Is cyber cheating?

[Meagan]

I need help. My husband found out that I had been engaging in cyber with a man that I know. I actually had a professional relationship with this man. When our professional relationship ended, he and I began to engage in extremely graphic ual correspondence over the Internet. This lasted for months.

The whole thing ended really badly with hostile feelings and both of our spouses finding out. How can I get my husband to realize that this was a form of entertainment only. It's not like I was having an affair with this guy or anything. It was merely "words on paper". I don't think a few months of mutual fantasy swapping and a cyber should ruin an 11 year marriage.

The behavior I engaged in has nothing to do with the love I have for my husband and children. Any suggestions for getting my husband to forget about this? I know it was a stupid thing to do, and I'm certainly not planning on doing it again. Although, I do think it's ridiulous that my husband is making such a huge deal out of it. He needs to just drop this and get back to trusting me again. Any advice??

[eightball61]

Try putting yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he was having a ual relationship with another women online and never told you about it???

To me what you did was wrong. He is your husband and all ual thoughts and intentions should have been with him and not shared with someone else. Many people can argue that its innocent and can be accepted the same as but it does differ. You are chatting with someone one-on-one and sharing ual feelings on what you both would do to another.

The other thing that made this wrong is the fact you were hiding it from your husband. If you never thought it was wrong then you would have told him what you were doing...

Your marriage can be saved from this but you both will have to work together. You most likely broken his trust and it will be very hard to ever regain. You both can go seek counseling to understand why this happened and also seek how to get back on track with things.

It may have seemed all innocent to you but this impacts him because he believes when being in a relationship or marriage all ual desires should be shared with your partner and no one else. If you need to seek self pleasure then you could have gone to your local adult store for movies and toys for yourself.

The internet can be a dangerous source for cheating and emotinal cheating. I have seen many times the net ruining relationship because of the communication that happens with other people over the net. There are many sites to visit along with free videos so if you need to seek that pleasure you can check out on of these sites.

You can call it whatever you want but my opinion is it was wrong and now its time for you to unplug your computer and try what you can to keep the marriage afloat.

[inquisitive]

To me what you did was cheating. You had a ual relationship with another man. If it was my SO having a ual relationship with another woman then there would be serious problems - to me cheating is the end of a relationship.

How would you feel if it was him having a very graphic ual relationship with someone on the internet?

If you want to work this out with your husband then you have to earn his trust. If what you were doing was "OK" then you wouldn't have hidden it!

[SALly]

I don't think it was cheating. It may not be right, but it isn't cheating. If a man goes to a strip club, is that cheating? I don't think so.

[SALly]

I read this book one time where a lady who was married and had kids was a phone operator. So she was having phone all the time, the husband didn't care. She would get hot on the phone and then have hot with her hubby.

[inquisitive]

If a man goes to a strip club and gets ual gratification from a stripper it would be cheating. Same thing here.

In my opinion.

[SALly]

OMG- so all the married or attached boyfriends who go to strip clubs are cheating?

[inquisitive]

Thats not what I said. You go to a strip club and watch women dance, and take off their clothes. You're not sitting there masturbating, or ing etc. from it. Sure it'll make you , but then, hopefully, you go home to your bf/gf/SO. Cyber is different. There is someone else that you're talking to and interacting with ually. You're giving someone else a "cyber". Someone else is telling you that they're "inside you" and so on. That is different than looking at pictures, or dancing women taking their clothes off.

If it's not so bad why didn't she tell her husband from day one?

[SALly]

Because people make mistakes. She probably figured he wouldn't approve---- but she didn't think it would cost her the marriage either. I seriously don't think it is that bad. I would forgive my husband for something like that.

[inquisitive]

Hey, to each his own. If you're ok with your husband/bf having a ual relationship with another woman then that is up to you. All I'm saying is to me it's cheating. I don't want my SO having a ual relationship with anyone but me. So I understand where her husband is coming from.

Oh, and I think if you would have to "forgive" him then it's wrong to you too. Right?

[SALly]

It is wrong.... just not cheating by my definitions. But like you said- to each their own. I just hope he forgives her so the marriage and lives of the children aren't ruined over something so stupid.

[eightball61]

It is wrong.... .



:confused: why are you saying its wrong when you cheat yourself?

[SALly]

O K L E T M E S P E L L O U T M Y O P I N I O N...
What she did was wrong- she was chatting online about with someone else while she is married. And she didn't tell her husband. That is wrong, rude, etc. It isn't cheating --- not physical cheating anyway. What part don't you get?
I cheat and it is wrong- I'm a lot worse than her! Is that what you wanted to hear? You already know that it doesn't bother me. :eek:

[eightball61]

I'm a lot worse than her!


if you are worse than her then why are you saying its wrong. Your opinion should be "its ok". I am not hounding on you but it just didn't make sense. If you are for cheating then it shouldn't matter in my opinion if its married or just a relationship.

[SALly]

You "are" hounding me....... now you are telling me what my opinion should be. I'm talking about her, not me or my life.

[eightball61]

I am just trying to understand why you think its ok to cheat but telling her its wrong??? :confused:



ps i guess I am hounding :p

[inquisitive]

O K L E T M E S P E L L O U T M Y O P I N I O N...
What she did was wrong- she was chatting online about with someone else while she is married. And she didn't tell her husband. That is wrong, rude, etc. It isn't cheating --- not physical cheating anyway. What part don't you get?
I cheat and it is wrong- I'm a lot worse than her! Is that what you wanted to hear? You already know that it doesn't bother me. :eek:

It wasn't just "chatting about" . They were "having" . Just online. It's the same thing as phone .

[SALly]

Give me a break- it was NOT .
No body parts touched, it was all fantasy. If I plan out and talk about killing someone does that mean I commited a murder. NO!

[eightball61]

If I plan out and talk about killing someone does that mean I commited a murder. NO!

No but you can still get arrested and charged with threating, terrorising, or the attempt to murder. Look a these people that plan out killings and still get charged even though it never happened. In this case there was no physical touch but the attempt and thoughts were there. Just like an attempt on a murder plot.

[inquisitive]

Sally, do you consider phone cheating?

[SALly]

No I don't.
It isn't CHEATING. It is wrong, not appropriate behavior, not using moral judgement, etc. But I don't feel it is cheating. Sorry- that is just how I feel about it.

[eightball61]

Yes, I consider it cheating when you are in a relationship or marriage. I am a firm beleiver that all ual thoughts should be shared with the person who you are denicated to be with. Why would someone share a ual thought with another person one-on-one when they are in a committed relationship?

There is a thing called self-pleasure. If a person is feeling that ual then they can easily go to the local adult store to pic up some goodies. Those that cheat are better off not in a relationship or marriage because it just shows that they are just not committed.

Let me ask you this if I may....Since you cheat what type of thrill do you get from it? Why can't you just be single and move around that way? What is the point getting into a relationship and not respecting the values a relationship carries? Its just better to be single then hurt your partner.

Sorry for the questions but I am interested to know what is in the mind of a cheater....

[inquisitive]

You don't have to apologize. I was just curious. To me anything ual outside of a relationship is cheating.

[SALly]

Kids.................

[eightball61]

Kids.................


Why can't you answer my questions? are you in a relationship and have kids with the man you are with or are you calling me a kid :p

[SALly]

I'm not calling you a kid...... I have kids.....that's pretty much the answer to your questions....

[eightball61]

So you are staying in the relationship because of the children? Don't you think getting a divorce or splitting up would be a lot less on the kids rather than them ever finding out mom is cheating?


I just want to know what is making it so hard to leave and do the right thing. I say you would be doing "right thing" in my opinion. You know your situation best so it all depends on you but I am just trying to understand.

[SALly]

I'm not sure- that's a tough question.

[eightball61]

I guess you never though of that....How old are your children? What do you think would be best for them?

Sally do you mind if I open a thread for you instead of taking up someone elses thread?

[SALly]

Now I feel really pathetic--- my psycho life is worth a whole thread. And someone actually cares about it??? That's fine.

[eightball61]

You are not pathertic...

[SALly]

in my opinion, I still don't think cyber or phone or strip clubs are actually cheating.

[eightball61]

in my opinion, I still don't think cyber or phone or strip clubs are actually cheating.



Cyber~ disagree
phone ~ disagree
strip club~ agreed
Movies~ agree
magazines~agree

Basically i agree to those items that are only made for self pleasure with no direct communication or physical touch. Anything that is indirect like movies or magazines then I dont see it cheating...thats my view.

[SALly]

Fair enough.

[eightball61]

Fair enough.


I love opinions :D

[inquisitive]

Cyber~ disagree
phone ~ disagree
strip club~ agreed
Movies~ agree
magazines~agree

Basically i agree to those items that are only made for self pleasure with no direct communication or physical touch. Anything that is indirect like movies or magazines then I dont see it cheating...that my view.


I agree 100%!!!!!!!

[SALly]

Eightball --- you're just too damn perfect!!!!

[eightball61]

What is "perfect" ??? can you define, please because I never beleive in the term. To me there is no such thing as perfect....

[SALly]

Perfect:
Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.

Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.
Accurately reproducing an original: a perfect copy of the painting.
Complete; thorough; utter: a perfect fool.
Pure; undiluted; unmixed: perfect red.
Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.
Botany. Having both stamens and pistils in the same flower; monoclinous.
Grammar. Of, relating to, or constituting a verb form expressing action completed prior to a fixed point of reference in time.
Music. Designating the three basic intervals of the octave, fourth, and fifth.

[eightball61]

What does that mean in English :p


I am far from perfect. I hate to even think that term has a definition because name one thing that is actually perfect?

[Meagan]

I appreciate the replies. I figured people would have different opinions on the subject. So, is it cheating if a married man looks at a woman on the street and thinks to himself "Damn, she's hot. I really want to bang her!"?? I mean he is having a ual thought about someone other than his wife.

I believe the problem in my situation is that I knew the man. Cyber with someone you know is obviously different than engaging in it with a person that you don't know and will never meet. I think there are different types of expectations involved.

It's not like I was getting off sending him this stuff anyway, and I doubt if he was sitting in his office masturbating over it either. He probably thought of it as harmless entertainment too. I liked the creative writing aspect of it. I enjoyed sending him something that I knew he would find stimulating.

[SALly]

Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.

Uhmm... that's English as far as I can tell.

[SALly]

Woo Hoo- Meagan--- thank you! Finally a person who sees it like it do!!! So what is going on with you and your husband now?????

[inquisitive]

I appreciate the replies. I figured people would have different opinions on the subject. So, is it cheating if a married man looks at a woman on the street and thinks to himself "Damn, she's hot. I really want to bang her!"?? I mean he is having a ual thought about someone other than his wife.


No thats not cheating - it's inapprorpiate, and I'd be pissed, but it's not cheating. The difference is that is in his mind. He's not acting on it. Cyber is not just in your mind. You are ually interacting with someone other than your bf/gf/husband/partner/SO etc.

[eightball61]

So, is it cheating if a married man looks at a woman on the street and thinks to himself "Damn, she's hot. I really want to bang her!"?? I mean he is having a ual thought about someone other than his wife.

.



You can't sit there and tell me you never looked at a man off the street and wanted him. Its natural to look at others. Its not natural to engage in a ual relationship directly or indirectly while being married or a committed relationship.

You may have knew this man but that doesn't change anything. You know your huband so then why didn't you ask him for the ual favor? You know your uncles, cousins, friends, ect....why don't you cyber with them? Its the same thing and a lame excuse in my book.

So answer this for me since you didn't the first time around....What are your thoughts if he did what you did with another girl?

You can't honestly sit there and tell me that you will be fine about it.

Relationsips are made to be partnering just one person. That one peson is the one you share the intimacy with and feelings with. When you go out side the relationship to share those loving feelings with someone else it show disrespect, your not committed, and you just better off single.

If the situation was really ok then your husband never would have gotten angry about it at you and you would have told him at the beginning what you were doing from the start instead of sneaking around ( so you still lied which put you in the wrong even still)

[SALly]

Are you going to hound her now Eightball??? :p

[eightball61]

She left herself open so I had to take advantage of those gaps....Now its time for her to fill them in :p

[SALly]

Hahahaha I seem to recall that happening with someone else.... :eek:

[eightball61]

Hahahaha I seem to recall that happening with someone else.... :eek:


Who :confused:



:p

[inquisitive]

Relationsips are made to be partnering just one person. That one peson is the one you share the intimacy with and feelings with. When you go out side the relationship to share those loving feelings with someone else it show disrespect, your not committed, and you just better off single.



Great paragraph eightball!!

[eightball61]

Great paragraph eightball!!


I am feeling smart for some reason today.... :p naaawww I am still confused :confused:

[SALly]

I am feeling smart for some reason today.... :p naaawww I am still confused :confused:
Easy there...smartie pants....don't get a big head now..... :p

[eightball61]

Easy there...smartie pants....don't get a big head now..... :p


I am actually light headed since I am a true blond. :D

[Meagan]

O.K. I'm ready to take you guys on.

First, of course cyber is ONLY in your mind. Where else could it possibly be?? Can I reach in through my computer and grab the guy's ? I don't think so.

Second, How is cyber "loving" feelings exactly? Writing about techniques or gangbang fantasies to some guy is not loving. Love is a husband being with his wife when she is giving birth to their children. It's a wife hugging her husband when his father has died. It's two parents sitting in the hospital holding hands scared to death when their five year old son's appendix has ruptured, and he's having emergency surgery. Those things are what love and true intimacy is all about. My husband and I have shared those moments together.

SALly, thanks for having my back on this. I think my husband and I are going to be alright. He's still angry and hurt, and I understand that more now. I believe that a lot of his feelings are due to the fact that I had been hiding it all from him, and he had to find out about everything on his own. Things might have played out differently if I had confessed everything to him before he found out.

I absolutely stand by the fact that what I did was not nearly as bad as having physical with another person. I know I was wrong and deceitful, but I honestly do not feel as though I have cheated.

[Meagan]

[QUOTE=eightball61]
So answer this for me since you didn't the first time around....What are your thoughts if he did what you did with another girl?

Oh yeah eightballs61, I didn't want you to think I was avoiding your question a second time. I would be upset if the situation was reversed. I think what would upset me the most would be the fact that my husband felt as though he couldn't tell me what was going on. I would know that he must have thought it was wrong if he went to the trouble of hiding it. Although, I wouldn't consider it cheating, and certainly wouldn't let something so stupid ruin our marriage.

Satisfied??

[eightball61]

I never once told you to get out of the marriage. If you recall back to my very first post I did say the arriage can be worked out if you both work on it together.

You came here with the question "is it cheating"? We all have different views and gave you our opinions. Your plac is to site here and try to hear out hy we have these different view. Not be proud because you found someone that you can bound with about the situation.

Cheating is a very hot topic in the world of cheating and many faithful people are against this word as you see here. I am sorry to upset you but I am trying to fill in the gaps that have been left opened nor that don't make sense to me.

Now since you know the mixed reactions on your question lets turn things a little back to you last post from my question....

You stated that you would be upset if he did this to you....Why is that??? Would you have lost his trust?

To him, what you did wasn't right and you need to understand why. You allready have said that you would be mad so what you need to do is really figure out why he feels this way and try to build off from it and save things. If you just brush it off like it was no big deal and he has to get over it then all you are doing is setting up for a failing relatioship.

This is something that you both have to work together. As far as I am concerned you step out of the boudries and he must feel the same way since he got mad. He lost some trust and now you both have to work and try to understand eachother. He is your partner and you should be going to him anytime you have a problem about something or just feel the need to talk to him. If he was lacking the communication skills then you need to let him know that so you both can work on something where neither one of you has to go looking elsewhere next time.

I am just trying to get you to understand why you did this, how you would feel if done to you(trying to place you in his shoes), and also work together on what was lost or try to understand why this happened.

[inquisitive]

O.K. I'm ready to take you guys on.

First, of course cyber is ONLY in your mind. Where else could it possibly be?? Can I reach in through my computer and grab the guy's ? I don't think so.


Just because you can't physically grab the guy's doesn't mean it's not just in your mind.
You are ually interacting with someone other than your husband. That is why I consider it cheating. If you are looking at or something you are not interacting with someone just yourself.

You asked for opinions, and this is mine. I know it is shared by my SO. If I was to have cyber with someone, our relationship would be, most likely, over.

[SALly]

I
Not be proud because you found someone that you can bound with about the situation.

.

I'm sure she isn't proud to have bonded with me---- we haven't bonded. So we both think it isn't considered "cheating' while all the rest of you do. Why can't you understand the fact that WE have different views? Sometimes it's nice to know someone else shares your views. Ours aren't WRONG, just as your's aren't wrong.....they are all opinions.

[eightball61]

I ain't saying you both are in the wrong...I am saying in my opinion I think its wrong. I have stated numorous time that this is all my opinion. I have also said a number of times I do respect difference in opinion and the world is made up of different opinions.

I know we are mad eup of differences and I have even told you that I will not look down on you if you continue what you have been doing and stay with your husband.

I respect both of your choices and I again apologize for coming on hard but sometimes people don't see the reality unless something is pressed on them. The other day I got you thinking about your situation alot and that was just my goal. I am not telling you that you need to leave because thats your choice. My goal is to get you to think about both sides of the situation.

[SALly]

I just didn't appreciate the bonding comment. In my OPINION that was uncalled for.

[eightball61]

My comment didn't mean to fully aim at you. It was more to her because in her wording. It seemed like she was parading along with what she was doing by saying it was soooooooooooo good. It kinda upset me a little because she knows its wrong but then she likes it because of the feeling it generates. It doesn't make to much sense to me that she knows its wrong but still continues to do it.....It only makes sense to quit or leave or else it just generate future problems...But again thats my opinion on the situation.

[inquisitive]

It doesn't make sense to me either, but that may be because we don't condone or do it. I'll honestly never understand being able to hurt someone in that manner. So it is intersting to read these threads.

[SALly]

My comment didn't mean to fully aim at you. It was more to her because in her wording. It seemed like she was parading along with what she was doing by saying it was soooooooooooo good. It kinda upset me a little because she knows its wrong but then she likes it because of the feeling it generates. It doesn't make to much sense to me that she knows its wrong but still continues to do it.....It only makes sense to quit or leave or else it just generate future problems...But again thats my opinion on the situation.
BUT you haven't ever been married or in a relationship for years and years to even really know what her and I feel like. It is so easy for you to say it is wrong and why would anyone do it. I always felt that way too. Just like with kids, people who don't have any always think theirs will be perfect little angels, til they have their own and really realize what it is all about to be a parent.

[eightball61]

We are seperated on opinions....It happens and I except it ;)

[eightball61]

BUT you haven't ever been married or in a relationship for years and years to even really know what her and I feel like. .



Sally, I don't need to be in a long marriage or relationship to understand cheating is wrong. This is just one of those common sense things and it all differs from opinions. You are right though and I don't know what a long relationship is right but my dad did cheat on my mother. They work it out afterwards through conseling and all that other stuff but as a child I went through the pain that it caused the family. I remember going to counseling at 12 years old and they explaining what happened. I knew what was going on but just didn't understand it all at the time. Emotionally it hurt me and still hurts to day. I accepted it though and moved on like they did.

You have kids and the same hurt can/will happen if they find out your wrong doing. I considered it wrong because its what I beleive in. You say its wrong also and if so then you both just need to stop. Its seems fun to do but does hurt others along the line once it finally gets out there.

Sorry but I m just sharing my experience..

[Meagan]

I never said that I "bonded" with Sally. I simply let her know that I appreciated her having my back on this issue. Those are two completely different things.

Also, I didn't go on and on about how what happened was soooooooooooooooo good. I don't know where you're getting that from. I'm also not continuing to participate in that type of thing. The whole situation with my attorney had already ended when my husband found out, and I haven't spoken to him since.

Once again, I know what I did was inappropriate and wrong. I hid things from my husband and that wasn't a good thing to do. However, I do not believe that I violated my marriage vows.

[eightball61]

However, I do not believe that I violated my marriage vows.


Thats where the opinions differ and I can respect that. On the other hand though your husband beleieves you did do something wrong and thats why he has acted the way he has. When people do stuff they think is right they usuallt stick by it until they actually put themselves in the other persons shoes.

You have stated that if the situation was resersved then you would be upset at your husband. What I am try to get you to do is focus on why you would be mad at him when you think its ok for you do it????

[SALly]

I agree Meagan.
Eightball, being angry and upset at your spouse's behavior still doesn't mean you violated marriage vows.

[eightball61]

Eightball, being angry and upset at your spouse's behavior still doesn't mean you violated marriage vows.

Its totally normal to be angry. The wrong doing comes to play when you seek elsewhere which is known at emotional or physical cheating. I consider this cheating and there are many others would agree. There are others that think like you both do and it just shows that our opinions differ.

[SALly]

OK great. So we all agree that we disagree!!!

[eightball61]

OK great. So we all agree that we disagree!!!


Agreed :D :p

[Meagan]

Agreed :D :p
That works for me as well. I do appreciate all of the replies even though our opinions regarding the situation may differ. Thanks.

[SimplyMe]

Interesting to read all the different opinions!

Well here's mine, for what it's worth : If a person engages in cyber, there is probably something missing from the relationship to start with. If the relationship made the person feel happy and fulfilled, they wouldn't have cyber, full stop. I'm not judging you. I would say the same about a person who spends all their time golfing for example, instead of spending a bit of time with their spouse. The fact is, when you have cyber, you're not spending time with your spouse.

That being said...

It's not because it's cyber and it involves a keyboard and a screen rather than a hotel room that makes it easier to forgive and forget. The fact is your spouse spent time with someone else and shared something the two of you only are supposed to share. That hurts. Trust has gone out the window. Many would call this betrayal, even if it happened in cyberspace.

How to make him forget? I don't know the answer to this one. I do know it could spoil the relationship enough to end up in divorce though.

Your best option is to talk openly and honestly with your husband. Don't try to brush this under the carpet. He will perhaps forgive. But forget? Not sure.

The best to you and your relationship.

[samanthac425]

There are lots of people that would say if there wasn't physical contact - then it's not cheating. I'm afraid that I disagree with that. I think that if you're sharing something intimate with someone else (such as your ual fantasies) it's cheating, plain & simple. Also, like it was said a million times earlier - if you don't think it's wrong, you won't hide it.

[eightball61]

Do I tell him I hacked into his account? He may dump me for that alone anyway! .


Where do you want the relationship to go? Are you living the fear of not being with him? How does it make you feel what he has done?

He is doing something sneaky so why can't you? What you did I see no wrong doing because you had good reason to look and thats why you did. If I was you I would be pissed and make it known. If he wants to end the relationship it would be his loss because he is the one that wasn't truthful and respectful.

[eightball61]

Your only choice is to let him continue or bring this to the table. I honestly think you need to stand up for yourself and get the respect out of him that you give to him. You say you love him and he's your best friend but with him doing this have you thought about what you mean to him?

[eightball61]

What do you consider love?

Do you consider love is when your partner lies to you, hides stuff from you, and doesn't respect you?

I guess its your choice but you asked what you should do and this is my opinion. I stand behind my opinion because its the right thing to do and he shouldn't be allowed any longer to lie and disrespect you.....

[eightball61]

He'd say this was no big deal, he never touched her, it wasn't cheating.
...


I am sure he will say what he has done was not wrong but have him put himself in your shoes...How would he feel??? He has lack of respect for you and you need to see that. He may not be physically cheating but he is sharing feelings and emotions with another human. They do have outside contact because they send eachother things. What he is doing is just not right and this should be brought to him if you want things to change.

You are not dumb, niave, and a weak idiot. You came here to ask for help and now we are trying to head you in the right direction. Be the strong women you are and start off with the CD's and work from there. Don't allow him to brush off the subject. You keep to his tail until he comes clean. If he doesn't then his lieing will only get worse and it will get you more fustrated. In that sense I would bring up your findings.....

[shelby644644]

Thanks... that's just what I'm going to do. I need to have the respect for myself - regardless of his lack of it!

[inquisitive]

Thanks Eightball. I don't want to be without him, he's my best friend. Or at least I thought he was! But my trust has disintegrated! BUT, and it's a big BUT, I feel worse about my sneaking! I'm quite sure he won't accept that and will say that if there's no trust then there's no relationship. But yes, I had my suspicions which is why I did it.
Am I over reacting as she's in another country? Is this just an attention thing for him??? Who knows... half of me thinks it's not worth ending what has been a truly lovely relationship and losing my best friend for an 'affair' he cannot consumate without the cost of a very large flight ticket... and the other half says that next time it could be someone round the corner and he's obviously open to other women. He never mentioned me once in the emails and therefore he's lying to her too!
I am soooooo confused!

He won't accept that you feel bad about sneaking? He is the one in the wrong. He is the one who went outside your relationship not you. He is the one who should be appologizing. If he hadn't been sneaking around behind your back you wouldn't have gotten suspicious, and you wouldn't have had need to look. It's his fault. If he tries to blame you that's even worse. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, and cut off all contact with this woman!

[eightball61]

I need to have the respect for myself - regardless of his lack of it!

You have the right thinking..... Just go with it and please keep us posted. ;)

[eightball61]

does it make any difference that she's not completely 'available' as she's in another country?


What are YOUR thoughts? Do YOU think its ok for what he has done? Do YOU consider it cheating?

[shelby644644]

I feel like I've been emotionally cheated on, but, as this cyber thing is relatively new ground for me and as it's something I've never come across before with friends etc, I have no idea whether I'm blowing this out of proportion. It used to be black and white - cheating was physical - but with the advent of the internet all the rules seem to have changed! Very confusing...
The truth is I feel absolutely gutted, sick, drained... I swing between wanting to ignore it and wanting to confront it.
I guess the truth is that if he couldn't have these e-conversations in front of me, and is hiding things and lying, then he knows it wrong too... I guess that answers my doubts!

[eightball61]

Ignoring it will do no help...it may actually make it worse down the road. You are his partner and you don't want to fall in his footsteps by not being able to express or communicate. If you feel this way then you need to get it out. Feeling the way you are now will just cause you not to trust, more fights, and getting more distance. If you are looking to help and save this relationship then bringing the problem to the table is the best idea(my opinion)...end of story.

[eightball61]

shelby644644, please check out this related thread:

http://www.relationshipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=626

[inquisitive]

It's good to see that no-one has yet called me a complete bunny boiler for prying into his email!
One question: does it make any difference that she's not completely 'available' as she's in another country? Maybe this is why he thinks it's OK - that no real harm can come of it?
Thanks for your support guys...

No it makes no difference. He's still carrying on a ual, and emotional relationship with another woman. You're right he knows it's wrong, and if he brings up you looking at his email then that makes it even worse. Then he's just trying to turn the tables and make you feel bad.

[Rich]

Shelby-

Read your post on your SO.

The ultimate question is what do you want out of life in regards to your future marriage and /or LTR? Heck, what does everyone want?

I can tell you because we all crave the same thing. We want to love someone with all of our hearts and to be loved the same way in return.

We want a person whose company we enjoy and vice versa. A person who we're attracted to and vice versa. Someone who we can talk to and who will talk to us.

We want someone who can be an equal partner. A best friend. Someone who will love us for who we are and who we grow into. We want someone who will trust us and give us the freedom to still grow as a person.

We want to be in a relationship but still be an individual with some freedoms.

We want to be in a relationship that is just so easy and natural. Where fights are very minimal and happiness and love are experienced everyday. Where thanks is given to have and to be with the person that you're with and that they feel the very same way about us. We want to be proud of our partner and have them feel the same way.

I can go on and on, but I think that you get the point. Most people feel that what I'm describing is relationship perfection and cannot be achieved. I say it can be achieved and it's very easy to do.

The biggest impediments to having the type of relationship that I describe are fear, ego and pride.

Being in a great relationship means:

Putting your ego aside.
Being a bit less stubborn and prideful.
Having the faith and confidence in the love of your partner so that you have NO FEAR in talking about ANYTHING.

Openness, communication and honesty!!!!!! These are key.

Most relationships get in trouble when one or both partners don't feel that they can talk to their mate. That they don't trust that they'll be heard, understood and not just brushed aside. Trouble also arises when we make a stand and fight just on pride. That when we're wrong we don't apologize because of our pride. We let our ego of never being wrong, get in the way. That maybe saying sorry is a form of weakness and we can't show that, so we don't do it. For a lot of people saying sorry is the hardest thing in the world to do.

The trick to having a great relationship is to have it start out where you and your partner are very close together on views and feelings towards each other. That the thought process on both your parts is that you're going to make this the greatest relationship ever and then you go about doing that first and foremost. That at all points, you'll take a step back when confronted with an issue and think, what would love do now. I trust my partner. I love my partner. Let me not let my pride get in the way and say something hurtful right now, that I'll regret later. That my love for you and us comes first before me.

Love is thinking about your relationship and partner first and trusting the love you two have for each other above all else. It's putting all your faith eggs in one basket and trusting your partner not to hurt you. When you're single you think in terms of ME. When you're with someone, you now need to think in terms of WE

Know this. Perfect relationships don't just happen. They are made over time. You don't just meet someone in a bar or on the street and then you magically have the perfect relationship. You meet someone and get to see what they can offer.

To make a gourmet meal you need to start out with great ingredients. The same with a great relationship. You have to meet someone who offers great ingredients and then you two can make a great relationship. On the flip side if you start out with shit, then all you can make is shit. And by shit I mean being with someone who is immature, closed minded, stubborn, condescending, untrusting, uncommunicative, narrow minded, controlling, lazy, uncaring, insecure, unappreciative, humorless, unhappy, addicted, selfish or judgemental. Just to name a few.

Those are all bad ingredients that make it difficult to have a great relationship. Stay away or break up if anyone is dating someone with these traits because you'll never have a great, long lasting relationship with a person like that.

Your goal is to find someone who can offer great ingredients and then make a commitment together to make a great relationship. It's actually very easy to do if you have two willing and ABLE participants. You just need to do something everyday to make your relationship better and stronger.

As for your SO and the cyper cheating. Yes that's cheating in my eyes. There's no reason why he should have to look elsewhere and get from this girl what he should be getting from you. Have you asked him why he's looking elsewere and why he never came to you to talk?

That if he needed something else ually, why couldn't he talk to you about it? If he needed a friend, why couldn't he look to you for that. That if he needed an ear to listen, why couldn't he trust in you for that.

Your SO is looking elsewhere for everything that you two should have together. Why is that? He's looking out of your relationship instead of looking within it.

A relationship should be your super market of life. Everything that you need or want should be able to be obtained from your relationship. If you can't then you need to work on that portion of your relationship.

Only you can honestly answer why he's doing what he's doing? Has he tried to approach you in the past and he was turned away? We're his feelings brushed aside and not given any validation by you? Has he tried to express somethings ually that he'd like to try and was that brushed aside? Can you two talk openly about any subject on a mature level? If not, why not?

You need to find out why he looked to someone else instead of looking to you. Once you find that out you can guage whether or not you want to stay or go. Either work to have that great relationship or let this go and find someone else closer to your core values and thoughts.

He looked elsewhere for a reason. Find out what that reason, or reasons were.

[Rich]

Shelby-

I still don't see where it is that you talked to your SO and asked him why he did what he did? What is his reason for carrying on the internet "affair"? There has to be a reason why and hopefully he can be adult enough to tell you.

If he can't or won't tell you, then leave him immediately because your relationship will never be all that it can be.

Maybe you did mention it before and I missed it, but what was the reason for your month long breakup up?

And you're right, you shouldn't be getting treated like you are. It's not justified from what you have expressed so far.

It's obvious though that you feel more for this relationship then he does. You're in very deep emotionally and he isn't.

Also, you mentioned that he and his ex ended a 10 year relationship because of cheating. Why did he cheat on her? Did he ever give you valid reason for what he did? Can you see a pattern developing with him?

What of his depression. You mentioned twice about his depression. How depressed was he? Suicidal depressed? Pop some pills to cope depressed? Or just sad?

To me, when I see people who are in depressed states for extended periods of time, it shows me a lack of mental and emotional toughness. People like that are weak minded.

Weak minded people cannot sustain long term relationships because they're prone to sucumb to desires and to stray from the course. They just do. There's no mental toughness to fight urges or desires.

Sounds like maybe your SO is a bit weak minded.

[piratesmate]

I whole-heartedly agree with eightball.
Put yourself in your husband's shoes.
How would you feel?
If it were me, I'd be extremely upset with my husband if he were having cyber with someone.
If he was, that is an indication that he isn't satisfied with me and not totally in love with me.
I have my values and if my husband was doing cyber, it would mean we need to do some serious talking about whether or not to stay married!