Girlfriend seeing other guy

[rustybeast]

On st. patty's day my girlfriend wanted to go out and get drunk. She had friday off and I didn't. I was okay with it except for the fact she said she would be going to an after hours party and probably spending the night. This worried me a bit since she was going out with a group of all guys. So I convinced her to make a compromise with me so she would come home when the bar closed. Well, the next day I woke up and she wasn't home. I was so worried about her I couldn't get any work done and I tried calling her almost every ten minutes. I finally got ahold her around 11:30 am and she explained to me that she didn't feel like trying to drive home because she had drank to much. Okay, I can handle that. I would have appreciated a call that night even to leave me a voicemail telling me she wouldn't come home but okay. So I got home from work and I could tell something was bothering her all night. She wasn't very lovey and seemed to not want to be around me at all. Tired from Work I went to bed around 10:00. She woke me up after midnight and decided to tell me exactly what happened. She went to the after hours party and a guy from her work showed up. This guy, she had explained to me earlier, she had a crush on but weeks before this night she told me her crush was over. Anyway, she had a lot to drink and went with him alone to his house. She told me they made out and lied in bed watching a movie ( she can't remeber witch one). She slept in his bed, with only her underware on. This really hurt me and at that point I had lost all trust in her. Not only because of what she did but because she made me worry all morning about what happened to her. I decided since she told me about it instead of hiding it that I would let it go, she was drunk, she made a mistake. Of course I let it go on the condition she stop hanging out with this guy. I thought this was all over. Wednesday night this week she went up to the bar. I didn't go because I have to work at 5:00 am. I fell asleep for awhile but I woke up a little after 2:00 and noticed she wasn't home yet so , a little worried, I called her. She was drunk as hell and told me she made a wrong turn on our street and would be home in a minute. A half hour went by and I called her again. This time she told me she was lost and sitting in a trailer park trying to figure out which way to go. I tried to help her but she just got mad at me. Almost an hour after that she finally came home and I asked what took so long she just told me she got lost and got upset with me. The next day while she was taking a nap I let my suspicions get the better of me and looked at her phone to see who she called. Sure enough she had tried calling that same guy for the whole time I was worried. She had lied to me about being lost. When I confronted it to her she told me she was sorry and she doesn't know why she was calling him. I asked her if she was trying to go over to his house and got a probably out of her. Then I asked her why she was still hanging out with this guy. She told me she didn't even know how his nuber got into her phone but when I checked his number even was set to a speed dial. I don't know whether to believe her about the fact she hasn't had with him or not. She has lied to me so much already. Should I stay with her??? Chaulk this up to a couple of drunken mistakes??? Or should I go, because I am not sure whether I can ever trust her again. Please help.

[seavidae]

I guess you should leave her and find a serious one!

[rustybeast]

I guess you should leave her and find a serious one!

yea, I think I should but I really do love her and she seems so willing to try her best not to do this anymore. But I think mabey I am being blinded and stupid.

[seavidae]

Well, love is blind. Open your eyes!

[2BDMD]

I don't care how much she gets drunk, spending the night at some guys house only in her thongs, dude, I drop her like last year's Thanksgiving dinner. Are you kidding me? How can you put up with that sh1t?! If a girl respects and loves you, she would not have done that kinds of stuff. Apparently, this is a pre-planned hook up because she knew that this guy would show up at the party!

If you say, "well, we have a history and I love her!", look at the facts, she's cheated and lied to you repeatedly. Obviously the "history" is not on your side here!

Listen, I've a had ex that did the same o routine to me too. She would tell me that she'll come home to me after a night out with a group, but don't show up until the next day or have the courtesy to call. I, too sit there all pissed off all night, can't sleep, wondering what she's up to! I'm glad that she's out of my life and I don't have to deal with that crap any more. That relationship ended with her cheating on me and her getting pregnant by that guy. I was there man, I was banking on the "history", didn't want to leave because of the good , how I didn't want to leave the $4500 breast implants that I bought her, how we have children together, but all those reasons are junk when you don't have trust. Once your girl likes or have thoughts about another man, dude, it's done, especially when she acts on it.

I'm sorry to inform you, your GF likes this other guy. Crush or no crush, she'll be with him again. You can either sit there and take it or a better choice, toughen up and leave that no good cheating girl. If you stay, you'll only hurt yourself more, you'll see.

I know it will be very difficult to leave her, but I assure you, a better girl is out there for you! I'm currently in an amazing relationship with this amazing y, beautiful girl who treats me like how I should be treated. I never thought I would find such girl when I was with my ex. Broke up with my ex, dated like crazy and finally found my y current GF 3 years being single.

[eightball61]

Alcohol does impair thinking but you still have a sense to whats right and whats wrong. If she didn't want to drive home then she could have called you or a taxi to bring her home. She could have gone to get her car in the morning. I don't feel for this girl on bit because she goes outs and drinks, lies to you, and drives drunk on top of all of that.

There is no point in being with her. She lied about St. Patricks day and she is still doing the same thing. She thinks she is getting away wit it but she isn't. You had every right to snoop in her phone. You found she was stil calling the guy so again she lied because she told you about how it was a mistake.

This lieing will keep going as long as you stay. She is afraid to leave for some reason so now you need to do the honors. She has gone way beyond her boundries and its her fault for ruining this relationship. I know you love her but she has no love you if she is going out and doing this. She has no respect for you and thats why you need to leave. You would be considered a fool if you stay.

[seavidae]

Don't live an uncertain relationship... find a girl which will respect you, then you will be happy. It's hard now, but listen me and listen the other people on this forum, you will thank us later :)

[rustybeast]

Appreciate the advice everyone!!! Looking more and more like I should leave her. It is tough for me though being such a clingy person and I guess I am kinda needy for attention. Yes, I know those are the wrong reasons to stay with her, and I am giving it lots of thought so I don't make my decision based on that.

[eightball61]

I guess I am kinda needy for attention.

You can seek attention elsewhere...you may be a needy person but you are not getting the attention you like here so if you need the attention then you need to move on. She is the one that screwed up and still is doig so by hiding things. In my opinion its best you make the decision soon before you get hurt more.

I am sure your goal is to be happy, right? Please correct me if I am wrong......

Being happy is something you are not getting here nor ever will because she has broken that circle of trust. Don't ever blame yourself for what happened because it not your fault. The decision of moving on is the best as you see from other posters. Usually when a person makes a mistake and they know what they did was wrong then they won't go back to it. She done the opposite of that and is showing no respect to anything.

You need to seek happiness for yourself and the only way of doing that is getting rid of the negatives in your life......

[rustybeast]

You can seek attention elsewhere...you ay be a needy person but you are not getting the attention you like here so if you need the attention then you need to move on. She is the one that screwed up and still is doig so by hiding things. In my opinion its best you make the decision soon before you get hurt more.

I am sure your goal is to be happy, right? Please correct me if I am wrong......

Being happy is something you are not getting here nor ever will because she has broken that circle of trust. Don't ever blame yourself for what happened because it not your fault. The decision of moving on is the best as you see from other posters. Usually when a person makes a mistake and they know what they did was wrong then they won't go back to it. She done the opposite of that and is showing no respect to anything.

You need to seek happiness for yourself and the only way of doing that is getting rid of the negatives in your life......


Hmmm, I think you make a very good point with that.

[Rich]

Seems like your GF is smitten with this other guy.

Yes the alcohol is the cause of some of it, but not all of it. She has feelings for him.

IMO.....say goodbye.

Rich

[nichol]

i just wanted to add a couple things...
say this girl did wanna act right and stopped lying (not very good ones at that!) and everything, would u still be able to feel like u did before? if it was me and my b/f was doing that, id still be really untrusting of him and it would make the relationship miserable.
then if she is sleeping with someone else, and being THAT drunk, id be worried that she would give u something!

[rustygirl]

Despite how everyone portrays me: I have been nothing but honest with rusty. I told him about my crush, I told him what happened on St. Patty's Day, I didn't have with the guy although I did kiss him, and I did talk to him on the phone, but mostly I spent the night talking to a friend trying to figure out what in the world I was doing... (the "speed dial" thing was just a fluke... I had JUST cleaned my phone out of old numbers, and my phone automatically puts new numbers in the first available slot... it just happened that one of my true 'speed dial' numbers was free... I had no idea that it worked out that way.) I don't know why I did what I did...Rusty and I have been together a long time, and I never meant to hurt him, and I AM very sorry for what happened. We are currently trying to work things out. Although I work in the same department, the same "team" as the guy, I haven't spoken with him, his number has been taken out of my phone, and everyone who has his number has been asked to not give it to me, just incase I ever try to get it again. But there is more to the story then Rusty explained... it didn't "just" happen that one night I got drunk and hung out with some guy (no, it wasn't planned... he showed up at the after hours party), the entire time Rusty and I have been together, which has been quite some time, nothing like this has happened... I am NOT that sort of person. I'm thinking that perhaps the next time you respond to a post you should ask more about the background of the relationship then just jumping to conclusions about the "other" party. I could have posted myself about the past of our relationship and gotten the same response from the majority of you (I have to admit, some people actually THINK before they post,) "Leave him, he doesn't treat you right, he's controlling...etc.etc." That is my two cents... and for those of you who wonder... yes, Rusty went ahead and let me read the posts and gave me his "permission" to reply.

[daveep]

the entire time Rusty and I have been together, which has been quite some time, nothing like this has happened... I am NOT that sort of person. I'm thinking that perhaps the next time you respond to a post you should ask more about the background of the relationship then just jumping to conclusions about the "other" party.

Presently, your actions negate the history and those actions are all we need to give opinions on your character. Your a lier and a cheat, and you give no reason for your behaivior except "I dont know why i did it" that doesnt cut it.
The history youve had together is just that, history and your relationship will probobly nerver be the same.
Rusty, your future looks bleak with this girl, unless she does some soul seaching and you have longsufering and forgiveness, Its over Rock!

She doesnt deserve you

[rustybeast]

daveep is right. It only takes one screw up to completly ruin the feeling you once had. When I kissed her I didn't even feel anything. It's over. I am tired of sitting around trying to work things out with her when all she is concerned about is how bad she feels. She couldn't even make it up to me right.

[eightball61]

Despite how everyone portrays me: I have been nothing but honest with rusty. I told him about my crush, I told him what happened on St. Patty's Day, I didn't have with the guy although I did kiss him, and I did talk to him on the phone, but mostly I spent the night talking to a friend trying to figure out what in the world I was doing... (the "speed dial" thing was just a fluke... I had JUST cleaned my phone out of old numbers, and my phone automatically puts new numbers in the first available slot... it just happened that one of my true 'speed dial' numbers was free... I had no idea that it worked out that way.) I don't know why I did what I did...Rusty and I have been together a long time, and I never meant to hurt him, and I AM very sorry for what happened. We are currently trying to work things out. Although I work in the same department, the same "team" as the guy, I haven't spoken with him, his number has been taken out of my phone, and everyone who has his number has been asked to not give it to me, just incase I ever try to get it again. But there is more to the story then Rusty explained... it didn't "just" happen that one night I got drunk and hung out with some guy (no, it wasn't planned... he showed up at the after hours party), the entire time Rusty and I have been together, which has been quite some time, nothing like this has happened... I am NOT that sort of person. I'm thinking that perhaps the next time you respond to a post you should ask more about the background of the relationship then just jumping to conclusions about the "other" party. I could have posted myself about the past of our relationship and gotten the same response from the majority of you (I have to admit, some people actually THINK before they post,) "Leave him, he doesn't treat you right, he's controlling...etc.etc." That is my two cents... and for those of you who wonder... yes, Rusty went ahead and let me read the posts and gave me his "permission" to reply.



....ok.....so you were honest with him but that still doesn't excuse what you did to him.

Our actions are going against to what you have done. He came here for advice and he are giving him "honesty" like you did after you decided to cross the boundries of the relationship.

You are the one that broke that circle if trust. You shouldn't be getting mad at us because of your findings of his post and seeing our opinions.

Instead you should be trying to understand why we feel this way...You came clean to him because you thought it was the right thing to do but you did still cross that line and ruined many things to the relationship.

If you want Rusty then you will have to be more accepting than you are now. You have to try to understand and be open to what we have to say. Then, you will have to devote what ever it takes to gain his trust back and I will add too that most people gaining trust back is not an easy task because onc its broken then its like trying to repair a broken heart..

You have to come to the conclusion to what it is you want. You now know somewhat what it's going take if you were to stay with him. Don't get mad that he came here for advice....He came here because he was hurt and lost and needed guidence on what to do next. He didn't do anything wrong.....in the sense he did something right because he wanted to see if the relationship was worth holding onto because many times after one crosses the boundry then many things are doomed in the relationship.

So with all that said what is it that YOU want? Find out what he wants? Then find out his feelings vs.'s your feelings? Once this is pretty much handled then you both will have a better sense to which direction the relationship is going....


---------------------------------------------------------

I also like to mention mention that you talk a lot about what we had to say like leave her or you don't need her. You need to understand that we only get one side of the story here. He has told us his side of the story along with other findings he came across. All we can assume from that is you are hiding something.....You need to put yourself in our character role as the reader and see what we see. You need to be better understand if you want to have more of a future like I stated above. We are just giving advice for him based on "his" encounters to his situation.

[eightball61]

I didn't have with the guy although I did kiss him, and I did talk to him on the phone, but mostly I spent the night talking to a friend trying to figure out what in the world I was doing... (the "speed dial" thing was just a fluke... I had JUST cleaned my phone out of old numbers, and my phone automatically puts new numbers in the first available slot... it just happened that one of my true 'speed dial' numbers was free... I had no idea that it worked out that way.)


In your post you also spend a lot of time protecting what you did. You did kiss this guy but you also failed to mention about laying with your underwear only on with him :eek: why is that???

She slept in his bed, with only her underware on

Rusty wasn't afraid to mention that in his original post and neither should you....

Why is it that you slept with only your underwear on? how did your cloths get removed and why? Do you sleep in your underwear all the time? Even next to strangers? Are you that open?

You were at his guys house or apartment right? Why couldn't you sleep on the floor to respect your relationship? or why not another room? Why couldn't you have a taxi bring you home or call him?

What I am trying to point out is you have left youself way to open for this and this is why these assumptions have been made among the posters. Please don't take this as a slam. What I am trying to process is a better understanding for your action and also to get you to think more about the situation. We all make mistakes and learn from them. This is something that you will have to learn from and hopefully work a way to keep the relationship between you and Rusty going.

[rustygirl]

What I wrote was sort of standard for all of the message boards, (and this as well to some degree) some of which had some really nasty replies that really didn't have much to do with Rusty's question. I never said what I did was okay, it wasn't and I'm truly sorry about it. Our past has nothing to do with making what I did okay, nothing makes it okay... I was just pointing out that if I had posted about our relationship I'd have gotten the same response from the majority of those who post "leave". Very few seem to give an real advice about trying to work it out and how that might be possible. It seems that everyone is just up for dumping a relationship when it gets rocky. I made a mistake, (okay TWO, with lots of extra little problems thrown in,) but I have done everything I can think of to try and make it right. I am trying to be honest with him, I am doing everything he's asked of me. I know I have to work hard to re-earn his trust but that's the point, I have to be around in order to have a chance to build that back up.. I don't know if I'd have been as forgiving and understanding as Rusty has been if the situation were reversed. He's amazing, and I probably don't deserve him, but I'm going to do everything I can to keep him. Normally I don't sleep in anything, and there's a lot of "why didn't I" questions... I present them to myself all the time. Maybe I had a good reason for it in my head at one point, but I don't know what that might have been. I really don't know. and I realize that doesn't cut it, but that's where I'm at. There are only a few things I'm fairly certain of, one, that I wish I could make the whole thing have never happened, and two, that Rusty at least gives me the chance to make it up to him. From the looks of it though, that's not going to happen, but as long as there is a chance, I'm not going ANYWHERE!

P.S.- There is a lot of stuff I didn't include in my post. My original post was 3 times the size of Rusty's original, I tried to chop it down as much as possible.

[Rich]

Often times when responding to posts, you take what is given, add your own experiences and personal views, then respond.

What would you like us to know about you? That you were in a long term relationship with someone and that you developed a crush on someone else while in that relationship? That you drink to excess, lose perspective and control, then do things that you shouldn't be doing? That you lie to the person that you say that you care about the most?

You might not like the description of you that was portrayed here, but that's what was presented. Are you saying that this is not accurate? It appears to be true from what you both have written.

So, what can we guage from this? IMO....if you were as committed to this relationship as you claim, then you wouldn't have a wondering eye and develop "crushes" on other men. By developing crushes on other men, it typically means that you're not totally satisfied or happy with the man that you're with. If you were totally happy, then you wouldn't be dreaming or falling for other men.

Something is lacking in your boyfriend in your eyes and heart. For some reason your heart/soul/gut is guiding you to keep looking. Only you can truly answer to yourself as to why it is that you're still looking. It seems that that "ONE" special feeling or thing that locks two people together, seems to either be missing or has left your relationship? And you know that deep within you, don't you?

The fact that you lied to your partner and spent hours talking to the guy that you "slept" with and had a crush on, doesn't say much to your credability or trust worthiness. The first night you slept with him, you could blame the booze, but what about that next Wednesday? Was it the booze then too?

And that's a catch 22 for you because if you say yes, it was the booze, then you show a lack of self control and your boyfriend DOES need to be worried everytime that you go out and drink.

If you say that you sitting in your car talking to this guy for hours had nothing to do with booze, then you're admitting that you made a SOBER, conscious decision to go against your BF again, lie and chose another guy over him. What does THAT tell us?

If the shoe was on the other foot, what would you think of your BF if he did that to you?

Obviously you DO have some strong feelings for your BF. But from the outside looking in, those feelings aren't strong enough to make this relationship last forever and that's where THIS respondent is coming from.

If your BF is looking for a person to spend the rest of his life with, it's obvious to this person at least, that it won't happen with you. That is why I chose to offer up the opinion that he leave you.

Because of all the outside pressures and situations that arise over the course of a relationship, over half of them don't work out even when both people were 100% totally committed to each other when they started out. The chances of your relationship working out long term (marriage of 30-50 years), are slim to none when you're not even 100% committed before you start.

And don't even reply that you're 100% committed to your BF because you wouldn't have done what you did if you were. Would you stay with someone that wasn't 100% committed to YOU?

So, you can be upset over what was written here that your BF should dump you without us getting the other side of the story. But people are seeing this for what it's worth and they judging that, long term, this relationship isn't destined to last. With that thought in mind then, why stay in the relationship and stay with you? It's just prolonging the inevitable.

Just my opinion.

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[eightball61]

Very few seem to give an real advice about trying to work it out and how that might be possible.


Again, you are not seeing the view of a readers mind. I have a one stike-only rule and if I got cheated on then my girlfriend would be out the door. I am very accepting when it comes to other people though because we all view things differently. My view is for him to leave is because (as I mentioned before) from what he stated before about his finds.

If you both find a way to work it out then that be great. What I have been mentioning and still will mention is that things will still be hard because he won't be able to regain your trust so easy. You will have to play by his rules in order to try to make things work. This means, those days of going out with friends alone may be over for a long time. If you really want this to happen then you will have to be accepting and patient to everything.

I can't say for sure if thing will succeed or fail but it doesn't hurt to try. Only the future will tell what is meant by the both of you.

The only thing that I still don't understand is that Rusty is everything to you but you developed feelings for another guy and decided to get drunk and allow what happened.... :confused: Why is that?

[icanhelp]

ok... i may be young , but i do go to parties every once in a while and i want to start by saying that it took guts to tell you what she did, but if she can remember it then it wasnt a mistake no matter how drunk you are you still know whats going on and that is just an excuse for saying you caught me oh shit. now about the getting lost that is a bunch of crap especialy sence she was calling him, not to be mean only straight forword... she is cheating on you with another man and you should not put your self through all of her crap, now i know people make mistakes but the same mistake doesnt happen twice you know its wrong the second time around.and if she cares about you the way she says then she wouldnt have called him or gone partying again with hin.also the fact is she lied straight to you face and now she needs to relize what she has done. i really think you need to brake it off...sorry

[luvme4ever]

I say you guys should take a break from each other. You seem like a very caring person, and when u care so much.. the gurl feels like she can step on u. If I were you, I teach her a good lesson.. go for the break, the apart time will tell u both the answer u're looking for.