Forbidden Love ?

[JessicaLi]

Hello pals,

I'm Jessica from Singapore. ;) I stumbled upon this forum in a search for relationship help.

I am currently in a relationship with 2 men. 1 - a married man, for a year now. 2 - my classmate, for 2 months, in an attempt to move on from Mr. Married.

However, I have not been able to move on, with each meeting with Mr. Classmate leaving me yearning for Mr. Married more, realising that Mr. Married is irreplaceable.

Mr. Classmate is aware of my feelings for Mr. Married, but he loves me too much to let me go, and has been a great 'boyfriend' so far. However, i get frustrated with him over petty matters.

A half and hour drink with Mr. Married forthnightly perks me up so much, leaving me smiling each time I think of him.

Mr. Married has been perfect, besides being married. I never want him to leave his wife, for fear of hurting his 2 adorable young children. He has voiced thoughts of leaving his wife, but i'm against it.

It's such a bittersweet feeling, wanting the best for him, yet knowing what's best for him is me out of the picture. I have been wanting to leave the picture, but I just can't.

I do not know if he loves me, but he definitely cares a lot for me. He feels it is unfair to say he loves me, when he has a wife.

I can go on like this forever, just having bits of him now and then. We are so discreet, we will probably never be found out.

Could someone pls advise ? - Maybe a way to stop loving Mr. Married and start falling for Mr. Classmate ?

Jessica

[eightball61]

I can't make you stop having feelings for someone but I can try to help on moving on :D First I like to say welcome to the boards ;)

Now, the goal is to get your mind off from Mr. Married. I will say when having deep feelings for someone its not going to be easy at letting go. You will need to stop all forms of communication with him and you will need to explain this to him. You need to allow yourself to move on. You will need to detach yourself from this situation.

You goal is to be with one person and one person only. How would you like it being married and your man has another little toy on the side?


You probably wouldn't like it to much so that just goes to show that its not worth being with Mr. Married man. The other negative about being with him is (that I am assuming) he is most likely using you. Most married men do not leave thier wives when they cheat. They may promise you the world but never follow through.

Your goal should be committed to one person and also to have a plan for the future. Mr. Married will not be able to give you a future. All he can supply is happiness for himself and you having fun enjoying single life.

If you are not ready to be committed yet then just enjoy the freedom of dating around and have fun. The only thing I will advise though is you still drop all communication with Mr. Married because its just not right what you both are doing.

Your target goal is Mr. Classmate. Your feelings will come naturally so don't force them. You need to focus cutting ties with Mr. Married then work on seeing Mr. Classmate more. Mr. Classmate may be your savior to a broken heart since he is trying to cut in between you and Mr. Married. You need to take this other opportunity before you lose out on this. Mr. Married has nothing to offer you except maybe a good time but you can get that with anyone else.

Hope this helps :)

[SALly]

I know how you feel, believe me, I know. I'm sorry. I don't know of anything that will help, I wish I did.

[Diablo]

There is no future with married people; however, it sounds as though Mr. Classmate doesn't exactly light your fire. Perhaps he could lie and tell you he's married. J/K. You are not in love with Mr. Married. That is the thrill of partaking of forbidden fruit. If you just want to date around, you can see both Mr. Classmate and Mr. Married; however, you could end up on the wrong end of a gun if Mrs. Married finds out. My advice is to quit seeing Mr. Married whatever else you do.

[JessicaLi]

I know how you feel, believe me, I know. I'm sorry. I don't know of anything that will help, I wish I did.

Sally, if you have been in a similiar situation, i hope you have moved on since. Thanks for empathizing. :)

[JessicaLi]

I can't make you stop having feelings for someone but I can try to help on moving on :D First I like to say welcome to the boards ;)

Now, the goal is to get your mind off from Mr. Married. I will say when having deep feelings for someone its not going to be easy at letting go. You will need to stop all forms of communication with him and you will need to explain this to him. You need to allow yourself to move on. You will need to detach yourself from this situation.

You goal is to be with one person and one person only. How would you like it being married and your man has another little toy on the side?


You probably wouldn't like it to much so that just goes to show that its not worth being with Mr. Married man. The other negative about being with him is (that I am assuming) he is most likely using you. Most married men do not leave thier wives when they cheat. They may promise you the world but never follow through.

Your goal should be committed to one person and also to have a plan for the future. Mr. Married will not be able to give you a future. All he can supply is happiness for himself and you having fun enjoying single life.

If you are not ready to be committed yet then just enjoy the freedom of dating around and have fun. The only thing I will advise though is you still drop all communication with Mr. Married because its just not right what you both are doing.

Your target goal is Mr. Classmate. Your feelings will come naturally so don't force them. You need to focus cutting ties with Mr. Married then work on seeing Mr. Classmate more. Mr. Classmate may be your savior to a broken heart since he is trying to cut in between you and Mr. Married. You need to take this other opportunity before you lose out on this. Mr. Married has nothing to offer you except maybe a good time but you can get that with anyone else.

Hope this helps :)

Thanks Eightball61, it has been really helpful. I do not wish for it to end up in a compete cut in communication, but I do not know how feasible that will be. I have tried 'breaking away' and thus we are meeting less, less phone calls etc. In any case, his job will be requiring him to travel a fair bit in the near future. I may take this opportunity to make break away. However, I believe we will always be in contact. We have been like a mentor to each other, and I really would like to continue having a mentor in him, even if nothing else is possible.

I feel stressed around Mr. Classmate, trying to love him. He knows where my heart lies, though I have done more than enough to assure him I care. But I did make clear too that what I do is merely my obligation to him as his 'GF'. I hate introducing myself as his GF though ! I feel like im letting Mr. Married down with each bodily contact with Mr. Classmate - a kiss, hug, hold hands.. People who do not know me, will never guess I am seeing Mr. Classmate. We hardly touch.

As with Mr. Married, I know clearly I never want anything more with him. I can never take the guilt. He has more than once discussed leaving his wife, but I slamned him down each time, changing topics. I rather be one hurt than 3 - wife and 2 kids. Maybe more - extended family !

Anyway, you have been great help, I will take up some of the advice, maybe all of it in time to come. I'm just not ready to be so hurt yet. It's scary when you have tons of guys after you, yet knowing the only one who can take the lonliness away is someone you can never have. I guess I will be a coward for now. Hopefully courage will come in future, and I can break away totally from him.

Thanks again.

[JessicaLi]

There is no future with married people; however, it sounds as though Mr. Classmate doesn't exactly light your fire. Perhaps he could lie and tell you he's married. J/K. You are not in love with Mr. Married. That is the thrill of partaking of forbidden fruit. If you just want to date around, you can see both Mr. Classmate and Mr. Married; however, you could end up on the wrong end of a gun if Mrs. Married finds out. My advice is to quit seeing Mr. Married whatever else you do.

Thrills don't last. But I never felt any different since day 1. I wish it was a thrill too, which I initially thought it was. But it has proven too difficult to let go. I never had a huge problem moving on from forbidden fruits, or even fresh fruits. I never accepted everything about a guy, only this once. Even the married factor.

God, I'm glad im humane. Or I would let it go on forever, and yes, it will be a disaster if Mrs. Married ever found out. Thanks for the reminder. Nothing is impossible, however discreet we have been. Thanks for your input Diablo.

U must be into online gaming, Good luck in your games !

[eightball61]

. I rather be one hurt than 3 - wife and 2 kids. Maybe more - extended family !

.


If his wife found out about his little fling then you woud have broke apart a family. Do you want to go through life with that on your shoulders if it did happen? If you cut ties and he decides to cheat with someone else then allow that person take the heat for breaking up the family and as well as him.

You came here looking for a way out and the only way is to cut ties with the married dude. I know from your post that you are not ready to settle yet but what you are doing is still wrong in my opinion. Its ok to have many guy toys buy if possible stay away from the family men. You are messing with a wife and children. His part is just as bad but you will also come into fault because it takes two people to cheat.

There are only my thoughts and the final decision comes on you but I am trying to save you from future grief lie you asked about.

[Diablo]

Nope; no online gaming for me. I like to put a little money on myself in a game of billiards. I'll occasionally make a small bet on a football game, but no casino gambling for me. I don't bet on anything decided by chance.

[sagg22]

I too know what you are going through. Been there, done that. Happy to be over it.
But it is not easy. And the first thing that you need to know is that Mr. Classmate cannot be your reason for ending this. Otherwise when Mr. Classmate is gone (he sounds nice but he doesn't seem to do it for you) then you will go right back to Mr. Married.
You say you can go on forever like this without anyone finding out. And you probably could. Mine went on for a long time and no one found out. No one still knows.
But it will eventually wear you out and leave you more emotionally hurt being with him than if you would have just left and dealt with the pain then. This will never be a fully emotional fulfilling relationship for you no matter what.
If he did leave his wife and kids for you what would ever be able to make you think he would not end up doing the same to you. Or eventually hating you for taking him away from his family.
You need to get out. But you need to do it when you can stick to it. You will know it when the time comes. Good luck.

[eightball61]

I too know what you are going through. Been there, done that. Happy to be over it.
But it is not easy. And the first thing that you need to know is that Mr. Classmate cannot be your reason for ending this. Otherwise when Mr. Classmate is gone (he sounds nice but he doesn't seem to do it for you) then you will go right back to Mr. Married.
You say you can go on forever like this without anyone finding out. And you probably could. Mine went on for a long time and no one found out. No one still knows.
But it will eventually wear you out and leave you more emotionally hurt being with him than if you would have just left and dealt with the pain then. This will never be a fully emotional fulfilling relationship for you no matter what.
If he did leave his wife and kids for you what would ever be able to make you think he would not end up doing the same to you. Or eventually hating you for taking him away from his family.
You need to get out. But you need to do it when you can stick to it. You will know it when the time comes. Good luck.

I agree with Sagg22's post....You provided great points from this situation able to keep hidding but also what the efrect would be on her emotionally. I also agree that eventually if he was to leave his family then she would develope insecurities that he may do the same. If this was to happen it would put a lot of pressure n the relationship and ay just eventually fail which would leave her is saddening for breaking a family apart.

It only makes sense if she just left Mr. Married alone. It may all seem innocent but if she really digs int the situation and see the possible effects that you ointed out then maybe it may make her realize it may not be worth it.

Good Post Sagg22

[JessicaLi]

But you need to do it when you can stick to it. You will know it when the time comes. Good luck.

Thanks for this above sentence. Its exactly what I have resolved to do, but have forgotten about. Thanks for the reminder, sagg22.