Sally

[eightball61]

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[inquisitive]

So are you currently cheating? Or is this something you've done in the past? If you're currently cheating, and you feel bad about it, why not just stop?

[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[inquisitive]

Are you saying you just can't stop cheating, and leave your husband?

What happens if/when your kids find out? Trust me they will lose ALOT of respect for you.

I found out about my father having an internet affair, and I moved out 2 weeks later, and I still rarely see him.

I have little respect for him. Kids are smarter than you think. They'll be able to tell somethings up.

I knew for the longest time that my parents were in an unhappy marriage. What their status is now I don't know (they are still together, but are they happy?) since I hardly see them.

[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

i don't have any idea of what your situation is, but who are we to judge your situation.....there is so much that we don't know about.....i have been married about 9 years and also very unhappy with my situation....i am not saying that i agree with cheating but i know for my situation that sometimes we look for certain things in others that we can't find in our spouce and so we end up finding comfort in others.....right or wrong, it happens.....and the last thing we need is for others to judge us when they have no idea what is going on.....

[SALly]

So what's wrong with you and your marriage, littlelou?

[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

where do i begin??????? i've been married almost 9 years, my spouce and i have struggle for about the 7 years.....i gave 110% into the marriage, then i realized if he isn't trying y should i........no i am to the point where i can't even stand making love with him......he is now seeing how bad the marriage is and is willing to try........i am at a crossroads though, i don't think i want to try.....i put so much into this marriage for so long and he gave nothing that i am tired of trying.............

[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[Rich]

LittleLou....sometimes when the spark is gone....it's gone and isn't coming back. I was like that with my ex.

You can try to remember back to what attracted you to each other and try to get that back, or just up and leave. Knowing that wasted time is time that you're never getting back.

Good luck,

Rich
www.awesomerelationships.com

[inquisitive]

If you're both getting some on the side whats the point?

Your kids are going to know you're both not happy. They learn how to have happy, healthy relationships from you, and your husband's, example.

Breaking up is not always the worst thing.

[littleLou]

but my problem is that i don't want to hurt him.........pretty pathetic, huh??????

[SALly]

Even after all those years he hurt you??? May be you do still have love for him, maybe it is salvagable??!!

[Rich]

So little lou....are you living your life for you, or for him? Why did your soul come here to earth? It was so that you may achieve and realize your greatest dreams and desires. Living for another is not living.



Same goes for you Sally. Are you living or are you just existing? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Wouldn't you like to experience true love and all of those great feelings that go along with that? Don't you want to move forward? By staying married you can never feel any of this.

If you met a man that stole your heart and was everything that your soul ever wanted, you couldn't truly realize and grow that relationship because you would still be married.

We each make decisions in life. We can live. Or we can exist. There's no one choice for everyone and we each need to do what is in our hearts.

From where I stand it seems that you both sound sad. Is being sad how you want to go through life?

Rich

[littleLou]

i live my life for others........i think it's selfish to take time for yourself....everytime i say i am doing something for myself, it is really always for someone else.........so i basically am living in this marriage for him

[littleLou]

as for loving my spouse, i don't think it's love, i think it is a peaceful co-existance........

[littleLou]

Rich..............i don't know about Sally, but yes i am sad, not only on the outside but also in my heart......

[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[SALly]

I think the kids- at this point- would want us together.

[littleLou]

sally-----that is what you think......think about the example your setting for your kids.....

[littleLou]

yes, i want to be happy, but if i can't be with my one and only true love, why not just be comfortable......

[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

i'm with you sally......i am also scared as hell to go out on my own......i think taking the road "less" traveled is always scary......

[eightball61]

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[Rich]

Having a sad heart is a tough way to go through life. :(

Being sad often brings on other ailments, both physical and mental.

Tough decisions.



Other stuff. The choice of staying together for the kids or separating has no right answer. Every situation is different.

Is it better for children to be in two happy homes or stay in one unhappy one? Are the kids being negatively affected right now? Is it being selfish to want to be happy in ones own life and put your life before your childrens? Will you divorce once the kids reach 18 or 21 years of age? Will the kids feel guilty for making you stay together once they see you divorce as soon as they leave the house? Will it hurt them more then as opposed to now? What are you teaching your children about marriage and happiness by staying in an unhappy marriage? And the list goes on and on.

So many questions so little time. It's a tough decision all around with no easy answers. To each his own and do what's best for your situation.

And I can speak from experience on this subject. There's regret and sadness no matter what choice you make in the end.

Rich

[eightball61]

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[Rich]

Eh...a broken clock is right twice a day. lol

[eightball61]

Eh...a broken clock is right twice a day. lol


........ :p

[SALly]

Good one!
I'm not ready to make any kind of decision right now. Sometimes I get the feeling that I maybe things could get better. Maybe I should just try to have with him and see what happens???? Maybe some feelings would come back- can that happen? That would sort of just solve a lot, wouldn't it? We do still have some things in common. I haven't been trying 'at all' in the relationship so it is really bad right now, but if I tried.....???!!!!! :confused: :confused:

[eightball61]

................................

[Rich]

What if you had a type of "get out of jail for free card" and if you wanted to, you could tell your husband all of your true feelings about everything and there couldn't be any repercussions? Would you do it?

What if you could tell your husband every deep, dark ual fantasy or secret feeling that you had? What if you could describe and tell your husband what turned you on or what positions you really wanted to try. Would you do it?

Right now you sort of have a get of of jail card for free because nothing worse can happen to your marriage. If you think about it, your marriage couldn't get any worse emotionally, could it?

IMO, maybe have that frank discussion with your husband. Tell him that your marriage sucks and what you want. When it comes to , be bold and be different. Tell him what you want and everything that turns you on that you want him to try. Let it all out. You have nothing to lose.

Think of it as one last try and rebuilding from scratch with nothing but total honesty. What have you got lose...a marriage that you're contemplating leaving anyway?

Just a thought.

Rich

[inquisitive]

I think it's possible to get those feelings back. It has to work for both of you though. Really, it would be worth the effort if you are planning on staying in the marriage. Why not stay, and be happy, instead of staying and being miserable?

I think it would only work if it's something you want though!

[littleLou]

Sally - u never know unless you try....and when i say try i mean give your 100%

[SALly]

I guess I need to figure out what the heck I want.

[littleLou]

it's not easy, so hang in there

[eightball61]

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[Rich]

Take a break where you won't be disturbed.

Quiet the mind

Go within and find your truth.

Trust your gut / soul.

Typically our first instincts are the correct ones. Then our minds try to reason things out and things become muddled and unclear.

Not saying that your first instinct or gut feeling will be the easiest road to travel. But it will be the one that you should travel to get you to where you're supposed to and or want to be.

[eightball61]

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[SALly]

SOCIAL SECURITY :
Two men were talking. "So, how's your life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security ."
"Social Security ?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[eightball61]

SOCIAL SECURITY :
Two men were talking. "So, how's your life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security ."
"Social Security ?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


............. :p good one

[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[SALly]

maybe...I dont' know

[eightball61]

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[Rich]

You have a very dysfunctional relationship that is not healthy in the long run for you, your kids or your husband.

This whole situation is heading towards blowing up.

Right now you're taking the easiest road, not the right road.

Just imagine if you would, some years down the road when your kids are old enough and they hear "on the street" from friends, that their mother goes out and picks up guys and s around.

Kids know kids, who know kids who know lots of people who hear and see things. How do you think they'll feel when they hear that? Will they be embarrassed? Will they physically fight back to try to defend your honor becasue they won't want to believe it? Will they be made fun of or looked down upon by their peers?

You're headed for more trouble. Things might seem easy now, but it won't stay like that. IMO.

Rich

[SALly]

Wow!
But if I decide to continue in my marriage- the cheating would have to stop.

[littleLou]

sally - no one can tell you what to do, but you need to make a decision and follow through with it.....do what you think is right in your heart

[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

sally - do what you want, cheating is wrong, but feels oooooooohhhhhhhh so good

[SALly]

Are you going to continue it?
I don't know.

[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

when i can't find what i want at home, i go elsewhere......

Sally - your probably right

[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

u r assuming that i am proud about cheating, i am not proud, the only reason i am still in my marriage is for convenience, the title of "being married" means nothing to me........neither one of us are really trying in our marriage....it's a marriage of convenience......

[SALly]

Does he cheat?

[Rich]

I guess it's convenient if you have no goals in life as to your love life and what you ultimately dream of having or acheiving.

Maybe it's not convenience as much it is laziness and fear.

But to each his own. Whatever works for you at this time is all that matters. I'm sure your views will change over time. Whether that's a short time or long time, only time will tell.

Rich

[littleLou]

NO he does not cheat-------------maybe he should

[SALly]

Definitely sounds like a weird relationship you two have.

[littleLou]

thank you for your forwardness rich, but if you haven't walked in my shoes, i don't think you should really have an opinion of me.........see my marriage sucks, my family sucks and if i can find a little happiness in my life, i am going for it.......ur right, maybe i will change my mind in time, but for now, why fix something if it's working.......

[littleLou]

sally............it sounds like you can relate......

[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

i'm sure they won't get easier, but i can take it day by day

[eightball61]

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[SALly]

eightball, you hound :p

[eightball61]

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[SALly]

Probably- you are pretty scary!!!! ;)

[eightball61]

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[Rich]

What? Being in a marriage that isn't working. Being unhappy. Debating whether or not it's better to stay or leave. Thinking about a child and what's better for their emotional well being. Thinking about life and why we're here. Thinking of the financial ramifications. Thinking about what family or friends might think.

What makes you assume that I haven't been in a pair of shoes just like yours? Because I was.

In life we most always base all of our decisions on either fear or love. Fear is a negative and love is a positive. Positive is always the direction that one should strive move towards.

Is your decision on this issue based on fear or love? Are you staying for a love of you or a fear of leaving and all the hard times that will follow that?

I think that by you acknowledging that you're staying out of convenience, that it could also be interpreted that you have a fear of dealing with the "possible" hard times that would follow if you were to leave. IMO.

If two people are adult and both have the same feeling that the marriage isn't what they both want anymore, then divorce doesn't have to be a hard thing. Divorces only get nasty when one person feels slighted or doesn't see it coming. If you both know and feel the same way, then it doesn't have to be tough.

If two people can be adult and do what's right for the childrens sake, then it most often is best to make that break and let life continue. Right now you're just treading water. Heading nowhere. But hey, we each need to move at our own pace and only when we're emotionally equiped to handle certain things.

Just my opinion. Good luck, either way.

Rich

[Rich]

Good for you in trying to give it another shot. Although I still feel that your affairs will come back to haunt you somewhere down the line. Too bad if that were to happen after you worked so hard and got things to where you wanted them to be.

Plus you'll always live in fear or uncertainty that one of the guys you slept with will see you in public while you're with you husband and say hi or something. Which will then start questions.

Honesty is always the best policy. Not always the easiest, but the best.

To spice up your life you need to talk to your hubby and have him be honest about his true desires, fantasies that he's had or what turns him on that he was afraid to ask you to try. You also need to be honest and tell him what you like or want to try.

Role playing, handcuffs, rope, blinfolds, toys and an imagination are good ways to spice up the bedroom life.

I wish you luck,

Rich

[SALly]

I won't live in fear.

[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[SALly]

No problem...I think :confused:


ps I forget to say I process things rather slow :D
did you not understand what I said, or what???

[eightball61]

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[SALly]

Hard as it might be for you to believe-- I was seriously thanking you guys!!! :D

[eightball61]

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[SALly]

Geez- slow and ugly....you've got some problems dude! :eek:

[eightball61]

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[SALly]

OK we better just let it go.... I don't want to confuse you...

[eightball61]

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[littleLou]

SALly, All i can say is you are human....if you really want to salvage what is left of your marriage, you MUST stop the cheating.....if not, you should be fair to yourself and to your hubby and leave.....No one knows what you are going through in your marriage, but you have to make a decision.......It's hard, but you have to pull up your boot straps and stick with your decision........

[littleLou]

Ur an adult.....you can make up your own mind.....good luck in any decision you make.....and have fun with it

[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[eightball61]

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[Rich]

I know that I'm not on this forum as much as I used to be, but what's going on? Are feelings being hurt?

No reason for that.

Advice is requested....opinions are offered. That's all.

Not sure of where you are in all of this Sally, but all that I can say is that if you don't know where you're going, then any road will get you there.

Take some time and reflect on what you really want. And I mean what you REALLY want. Then chart a course (plan) on how to achieve it. Listen to your heart.

Life is too long to go through it unhappy or on a roller coaster.

[SALly]

Not sure what you are talking about Rich...

[Rich]

The first part I was talking about the back and forth between you and 8ball. I see all of his responses were edited last night to just contain................

I guessed I missed what transpired between you two.

The second part was dealing with your situation and figuring out what you really want to do and then doing it.

Seems right now you're just spinning your wheels and you're in for continued heartbreak.

[SALly]

Nothing is going on with 8ball and me. We are forum friends. I guess a good way to put it would be----we just deleted some things we found to be inappropriate.
Thanks for the concern about my life. It is pretty much a mess right now- emotionally. I'm not sure what I want, it seems to change daily. On my way to work today I had a realization that divorce would not be the end of my life but a new beginning....and the kids would survive well.

[eightball61]

On my way to work today I had a realization that divorce would not be the end of my life but a new beginning....and the kids would survive well.


Is that the route your willing to take rather than trying to make it work?

[SALly]

I'm not really sure. I'm beginning to think that may be best.

[eightball61]

You & your husband both had your wrong doings in this marriage and maybe it's best that you both just take a time out. I also think it may be best you leave your job or transfer to a different position because being next to that isn't helping you out much either.

[SALly]

Like I said- I've got a lot of things to think about and work out.

[eightball61]

& in order to do that you have to take things one step at a time.

[ivy]

Is that the route your willing to take rather than trying to make it work?
Sally I hope you don't mind me jumping in here with out knowing the whole situation. Just let me say sometimes we have to wait out the bad times and work through the crap. No matter who we are with there will be some rough spots or just plain not feeling in love at times. Love is not only emotional it is also a choice we have to make.
Sometimes we have to choose to love the person we are with. I hope you and your husband talk through this and try to work it out. No matter what you have to figure out what went wrong with this relationship and take time to heal before you can move on. I am kind of tired right now I hope I made some sense. I wish you the best. I know how hard it can be.

[SALly]

Sally I hope you don't mind me jumping in here with out knowing the whole situation. Just let me say sometimes we have to wait out the bad times and work through the crap. No matter who we are with there will be some rough spots or just plain not feeling in love at times. Love is not only emotional it is also a choice we have to make.
Sometimes we have to choose to love the person we are with. I hope you and your husband talk through this and try to work it out. No matter what you have to figure out what went wrong with this relationship and take time to heal before you can move on. I am kind of tired right now I hope I made some sense. I wish you the best. I know how hard it can be.
Well he went out to a "girlie" bar the other night with friends....so that's how hard he is trying in this whole thing.

[eightball61]

Well he went out to a "girlie" bar the other night with friends....so that's how hard he is trying in this whole thing.


& you allowed it ? :eek:

[SALly]

I didn't know til after. He went to the baseball game then they went after that.

[eightball61]

WOW :eek: He went behind you back after all that has happen. I would suggest that you go to a male club butthat won't help anything. My suggestion at this point is to go with your current gut feeling. :(

[SALly]

He claims he didn't want to go.... he rode with the other guys. Great excuse eh? I wonder if drugs were involved too.... I guess I should ask him that?
This all will only help me if a divorce ends up being the outcome though!!!!

[eightball61]

This all will only help me if a divorce ends up being the outcome though!!!!

It will be tough at first but with the right coaching then your proabably right about that.

There were ways for him to get home like riding with someone else, taking a taxi, calling you, or even sitting out in the friends car.....He has NO room for excuses here.

[SALly]

littlelou keeps getting on here, she must enjoy reading about my life......

[SALly]

It will be tough at first but with the right coaching then your proabably right about that.

There were ways for him to get home like riding with someone else, taking a taxi, calling you, or even sitting out in the friends car.....He has NO room for excuses here.
I know. That's true..... he is always full of excuses and lies. maybe he should end up with the exfriend ho, cuz she is the same way. But there is no way in hell I will let my kids get involved in that shit!!!

[eightball61]

littlelou keeps getting on here, she must enjoy reading about my life......

This is an open forum but she has only been reading your threads & that goes to show how exciting her life really is .....:rolleyes:

[SALly]

She's definitely psycho! She hasn't had the balls to post on here lately though. Oh well, it would just be lies anyway. She's probably trying to somehow use this against me. I must say she has been a lot quieter at work since all this happened. Some people have actually thanked me saying that she is not nearly as obnoxious anymore!

[eightball61]

She hasn't had the balls to post on here lately though

It's probably best that she doesn't because you need to be focussed on yourself and not her.

[eightball61]

p.s.

She is now in Invisible Mode :rolleyes:

[SALly]

It's probably best that she doesn't because you need to be focussed on yourself and not her.
Yeah you're right. I am focused on me though. I wouldnt' respond to her anyway. I told her that I would listen if she ever was ready to apologize or tell me the truth, but I don't want any lies. So she hasn't talked to me since. I guess that means she can't speak anything other than lies......
My mind basically right now is on VACATION...we are leaving over the weekend, coming back Friday, then leaving again Friday and going away for that weekend too. Then school starts. Summer flew by.

[eightball61]

I told her that I would listen if she ever was ready to apologize or tell me the truth,.


I doubt she will apoligize and even if she did it would be still best to leave things the way they are.


Have A Good Vacation ;)

[SALly]

I doubt she will apoligize and even if she did it would be still best to leave things the way they are.


Have A Good Vacation ;)
Thanks, we will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :p :D

[Rich]

Sally-

Divorce isn't as bad as one thinks. It depends on the people going thru it. If one is petty, immature and vindictive, then it can get messy. But if both people realize that it's probably the best way to go, then it can go smoothly.

As for the kids there's no easy answer. I would say that the younger they are the more "easier" it will be on them. although it's never totally easy. Older kids tend to resent more.

[SALly]

You know Rich, I'm finally starting to realize that divorce isn't like a death sentence. It doesn't really mean I failed. I'm feeling sort of excited...like it will be a new beginning. I'm tired to trying to hang on to something that isn't there. The hubby was really nice for a couple weeks but that was it. Apparently I'm just supposed to act like nothing ever happened- in his opinion. He has no idea why I would still be upset or want to discuss things. He doesn't really know me at all anymore. I'm tired of being the one to give in and make things smooth for everyone else. It's time for ME. I'm excited to be ME and do the things I want to do and be the person I want to be for the rest of my life. Thanks for all the encouraging comments you've given!

[Rich]

Sally-

I was like you. Thinking that marriage is forever and that if I got divorced, then i was a failure or that my kids would be totally ed up. But that's not true at all and life does go on. Most often times for the better.

Like I mentioned to you, like on page 2 ( :) ), your heart, angels, guides and soul want nothing more then for you to be happy and to feel "love". It's what we all want. You tried to supress that and think that it wasn't true, but it is. You're now finally coming around to it, like I knew you would. It's just nature Sally and it always wins.

Your soul in this lifetime didn't come to earth to live an unhappy life. And it won't.