can't just let go until she feels more secure in the other guy and his intentions. She doesn't want to be alone for the holidays.

She's had your flavor for 4 years and wants to experience other guys prior to committing. It's a natural feeling.

[PsychGrad]

I agree with Rich, to an extent. I believe it's natural to find others attractive while in any relationship, but I do not agree that it's natural to cheat on another. It's a choice, not an inescapable genetic predisposition. We all have temptations, but not everyone succumbs to them. We always have a choice to act responsibly or badly, or not at all.

It is common for infidelic partners to keep prolonged ties with their primary relationship while they "test the waters" with others. It happens all-too-often. This occurs for any number of reasons, either singularly or in combination. Ordinarily, infidelity is fueled by strong inner-emotions or needs, and not just ual urges.

This situation with her seems to be an attempt to cushion against a fall, should one occur. If an extra-relationship affair ends in failure, the offender believes (right or wrong) that a fall-back point may remain. In slang terms, it's called being "strung along". This is a damaging experience for the person hurt by this. It creates anger, doubt, loss of overall trust, lessened esteem, and much more.

For the victim of the infidelity, it also creates a range of possible reactions based on their personality. For example, those with low esteem may angrily choose acceptance and remain intent on a relationship with their partner. This reaction rarely solves matters. More often than not, this may actually encourage future infidelities, as the cheater will likely find their proverbial victim even more unappealing for lack of inner-strength. This may be indicative of co-dependancy issues more far reaching than a single relationship.

As we are discussing female infidelity, I will add this... statistically, most women who engage in extra-relationship affairs do so because they feel a lack of affection or intimacy in their primary relationship. Theirs is more an affair-of-the-heart. They may become smitten with someone who is flattering to them, who shows an interest in their detailed feelings, expresses approval and adoration for them, and shares a mutual attraction.

There are numerous others reasons why anyone may cheat, which may include defects of personality, poor self-esteem or self-worth, atrophic intimacy issues, or ual disorders. The list can be extensive, but commonly interrelated.

My advice to you is this... own any faults that you alone may be responsible for, but don't own her feelings or misdeeds. They rest soundly on her shoulders. If you've been insensitive, poor at listening, quick to judge, less than supportive, or anything else of the sort, recognize your shortfalls and accept responsibility. None of these make you a bad person, or warrant being cheated on.

If you want to be with her, show your inner strength. Be confident, resolute, and deeply intimate with her about your feelings, the hurt you feel and express the love you feel for her. But, do not accept responsibility for the infidelity itself. That has been entirely her choice.

However, I believe that when a person cheats, more of the same will follow. Past behaviors often dictates future behavior. My advice, let go and move on. Unless you have a real investment in the relationship (i.e marriage, children, property, etc), it may serve you best to find other pastures.

Best of luck, my friend. Don't be yourself up over this.

[smackie9]

She's done with you. The only reason she kinda hangs on is because you are familiar and comfortable. She's on the fence, but she is itchin to jump off onto the other side. Be glad to know now rather than after you got married.