dotlink
02-19-2010, 12:33 PM
Hello, first time poster
I dont normally write on forums & I suppose therefore that this is an act of desperation & I dont know if ill regret this afterwards.
This is going to be a bit long & rambly i apologise in advance
Im 20 years old and go to University. When I went back for my second year I was rather a broken person. The summer had not been kind to me as I suffer from anxiety/ OCD plus a person I liked with similar issues to me knocked me back which was tough to take.
I wont go too far into that but thats a brief background. So October '09 comes along and my housemate (close friend who lives near to me back home) cousin comes down for her half term (shes 17). I finally agreed with people who said to me best things in life you dont expect/ come naturally. We just clicked and hit it off.
Being me im a bit cautious about taking things too far too fast but for the first time I got a feeling that we had mutual feelings for each other, dont mean to sound arrogant or up myself when I say that.
So we chat after her visit on facebook (as is the way these days) and swap numbers etc. Finally plucked up the courage if she fancied hanging out one day to which she said yes, quite shocked and surprised at that. We hung out in a place near to the both of us went to the cinema, got coffee etc once in November and December. Things were going good, slowly but gradually.
January 1st I asked her out properly: she said no (in effect) beucase of her cousin (she saw as intrusive) and the distances to where we lived. Waited until the 23rd (due to exams for the both of us) before got my oppourtunity face to face to talk things over and we agreed to 'see how things go' & to quote her 'its not a yes its not a no.' To be honest I was over the moon didnt expect a yes and to....i dont know fall into my arms like that, I was happy, very happy with that outcome.
2 weeks later I go down to her house and we watch a film (films were our thing we did together) & we spend all day in her room and we moved things further by being couched (sp?) up together , holding hands . Not that i want to sound a) cheesy b) naive c) overplaying it.
I went away thinking things had gone well. 2 weeks later she came down for her half term to our house in the town I go to university. She was staying with her cousin which was fine we both agreed to it , it would have been weird if she stayed with me with her cousin downstairs. Last Sunday then during a house party we were having i brought her into my room & gave her her valentines present (we arent big on valentines so just bought her some chocolate). Then we lay there for about 3 hours and we had our first kiss together and we were for want of better description or words very close at that point and we discussed the 'next step' as it were.
Woke up the next morning top of the world as anyone would I suppose. I went out that day to a doctors appointment and would be gone for most of the day so as i was leaving was chatting to her and maybe in hindsight did the wrong thing of kissing her on the head as I left. Later that evening she sat me down and said can we just be friends.
Really went through me, we spoke about things that evening but sensible as she always is after a while speaking she decided best we sleep on things, kissed me on the cheek and went to bed as did I.
We spoke then the next morning for a long time. She said that she 'just cant' & that it was not to do with me. I never found out what that reason was. I probably did the worst thing of breaking into tears and she welled up aswell & left the room once feeling sick.
To cut this story short I could not find out what the cant was about, i mean the reader here may think its an excuse but I dont mean to sound in denial or anything but she is as honest as the day, she knew I worried extensively over literally everything and she always promised that it was her way to be honest, sometimes in the brutal sense.
So i dont sound like im being biased and looking to hear something off the reader im not putting across a story that helps me this is the complete truth as to what happenned. I went home early on the Wednesday because we were the gossip of the house and I thought I should just diffuse the situation by going & plus my head was in a state & I just could not handle it.
She said she would ring me that evening and she did & we discussed things for an hour or so, to no great success on my part. She said that we 'didnt fit' which I dont mean for this to come across as bitter but while we had hung out since about October we had only been starting something else for 3 weeks and I think it ties in with another of her comments that 'we were both uncomfortable.' I agree with that statement but we were both (I think, especially on my part) not both brilliant at 'physical affection' but I was working at it and as she said to me was getting better at it. I mean id been alone with her twice in 3 weeks hardly going to become fantastic at it overnight. Maybe im wrong.
We both agreed in the end to not speak for a while and she asked if I (underlined) give her a call next week.
Thing is im broken & confused. I know to the reader it seems silly after 3 weeks but I had known her vaguely and liked her since met her about 2 years ago but I never made any moves because I thought I was out of my depth and tbh i was over the moon when all this happenned (up until monday). I think it must also be seen as something since about October & things in the past 3 weeks had just moved forward a bit
Just a number of questions swirl round my head, why cant she? is it something deep rooted (as i believe is the case)?, Why on Sunday everything going great and then monday evening back to friends in an apparent (to quote) 'realisation'?
& finally it all boils down to is it over completely?
I did ask her, possibly stupidly is there any chance now to which she said 'right now, probably not' (emphasis on the not and less on right now).
Think writing this ive probably answered my own questions but i dont know, I just dont understand, this 'cant' keeps ruminating in my head as does the things we did to be for them to be all over like that is just a lot to take in.
Thankyou for reading a rather long essay style ramble & I hope it is understandable
I dont normally write on forums & I suppose therefore that this is an act of desperation & I dont know if ill regret this afterwards.
This is going to be a bit long & rambly i apologise in advance
Im 20 years old and go to University. When I went back for my second year I was rather a broken person. The summer had not been kind to me as I suffer from anxiety/ OCD plus a person I liked with similar issues to me knocked me back which was tough to take.
I wont go too far into that but thats a brief background. So October '09 comes along and my housemate (close friend who lives near to me back home) cousin comes down for her half term (shes 17). I finally agreed with people who said to me best things in life you dont expect/ come naturally. We just clicked and hit it off.
Being me im a bit cautious about taking things too far too fast but for the first time I got a feeling that we had mutual feelings for each other, dont mean to sound arrogant or up myself when I say that.
So we chat after her visit on facebook (as is the way these days) and swap numbers etc. Finally plucked up the courage if she fancied hanging out one day to which she said yes, quite shocked and surprised at that. We hung out in a place near to the both of us went to the cinema, got coffee etc once in November and December. Things were going good, slowly but gradually.
January 1st I asked her out properly: she said no (in effect) beucase of her cousin (she saw as intrusive) and the distances to where we lived. Waited until the 23rd (due to exams for the both of us) before got my oppourtunity face to face to talk things over and we agreed to 'see how things go' & to quote her 'its not a yes its not a no.' To be honest I was over the moon didnt expect a yes and to....i dont know fall into my arms like that, I was happy, very happy with that outcome.
2 weeks later I go down to her house and we watch a film (films were our thing we did together) & we spend all day in her room and we moved things further by being couched (sp?) up together , holding hands . Not that i want to sound a) cheesy b) naive c) overplaying it.
I went away thinking things had gone well. 2 weeks later she came down for her half term to our house in the town I go to university. She was staying with her cousin which was fine we both agreed to it , it would have been weird if she stayed with me with her cousin downstairs. Last Sunday then during a house party we were having i brought her into my room & gave her her valentines present (we arent big on valentines so just bought her some chocolate). Then we lay there for about 3 hours and we had our first kiss together and we were for want of better description or words very close at that point and we discussed the 'next step' as it were.
Woke up the next morning top of the world as anyone would I suppose. I went out that day to a doctors appointment and would be gone for most of the day so as i was leaving was chatting to her and maybe in hindsight did the wrong thing of kissing her on the head as I left. Later that evening she sat me down and said can we just be friends.
Really went through me, we spoke about things that evening but sensible as she always is after a while speaking she decided best we sleep on things, kissed me on the cheek and went to bed as did I.
We spoke then the next morning for a long time. She said that she 'just cant' & that it was not to do with me. I never found out what that reason was. I probably did the worst thing of breaking into tears and she welled up aswell & left the room once feeling sick.
To cut this story short I could not find out what the cant was about, i mean the reader here may think its an excuse but I dont mean to sound in denial or anything but she is as honest as the day, she knew I worried extensively over literally everything and she always promised that it was her way to be honest, sometimes in the brutal sense.
So i dont sound like im being biased and looking to hear something off the reader im not putting across a story that helps me this is the complete truth as to what happenned. I went home early on the Wednesday because we were the gossip of the house and I thought I should just diffuse the situation by going & plus my head was in a state & I just could not handle it.
She said she would ring me that evening and she did & we discussed things for an hour or so, to no great success on my part. She said that we 'didnt fit' which I dont mean for this to come across as bitter but while we had hung out since about October we had only been starting something else for 3 weeks and I think it ties in with another of her comments that 'we were both uncomfortable.' I agree with that statement but we were both (I think, especially on my part) not both brilliant at 'physical affection' but I was working at it and as she said to me was getting better at it. I mean id been alone with her twice in 3 weeks hardly going to become fantastic at it overnight. Maybe im wrong.
We both agreed in the end to not speak for a while and she asked if I (underlined) give her a call next week.
Thing is im broken & confused. I know to the reader it seems silly after 3 weeks but I had known her vaguely and liked her since met her about 2 years ago but I never made any moves because I thought I was out of my depth and tbh i was over the moon when all this happenned (up until monday). I think it must also be seen as something since about October & things in the past 3 weeks had just moved forward a bit
Just a number of questions swirl round my head, why cant she? is it something deep rooted (as i believe is the case)?, Why on Sunday everything going great and then monday evening back to friends in an apparent (to quote) 'realisation'?
& finally it all boils down to is it over completely?
I did ask her, possibly stupidly is there any chance now to which she said 'right now, probably not' (emphasis on the not and less on right now).
Think writing this ive probably answered my own questions but i dont know, I just dont understand, this 'cant' keeps ruminating in my head as does the things we did to be for them to be all over like that is just a lot to take in.
Thankyou for reading a rather long essay style ramble & I hope it is understandable