Insecurities are driving me nuts!!!!

[bdtraders]

Everythings been going great with my SO. No complaints. On several occasions her and her girlfriends have been hangin out and they have discussed future wedding plans and it makes me smile inside hearing her talk like that. I know she loves me.
Heres MY problem. Sometimes when we are not together like when we are at work ( I have a boring job that offers me alot of time to sit and let my imagination run amuck) my mind wanders and I wonder if she is cheating on me. I want to belive that she isnt but my insecurities get the best of me. How can I stop them? How can i get more self confidence for myself?
Some friends tell me that she isnt doing anything and that they know she loves me very much and reminds me that everyone at her work knows me and would tell me, and they point out that she dosent have time to cheat cause when shes not at work shes at home with the kids or with me if im home. But then my other friends who say ALL PEOPLE are cheaters say that if my gut says shes cheating then she is.
I know im a insecure person at times and let my mind think to much (part of my job is to analyze employees day to day activity) and i think i take my job over into my personal life and analyze my relationship.

Any suggestions or insights

[eightball61]

If you run your insecurities into the relationship then you you'll ruin things. You both are in the process of trying to work together. Thinking these thoughts are not going to help you. I wish I could offer advice on how to change your thinking but thats something you will need to force yourself at doing. I used to think that way and found keeping a journal worked. I have giving you this idea before. You just need to learn to accept the happiness on who you are with and manage your boring time better like playing online games or emailing her.

[bdtraders]

Yea i have been on and off on the journal thing, everything sounds corny that i write in there. And i normally write her a letter a few times a week (did last night) and she reads them and puts them into a box, then goes to bed. No thank you no comments about the letters, just a love ya goodnight. So that kinda gets discouraging.

[eightball61]

I am no writer but I keep up with the journals. I wish I knew a way to get over insecurities but that is something that I am trying to achieve myself at the moment :D

[bdtraders]

so what do you write in your journals, cause to me when i write in them when im feeling insecure or mad it just keeps the emotion fired and breathing as i write about it?

[eightball61]

It has different effect I guess but I write in them mostly when I am bothered about something. To me it helps because I get out what I am thinking. Its like I am talking with a friend I never had. I just invision my talking with someone that actually cares and it helps me out.

[2BDMD]

Has she cheated on you before? Has she cheated on her exs before? She give you any reasons to think that she's cheating? If you answered no to all of the above, then you need to stop being so paranoid.

Now, if you answered "yes" to any of the above, then, we'll need to chat about it more.

[bdtraders]

Has she cheated on me before? not physically, but via email. Emotional

Has she cheated before with boyfriends (yes)
Have I cheated before. (Yes)

We have both talked and say that we are donw with the cheating BS, because niether one of us wants to loose the other, but i still get insecure. So does she cause she has told people she gets scared that im going to hurt her or leave her also.

[Stonesourmusic]

Heh i know EXACTLY how you feel man. I mean if you read my thread called 'alittle girlfriend halp'(help* grrr) then youd know id have alot of bad things to ponder about. Its like what 8ball told me, be strong and stick through it. I mean its the worst when you have nothing to do except think about the person you love except your thinking about all the bad things.

But if you sit aroud thinking this kinda stuff then you might convince yourself thats shes cheating when shes not, which will create a whole new set of problems.

-peace

[eightball61]

Has she cheated before with boyfriends (yes)
Have I cheated before. (Yes)

.


As we outlined at the very beginning when you first started posing here this is most likely where your problem is with eachother......

She feel insecure and act the way she does because she feels its going to hold you in and you won't ever leave. If she was smart thouth then she would stop her end because eventually it will just make you pull back because of her attitude and the fights.

Your mind fills up with these bad thoughts because she has cheated on you once. All you can't stop thinking about whether or not she is doing it again to you.

You both really need to change something for this relationship. You both are running things down in the relationship and eventually you both will be so mad at eachother you both will just learn to hate eachother. I am sure you both don't want that happening and thats why a change for "TRUST" needs to happen. "Trust" takes time and possible a long time to regain. Maybe things are just telling you that there is no way in making this wrk and thats why the fighting never stop :confused: either way you both need to work on something or realize the relationship may just be doomed.

[2BDMD]

Have I cheated before. (Yes)


People say, once we've cheated before, we tend to have paranoid thoughts about our own significant others cheating on us even when they're not.

I believe this is true, because I've cheated on my ex before and now that I'm in a new relationship, my GF cheating on me has always crossed my mine even when she's been nothing but faithful to me.

It's in our own heads, my man.

[bdtraders]

I agree with the fact that once you have cheated before it sits in your mind and you get insecure about other people you date.

My problem like my friends have suggested is that im blind in this relationship. All my others my eyes have been wide open. This one has an effect on me that made me open up and more emotional if thas the correct word. They tell me every relatiohsip calms down and its not like it used to be when it first started, and i tottaly agree with that. And thats never bothered me before in my other long term relationships, but for some reason this time my mind keeps reminding me that she said she loved to have daily at the beginning now we have it only 2 times a week (i know im ing and i prob get it more then most couples that have been together), she also made comments when we were first going out that she cant go a few hours without talking to me, but now its like she can go all day at work with out talking to me.
Me and her had a talk last night about communication and the kids and i said i agreed with her about them but as far as me and her we need to step up our communication as well. She said she didnt see a problem in our communication.

I hate to say it but we are supposed to be getting married in October, but i feel as if she is putting many things before me at this point, yesterday she took on more activites, so her already over hectic social life is even more hectic now leaving little time for "quality" me and her time. I made mention to this last night about more quality time or"date" time and she said we watch an nour of TV every night together after the kids go to sleep, i told her that i want to go on dates and the movies out to eat and the such. She said she dosent have the time for that anymore because of her "commitments"

Dont know guys, im seroisly starting to feel as if nice guys do finish last.

Maybe i can get a womans perspective on this, I write her love letters maybe 2-3 times a week, I contact her a few times during the day to tell her i love her and was thinking about her. I try to do things around the house so when she gets home she will wont have anything to do, (yet she always finds something that still needs to be done). I try to do everything that makes her happy and be there for her and her children, but it seems like the spark has dies in her.She tells me it hasnt but its just not the same anymore. What can i do or not do to relite that spark that i know she has for me. I believe alot of it has to do with "per conversations with other females" that she feels comfortable with me so she can just relax around me and colapse. Where everywhere else and around everyone else she seems upbeat and full of energy because its just an act.

Look forward to your insites. I really care about this woman and everyonce in awhile i hear something or catch a glimpse that shows me that she cares about me. I guess im just torn becuase I have one half of my friends saying stick it out until she hurts you or you live happily ever after, and the other half telling me to get the hell out before i get hurt and show her what she has lost.

[eightball61]

I know you are looking dor chareful advice but what is that going to do. You have wrote much about this girl and we have gone through the good and the bad all together. You know her transformation is not going to be a quick process. If you want to stay with her then you will have to suck it up, stay strong, and tollorate her little moments.

There are many unfair things about this relationship and your not willing to give up. We have to work with that and it can be pretty tuff after telling you the same things over and over. You will just have to have some patients to whats going on and except thing for how they are.

On one of your last post I stated something like she may never change. You have to really think about this because this may be who she really is. If this is so then you will continue to have these problems. Only she can change and telling from your last post you stated "She said she dosent have the time for that anymore because of her "commitments"" and to me that doesn't show much as an effort.

She may take on these extra thing but she has to remind herself that she also has a personal life that she has to take care of also. Having children and making plans for marriage can be another fulltime job on the side. She is just going to over work herself and I don't think saying anything will change her. She will learn though as soon as it all hits her. I know you will do anything for her but dont bend over backwards because she is tired. She put herself in that position. Still do normal activities but leave some responsibility to her also.

As I said though its going to be hard and if you plan to just stick with it then you will have to learn to handle it. Its great to blow off steam but it really doesn't resolve anything. You both are communicating but that change still hasn't took place as far as I can see.

[bdtraders]

Some changes have happened but she still is moody (and she admits it and i call her on it).

You all are very insightful ( thanks 8ball) through all of this, im just wearing down. I lov eher with all my heart and I feel as though me and her both want it to work, but she refused to let herself be hurt by a man again and that effects me and her. That is one of her big issues, mine is that I compare everything about me and her to a previous relationship I had when i was on cloud 9 and i know that is wrong.

Maybe she is showing me alot of love and i am just blind to the fact.

What is everyones opinions on what love is and how do you act when you trully love someone?

[eightball61]

I know you are wearing down and it shows it clearly. At the beginning I stated you will only be able to take so much before you quite totally. You are putting a lot into this and you have to remember you can't do it all. She needs to put her half since relationships are all about teamwork.

[bdtraders]

I dont really wanna give up on her 8ball but im so tired, im emotionaly drained, physically drained, everything. I care about her so much and dont want to picture my life without her and i know it would kill her also if i left but I honestly just want to dissapear. The only thing that stops me is my 11 year old sone that live with my exwife. If he wasnt here either would I. I would quit my job in a heartbeat and vanish. All i want is LOVE and to feel like I matter to a SO.

[eightball61]

All i want is LOVE and to feel like I matter to a SO.


Only time will tell if you get that here....Remember you can only do so much to save this. You aren't superman so dont go overboard. If after time you dont feel loved or wanted then you really need to rethink this relationship over before you end up in a hospital :p

[bdtraders]

Thanks 8ball

the worst part will be walking out of her kids lives, they are awesome kids and she is an awesome woman that needs to trust more and no be so scared. Im scared i will walk away sometime, not by choice but because ill be on the gurnny (LOL).

I just wish she could open her heart and eyes and be the person she was the first 3 months of our relationship, she was so loving in return. Now that i am around all the time i feel as if she takes me for granted. And anytime i try to talk to her about my feelings and it might make me leave she says thats my answer for everything when the going gets hard, run away. Scareiest part will be she wont stop me if i walk out.

It sucks cause I need to cheer up before i go home because i go home bumme dout about work or whatever she throws a fit. Its like i cant show emotions but she can show whatever emotions she wants.

I dunno, im lost and falling down a spiral

[eightball61]

Don't se the kids as an excuse to stay...Remember you have a life of your own and I am sure you like to have a happy one that you enjoy.

[bdtraders]

Im 32, and want a happy life with a woman that belives in romance and wants to enjoy life to the fullest.

I want to settle down, i dont party and do clubs, i cherish family and want to be the sparkle in a womans eye again.

What sucks is I know she loves me, she is just scared of giving herself 100% and getting hurt again.

[eightball61]

Im 32, and want a happy life with a woman that belives in romance and wants to enjoy life to the fullest.

I want to settle down, i dont party and do clubs, i cherish family and want to be the sparkle in a womans eye again. .

You need to keep this plan still as a target because if you lose any of it then you will be stuck and unhappy. Guide your life in direction you want it to be in. If something doesn't work out then you know you need to make a change.





What sucks is I know she loves me, she is just scared of giving herself 100% and getting hurt again.

& this is something she needs to change or she will lose you.

[bdtraders]

Today i feel so down, not sure where I stand with my SO. The problem is when i try to talk to her about my feelings she gets upset and says im taking things to personaly. She might be right. She says I love you and thats the extent of her loving nature lately. She dosent hug or kiss unless i approach her. We havent had in over a week (she swears she loves it daily, but its dies since i moved in) she locks herself in the bathroom to read and smoke everynight for and hour ( to me some of that time could be spent talking to me, or whatever). Last night she got an email from one of her employees at work and it had a video joke (commercial form overseas) that was kinda inuendo ual. I know you will say big deal its just a joke, but thats how me and her started when our relationship started. I know i take things persoanlly, but im just scared cause she dosent talk to me anymore. I had a nice 45 minutes conversation with her sister this morning and she told me that they had a huge talk the other day and her sister told her she needs to start treating people better and really went off on my SO. On top of that my SO thinks shes fat (shes very thin) and says thats depressing her. It seems every little thing sets her off. Im scared if i blow everything off and get on with my life she will say screw him he dosent care and move on, but if i try to help her she takes it as im to clingy and take things to personal.
Should i back off and give her space and let her come to me , but still tell her i love her but not call her during the day at work and cut back on my letter writings.

[eightball61]

If talking gets her mad then just back off from it. Monitor to see if she can chang eon her own without your guidence. You are only doing this because you care for her. Remember though, you can only do so much before time to through in the towel........ :(

[bdtraders]

Yea im backing off, everytime i seem to call her just to say i love her she seems to get mad, but on the other hand when i dont call her she get all mad cause "i dont love her cause i dont call"
I had a nice conver with her sis and her sis said that they got into it the other night on the phone, her sis also made mention that my SO said i take everything personal (well i do)(dont know how to change that, i et scared to loose her cause i love her so much, any help on not takig things personal?) As i type im waiting fro her sis to call me back to finish our conversation.

Im just scarred to back off to much and make her feel unwanted (she already feels unattractive and fat) and that would make her stray. I mean my heads so cloudy right now, im ussually awesome at giving advice to my friends but i cant even help myself right now its that bad, how much should I back off, what should i still do so she knows i care? I know its a fine line but whats the line, its to foggy fro me to see right now.

[eightball61]

Backing off may not be a good thing but what are you suppose to do? She gets mad when you come close and mad when you back off. If this doesn't work then I don't know what will....Sorry to say that :(

[bdtraders]

just got off the phone with her sis to finish our conversaton about how my SO really feels about me. Her sis stated that my SO does love me and i am her world, she defends me (her sis said she was trying to see if possibly my SO was having second thoughts about getting married someday) and my SO said that she loves me and i am who she wants. Her sis said that my SO is just really moody right now cause she trying to transition her life and that my SO is known to shut down and try to del with transitions on her own instead of involving others. Her sis told her that when she does that she has a tendancy to push people away and that she cant push her sis away but if she keeps it up she will end up pushing me away. I told her sis maybe i should back off a bit and her sis said yea try that and see what happens, be there for her, love her but also just take a few steps back and if she gets mad just say "well you seemed to get upset when i was always there for you so i figured i would give you some room to deal with things on your own".
So i will try backing off a bit and see where that takes us. Ill keep you posted.

How goes your homelife 8ball, getting any better?

[eightball61]

You are digging...You need to stop...I have told you to stop phoning her sister. Your problems are between you and your GF. You sister can't do anything except confuse the situation. You know what has worked and what hasn't work. Stepping back is the last step as far as I see because if she doesn't get a clue then I doubt she ever will and I will give up when it does happen.

[bdtraders]

Yea the reason i contacted her sister is because they got into it the other night on the phone and i wanted to get both sides of their story. Then we started talking about my SO and me and i asked her what my SO thought about me since at times she isnt very communative. Her sister is brutally honest with everyone and she would tell me with out a flinch if she thought i was wasting my time. She loves her sister alot but she also wont but up with her BS or allow my SO to walk on anyone else. That was my point in calling her.

When i say step back let me clarify. Instead of me calling her at work 3-4 times a day i call her once, instead of always asking her if shes ok, assume she is until she comes to me with a problem. Instead of me and her always taking the same days off together and not really doing anything, take one day off with her and one off with my buddies. Im not saying step back and totally ignore her, just give her a little breathing room and not being so clingy. I feel that maybe because i have my insecurities maybe i have been to clingy towards her and need to give her space to breath.

I will still write her letters and tell her i love her and still hold her and kiss her when i can, but im not going to go out of my way a million times like i do now (like a well trained puppy dog).

I am going to focus on my andher and the kids but i am also going to try to start focusing alot more attention on my happiness, its gonna be hard and i will be here often for a pick up, but i need to get back to the old guy i used to be where i had a big heart but also had my own hapiness.

I trully believe that to be a sucsesful couple you need to have your life together as one but also have your seperate lives. My problem is i have been giving 100% of myself to her and the kids ONLY. NO friends, everything i did revolved around her and the kids, I need to get back on track and find hapiness out side with my friends also.

Please stand by me and be here when i stumble and need a kick in the to get my feet planted again.

[eightball61]

Please stand by me and be here when i stumble and need a kick in the to get my feet planted again.


I am not going to give up but I can only give you the same thoughts for so long. When the time comes you need to read through all your threads and responses and see how alike they are. That then will remind how much things did not change.

[bdtraders]

I read all my old posts, man wtf am i doing.

Im going to go home tonight take her outside look at the stars and talk to her about this is it, we need to agree towork on things together as a couple or let meknow so i can make other arrangments. I will tell her i perfer to work things out but its needs to be a mutaul thing not just one sided.

[eightball61]

Talk again but I would leave this be as the last one for a while. Just tell her exactly how you feel when you try to talk and make things work. You need to alow this to be the last straw. You are trying and she is not. She needs to start putting her foot into this relationship. You are now just tired of the whole thing and this tiredness will eventually lead to a break up.

[bdtraders]

Thats what scares me to death, that we will break up. I know she wants me in her life and loves me. It may sound like excuses but she has been hurt in the past by men, plus by herself, and realizing true love is scaring the hell out of her.
I have seen the person that is inside her and its a beautiful person, she just need to get past the fact and the thoughts in her head that she is "a and she dosent deserve hapiness and is destined to be alone."

Shes getting more involved in the church so hopefully that will open her eyes more.

I care about her so much, and something inside me refuses to let go even through all we have been for. I know its stupid but something about her and I has me feeling like i cant just give up, i have given up on many relatinships before with out blinking an eye, but for some reason i am still drawn to her.

People say im scared to be alone, not really, ive been alone before, and i would prob be better off financially if i was on my own, so thats not it.

Is this what true love is all about, love dosent give up, love dosent run away? I dunno