what is appropriate in the club?

[allendellon]

I’ve been in the relationship with my girlfriend for over a year. We met, big surprise, at the workplace. We spend a lot of time with each other and have a lot of fun. We still do but sometimes we have our bad days. We argues more that we both want to. But overall we still care for each other a lot. We are talking about moving in together. Lately I was feeling insecure and here is why.
Before we met she used to go to clubs a lot and she used coke and ‘e’ on couple of occasions. (I never did). She also engaged in cyber . Her previous relationships seemed normal. She never cheated on her exs or anything.
Here is what happened. I saw a picture from a bachelor party of a guy in her photo album. I told her that I think it is inappropriate to keep those pictures with pictures of her family. She said that this is her past and she has other pictures from the time when she was partying that she wants to keep and may be even show our future children. I don’t think those pictures are appropriate at all. Now, I’m confused about what kind of partying she really did. She said that if she liked the guy she would let him dance with her and something else. What else I was too afraid to ask. So what do you think is appropriate at a club? Is she right about keeping an album with those pictures even if it hurts my feeling? I just don’t know if I can trust her?

[eightball61]

This is her past and you will need to except what she has done. You need to except her for who she is now. Some people hide things in thier past but it kinda seems she is really open because she told you about ex's, the drugs, and even showing you pictures. You are getting worried because you think there is alot more that happened and if there was more then who care??? thats because it was her past.

If the pictures and the talking bothers you then just tell her that you rather just hear about things now and into the future. Let her know its ok to know more about the past but you want to know about childhood things or family events. The pitctures bother you and maybe its best she just keep them away. You can't tell her to get rid of it but just ask her to respect that you dont want to see these guys and just have her look at it on her own time.

If you take this approach then you both will be working together and compromising. This is your goal.....You don't want to against each other so suggest what I went over if you like the idea and lets see how things go from there.

[allendellon]

Thank you eithball61 for the reply. I know it is wrong to obsess about her past myself. I believe that in all situation when somebody past bothers us it is not about the past itself but whether we relate to their past. If we can accept and understand it. To me, if a girl in a club goes home with the guy or lets him fondle her left and right she behaving immorally. But it all comes down to what our society is willing to accept as moral or appropriate. That is what I’m freaking out about. I don’t know what she did but I want to find out in hope that it will tell if she the right girl for me. I also want to know what is bad and what is not in our times for 22-24 year old girl in a club to do. I have a cousin that made out with random guys at a club but I don’t care about it and still highly think of her based on different qualities. But It is very different (double standard) when it comes to somebody I love as a possible mother of my kids.

What bothers me the most that she ignored that I said to keep those pictures elsewhere. They made me uncomfortable. I feel that she cared so much about her past that she would rather hurt my feelings then dismiss it.

Should I ask her to tell me what she did in the clubs? Should I tell her not to bring it up again? Should I talk to her about this at all or just forget about it?

[eightball61]

Asking her will will only make things worse on your end. You want to know what she did but if she tells you something you don't like then you are going to get bothered and annoy her with your thoughts.

As I said you can't change her past for her nor she can even do that for herself. You have to just learn to except and move on. If you can't then just leave the relationship but that won't do you any good because you may end up with another person with another past and you will be back right where you started.

If you want to have that life of having a wife and kids then you need to learn to grow. Relationships are part of growing and making something for the future. Right now you are stalling things by not letting her past go. Eventually she will just give up and you'll end up spending a great deal blaming yourself. Before that happens protect yourself and just stop.

She is most likely not doing this on perpose. If she is then thats a cruel thing to. I highly doubt its intentianal and she just wants someone to share the past with...Does she have any close friends that are girls?

I am the type that like to share my past. I dont want to let go to my memories because they are what I considered fun. She may be going through the same thing and I will say its hard try to except that some people like a partner doesn want to hear about it. I told my girlfiend just about everything in my past. I shared because I wanted her to know me more but some things I could have left out. She told me what is ok and not ok to talk about. I respected that and try to keep to her wishes...altough i did have a hard time at first doing that :rolleyes:

Its going to take time for her to get used you are not interested in those things. You just need to tell her nicely whats is ok and what you bothers you. If she tries to bring up stuff in the future then just cut in and start another conversation...Its all easier said then done but you just need to reassure the situation and dont press her to share the past.

[Diablo]

You shouldn't have to ask what she did at the clubs. It should be fairly obvious. However, it is the past. I don't think that pictures of men from her clubbing days belong in the same photo album as pictures of her family and I did a double take when I read that she was thinking of showing those pictures to her kids someday. Someday we'll walk in the tv room and find kids watching this:*Adopts voice of Mr. Rogers* "Can you say pecker? I know you can." *back to normal voice* All joking aside, I hope she at least waits until the kids are teenagers to show them those pictures.

[Elantra]

Let me just add this if I may......do not ask questions that you know you probably won't like the answers to. I know this from personal experience and for some reason once I hear something I am like a cat and let my curiosity get the best of me when I shouldn't, but I do know that the good thing is now I know everything and I was able to use that info to base my future decisions regarding her on.

Just dealing with the info itself though is the hardest part.....I know now who she was then and I definitley know who she is now and she is not even anywhere near the same person she was then.

Basically if you do ask get ready to go into a tailspin for a little while if it's not what you want to hear and if so, then you are cool and what was the harm?

[Rich]

Using coke and E shows a lack of maturity and intelligence. You also don't just stop using. Is she still using? Periodically?

Sounds like she used to get wasted and ed guys that turned her on. She poped pills and snorted to lower her inhibitions. I would be nervous about how many guys she did. If she was wasted, guaranteed she didn't use protection or force her partner to use it either.

Aids doesn't show up for awhile. If she's hanging with people who do drugs, then it's possibly not just coke. Not saying she used other drugs, but the people she hangs with probably did / do. Did they use needles? Swap needles? There's some more aids worry.

IMO, stay away from people who don't have sense enough not to do drugs. It's shows an emotional weekness and a lack of self control. Those personality traits don't just go away. You'll be dealing with those traits in other forms the longer you stay with her.

From what you said about the pics and her wanting to show her children one day, that also indicates a lack of maturity. Sounds like this girl likes to party and still wants to do it. And if you get married and go "out", will she want to pop some pills to "have a better time"?

I'd tread lightly with this girl and get answers to your liking before making any long term plans with her. IMO I'd also like to see some track record and her backing up her words also before making long term plans.

Saying is easy, doing is harder.

Good luck,

Rich

[allendellon]

Hi Rich, She is not using any more. She used them only a handful of times and didn’t use needles. As far as I know it was just to experiment and have fun. As eithball61 was saying those memories are fun for her and she doesn’t want to let them go. I need to know what those memories are because she is fond of them. I do want to ask what exactly she did. And if it is what you said in terms of irresponsible ual behavior I will have to break the relationship up. It is one thing if she would have let them go but if she is clinging on to those memories that is disturbing. I just cannot deal with that kind of staff. For now I think that it was fairly innocent (bump and grind).

[eightball61]

You can't have it both ways....You want to know what those memories are but then you don't want to be bothered. You just have to accept or don't accept. Just remember that even with another partner you may still get bothered by thier past so maybe you just need to suck it up or stay single. Please don't think I am being harsh....I am just being blunt so you know how it is.

[allendellon]

I agree that sometimes it is not wise to know too much. I knew that she did coke and e from the beginning. She never made it a secret. We have been together for 1.5 years now. She never ever showed any interest in going back to it. But she dropped the ball. She herself said something to me that hurt my pride. I didn’t ask for it.

She also reacted negatively to revealing pictures of my exes. I told her that if she wants me to remove them from the album I will because her feeling mean to me more than a simple picture. I don’t have to display it and throw it in her face. She said not to.

I’m not looking to have a trial on her prior behavior. I just want to see that our relationship and my feelings mean to her more that staff she did years ago. We had talked about moving in together and I need to be sure that she can take care of my emotions and not hurt them any more.

About a month ago she mentioned that she had cyber long time ago. I never experience it myself so humans are known to afraid of unknown. It made me uncomfortable too but I got over it. A month later she shot me with another arrow.

She works with the women that I slept with long time ago and she knows it. I’m afraid that she harbors subconscious resentment and anger towards me and it shows in the lack of compassion and understanding my feelings. I need to do something to try to save this relationship otherwise it is over.

However I do agree that bringing it up might not help at all and take a turn for the worse. Confusion and depression rein in my head.

[eightball61]

However I do agree that bringing it up might not help at all and take a turn for the worse. Confusion and depression rein in my head.


Then in that case try to trick yourself to let it be before you make matters worse on yourself on yourself. I can;t hold you back but it allready has proven that digging for what you want to know is not going to help, so then whats the point? You are just going to allow to much stress get in the way of the relationship and it will be over before you know it. Be smart and think before you act......

[allendellon]

You are right. Digging in is dangerous and will ultimately even hurt me more. I get that. She hurt me so much I was in agony for days. I feel like I’m disconnected from her. I wish her to show some empathy towards me.

It is funny how all relationships start out so pure and nice and then later after arguments, miscommunication, and lies they become one huge balance sheet of positive and negative, betrayal and trust, love and hate, compassion and resentment. I don’t want to be an accountant I just want to be content. I still love her and think that she is special but I need to recharge… I’m lost…She doesn’t understand my pain…

[eightball61]

It is funny how all relationships start out so pure and nice and then later after arguments, miscommunication, and lies they become one huge balance sheet of positive and negative, betrayal and trust, love and hate, compassion and resentment.


The change happens because in most relationships the couples spend the first months trying to impress each other. After a while the real person come out and that when you see if that person is actually for you or not.

My goal here though is to get you to realize whats going to happen if you dig. It seems you finally got it but know you need to put it into action. It wont be an easy task but you need to just appreciate her for now and the future. If not then you lose out on her.

[allendellon]

I did talk to her and we cleared things up. It turns out she didn’t say she wanted to show them to kids she said the opposite. Her times at the clubs were not a wild as I was imagining and she didn’t behave irresponsibly at all. She would just dance and then go and talk to guys she liked. I think she was just as a regular girl looking to prove herself so to speak and see if she can get attention but not something else… No one night-stands, or groping were involved. I believe that initial argument reflected her being upset over my pictures and she was being defensive and aggressive as we spoke then.

Dear eightball61 I understand your point about past being past but sometimes you need to dig it to find out what the person is really like. Some people can leave under current circumstances and be happy. I need a deep emotional attachment to a person as a whole her past, present, and future. Going into intimate details about other boyfriends is wrong but knowing ual appetites and group behavior patterns is very important. I’m still trying to discover more about her and see if she is the one.

Thank you everyone for replying to the post. It was a great help and provided great and needed support. I love this forum and probably will be guilty of using again sometime.

[eightball61]

I did talk to her and we cleared things up. It turns out she didn’t say she wanted to show them to kids she said the opposite. Her times at the clubs were not a wild as I was imagining and she didn’t behave irresponsibly at all. She would just dance and then go and talk to guys she liked. I think she was just as a regular girl looking to prove herself so to speak and see if she can get attention but not something else… No one night-stands, or groping were involved. I believe that initial argument reflected her being upset over my pictures and she was being defensive and aggressive as we spoke then.

I am glad to hear that you both were able to talk this out and come to an understanding of everything.


Dear eightball61 I understand your point about past being past but sometimes you need to dig it to find out what the person is really like. Some people can leave under current circumstances and be happy. I need a deep emotional attachment to a person as a whole her past, present, and future. Going into intimate details about other boyfriends is wrong but knowing ual appetites and group behavior patterns is very important. I’m still trying to discover more about her and see if she is the one.


I understand your point here but you have to compromise with yourself if you want to dig further. I am giving advise understanding you can't stand her past. The only way to fix is don't dig. I understand you want to know your partner and I do the same thing but if you are asking then you have to be setup for not everything in the past you will like. If you want to know more about her past then you have to get over the fact it bothers you. You are asking her about it and she is telling you like you wanted. The only other way to solve it is just let the past be and work on what you have now with her.

You both have talked about things and I am glad you both came to an understanding. I am just trying to make you aware that asking about her past is only going to set you up for being bothered. If you want to know about her past then you have to learn to deal with what you are going to hear. If you don't like it then don't ask. The past is not suppose to affect a relationsip like this. She is living now and for the future to move on from the past. We all make those mistakes and pay from them. What she did is what she did and she can't change that. Work on what you have going now.