Need your help for my daughters peace of mind

[lifeneeded]

My daughter (who is in High School) has been dating her boyfriend (who graduated in May) for 10 months and they have had a very close relationship but without . She wants to wait, thank goodness, but he wishes he didn't have to wait but said he would for her. Over Christmas break his long time friend who is a girl and who he once dated, came back to town and will be going back to college soon. This girl has told him that she wants him to be more than just friends with her. He says he only thinks of her as his best friend and like a sister and wants nothing more. Since she has been in town, he has been spending a lot of time with her and sometimes one on one. He made a comment one night that he might crash at this girls house because they may stay up late talking. She only lives like 2 minutes from his house! He says he wants to spend time with her since she won't be in town long. My daughter is also on winter break, but from High School, for only 2 weeks, and she looked forward to being able to spend some time with her boyfriend since she is so busy during school. She has hardly spent any time with him since he is spending so much time with this girl and occasionally with other guy friends home from college on break. He will never take his girlfriend, my daughter, with him when he sees this girl even though my daughter has asked him to. My daughter has never met this girl but has asked to so she won't feel jealous, but he won't introduce them.

Do you think my daughter is justified in feeling concerned about all the time he is spending with this girl? My daughter feels, and we agree, that since he used to have a relationship with this girl and since she still wants to be with him, that he should not be spending so much time with her and if he does see her, his girlfriend, my daughter, should be present. He feels that my daughter should not ask him not to see this girl. We feel that if he loves my daughter as much as he says he does that there shouldn't be a problem here, his choice should be clear. He should care about how she feels and only see this girl in a group setting and when my daughter is present. If he and this girl had always ONLY been friends and this girl didn't have feelings for him and had a boyfriend of her own, then that would be different. His mother and friends see nothing wrong with what he is doing and are encouraging him to continue seeing this girl. Our family and friends feel that it is wrong.

This is where you come in. Let me know your opinion on this situation. As much as I would have liked to put all my feelings into this, I feel I gave you all the facts in an unbiased way since we will be sharing it with my daughters
boyfriend.

I would greatly appreciate as many replies as possible! Thank you in advance for your help!

[eightball61]

Your daughter and you must be very close to know such personal detail. As for him Id be concerned too however they are young and have a lot to learn about relationships and as a mom you should know this. The guidence should be to be there as her mom and a friend however she'll have to learn like we all do.

[PrincessB]

This is an opportunity to teach your daughter about honor, self-respect, standards, and boundaries. ie: Sleepovers with the opposite are unacceptable no matter how often they see each other, whether he just sees her as a friend, no matter how far they live from one another. U-N-A-C-C-E-P-T-A-B-L-E!

Of course trust is important in a relationship but this matter isn't about trust. He refuses to introduce the girls which tells me he knows its wrong and the boy is dishonoring your daughter. How important is your daughter's honor? You know that a man in love with a woman doesn't disregard his affection's feelings and have sleepovers with other women. Not at any age.

You are exactly right that it would only be appropriate for him to interact with this girl in a group or the presence of your daughter. Nothing he tells your daughter matters because his actions speak louder than any words. You can't tell your daughter who to date but this guy is no good if he knows he's hurting her and continues with a girl he knows has other intentions. He probably trusts this "friend", because guys are that naive at any age. Unfortunately he has yet to learn that females and males see friendships differently, and although he doesn't have to stop being friends with the girl, he certainly should have set boundaries...He should have introduced the girls in the beginning.

Even if he isn't a slimeball and is only acting as he has because he doesn't want to hurt his friend's feelings, what he is doing is wrong. He is playing these girls by his actions whether that is his intent or not. Somebody is going to get hurt and he's already demonstrated whose feelings he would prefer to save.

She is probably going to disagree and say he loves her but that's young love and we've all been there. She is definitely going to get hurt if this carries on and all you can do is be there for her and hold your tongue when you get the urge to say an "I told you so".