my man made a website with girls...

[nichol]

i havent posted before but i found this site and thought id see if anyone had any advice for me...
i have been seeing this guy off and on for a couple years now, but more seriously for bout the last six months. we have some mutual friends, and one of the guys told me that my guy made a website and took pictures of girls in their underwear and posted them. i figured out the site and checked it out. it pretty much just had some girls in their underwear in the tour part and it was 10 bucks to join (i didnt of course!). I was a little upset that he has never told me about this but i was like whatever its just underwear pictures, even though it looked like one was taken in the bat of my guys house.
then he went out of town and i was at his house taking care of some things and i noticed his digital camera wasnt where it usually was...it was like he was hiding it cuz it was in the closet (yeah i know i shouldnt be nosey!) so i looked at the pictures in it...it had about 12 shots of the same girl and she got all the way ! it didnt say when the shots were taken. the pictures were also taken in one of the bedrooms in my guys house, the one with the computer and a bed for his child from a past relationship. the camera was in this box with these consent forms that were filled out by different girls to be on his site. now i feel like im a little more upset...i wouldnt be so much if it didnt seem like he was tryin to hide it. im not sure if i should bring it up to him and how i should...i thought about bring it up to him like i knew a girl that did it.
plus it makes me wonder about how he always asks if he can take my picture and what hed do with it...
i dont know...any thoughts would be nice to hear! maybe im overreactting...
thanks...

[eightball61]

Good thing is here you are just seeing this guy. I know you mentioned that you have been more serious in the last six months but I don't think he is/or has been. I am not going to tell you what to do here because I am going to allow commonsense to hit here

Think about this though:

1. This guy is lieing to you( he never told you about this)
2. This is cheating and again he lies because he is not saying anything about it.
3. He is sneaking around and again he is lieing

These above are just examples of his wrong doing I picked out from your post. Its sad to hear that you heard about this site through a friend. If I was in your position I would bring it up to him and get him caught off guard to see his reaction so next time you are with him then grab a computer and pull up his page with him there with you and see what he says.

Either way he is a dirty bum. I am very glad though he hasn't gotten you to do that because you could be posted on the web. He has a very sick fetish and I find it very hard to believe he will just stop if you ask him to. Your goal is to have a partner that you can trust and you are not getting it here. You need to make a decision thats right and healthy for you....so what is it going to be???

In another thread you replied to a thread and stated " id still be really untrusting of him and it would make the relationship miserable." You need to follow your own advice here because he has broken the trust and it will be so hard to regain the trust after what this guy has done and still is doing.

[Rich]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Is this a nice guy who is just trying to get rich off of the internet, or is this guy a perve? So, is he a degenerate or not?

I feel that if this is on the up and up that you should be able to talk to him about it. If he's honestly just trying to make some easy money (and on the interent is a way to do that), then he should come clean and be honest with you about it. I think by having girls sign consent forms, that he's sort of doing this on the up and up.

Maybe he's embarrassed by it and that's why he's hiding it from you.

The only way to find out what's really going on is to ask him and threaten him to be honest about it. That it is a relationship breaker if he can't or won't be honest with you.

Hopefully these girls that he's taking pictures of are of legal age? As for him taking pictures of you, that's something that you're going to have to be comfortable with. Chances are, that they might find there way onto his site.

IMO the bottom line is that if your relationship isn't strong enough for you to be asking these questions or addressing this issue, then it's not strong enough to last forever and you should break it off.

Rich

[inquisitive]

I personally think there is no reason for him not to have told you if it's not a big deal. Maybe he is embarassed about it and that's why he hasn't told you. If you are comfortable with it as long as he's not hiding it then talk to him about it. If your just not comfortable with it tell him, and see what he says. IF he says he's going to keep doing it then this is probably the best time to end it before you get really serious.

[MissCheivious]

I think the first thing you should ask yourself is how does him doing this make you feel? Does it feel perverted to you? Is that the kind of thing you want to have to deal with? I agree with eightball61 on this one, it's a bit gross. That's just my opinion though. You're always going to have to wonder what he does to get these girls to show their bodies (whether you ask him outright or not) and if you might end up on his site. Him not telling you is a big sign that he knows it's not the most moral thing to do and that he's fairly certain it will upset you. It's all up to you really. I think dishonesty this early into being serious is not a good sign but, you know this guy and that's your call. Whatever choice you make, good luck. :)

[nichol]

thanks for all your advice. yeah i do feel like its a little ridiculous and i wonder why these girls would go to his house and get . i know he probably meets them at clubs cuz hes a DJ.
i do wanna talk to him about it and see how he reacts. if he is open with me about it and tells me more about it id feel a LITTLE better, but i dont want a guy im with to be having girls over at his house while he takes pictures...especially since in the box of consent forms i found a piece of paper with the words "CAN U MAKE YOURSELF CUM?" on it.
i feel like that kinda stuff like takin pictures is something that a couple might do to experiment but not a guy having a box full of folders with them...i mean there were like at least 20-25 folders with consent forms and poloroids of girls in thongs, then the camera with the girl gettin . the only reason im not really really mad is cuz all of the pictures that have dates were from a few months before we really started talkin more seriously. because it was him that had asked me to be with him in Dec, the latest date on the pics were from september.
the more i think about it the more i dont think im the least bit ok with it. i just dont know how to bring it up without him knowin that i snooped through his stuff while he was out of town.
i did think of sayin that i knew a girl that asked if i did it cuz she did. cuz one of the folders had pictures of a girl i went to high school with! anyone got any ideas of how to bring it up?
and it makes me even more mad cuz he asked me to help him get his internet hooked up so the bill is in my name and hes doing this crap!

[eightball61]

This is a major trust issue here.... IF and I mean IF this was a real job to him then 1. He needs to come clean to you 2. You will need to make a decision whether if you can handle it or not. and 3. You will need to trust him all the way....

I will say its going to be hard to trust him because he has not yet told you about his side job. All we can determine is that he is "just" taking pictures of these girls. He is being professional by having consent forms but thats only to save his back from the law. I do wonder though what kind of mind state these girl are in since they may be coming home from a bar? Alcohol and the tease of often don't mix....I ain't saying he s cheating but I wouldn't doubt if you have that feeling of something going on.

For now though approach him with it and see what he says. At that point you can determine where to go with things...Keep us posted. ;)

[Rich]

Just ask!

Be opened and honest and just ask. Tell him that you saw something and then you found other things that have you concerned.

As the person on the internet account you have a right to know.

I would def get your name off of the account though!

Just come right out and ask him.

Rich

[nichol]

the thing is that i found this stuff when i was snooping around, and i shouldnt have been doing that so i know hed be mad i invaded his privacy.
i dont think its girls that go home with him after the bar cuz i found a schedule book with names and times. since december, i usually go to his house after the bar so i know he doesnt take anyone home...i also found a folder with receipts of camera stuff and victorias secret stuff! im like what? u buy their underwear!?!
i am really bothered by this and do think its a little perverted...
with my name being on the bill for the internet (and cable) if he doesnt do all the stuff legally, does anyone know if i could get in trouble?
i was thinkin of sayin that the girl i knew from HS talked to me and since she seen me with him asked if he's taken pics of me to put on the site...and say i was curious to what that was all about...cuz i dont wanna tell on myself for snoopin!
im sure he knows it would upset me, and im sure if it was the other way around he would be upset. cuz he got upset at me one night for talkin to a guy at a bar when it was someone i knew from years ago...

[eightball61]

Ok....YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM NOW.........

You did not invade anything of his because with him not telling you the trueth then you earned the right to snoop.

I see to many redflags here that would really make me double think about the future of the relationship. Being in a relationship you want someone that is honest to you and that you can trust. This guy has lacked honesty and has broken the trust.

Its is up to you whether if you stay or not but I wouldn't want to stick with it because of the factors I have listed. It could be just a job to him but he should have been honest about it. I don't buy that he may have been too embarressed to tell you because if he really thought about the wrong then he would have stopped or at least came clean to what he does.

Remember this is just my opinion....So take the next step in seeing what he says.....

[Rich]

IMO don't compound the issue with more lies. Just be honest and say you found some stuff which concerned you and then you snooped around and found more.

Say that you know it was wrong to snoop, but that you're glad that you did in the end. Then adultly confront him with what you found. If you attack, he'll get defensive, so don't say it attackingly.

When you tell him that you found stuff, what's he going to do, get on his high horse about you snooping and cop an attitude about it? I don't think so! He'll be more concerned about the issue that you're raising. You both in the wrong so he won't, or shouldn't get pissed at you.

If he does make your snooping around as the focal point of the argument to divert attention away from what you found, then he definately is hiding something. He's changing the subject to avoid discussing it.

The bottom line is that either he has a fetish to photograph women in underwear or he's trying to start up a site. Either way you have a problem with it. So, if he says that he won't change, then what are you going to do? Avoiding the issue is just wasting time and isn't going to make it go away. So just address it.

To summize. Either he quits what he is doing or you're going to have to leave him. Is that about it?

So you need to know now if he'll stop what he's doing. No time like the present.

Good luck

Rich

[nichol]

hopefully im gonna talk to him tonight cuz he gets back into town. i still dont know how i wanna approach it though :( this sucks...
yes i do feel like i want him to stop it or im done with him. cuz i feel like takin pictures and stuff like that should be something that a couple can do for fun not to have a bunch of girls come over and strip ...all this has just made me feel so miserable!
thanks for everyones advice!

[eightball61]

How do you honestly feel about the situation? I mean does it bother you that he makes appointments to have girls come over to get for him?

Is this something you can handle going into a longterm relationship? Do you trust he doesn't do anything with these girls or at least some of them?

I know you stated that you will leave if he doesn't stop but I guess I am trying to dig a little deeper on how you feel....


Please tell me more about your thoughts to this, if you can??.....Thank You ;)

[nichol]

I feel like this is something that i dont want to have going on in my relationship. if im with a guy he doesnt need to have girls coming to his house to get even if it does make him a little extra cash. from what ive seen for far it looks like hes probably spent more setting it up. i mean where did he even get this idea? maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if they were shooting in an actual studio with other people around but from the looks of it its just him shooting the pics.
i really dont think i could handle a long term relationship with that involved. i feel like pictures like that should be something that a couple takes of each other if they want for fun, not involving other people.
i dont know if i trust that he doesnt do anything with these girls. i feel like he must feel insecure and maybe guilty bout something cuz he seems to ask me a lot if im "giving up the booty to someone else" or that kinda jealousy stuff. u know what i mean?
it really does bother me a lot, i mean i can handle finding magazines or movies but the fact that theres actual girls comin over getting , i cant handle. one of the girls was sitting on his bed in his bedroom, she was clothed but it was a short skirt with a thong under it. it makes me not even wanna sit on his bed or anything.
then i think bout how about a month ago he bought a box of 3 s, i cant remember if we used 2 or 3, but he seen i had a box of 12 at my house (with 1 gone from a past relationship) and he was askin me bout why 1 was missing, and then he said he didnt have anymore and we needed to use mine. while i was being snoopy i found 1 of his under his mattress and i dont know if its the same from the box we had (it is the same kind and brand, with an orange wrapper)...so maybe we just used 2...and he found that one. i dont know this whole thing with the website has really made me doubt a lot more stuff...
then his bday is comin up saturday and i havent gotten him anything and i just think why should i? hes not acting right and i dont even know if i wanna be in this anymore cuz of everything...im so tempted to just go get that internet shut off... :confused: sorry for all the rambling this just sucks! i hate relationships!
plus the way he acts sometimes i just wanna threaten to give his house key back and to stop seein each other to see if he even cares. cuz we got into a little argument last night...he always has to act so damn sarcastic and i think i set the pace for that in the beginning cuz i always acted like that towards him but now when i try not to he does it to me...

[eightball61]

I feel like this is something that i dont want to have going on in my relationship. if im with a guy he doesnt need to have girls coming to his house to get even if it does make him a little extra cash. from what ive seen for far it looks like hes probably spent more setting it up. i mean where did he even get this idea? maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if they were shooting in an actual studio with other people around but from the looks of it its just him shooting the pics.
i really dont think i could handle a long term relationship with that involved. i feel like pictures like that should be something that a couple takes of each other if they want for fun, not involving other people.
i dont know if i trust that he doesnt do anything with these girls. i feel like he must feel insecure and maybe guilty bout something cuz he seems to ask me a lot if im "giving up the booty to someone else" or that kinda jealousy stuff. u know what i mean?
it really does bother me a lot, i mean i can handle finding magazines or movies but the fact that theres actual girls comin over getting , i cant handle. one of the girls was sitting on his bed in his bedroom, she was clothed but it was a short skirt with a thong under it. it makes me not even wanna sit on his bed or anything.
then i think bout how about a month ago he bought a box of 3 s, i cant remember if we used 2 or 3, but he seen i had a box of 12 at my house (with 1 gone from a past relationship) and he was askin me bout why 1 was missing, and then he said he didnt have anymore and we needed to use mine. while i was being snoopy i found 1 of his under his mattress and i dont know if its the same from the box we had (it is the same kind and brand, with an orange wrapper)...so maybe we just used 2...and he found that one. i dont know this whole thing with the website has really made me doubt a lot more stuff...
then his bday is comin up saturday and i havent gotten him anything and i just think why should i? hes not acting right and i dont even know if i wanna be in this anymore cuz of everything...im so tempted to just go get that internet shut off... :confused: sorry for all the rambling this just sucks! i hate relationships!


Rambling is an ok thing to do. We are hear to listen so ramble anytime ;) I asked those questions because everything I wanted to hear is what you said in your reply. I know his B-day is coming up and thats what makes this all really hard.

You have something to do though. A birthday is special to celebrate but right now that needs to be put on hold until you approach him about your findings. You mneed to tell him how it makes you feel and also what you expect out of his as a boyfriend. You need to make this all clear to him. If you think you may lock up then write yourself some notes to refer to when you approach him about this.

Like Rich said, you have to take the adult approach here and talk to him like an adult. As far as I am concerned he is the one that set himself up for this by not telling you. Just be strong and stand up for what you beleive in. You need to approach him about this or else it will continue on.....


When you see him tonight are you just talking over the phone or is he actually coming over?

[nichol]

well ill probably go to his house.
im not sure when his plane is coming in but i texted him a couple hours ago and havent heard anything back. i get off at 5 so i will probably try callin him then. cuz i wanna go over and talk to him plus hes been outta town a few days now...
tonight is a night that he DJ's at a club that has amateur strip night, i usually go (not to strip!). but i wanna talk to him before going there tonight.
last week i remember a couple girls up in his DJ area and he came to talk to me and i hadnt even really paid attention, he was like dont get mad! i was like why? some other guy was up there with the girls. he acts like im the one thats so jealous when i think he is a lot of the time.
he has been there for me when i had some problems and i was surprised he stuck around but i just dont feel like he really treats me special like i wanna be treated.
i thought about just writing him like a letter and giving it to him but didnt know if that seemed to high school'ish. cuz sometimes when i talk to him he just sits there and doesnt seem like a very good listener.
i just feel so tempted to hand him the key and be like ok im done and not offer anything further...(and get the cable and internet outta my name! oh well he paid like 105 dollars to connect it for a couple weeks!)

[eightball61]

First thing first..When you see him talk to him in a private place only like at your house or his. You don't want to do it at the club. Your goal is to talk to him about this before anything else so if you don't hear from him tonight don't go to the club. Just text him saying you are not in the mood to go and you will talk to him tomorrow. You need to set a time with him for this talk. Don't give him hints that you need to have this talk. You want to catch him off guard so he doesn't have time to prepare an excuse for you. When you get a hold of him just ask him to see him before he goes to DJ or the best time to see him other than the club.

[nichol]

yeah its kinda tickin me off that he hasnt let me know when hes gonna be back yet.
if i dont see him i think i might just go to the club with some friends and not approach him or anything.
lol thats funny u say that bout not lettin him know so he cant make excuses, cuz i was thinkin the same thing. just act normal so he doesnt suspect anything lol...

[eightball61]

Acting normal is the way to go and approach him out of the blue. You do need to make this known as soon as possible though so if you go to the club ask him about seeing him after either going out for a late night coffee or going back to his place. Rememeber all you need to do is make a list on what to say just in case you have a mental block. Keep you head high and confidence high and you will do just fine ;)

[nichol]

thanks...i hope so! ill post about how it goes!

[eightball61]

I will be waiting :D

[Rich]

IMO it sounds like you're frustrated and at the end of your rope, sort of speak. Even though I can't hear you, I can sort of get that feeling from your writings.

I think you know and we know, that you already pretty much have it in your head what you're going to do. I think that you already also have it in your heart as to what you want to do. So why go through the heartache of discussing this with your BF and the run around that you're going to get from him? Just break it off, end it and save some mental heartache.

And please don't feel that all relationships suck, because they don't. Hopefully you'll find one soon that has most of the core ingredients that go into making a great relationship and then fine tuning the rest of it from there. There are a lot of solid guys out there from which to build with and hopefully you'll come across one of my better brethren.

Rich

[nichol]

hey eightball and rich, thanks for all your help!
yeah i am really frustrated and i cant stand this. last night at the club he works at he was drinkin a lot cuz his bday is comin up...and he seemed worse than anything. i swear i seen him touchin on a girl. then he says im jealous cuz i was standing by the dj area but some of his friends were there and i was talkin to them too.
we ended up gettin in a fight afterwards at his house about this stuff and him sayin i was jealous. i was like forget it, ill give u the key back and shut the cable and internet off and im done and i slammed the door and left. then we talked on the phone and he was acttin like he didnt care. then he said that i never talk about anything, im guessin bout how i feel bout stuff. so i started tryin to but it was really hard then cuz i was so pissed. then hes like well we can talk bout it tomorrow.
then today he sent me a text message some forward thing, and i sent one back sayin ure not still upset? he said no. then i called and now hes supposed to call me after he gets home from work (not the DJing) and we're gonna talk about stuff.
i know i should break it off. but when i thought about not talkin to him i just felt horrible last night.
i dont know, i guess im gonna see how the talk goes...

[eightball61]

i dont know, i guess im gonna see how the talk goes...


You will know more once you both talk. You need to have this talk to go over things. You also need to bring up your findings. Him calling you jealous at the club wa uncalled for since you now know what he does on the side. Tonight let this be the night and right down stuff if you need guidence. ;) Goodluck

[nichol]

uh...so we didnt get to everything. we talked a little about the relationship. and he seemed to be kissin my butt today. i told him that i feel like he treats others better than me and he denied it of course but seemed to act better towards me. im still wondering if hes being nice now since i threatened to leave and disconnect his cable and internet. he had to go to his brothers so i just came home cuz i have to get up early.
i feel like i know what i wanna say but freeze up when im in front of him even though thats how i wanna tell him. and id feel kinda funny pullin out a piece of paper to tell him stuff...hes supposed to call me when he gets back from his brothers if its not too late. maybe i can get more off my chest then.
when i asked him what he wanted he said he liked it how it was and didnt wanna label it. funny, a few months back when he asked me to be in a relationship i said that, so i called him on usin what i said! he said something about caring and was askin me who i cared about. he asked me if i cared about one of his friends! im like what? i think hes insecure a lot. i wish i woulda just said no i care about u...but i couldnt get that out. im gonna tell him though...hopefully ill have enough courage when i talked to him later...cuz this is driving me crazy!

[eightball61]

..cuz this is driving me crazy!


It will drive you crazy until you tell him. I wouldn't do it over the phone though. I would just wait till the next time you see him either at your house or his. You need to approach this the adult way. You need to stand up for yourself and you also need to express how you feel about. Its very tough to bring up but its something that needs to be done.

He will continue this until you bring it up to him. Once you bring it up to him, his reactions will show how important keeping the relationship is to him....

[icanhelp]

pros:1 if you bring it up you could get to the bottom of it
2 you might be able to save some greif if you talk about it
cons:1 he might be mad at you snooping
2 he probably is cheating on you
3after getting to the bottom you might not like what you get
4 he could make up a story to get you to leave it alone and continue to cheat
sry

[nichol]

so we talked a little more today...on the phone. i told him bout how the other night made me mad and i didnt wanna deal with that again. cuz i swear he was feeling up on these 2 girls. he denied that he was and said that was why he liked to be single cuz im making a big deal out of nothing, and that i need to go more with the flow. that he wasnt going to change anything. he said he didnt care if i talked to other guys...which doesnt go with his actions cuz when i do go out he questions where i go and who i go with. i dont get this cuz he says that stuff then he does seemed concerned bout where i am and stuff. he pretty much seemed like he didnt care if we talked or not...
now im wishin i didnt get his bday presant! should unwrap it and take it back...
it just sucks cuz i dont understand why a few months ago he wanted to be in a relationship with me and when i said i didnt know, then we kept talking more and got closer and then when i want to be he doesnt...this sucks!

[icanhelp]

every story ends up like this... well heres the deel you need to end it. take the gift back. he obviously doesnt care about your feelings and isnt treating you the way a woman should be treated... you deserve better... if you want advice personally from me email me at we_own_you01@yahoo.com :)

[nichol]

yeah i think im realizing that...
tonight i gave him the gift (a shirt and a candle) and he was just like i cant wear that size, and the candle hes like whyd u pick that scent? no thanks nothing. then when i said id return the shirt he said something bout giving it to "my other men".
then even after that we were gonna "mess around" and he said he didnt have any s. ever since he seen i had a box hes been expecting me to have them with me. we had bought a box of 3 and i couldnt remember if we used 2 or 3. he swore we used all them and maybe hes right. but that doesnt explain why one is under his mattress and he didnt say anything bout it. i wanted to pull it out and be like whats this?! but i didnt...god this sucks. :(

[eightball61]

When are you going to mention the website to him? Remember, that was your main concern.

[icanhelp]

it sounds to me like he is playing you ...and hes winning now you need to relize whats happening ...the under his bed is for if one of the girls come over he has one and doesnt use yours and you find out

[nichol]

i dont know when or if im gonna mention the website. i cant handle anymore fighting. wed. night before the fight he said he had a . so i think im gonna play that off that way, and say u said u had one under your mattress. what happened and whered it come from if we used all the ones we had. last night i sent him an email about how i felt. probably will read it and not email me back or something. i dont know i feel horrible. the last 7 months have been horrible for me and he had been there and thats why this is hard cuz i feel like the last few days things have changed...

[eightball61]

If you can't handle it anymore then just end it. You will save a big headache if you end it now. IF you don't then why are you holding on?

[icanhelp]

you need to get out before you get hurt more than you already have

[nichol]

thank u for all the advice. i know i should end it before i get hurt more. i guess thats gonna be easier said than done. the thing that holds me there is that he knows something about me that i dont want to have to tell the next guy, and he still accepted me. this problem makes me feel not as desirable anymore and like it will be hard to get someone else, and i know thats not a good reason to stay in a crappy relationship, if u wanna call it that. but its just that without him i feel so alone and before this problem it wouldnt bother me as much but now i feel stuck.

[eightball61]

but now i feel stuck.


thats why you need to get it out or else you will be stuck.