relationship article

[bdtraders]

Have you ever been looking intently for something you lost and when you finally stop looking for it somehow magically appears? This principle works the same way. When you relax, stop pursuing your spouse and simply get on with your own agenda, a magical thing occurs. The distancer stops running and begins to move into the space you created as you moved out of it. They finally feel the freedom to come towards you and the relationship. When making the decision to let go it is often best to state it to the other. “ I am going to stop chasing after you and give up my personal time and energy when it just seems to push you away. I love you very much and I want to be closer. I hope this gives you the space you need.”
After saying this you must act on it. Stop checking up on them, doing stuff for them, and giving up things you want to do for your self. If he was supposed to be home for supper at five and he decides to stay out later, don’t hold supper; go out and enjoy yourself. Stop organizing your life around the other person. This is not a quick fix and takes time and patience, but it will happen that they feel the gap and start to move into it.
Do something different. Whatever you were doing wasn’t working anyways. Most marriage counselors agree that just doing something different, no matter what it is, creates opportunities for change. What have you got to lose?


STOP TAKING YOUR PARTNER’S BEHAVIOR SO PERSONALLY
We tend to take our partner’s behavior towards us very personally. We take offense at tones of voices, patterns of communication, punctuality habits, cleanliness habits, etc. etc.
Ask yourself a question: If your partner was with someone else, instead of with you, do you really think he or she would be acting very differently? If you can step back and see that your partner would be acting very similarly with another partner, why on earth are you taking his or her behavior so personally? Do you think your partner owes it to you to change who he or she is for your benefit? Do you have any perspective on how difficult it is to change personality characteristics?
Think of your own habits, patterns etc. – the ones that really bother your partner. Are they really aimed personally at your partner, or are they simply part of the current package called “you,” a product of your personality and upbringing and other life experiences? Do you sometimes make internal and/or external commitments to change something for the sake of your partner (communicate more, clean better, be more punctual, be more forgiving, be more aware of their needs, etc.) but then you “slip”? Was it always personal, or do you just find that it is difficult to change?
Relax the drama. Stop believing that if your partner really loved you he or she would change all of his or her behaviors to make you happy. It is simplistic and unrealistic. Enjoy each other, including those habits and patterns. Laugh instead of getting angry, frustrated, or hurt. Do yourself, your partner, and your relationship a favor.
Have a playful discussion about the things you take personally. Ask for help in remembering this. Choose a lighthearted signal, an action of a word, that your partner can use when perceiving you taking things too personally. Set yourself free.
copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved


Do you think this is true? whats your opinions, if you back away in a relationship will your So really get closer to you?

[Rykitten]

I read your other thread and have to say, I was exactly where you are. One important thing I've learned from this is to put your needs first. Take care of you first and foremost.

I do think this article is true but for the wrong reasons. Don't change your ways because you are trying to draw your SO closer. I think that sort of like game playing. Do it for yourself. Don't give up the things you love to do because you want to spend more time with your SO.

[eightball61]

It can go either way....I am a believer though that if a SO distances themelves then thy are just setting up for thier partner to think other thoughts which could eventually lead to a breakup or something worse like cheating.

Communication should be very strong to make a relationship work. I have seen often times from posters that is a partner lacks the communication then they either are lost to whats going on in the relationship or they just go find love elsewhere.

Relationships should be two partners that are active in each others lives and communicates well with each other. We all know this is probably just a dream but it has proven that in relationship where this is strong then they have better chances of lasting than ones that lack the communication. I call it a dream because we often see negative things here about relationships which can leave a person to believe that there is no such thing as a happy relationship. The problem is though they are wrong and there is happiness out there...You just have to get off your butt and go find it.(not refering to cheating)

Some spouses though will try to find out whats wrong if you back away. They will only put so much effort before they give up. My advice is if you or anyone tries to distance themselves from a partner then be honest to them if they come and ask you about it. If you dont answer the first time that may be the only time you have to answer....

Also I agree with Rykitten and don't change anything because of this article. Do what you have to do in your current relationship and see what pans out.