Need advice on letting go of GF's past....

[Elantra]

Here is the situation......I have been with this really awesome,incredible,amazing woman for almost 2yrs now and it has been great and I am thinking of asking her to marry me next month.

Only thing is that is really haunting me is her past....see back on Valentine's weekend we spent the weekend together in this really awesome resort things were going great until we got a little tipsy and we started getting into pasts.....more me than her, but anyway she tells me about this time a few months before I met her that after she had gotten divorced she ended up in a threesome with her bf and her bf's husband...not once, but 3 times.

Now at first I felt like the fool just because after I had met her we hung around these people and I did not know the lesser and this guy telling me what a great girl I'm with and I think about other things and I feel pretty damn stupid. At first I did make her feel bad only because this girl who I love so much and had on such a high pedastal was now tarnished in some way??

Over the past few months now though I have pretty much managed to control it for the most part, but then it's almost like I punish myself with these images of him doing her and all that (without a ) and it happens every other day. They just don't stop and I never ever say anything to her about it because who the hell am I to judge her in the first place and for that matter she didn't even have to tell me.

My main concern is these damn images and thoughts and how I start to get paranoid when she wants to hang out with them....she told me if not hanging out with her bf and husband makes me feel better then we won't, but I don't want to be the one to ruin her freindship with her bf because of my insecurities.

Any thoughts on how to get my mind off of my future wife having a threesome with them.....oh yea' and sometimes when we are making love I get like a quick thought of was this how she felt when she was doing him???? What the hell is wrong with me?? She is totally committed to me and cried when she talked about it and said she would never do anything to ruin what we have....I know if I don't stop I might be the one that ruins everything.....sorry so long and thank you for any advice!!! :(

[Elantra]

Also...is it wrong of me not to want to be around these people anymore?? Just feels awkward to be around this guy now knowing that he's been there and done that and I don't ever want that to slip out of his mouth whe she might want to hang out with her bf and we get drunk next thing you know he feels free to say something.....that would be trouble, so I would rather avoid that altogether. Just weird how I don't think anything of her being with her ex when they were married, but how it bothers me that she got drunk enough to get into a threesome with her bf and her bf's husband right after getting out of a bad marriage. I am no saint either so I probably shouldn't judge, but I just don't get how she could have been so weak to give into them. :confused: :(

[eightball61]

Your only decision here is to except her for who she is. You can't change her past nor what she did. You have some things in your past that may or may not bother her. We all have some thing we enjoyed about our past and we also have thing we don't enjoy. Overall, you will have to just except that and except her for who she is now and try to work that into the future.

I believe what really bothers you the most is the fact she still wants to see them. If this wan't the case then it wouldn't bother you as much. This still runs into the part that you have to except her but also trust her in not doing again while with you. If you both were married then my opinion would differ. Right now these are friends of hers and she doesn't was to lose that friendship. If you both were married then I would really feel uncomfortable about te situation but I can't chose her friends. I would suggest I go hang with them as a group and also they can still talk over the phone and stuff.

This all still runs into having respect though. You need to respect her and trust her decision that its not going to happen and she also needs to respect on how much she sees them. These are friends to her but they shouldn't be put ahead of you since you both are in a relationship working towards a marriage.

[inquisitive]

If it bothers you this much, and she's willing not to spend time with them, then why not stop hanging out with them? At least for now. Put some time, and distance between them and you guys. See if you can get past this. It's her past. At some point you have to let go, and realize that she can't change that, and accept her for who she is. It may be easier to do that without them in the picture.

[Rich]

I would try to get to the bottom of exactly why she had a threesome with them?

Does she like that? Need that? Would she want to do more of that? Would she maybe want to wife swap with them after you're married?

Get to really know her ual proclivities. Who knows, she might be satisfied with just you for awhile, but what happens when your life slows down? And it will. Will she want to spice it up? Will she slip away to be with them without you knowing it?

I agree that it would be uncomfortable for you to be around those friends in a social setting when they have shared what they shared. You won't have that bond that they have and won't "get the joke", sort of speak. Unless that is if you have a threesome with your GF and her friend to sort of make it even. I'm betting that if you asked, that it would happen.

I suspect that if you stay friends with them that this subject will come up at some point when you're together and having drinks. That they'll want to wife swap or have an or something. Either you're cool with that or your not.

I would just have your GF be honest about her true ual feelings now before you ask her to marry you. She can make all the promises that you want to hear right now, but if she likes it, she likes it.

Rich

[Diablo]

She didn't even know you then; however, if it's messing with your head that much, tell her. Explain that you understand that you didn't even know her then, but it would mess with your head for y'all to hang out with that couple. Perhaps after a while, you'll be more comfortable with y'all going over there. These days, you're not likely to find a virgin anyway, so it's good to let the past be the past. The past only causes problems when you let it screw up the here and now. Lots of people will have a roll in the hay with someone and then not anymore.

[Elantra]

Thanks for all the advice everyone......

Rich.....She told me that When she was married that her ex talked her into swapping this one time with them and she did it and so that also led to the end of her marriage to this guy and some other things that he had done contributed as well.

What I still don't get is why she went back after she separated and had threesomes with them?? She told me that she got really drunk and that they persuaded her into it. She told me that her main reason for doing it was that she wanted to mess around with her bf, but then of course her husband had to get involved and then she said after those few times it got to where it was just her and her bf messing around while he was asleep. Then she said she basically had..had enough and quit going over there all together.

Then she met me 4 or 5 months later and said she would never want to try that with me at all and that she does not want to share me with anyone :) !!! I asked her if she enjoyed being with them and she said it was just ......so cool.....I know she is strongly committed to me as I am her, but they did last year around this time try to get us to swap with them one weekend and I was wasted as well, but then I regained my senses and turned them down as did she. What the real problem is for me is I just cannot shake some of these damn graphic images I put in my head along with thoughts.

Maybe if I think about it so much to the point as to where I will get tired of thinking about it.....maybe it will lose it's effect on me and just die off......

What do you guys think??

[Elantra]

If it bothers you this much, and she's willing not to spend time with them, then why not stop hanging out with them? At least for now. Put some time, and distance between them and you guys. See if you can get past this. It's her past. At some point you have to let go, and realize that she can't change that, and accept her for who she is. It may be easier to do that without them in the picture.

That is so true.....thank you for the advice!!!! I know she loves me with all her heart and the second and last time that I had brought it up to her she started to cry and say that it was a stupid thing to do and that at the time she was not thinking about the future or ever meeting someone like me. I felt so bad for this that I tell myself I will never ask her about it again, but I also do not tell her about what runs through my mind at least once a day because I don't want her to get upset again or to think that I love her any less.

Weird situation for me......I don't want to ruin her freindship with her bf because of this, but then when she tells me that they want to hang out or go have drinks I get paranoid about this guy wanting to try and hook it up with her again and me with his wife, so far I have been able to keep us out of this situation, but it's just those damn thoughts...uuuuggghhh!!! When I see this guy again I know that is the first thing that will come to mind and I will watch everything he says or does around her.

I kind of wish that she would have never told me and we would still hang out with them and I would not have ever known any of this and it could be how it was before, hung around the guy and everything was cool....now I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. The reason she told me though was because she did not want me to hear it from them when we might be hanging out having drinks and he lays that on me second-hand....I appreciated the hell out of that from her and I will not let this destroy what we have together now or in the future....just gotta' get rid of those damn thoughts.

[eightball61]

Maybe if I think about it so much to the point as to where I will get tired of thinking about it.....maybe it will lose it's effect on me and just die off......


Eventually it will wear off you but you need to let it go first. Talking about it is an ok thing to do but eventually you may need to just suck it up and allow it to be forgotten about. Your mind will keep it as a memory to bother you but eventually it will just move on and not hit so hard on you. What I am trying to say that this issue will always be there and you just have to learn to except and move on. If you dont then you take the chance at ruining the relationship.

[Rich]

Her friendship with them is never going to end unless you guys move far away.

You will always have thoughts in your head that will chip away at your relationship with your GF especially when you two get into a fight.

There might also be times when you walk into the room and she's talking on the phone and then hangs up when you come in. You'll always be wondering who she was talking to. You'll probably always go to check up on her to see if she's lying to you. You'll check the phone bill and see how many times she calls them. You'll check emails and im threads. Etc., etc., etc. Your relationship won't be very trustworthy which is essential to having a great relationship.

Being drunk might have been her excuse the first time. But going back for more was because she likes it. And yes...she doesn't want to share you, but she didn't come out and say that you won't be sharing her. lol

And look at that...they propositioned you already about swapping. I hit that one on the head. :-)

If you continue to live near these people this "issue" is always going to be an issue. Either move far away or learn to deal with always feeling nervous about your GF / Fiance/ Wife.

Rich

[Elantra]

Well...thank you to both of you for the excellent advice!!! Yea' rich you were dead right on that one and that same social function is going to happen next weekend and they want us to go again. She already told me we don't have to if it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't want to ruin what she has with her bf....what a dilemma!! That part though about going back again is what I am talking about...she did like it...why?? What was so exciting....this guy is a flake and he propositions other couples all the time and even let my cousin have a threesome with them??? What was it?? More wanting to mess with her bf like she told me or did she like being with him too?? Bothers the hell out of me!!! Plus this guy knows what I get everynight and that bothers me.....

Her being with her ex doesn't even cross my mind....she was married...hell I have an ex it's expected, but when I think about this guy being with her and his wife it's like......uuughghhh!!!! WHAT THE F!!! Whatever...gotta' learn how to deal. They are both very attractive people, but what I mean is this guy is a flaky-ass mofo from hell. How could she lower herself to let this guy in like that??? See, that's what it's like all day sometimes....just don't get it??

The problem is with that drunk thing is that yea'...I have a baby drinker on my hands....when she gets really drunk I have to baby sit and we are trying to stay away from that as well. It's just funny Rich how I tell myself everyday that it's no big deal and to stop thinking about it, but I deliver packages for a certain company and I am my only company all day so that is what runs through my head over and over.

Ironically I told you last night we haven't seen them since she told me about all this....I run into the damn guy today at one one of my stops!!!! :rolleyes: The guy is acting like we are old pals and talking about this new job he is at and guess what I was thinking about the whole time...pretty much felt like I didn't even hear a word he said. Oh well.....I am noticing the thoughts are less frequent and starting to bother me to where I get irrated enough to make myself not think of that........my own hell I guess. Thanks for all the advice guys!!!! You ever need advice from me just ask.

[eightball61]

Its ok not to except a friendship from these guys if you dont want to. They are being nice and trying to make a friendship happen. It may not ease anything on your end if you make peace with them. Your mind has racing around with thought and will continue when you are with them on about what happened in the past.

You need to just do what you think is right and will help to move on. If you dont want to go to that function because of that them dont but maybe if you giv eit a try them go abouts your own business. You are doing a nice thing in communicating with them but even still its not helping. You need to establish a game plan where you can just focus on you and the future with your girlfriend. Ask her for help if you like but also express you dont want this to ruin anything. You both have to work to gether on this but its more all about you and how you control your thoughts.

[Rich]

Your GF isn't totally into giving it up. By her saying that it's up to YOU and how comfortable you are, whether or not you guys go, shows just that.

If she just wanted you then she would step up and say that she knows that it bothers you and that she doesn't want to go. She's putting it on your shoulders and hoping that you'll feel guilty into going.

As to why she likes it, only she can answer that. When it comes to , different things turn people on. There's no rhyme or reason. Your GF is more ually freer than you. Either learn to deal with it and find a common ground, or move on.

If she's more into the being with the girl part, because afterall, she can get from you what she is getting from him. Then offer to find a different girl with her that you both can be with. That you'd be open to guy/girl/girl if she really needs that every once in awhile.

Good luck,

Rich

[inquisitive]

Well...thank you to both of you for the excellent advice!!! Yea' rich you were dead right on that one and that same social function is going to happen next weekend and they want us to go again. She already told me we don't have to if it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't want to ruin what she has with her bf....what a dilemma!! That part though about going back again is what I am talking about...she did like it...why?? What was so exciting....this guy is a flake and he propositions other couples all the time and even let my cousin have a threesome with them??? What was it?? More wanting to mess with her bf like she told me or did she like being with him too?? Bothers the hell out of me!!! Plus this guy knows what I get everynight and that bothers me.....

Her being with her ex doesn't even cross my mind....she was married...hell I have an ex it's expected, but when I think about this guy being with her and his wife it's like......uuughghhh!!!! WHAT THE F!!! Whatever...gotta' learn how to deal. They are both very attractive people, but what I mean is this guy is a flaky-ass mofo from hell. How could she lower herself to let this guy in like that??? See, that's what it's like all day sometimes....just don't get it??

The problem is with that drunk thing is that yea'...I have a baby drinker on my hands....when she gets really drunk I have to baby sit and we are trying to stay away from that as well. It's just funny Rich how I tell myself everyday that it's no big deal and to stop thinking about it, but I deliver packages for a certain company and I am my only company all day so that is what runs through my head over and over.

Ironically I told you last night we haven't seen them since she told me about all this....I run into the damn guy today at one one of my stops!!!! :rolleyes: The guy is acting like we are old pals and talking about this new job he is at and guess what I was thinking about the whole time...pretty much felt like I didn't even hear a word he said. Oh well.....I am noticing the thoughts are less frequent and starting to bother me to where I get irrated enough to make myself not think of that........my own hell I guess. Thanks for all the advice guys!!!! You ever need advice from me just ask.

If she is willing to not go, and not associate with these people then don't. She's showing you that she knows it bothers you. You don't have to cut contact off forever, but if it bothers you this much then don't hang out with these guys. I'm sure she'd rather be with you than them, as she's said to you more than once that you don't have to right?

[Elantra]

Back again....thanks for all the previous advice guys it has helped to an extent. Do any of you know if you can be hypnotized to block out certain memories?? Still having those damn images come up at least once a day and it bothers the hell out of me, but at the same time I try to break it down and question it and so on?? Why do I do this to myself I have no idea....just wonder why it still bothers me like this. Any ideas??

[eightball61]

Sorry to hear you are still have these thoughts and images in your head. As I kinda said before its going to be tough to let go. You need to ask yourself this " Do I trust her"....If you answer "yes" to that then you need to build off from that. No matter how you look at things it's always going to be hard to let go because this is something you can't imagine her doing.

I don't know if there is an easier way to get it off your mind. Before you plan to marry this girl I strongly suggest you find a way to fight these toughts off. If you carry these problems into a marriage then it can cause future problems. You want to enter marriage on a clean slate and if you can't then you need to move on but you have to remember that we all carry a past so moving on may not help.