Am I with a liar?

[helppls]

I have known my partner for three years. We are both 25. We have been engaged for 4 months and will be getting married this summer.

I’m an independent person and have always wanted an independent partner with something to show for himself. My fiancé is an educated guy who has a full time job.

My fiancé currently drives his sister’s car. I have my own car. From very early on in our relationship he has been saying that he will buy his own car before our wedding. He has even discussed this with my family. Obviously, I have built my hopes up to this and been looking forward to this for a long time.

Recently I asked him whether he is going to buy a car, he said 'NO' because he doesn’t have the money. He also said that ‘He feels he has to lie to me for me to stay with him’. The thing is he did have the money, but he has told me he recently gave it to his parents so that they could spend it on their house. I feel that it was wrong for his parents to accept his money becasue they didnt need it.

The bigger problem is that he never sits down and talks about any serious issues with me. This has happened a number of times now, over different serious issues. The last 2 times I have again been angry and upset, but I have explained to him how important it is for our relationship that he should talk to me about these issues or anything else he has on his mind. But yet again, he has failed to do this.

I am really angry, upset and confused. I feel like he has just lied to me all this time so that I stay with him and now I don’t know whether to trust him. I now feel like he is going to continue to be like this even when were married, he will just feed me lies to keep me. I also feel embarrassed that he doesn’t have anything to show for himself, and embarrased at what my family will think.

We have talked about this since this happened and he has admitted that he has a problem. He says he will talk to me about issues in the future, but I just don't know whether to believe him or not.

What do i do?

[eightball61]

Talking to the wall sometimes is better than trying to get a male to talk. :p I know thats not going to help you much but its just goes to show that there are many males and even females out there that are not talkers.

Your situation is very hard to reply on because this guy doesn't talk. There is only so much you can do before you give up. If you did give up it would be his fault and not yours because he doesn't like to communicate well.

Since you have tried many times talking to him then maybe you should try writing him a letter and having him read it. Have him then reply in words or written form. If this doesn't work then I really don't know what to tell you.

A lot of things don't seem right here.....I don't understand why he has to lie to you. I will give him props for being honest but he has to realize that lieing will only push you away rather than to him. You need to find a way that he will communicate. If he doesn't on written form then maybe you both should try counseling if he likes the idea.

He can't keep being selfish by only working as an individual. You both are in a relationship and you both need to work together. Working against eachother with not bring this relationship very far. Write that in you letter if you like to but you need to express how you feel and why you feel that way. If he still lacks then I really don't know what to tell you. :confused:

[inquisitive]

The lieing to you definitely can't continue, and communication is very important in a relationship. Eightballs suggestion of writing is a good one. Some people are not good verbal communicators.

Maybe he feels threatened by your need for material items? Since you put so much emphasis on him having a car, and having something to show your family that he thinks just being himself isn't good enough for you?

[icanhelp]

your wright talking is an important part. also is trust. but
if you ask me if he acts like this now unless you take control, it will only get worse

[JessicaLi]

If he is lying to keep you now, his objective is to have u stucked with him. His unfilled promises goes to show that he is only doing the minimum to keep you with him. If he has you - after marriage, how much effort would he put in ? Maybe none, maybe empty promises if divorce ever was the issue. Guys like him keep your hopes burning with empty promises, and women are always too in love to see through the lies.

I believe deep down you know the answers, but you need courage to face it. To do something about it. Just like I always do, I always go to friends for 'support'.

Only you know what is best for you, listen to advice, but decide for yourself.

All the best. :)

[Diablo]

He's probably sick and tired of you wanting to talk about serious issues all the time. Just how long is your list of issues and why do you think that women with lots of issues are not pains in the butt? I suspect he got canned at work and is hoping to get a new job before you find out.

[Rich]

I don't think that when two people are talking about getting married, that wanting to talk about serious issues is a pain in the ass. It's required, actually.

What's more serious than getting married, spending the rest of your life with that person and possibly bring additional lives into this world? If would be nice to know about your partner on a very deep level before doing that, no?

To get back to the core issue of the post. If you don't trust now, then it won't come later. If he's lying to you now, when there's nothing really at stake, then what makes you think he won't lie when your marriage is at stake? When I say that nothing is really at stake right now, I meant that you're just dating. There are no legal ties, children or heavy financial burdens that exist that he would be nervous about dealing with. If he told the truth and you broke up, then it's just a boyfriend girlfriend break up. No big deal, no there should be no reason to lie now.

Trust is essential to a great relationship and you don't have any. Not a great foundation from which to build a lifetime of togetherness on. IMO.

Rich


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[Diablo]

The clue Rich is "This has happened a number of times over different issues." If she doesn't like him the way he is, then she shouldn't marry him. What she should do is put on that y outfit, (the one she probably hasn't worn in a while), fix him a nice candlelight dinner and then give him some lovin' after dinner. That would go a lot longer way toward working things out than the nagging will. I suspect something is up with the guy, and he wants to resolve whatever it is before working out the issues with her. I know I got a little mean, but she needs to drop the subject of issues for the time being and let him work out whatever private issue he has. My read is that he'll probably be agreeable to going over everything with her once he works that out.

[eightball61]

Sometimes a y outfit doesn't do the trick. all it will set for is the mood to have and then after that things are back to the way they were. I do agree its worth a try but I don't suggest she over do it.

She can only apply so much into the relationship before tossing the white flag. This guy is allowing this to slip and he will be the one at fault. Many relationships get ruined because a partner doesn't like to talk. Some relationship stay afloat because the person that does all the talking just gives up and allows it all to fail while still staying with thier partner and that eventually just leads to hate or cheating.

Relationships will change in the future to more communication and I will be the first to mention that. The reason why is because the topic of relationship sells. With it getting more publicity from the net, books, or even Dr. Phil more people are tunning in to see what things should really be like to make it work.

Most people today just need a wakeup call. Sometimes its to late and other times its not but the wakeup call will allow them to realize that sitting back, lieing, not paying attention, or communicating with thier partner is just ruining things. is not the right communication and a lot of people have in mind thats all they need to do....but they are wrong and we are seeing more relationship end because the lack of communication.

Its sad but a change has to happen or else we will continue to sit here on message boards and about things that we as people don't change.

[Diablo]

Eightball: I suggested the dinner and because asking him to talk isn't working. Something to try to shift the gears. As I've said throughout this thread, he seems to have a private issue that he isn't talking about and she needs to allow him to work that out. Maybe the guy is having second thoughts about marrying her, he could have gotten canned at work, or told that he has to transfer accross the country; it could be anything that could throw a monkey wrench into an engagement. Of course there is more to a relationship than , but it is the quickest way for a woman to warm up a chilly atmosphere between a couple.

[eightball61]

Diablo, I wouldn't be surpised if he did have a stress related issue. Many males dont like to talk and prefer to solve things themselves but that creates to much problems. She and give it a try and I am for your suggestion but then again thier is only so much she can do. Relationships are a 2-way street and he has to realize this and if not then he will lose her.

[Diablo]

Well, sometimes guys don't want to talk. There are times that I don't want a conversation about anything heavy and I don't like for someone to try to force a heavy conversation on me at those times. However, there seems to be more up here. I wouldn't be surprised if they split up. C'est le vie. They'll probably both find new people before long.

[eightball61]

. They'll probably both find new people before long.


I know many guys are not communicators and if that was not an issue anymore then I don't think these boards would be here :p This is just an issue that will always happen and there is no way really out of it unless both partner found a way to communicate with each other. If they do find new people let prey they are single when they do it. :eek: