having a terrible time, plz help

[adoodle]

sorry this may be long.
I am married. My H has 2 kids from a previous marriage, both with long standing behavioral problems of constant lies, manipulation, head games, bad behavior instilled in them by their birth mother with malice to hurt my husband.
They not only have given us grief over the years it has escalated in the last 2 years in more sever lies and alligations, such as his 19 year old saying she was abused every day by him and he abandon her, all lies as I was there.
He also has a 16 year old but the 16 year old does not have such bad behavioral issues nor so demanding as the daughter.
The daughter and son both live with her mother WHO HAS SPOILED THEM BADLY with material possessions over the years, giving them a huge sense of entitlement. His daughters unrealisitc expectations, excessive demands, lies about him on the internet, hysterical behavior also extended to me where I was called "" and threatened by her many times. It has been an ordeal.

My H refused counseling all during that time to set boundries with them. His daughter is a patholigal lair, she thinks everyone abuses her, even her BF's and she does not get along with any men she dates, going to counseling this year to deal with issues of her many BF problems, as she is deamnding and unrealisitc.
Recently, she was involved as a witness to a crime where a guy she was dating on and off was murdered. She had been spending the night with him at a high crime apartment complex and he was shot by people who came to rob him. She did not get hurt, but states she was almost killed and here is where the problem comes in.
Now that that situation happened, my H has started counseling because he says he is sympathetic and compassionate to her to be involved in that incident as she could have been killed ( although she wasn't and not harmed) and he has started counseling where the therapist is telling him to do what he FEELS and my husband says he weants to turn over a new leaf and be more involved with her now as he feels very much sympathy for her. He wants her to start coming over and has gotten with his ex and goes over to their house and visits her too. He wants her to come around and be involved in her life giving her trust and opening our doors to her.
To further complicate my situation, I have cancer (invasive, aggressive) that I'm in treatment for, which involves painful treatments that take all my energy away, which will be going on for 4 more months.
My husband has the right words for me that he cares, but he is never around and says he can't take off work, he wants me to hire help and ask my friends to help me...
and he also wants his daughter to come over, despite my compromised immune system. He says he feels I am not symapthetic and compassionate enough for what she has been through,
but fails to see I am in no position to open my heart or home to her now, more so with her history, snooping problems while she is here ( last time she was here I caught her going through the gun cabinet and my personal papers)
She is highly demanding and manipultive and I feel she has manipulated her fathers emotions through that event of almost getting herself killed, into
him turning hyper compassionate, willing to overlook her history of constant lies and outrageous behavior.

Is my marriage over?

I don't know what to make of this. any comments to help me see what I may not be seeing? I should add, my husband did not want me to work, therefore I'm on his medical insurance and that is what is paying for my treatments which are already over 40K and just a few months into treatment ( chemo, surgery, radiation) and I feel he has me over a barrel as to let her into our home, expecting me to forget all she has done and the years of grief and suffering she has caused us. More so since I am very weak now, with compromised immune system from the chemo I get.
When I try to talk to my husband about how I feel, he gets very emotional and says I am not compassioante enough, but as I see it, she is alive and unharmed, she should be grateful and move on.
I am not able to move on and looking at least a half year of treatments, with possible mets as I have a very rare form of cancer with a high rate of mets to the body and death.
I am so confused? am I being unreasonble? or is he?
I just dont know anymore. opinions please ! greatly appriciated.

[Rich]

A parent (loving parent) can never turn away their children. A parent feels that they brought the child into the world and how they're turning out has to do with their parenting skills. If the kid is screwed up, then the parents are the ones to blame.

Do you have a biological child of your own? If so, then you should know that your husband can't turn away his own kid. If you don't, then there's really nothing that I can say to make you understand because you "don't know the feeling" of having a child and all that it entails. You should never make a man choose between you and his his children. Where's your love and understanding?

You want your husband to be understanding of your situation (sickness), but you don't want to be understanding of the parent/child relationship of your husband. He's being unsympathetic of oyur situation like your being of his.

Remember this.....a child doesn't get the opportunity to pick their parents. They're stuck with whover they get to raise them into adults. It's the mom that made this girl the way that she is. Try to remember that somewhat.

You have all the right in the world to set ground rules in your house and your husband has to be on board with those as well. His kids need to know that your rules for your house apply when they are there. That they need to be obeyed. That should have been set a long time ago.

The girl is old enough to be talked to like an adult. She might not like it, but that's the way that it is. Your husband has to set her straight, but it's your house too and she has to respect you.

[adoodle]

thats the thing maybe you missed in my post, she has a history of abusing US both...
what I find odd about that is her response to me as it has been for years with such hate as I have never done anything to her!
She in fact dores not respct us and when she comnes over snoops, goes through our cabinets and my personal papers. I have asked her father to tell her to stop but he says he will IF he can remember.
This girl is very promiscious and LOUD, very vulagar has has no problems haveing severe fits screaming " she comes first" and other such demands. I feel they are not being very respectful of me I need decreased stress. That she almost got herself killed is because she is roaming around in the middleof the night, sleeping over mens houses and playing the "player" with several men. I would think her father would respond with "what were you thinking to be doing that" but instead he feels he wants to protect her and overlook all her behaviors... and also force me to allow her into my home.
She is unharmed, the biy who was killed was someone she did not get along with- but would not leave alone. She should not have been at his apartment or in that area at that time of night, but she gets forgiven now? because she put herself in danger?
I guess I dont get it.
I dont undersatand her fathers reactions to this and why he is asking me to have her over more often. I cannot overlook many years of her bad behavior and highly doubt her encounter will change anything. She is a very spoiled girl who has many expectations that are far fetched.
I was hoping since her mother is who she lkives with and is ok with her daughter running around at night and her promiscious behaviors are well known to her mother that her mother would change some rules around the house, but what has happened is:
mother and daughter are now leaning on my husband heavily. They do not see it as she almost get HERSELF killed, but that she almost got killed and really playing up the victim senerio... and she was not harmed, did not even see anything as she was forced to go into another room during the attack.
so...
maybe I am without compassion but I have always lived to where you are accountable for your actions. In my husbands ex's family, no one is accountable for their actions.
I am very sick with cancer and before this event in his daughters life I asked her to plz stop causing us stress and she basically told me to kiss her butt.
so I guess that I am not looking forword to her coming around more, more so since she has been going into our gun cabinets and opening things, looking through things before the incident. I feel she has manipulated her father as he wants to turn over a new leaf and forget about all the history with her and her bad behaviors, demands.
I am at a loss and deeply concerned for MY SAFETY with her.
My husband can also not remember to tell her not to wear so much perfume when coming over and to dress to where her rear end is covered as she dresses to draw male attention to her and it is somewhat vulgar. He often falls asleep when his kids have been over and since they snoop and I am heavily loaded with narcostics in the house and often asleep myself, that they will use this opportunity to rob us.
I feel deeply abandon by my husband and concerned about our marrigae.
I do not have kids of my own but I was a kid and the things his daughter does, her loud and outragoues behavior, excessive demands are something I would NEVER have done to my parents as I was raised to respect my oparents. On the other hand his daughter was taught to hate her father, disresepct him, scream at him, blame him and also scream at me and verbally abuse me. I cannot understand her behavior at all as I have never seen anything like it.
On the holidays my husband wants her to comre over despite the fact I will be dealing with chemo at that time. He says its half his house and will deal with her if she suddenly goes into a fit of rage or starts to snoop but he has shown he does not actually do that and I cannot deal with any more stress that I'm cyurrently under.
Do you really think I'm being that unfair to her?
I would hope that my husbands reaction would be more centered on helkping his ex parent better and create boundries with the kids she has spoiled as she made it to where she had malice for him and turned the kids on him and against him ( parental alinentation syndrome) and since they do not live with us, we do not parent them, cannot control them or create boundries with them, he would help his ex as she has now turned over ALL PARENTING TO HIM, realizing she is a total failure as a parent.
Am I that wrong to want my husbands time and help now that I am sick? I can't walk as I have pheriopheral neuropathy in my feet from cancer treatments and very weak, also with weak immune system, I dont feel its fair he pushes them upon me now. There have been years we have tried to work with them and his kids abused us and spit on us.
I feel they should have some concern for me as my husband is not there for me !!! as he is busy with them, gladly and proudly taking up the fatherly role he was pushed out of for several years and he should be putting it back on the source and reasons for all the problems with them... their mother.
I asked his daughter to please don't give us any more stress before the incident, and she laughed at me and said my cvancer had nothing to do with her. I told her it did, as the stress she creates, the drama, the demands, the immaturity and unrealisitc excpetations STRESS US OUT. She laughed at me with an evil grin. Its all a big game to her. The fact of the matter are: my husband is not there for me since he has assumed a new parenting role. I may not survive this and deeply need my partner to be one, but he is too busy now... and his daughter is of age.
I guess after all that has happened with his kids I dont have much compassion. She almost got herself killed but if her mother wasn't OK with her running around in the middle of the night, sleeping around, it would most likely never have happened.
Now husbands ex wants him to come over, parent them, be in their lives and I am home hardly able to care for myself. I don't feel its very fair to me. I have been a good and faithful wife to my husband.

[Rich]

Obviously the girl is screaming for help and your husband and his ex have dropped the ball. She's acting out in response to what has taken place in her life and getting her into counseling at this age in her life will be difficult if she doesn't want to go. They should have had her talk to a counselor a long time ago.

She hates you because she probably feels that you're part of the reason why daddy left mommy and because no doubt the mother molded her to hate you as well.

I'm going through the same thing now with my ex trying to turn my kids against me and my wife. But my kids know how much I love them and that I'll always be there for them. They're 10, 9 and 7. I have also set boundaries in my house in that when they're there, that they have to live by my rules, not mommy's. It still doesn't take away the hurt that my ex would use our children to try and hurt me, but one of the reasons why I left her was because of her Bi-polar and unstable mindset. I trust that as the kids get older that they'll come to understand and see more of how things really are, but that doesn't changes what's happening now.

One of our kids has anger issues that partly stem from I think him getting some of her bi-polar issues, but also anger from not having mommy and daddy together. He's in counseling to help him deal with what is happening.

I'm also going to be quite honest and say that i'm skimming over your last post as it's way too long, so if I miss something i'm sorry.

The bottom line is that your husband, quite honestly, isn't doing the right thing here. He's dropped the ball on his daughter and her actions towards him, you and life in general by not dealing with it years ago. With him not wanting to be there for you during this time, it also shows his character, or lack of it.

It seems like he doesn't want to deal with reality and issues head on. He likes to hide and do nothing. He's a .

Sorry that you're married to a .

[Rich]

I guess that there's some big brother software that the moderator has installed on this site that automatically removes "bad" words.

In my previous post here's what I wrote.

"It seems like he doesn't want to deal with reality and issues head on. He likes to hide and do nothing. He's a p*ssy."

"Sorry that you're married to a p*ssy. "

[adoodle]

My husband was not seen by his kids for several years as his ex turned them against him. Its only now the mopther ( who is also bipolar) has given up and trying to shove them off on him, as they are out of control.
We both tried tpo get them into counseling for years... they refused.

[adoodle]

excuse me for asking rich b ut since your not reading my posts, why do you respond to them?
that kinda makes no sense, its like you want to bre critical yet you are basing it on "feelings" or vibes rather than what I actually wrote. That makes no sense and it will have to disqualify anything you posted since your respeonding to posts your not reading.

why bother?
makes no sense.