I Really Need Your Advice

[LilCutieFreak]

:confused:
Me and my bf who we will call "DJ", have been dating for 11 months..Starting out, it was more of a thing but it grew. He told me about his ex who we will call "Kar". He said that she was in ATL in school. They we're never on a relationship type thing even though she may think so. eventually me and dj grew closer into a relationship. We spent all our time together. Occasionally, I would check his phone and see messages from kar. The messages gave off the impression that she was speaking to him on the regular. I asked him about it (without letting him know i was snooping through his phone) He made it seem like they were still friends and she still was in love with him..cut to three weeks ago..i get a phone call from his phone. It hung up so I call back. Kar answers the phone and tells me she's his girlfriend and they have been talking for 4 years. I told her to put him on the phone but he hangs up. The next night he's at my house trying to explain with all the sorry's. He admits that he never let her know about me and he thought she wasn't coming back from ATL. He didn't know how to play the situation so he went along with it. He tells me he wants to be with me and he's going to let her know. A few days later, she calls me back and says that he's moving in with her, he's not going to be with me. I tell her to put him on speakerphone so I can hear for myself. He says he's sorry and he cant talk to me any more. I tell them both thats cool, have a nice life together. That was it I thought until he called about a week later saying he made a big mistake. He's going to prove it to me. We going to get an apartment together. He will follow me wherever I go. I ask why he moved in with her and he says because it was convenient and he had nowhere to go at the time. She calls at times when he's with me and she'll make comments like "I know where ur at and what ur doing" He doesn't seem to care like he's trying to make her brake it off with him. He cant be a man and take the responsibility of hurting someone. Im so confused because I love him so much. I believe he will leave her..but I dont know if they will cut off contact. I gave him til the 1st to make something happen

[eightball61]

This a tough one because I would have never taken him back after what he put you through. He lied about the whole thing and decides to through a wammy on you by saying he is moving with ths other girl.

Traditionally, I would say you dont need him but you are looking for a way to work it out. The problem is I don't know if your mind will let it go. Its going to take tme to let go his lies and what he put you through..

Relationships and feelings are not made to be toyed around. He though it would be better with her and he found out it wasn't. He took a chance and lost out on something. It is his fault for losing out and not yours to suffer on. If he wants to lose all contact with this girl then it needs to happen and she needs to be told. If she continues to call that is a form of harrassment. He is the one at this time that needs to put effort into showing he wants you back.

If you decide to get right back into things with him then you both need to start off slow. You need to allow your mind to accept what happened and try to try the new side of your partner. I don't suggest gett an apartment right off because I have the fear he is trying to milk off from someone. He told you he went with her because he had no place to go and that sticks up a red flag to me. You both need to start off like the relationship is brand new and he has to work with that. He has to understand what he did was wrong and that it will take time to regain the trust and bring the relationship back to where it was left off.

[Rich]

So you want to be with a man that chose someone else before you and who can't be a man a make decisions on his own? That you're second best at best.

It amazes me what people will accept and settle for in relationships. And I have to ask, why?

Do you have low self esteem? Don't you think more about yourself then second best? Do you not think that you deserve to be with someone that has the same feelings about you that you have for them? That will love you as you love them?

What makes you think that in the future that he will now put you first? Actions speak louder than words. He can come back and promise you the world, but his actions spoke more to his true feelings for you than anything that he could possibly now say.

IMO, if you accept this type of behavior, actions and feelings about you, then don't get upset or when you get shit upon or treated badly by this guy in the future (and you will). Your eyes should be wide open as to his true feelings and you're just going to have to accept whatever comes your way because it's your own fault.

We're all God's creatures with our faults and good points. We're all beautiful in our own way and each of us have a lot to offer to this world. It's a shame a lot of people don't feel strongly about who they are and how they should be treated.

IMO, why accept being second best when you don't have to.

Rich

[Rykitten]

LilCutieFreak, Rich is right on point. I know it sounds harsh but if he really loved you, he'd put you first. I was in a relationship for 4 years that started out like your situation. I loved him, supported him, gave him everything I could and he took it all and still left.

Men like him are selfish. To me it sounds like he doesn't know what love is yet. Don't wait for him to change because you could be waiting forever and putting up with a whole lot of bullshit in the meantime. You'll probably never trust him and that won't be healthy for you. You want it to work and he can't make up his mind.