Trust.....

[gaffeuk]

Ok, as with many of the posts this may be a little long, but i would appreciate some opinions

So me and my girlfriend have been together for nealy 2 years now and we are (well, were & sort of now) very happy tgether but something happened back in Feb of this year which i cant move on from.

We dont live together and we both work 9-5 jobs so we usually either spend a few hours a night together or if we sleep at each others place all night and were happy etc etc

Then now and again I would get bored of the relationship, or many ppl do and get the "grass is greener on the other side" feeling but I would only think it for a few mins now and again then would forget about it, i only thought it when were not together as when we are we both happy.

Then one night i decide to talk to my gf explaining now and agen I get abit bored and that i would love to go out more etc etc and she takes it as i want to breakup! I assured her NO! I just want us to be happy and weve always talked about everything, so I thought the good thing to do is to be honest!

So bearing in mind were trying to be more interesting we go out with my mates and one of her mates for a few drinks where my gf starts being strange and 'annoying'. I wondered why but carried on chattin with my mates, and as the night went on she kept annoying me. As we were heading home I asked her "what was with you tonight?", she replies "im trying to be more fun, like you", in which i said, "how? You were just being stupid and annoying and childish!". She says "oh sorry" and i think nothing of it!

Come a week later I ask her "whats wrong?", as she was clearly not happy with something, she said, "im not sure we should be together anymore" Obviously im shciked and i ask why (takes something like that and you realise how much they mean to you and i was paniking like crazy by this point)! She says, i think we should take a break, she said it was to clear her mind and work out whether we should still be together, if we have a week apart and she misses me etc then she does love me and we will work on whateva we have etc.

Im kinda :confused: I was thinking "where has this come from!" (bearing in mind, about 2 weeks previous we spent the weekend away for valentines day and we had a lovely time!)

She is addament she wants a break and im addament we shouldnt have 1, i was thinking if we have a break then we will end and i didnt want this!!

So i spend 2 or 3 CRAZY DAYS vertually begging her to try things! She says maybe give me time i need to think about things! (Now bearing in mind your scared of losing the one person you love more than ne thing the 'time' thins was NOT easy, i could do anything, i was a wreck hehe i couldnt eat, sleep, do anything!!)

So i go pick her up from work (surprise as were spending time apart to think) and beg her to tihink, but think with me, not along!!

HERE IS WHERE IT GETS HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND

(Ive pulled over now)

She says well there is something you need to know (so remembering i have spent the last 3 or so days without eating, sleeping, drinking, going to work as im scared so much and begging her to be with me im kinda YEAH anything i dont care!) She says "theres another lad" :mad:

Imagine my reaction! The girl i spent the last week dieing over tells me this!!! Im sooo shocked! I dont know what to think, i get so mad, i just get out the car and walk around crying thinking WHAT!!!!!

I say what do you mean another lad! "well ive been talking to another guy on the internet for the last week and a half and i met with him on sunday" (only a week and a half, aint much (belive me, its not that easy!!!) She met him on the sunday, the same day i begged her to stay with me!!! I begged her in the morning, she said we will make an effort, and saw him in the afternoon!!!!!!!

IM SOOOOO CONFUSED / MAD / ANGRY / HURT / BETRAYED / SORRY / IN LOVE / BROCKEN & STILL DAM HUNGRY

She had been speaking to a guy (who she got to no thru her MUM of all things!! - Her mum says if you not happy with Dan (me) then try taling to (Andrew (him ) and gave her his email addy!!!)!!!

She had been speaking about me, us, our LIFE (WHY!!!) and then she also spoke about ual things to this guy, like he asked "would you give me oral ", "what positions would we do", "what do you like most"!!!!!! And worst of all my girlfriend TOLD HIM!!!! (WHY!!!!!!!!!!) My gf is not like that, well i didnt think so, she wouldnt dare say the word to her mum etc!!!!!!!!!! My gf had been texting him for the past 1,5 weeks and she had told him that she is breaking up with me to be with him! SHE HAD PLANNED TO BRAEK UP WITH ME TO GO WITH HIM!!!!!!

So now im SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CONFUSED!

What the hell do i do! i have to break up with her! So i somehow drive the rest of the way home crying with her on the passenger seat begging me to stop drving and i drop her off at home and go home telling her "its over" !!!!!!!

So thats it! Were over, im so upset ! I didnt even go home i jsut went for a drive and kicked and punched anything i could find! I was crazy!!!!!!

(YOU THINK THE STORY ENDS THERE!! NOPE!!!)

About an hour after dropping her off she ring me crying, now begging me to come back! She is now begging me (WHAT!!! i thought i was doing the begging here lol)! She wants me back, she is so sorry, it was a mistake, ill never do it agen etc etc etc!

So remember, i thought i had been soooo wrong taking her for granted and was begging her to give me another chance, now i find this out, which was happening WHILST i was doing my begging, so id beg at 3pm, she would talk to him at 4pm!!!!!

So now ive got 50% of me saying "Dont take her back you would be so stupid" then other 50% is I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!

So of course, being a stupid man that i am i take her back and this being nearly 2 months ago my problem is the fact im sitting here typing this to the many wise people out there!

Im struggleing to forgive, i love my gf more than ne thing in the world but i cant trust her!! A part of me says, im 50% to blame as i took her for granted, but the other 50% is "that dont give her an excuse to do what she did" She says she is sorry, she promises not to do it agen, she says she did it coz she wanted to be liked and she thought i was going 'off' her! but i can look at this whole thing a million different ways and i cant think what is what!!!!!!!!!!

Whenever im with her im so happy (but in the back of mind im thinking - does she want to be here?!) but when im not with her, im SOOO PARANOID

I know i need to forgive or its going to ruin us but i just cant!!!!

Ive spoken toher about it lots and bring it up so much which must begin to annoy her??

HELP

[inquisitive]

By the sounds of it she started talking with this guy just after you told her she was: Stupid, annoying, and childish, and you wonder why she entertained thoughts of breaking up with you?

What she did was wrong. She should have been upfront with you right when you said that. She should have told you it's inappropriate to speak to her like that and call her names, but she didn't. You're right that talking about it constantly is going to annoy her. You both did some things wrong, and you both have to put them in the past.

The more you talk about it the harder that will be to do. Just let the subject go. It's been two months. When you decide to forgive someone you have to do just that. Forgive them, and let it go.

[Rich]

Hi. Welcome.

I read your post and hear ya. What would be nice to know though, are your ages. How old are you both?

Trust is a very hard thing to replace for anyone and she betrayed your trust. There's no right or wrong answer as to what to do because each of us are different and view things differently.

You have to do what's right for you. Trust your heart. If you can't forgive and forget, then just move on. If you can TOTALLY forgive, forget and put your heart back in her hands, then go for it.

What you need to really get to the bottom of is why she so easily went to dump you and meet this guy that she only knew over the internet? That's not very smart of her. Kinda dangerous. Get the real reason why she did that and it might help you to figure out an answer or course of action. Just don't let her play the game and dump it in your lap that you drove her to do it. In life we're all accountable for our own actions. Unless there's a gun to your head to do something, then you're responsible. She did it.

Maybe that guy backed out and that's why she wants you back? Maybe she wants you back because she feels guilty for hurting you? Guilt is not a good reason to be with someone.

IMO, you're always going to have what she did in the back of your mind and will never totally get past it. You didn't do anything major to hurt her or drive her away (not that you wrote about anyway) and it will always eat at you as to how fast and easy it was for her to dump you. Easy to do once, easy to do again.

IMO even if you get back together, I don't see you two getting married and living happily ever after, forever.

Just my two cents.

[eightball61]

You can't force her to be in a relationship that she doesn't want to be in. You are having a hard time trying to trust her because she has lied to you. You can't change the fact that she lied to you. Your relationship has been on the rock for a while and things ended with this bang.

It may be best to just move on. If you took her back the relationship will never be the same. You both have been showing signs of parting ways for a while now. This relationship started out fine butin the end it was proven things were not meant to be.

Trust will be very huge here and you can't trust with a snap of the finger. Trust will take a long time toregain and something like this will be bothering you for a long time which will lead to constant fights. If you both got back together and never allowed to get through the fighting then the relationship would just fail. The only way to make the relationship ever work again is if you just forget about what happened but that be to hard to do.

[gaffeuk]

Thanks for everyones reply. In reply to the age question we are both only 20, so clearly not too old to move on.... but thats not what i really wanna do!

Reading one reply makes me think i should reiterate what i did wrong, all i did wrong was that one night of calling her names (mid arguement so wasnt really thinking and have said sorry many times) and i have gone out with friends a few times instead of being with her, which i think she saw as me putting my friends first.

Ive asked her SO many times WHY she did it, as i feel that if i knew why then its a lot easier to forget as if it was what i did wrong, then i wont do it again (but as one reply stated, she wasnt forced!) or if i knew WHY then i just think it would help.

But not even she seems to know why? What do i read into that? I said "well if you dont know why, then how can you say it wont happen again?" Her reply is "i just wont, i know i wont, i now realise what i could lose and i would never risk that"

But thats not really convincing :confused: I may get her to read these replies and she what she thinks? Although i know she will say, "im not with you for guilt" "i dont know why" etc etc

I say to her lots "are you SURE you want to be together still, i would rather you tell me now than in a few months or whateva?"

Her reply, "I am sure, i love yo......." etc

Oh and yeah she did only know him over the Internet although it is her mum's friends son, so she didnt think of safety issues!!! I asked her if she would have done that with ppl she knew, she said no, some ppl say this is becoz "its easier to talk to ppl you dont no" as she originally started talking to him explaining about our problems which he then used to try and force his way in, ive even spoken to him and he is only what can be described as a un-respecting f*****g ***tard (i only say that as i knida blame him although i know its not really his fault its mines/hers)

ARGH - One messed up brain here!!!! Your replies help lots as ive spoken to friends and family but mutual opinions are sometimes better!!!!

[eightball61]

Remember you can't save things......Getting her to read replies or saying "i love you" countless times may not help. She has a mind of her own and she wants this. She may not really know why she did it but there has to be some kind of logical answer. You may never know what that answer is though.

What you need to do though is cool off a bit and sit back. If you kkeep onto her then all you will do is push her away from any future chances. It will be hard maintaining a relationship again after this but it can be done. It will have to take the work of the both of you and not just you putting everything in. Sooner or latter you will see and just give up because you can onlydo so much.

Its hard to to deal because the way she approached it but these thing to do happen. Its normal to dread on it or even try to make pretend it never happened but eventually you will need to see the reality of things and just move on.

[inquisitive]

But not even she seems to know why? What do i read into that? I said "well if you dont know why, then how can you say it wont happen again?" Her reply is "i just wont, i know i wont, i now realise what i could lose and i would never risk that"

But thats not really convincing I may get her to read these replies and she what she thinks? Although i know she will say, "im not with you for guilt" "i dont know why" etc etc

I say to her lots "are you SURE you want to be together still, i would rather you tell me now than in a few months or whateva?"

Her reply, "I am sure, i love yo......." etc



At some point you have to STOP asking. The asking alone would drive me bonkers! What she did was wrong. She has said so, and she's said she won't do it again. You really can't ask much more of her.

You say her telling you it won't happen again is not convincing, well what would be? You can't keep hounding her because that will push her away.

If you can think of 1 thing that she could do to prove it to you, then maybe ask her to do that, but one way or another if you want to work it out you'll have to put it behind you.

[Rich]

Her saying that she doesn't know why she did it is unacceptable. She just doesn't want to delv in to deep as to why she did it or just doesn't want to tell you the truth. Saying she doesn't know why, is just a cop out.

Your 20. She's 20. Clearly too young to get married or to be thinking about it right now. So I say to stay with this girl, use the relationship until you feel that you don't need or want it anymore, then break up. I wouldn't put my heart and soul into it though, this isn't "the" relationship for you.

Get your rocks off and build up your ual confidence, then split.

If over time you really see a difference in her, then make the call then. But I'd have a wall up and wouldn't totally put my heart in THIS girls hands right now.

Rich

[inquisitive]

Her saying that she doesn't know why she did it is unacceptable. She just doesn't want to delv in to deep as to why she did it or just doesn't want to tell you the truth. Saying she doesn't know why, is just a cop out.

Your 20. She's 20. Clearly too young to get married or to be thinking about it right now. So I say to stay with this girl, use the relationship until you feel that you don't need or want it anymore, then break up. I wouldn't put my heart and soul into it though, this isn't "the" relationship for you.

Get your rocks off and build up your ual confidence, then split.

If over time you really see a difference in her, then make the call then. But I'd have a wall up and wouldn't totally put my heart in THIS girls hands right now.

Rich
Sorry but I don't agree with you at all. It is never right to just use someone for your own personal gain. If you don't feel you can get past this break up NOW. Don't use her.

[Rich]

Obviously they would be using each other as she doesn't have those "special" feelings for him. She wants him around more to have someone than be alone. She doesn't love, love him. He's being used right now.

She found some bad info out about that guy, didn't want to go meet him anymore and decided to "stay" with her boyfriend. She using him.

Maybe she also didn't want the rep of doing what she had planned to do and that's why she came back. Again, being used.

So use each other.

Rich

[inquisitive]

ok I see what you're saying, but thats only if all that is true. We don't know why she changed her mind, or if she is using him.

If it is mutual using, then use away.

[eightball61]

I do see both of your points and it makes sense for each side. Even if they are using each other I consider it not right because I hate people playing games in the relationship. If they just want to ride it out to see what happens then that is thier call but he will always come back with problems that she is creating on her end. I say just end it but that is my opinion to the whole thing.

[inquisitive]

I agree with you that they should just end it if that is what is going on, but so many people don't. To each their own. If it was me and I felt that it was just a bunch of games being played, and I didn't want to be with the other I'd just go because I believe it the honorable thing to do.

[inquisitive]

Double post sorry :o :o

[eightball61]

I agree with you that they should just end it if that is what is going on, but so many people don't. To each their own. If it was me and I felt that it was just a bunch of games being played, and I didn't want to be with the other I'd just go because I believe it the honorable thing to do.


We all learn from mistakes so lets let them learn from thiers.

[gaffeuk]

Well.... Last night i decided to tell her how i feel and that i MUST have some kinda logical reason why she did what she did so we spent hours talking and she hated it as she says it makes her feel sick thinking what she did/could have done.... :confused:

She says she thought she could do better and she didnt 'need' me in her life and when this lad came along it was knida a way out. She says she didnt talk to me about this as she knew i would say 'its over'. She says she had convinced her self i didnt want to be with her so when this lad appeared she took it up, as she didnt need me, or for that matter love me anymore and could do better.

When i didnt know about it and was begging her to rerty she says she didnt have the heart to tell me as she 'cared' too much to hurt me by telling me but then as i wouldnt give in she told me (i figure this must be as thats the only way i would give in - im a fighter hehe)

So when she told me she got what she wanted, i ended it.... here is where i have to start trusting and beliving.... Here is where she did the 180 degree turn and said she couldnt belive what had happened etc etc and its a 'wale up' call and it reminded her of all the feeling she has for me etc etc (it was her who came begging to me at this point - remember lol)

So ive said ok, i can sorta see logic in all that, it is possible that you go off some1, take a way out, then realise whats what....

So am i right to give it a chance and see what the fututre holds? i wont say its 'the' one, nor will i say its not.

I dont want to pick either as that wil just play on my mind, anyone think the good idea is to just go on, both work on what we both did wrong, i will try and ensure her feelings for me are true/real/whatever else they should be, and will ensure i remind her how i feel about her more as this way she hopefully feel bad again :rolleyes: She has promised me she will talk as we feel this is the MAIN reason it all happened! SHE should have spoken about how she was feeling AND I SHOULD have spoke about what i thought.....

Some1 be nice and say... "good choice!" lol

[eightball61]

She says she thought she could do better and she didnt 'need' me in her life and when this lad came along it was knida a way out.


^^ This above doesn't say much about you but at least she was honest about the whole thing while talking to her. A lot of people do wonder if there is better out there and if they chance it then some win and some lose out. her outcome was that she lost out.

Giving it another chance is your choice. Its not a bad choice but you both will have to be willing to work together and communicate to get things going again. Its not going to be the same for a while but all you can do is just try it out and monitor it to see how things go.

[Stonesourmusic]

If I were you I would stay with her just to see if things can be mended. I mean besides going out with a guy, her from what you know, did nothing wrong and insert her logic at the time, it was all just one big mess. It sounds like the decision i would make, staying with her to clean it up. I love my girl also more than anything else, this kinda drama can be very draining. props for staying strong man.

-peace

[Elantra]

I gotta' go with Rich on this one......he is pretty much dead on with his observations.

Think of it this way Gaffeuk......let's say you were the one that had done this.....reverse the roles. Why would you talk to a girl on the i-net about your current affairs with your GF?? Why would you talk to her about getting oral or what kind of ual positions you could do?? Obviously there is something wrong with your relationship for you to even go that far to do that, so that should tell you right there that your GF at that time did not have any confidence in continuing a relationship with you for her to go that far and do that.

Great if you can get past that and you can both work together to make the future a success for the both of you, but that does throw up a red flag to me that when things just slightly start to go bad or wind down in your relationship with her that she is so quick to act on rebounding from her problems with you and start flirting with some stranger??? Just be careful man.......always go with your gut feeling when you think things aren't right because there is something that makes you feel that way for a reason.

All I am saying is just watch out because for some reason or another she may have another moment of weakness and figure she can talk her way out of it again if it doesn't work out to her advantage......what would have happened if things went the other way with this "lad"?? Just watch out bud.