How to return to a person you once were?

[bdtraders]

Before: (my current SO)

I once voiced my opinions and stood my ground no matter what. If the other person made a valid point only then would i sway my opinion. If the person i was dating became "y" i would call them on it right away and if it continued i would laugh and walk away paying no mind to it until their attitude changed. I was so happy.

Now: (with my current SO)

I am timid to speak up and defend mysel fevne if i know im right. I fear her leaving me, or breaking up with me. I try not to get confritational because i dont want to upset her and make her more moody then she already is.

I am a totally different person and it not only baffles me but my friends, family and exs as well. Everyone says i need to fine the old me again, they hate seeing me so unhappy. I want to find the old me so bad, even if it means loosing this woman that i love with my heart.

My problem is i cant seem to get back up, i cant get back up on the pedastal of where people didnt effect me so much, I need help. I read books or talk to people and i get a boost and i will be that way and feel energized for a day then i will slowly fall rung by rung down the ladder and become a door mat again.

HELP!!!

How do i regain the old me and not fall down again. That was the person she fellin love with so i know she can handle it so how to i become the person again. Where did i leave my backbone?

[starrynites]

I think the situation between you and your gf changed so thats why you changed too. Did you use to feel confident about your relationship? I think that would lead you to feeling comfortable about yourself and your opinions. Are you still insecure about ur relationship?

I think I changed too in my relationship. I use to be more fun-loving and relaxed in the beginning. I've noticed that I'm more insecure now because the circumstances in our relationship changed. But I look at the good parts about us, how long we've been together, what time has brought to us etc. I believe i AM more insecure, but I think that is my doing. I think all crazy sometimes like my bf cheating on me while he's been nothing but good to me!

Sorry I'm getting off-topic. But I think you should see what changed in your relationship before and now. Since your relationship is so important to you, it will lead to a change in how you are because you are so affected by it. See if that will help!

[eightball61]

bdtraders,

You really need to back log into your other post again. I told you I won't give up but my words are repeated to you over and over again. My view is the same to this as it was before......

To sum it all up once more

1. I basically stated you need to stand up for yourself and you have done that but have falling back into the way yo were before.

2. If she doesn't try to work it out with you then nothing will work.

3. There is only so much you can do to help this relationship. You can't do it alone and she has to see that. You both made a mistake in the past and in order to make this thing work then you both need to work together. If you can't then nothing will work.


My last few post in your thread have been more on the edge like nothings going to work in this relationship. You both made a mistake in the past but now you both need to show to each other that you both love enough to make things work. You have showed you piece but she has failed to show hers.

I don't care if she is ok somes days because that doesn't cut it. She needs to be working with you all the time. I really don't see any light at the end of the tunnel as long as things keep going like this. All you are doing is holding onto hope that isn't there. eventually, you have to come to reality that nothing is working. You can't sit there and pretend something was working because if something was working you wouldn't be posting like this. You have a big problem in you relationship and the only way for it to get fixed is if you both work together and if not then it will never get fixed and that means you have to suffer the problems or just come to realize that things are just not meant to be.

[Diablo]

If a man can't stand up to his girlfriend, it's only a matter of time before she leaves him.

[Rich]

Either way that you're acting or have acted is wrong. You should be in the middle of both of those extemes somewhere. Never aspire to be who you are or were, but to be someone better.

Your first attitude wouldn't sustain a long lasting, rewarding and happy relationship and this current mindset won't do it either.

You need to find a balance.

As I've mentioned in many posts on this forum. We base all of our decisions on two things, fear and love. Basing our choices on love will always be the most positive, rewarding and less stressful, painful way to live.

Right now your basing your decisions on fear. Fear of her leaving, fear of losing her, etc., etc..

Base your decisions on love of her, love of yourself and the love of your relationship. Right now you're living in a dark, negative world and that's why you feel the way that you do.

Right now you also don't have a clear definition of what a happy, successful, loving and rewarding relationship is. And until you have that, then you don't know what it is that you should be striving for.

Right now you're traveling but you have no idea where you're going or where it is that you're supposed to go. You're just lost and going in circles.

Rich

[bdtraders]

I have the difinition of what a good healthy relationship is, and thats what i want VERY bad, but it takes two to do this.

I snapped last night and got alot of things off my chest, i didnt yell i just spoke calmly to her telling her that our communication issues suck and that when we started this i told her one thing thats important to me is open lines of cummunication. She said that she didnt want to burden me with her problems, and i told her thats what a relationship is all about, 2 becoming one and working things out together. I told her that she can always vent to me but dont take it out on me or the kids. She said why do i need to take it to extremes at times and i said because you do, your either really happy or really distant and pissed. she said whatever and so did I. She wasnt very talkative the rest of the night and isnt really talking to me today, she went to work at 6am and i took the kids to school, i called her when i got home to let her know that they got to school ok, and she seemed a bit held back. Maybe shes just processing it all, needless to say she can call me today cause im starting to pull back from her. I love her to death but if my heart stays wher eit is and she keeps doing this to it , its going to kill me, so hopefully with my talk and her noticing me pulling back she will change if not, she will be alone. Even her kids want to move and go live with other people so they dont have to deal with her attitude.

[eightball61]

Even her kids want to move and go live with other people so they dont have to deal with her attitude.

how old are the kids again? Did they bring this up to you or did you talk to them?

[bdtraders]

her oldest son who is 20 already lives with her ex boyfriend because she used to always yell at him alos, now her 16 year old son has told me and her sister that he wants to go live with his brother, or if i was to every get fed up and leave could he go with me, (i told him i wasnt going anywhere). Her daughter is 13 and asks me to please be a barrier bewtween her and her mom cause she hates her momos attitude, (on the way to school this morning she made the comment that she feels bad for me cause mom seems to take alot of things out on you, i told her i would rather she take it out on me then on her and that it will be ok just focus on school). Her 7 year old she treats fine and thers no problem there. My son who i have every other weekend she is good with never really cranky with him, although she has told me at times that she thinks he dosent like her and i have reassured her that he loves the hell out of her, hes 11.
All her kids come to me to vent about their mom, i tell them it will be ok and to just focus on their studies, they get scared cause they see how she treats me and they are scared i will finally break and leave someday

[eightball61]

They need to go see her for this. That is there mother and they need to go to her and not you for every little thing. You are having a hard enough time yourself in trying to get her acting a certain way.

Everyone around this women knows how she is and like I said before she may never change. You have tried and she has proven no steady change yet. It may take a reality hit for her to realize whats going on here. All she is doing is running everyone away from her.

Remember to what I said before and you can't play superman to save her. Your decision lies on you....Its either you want to put up with her or you don't?

You are not married to this women yet and that means you still have time to leave. You love the kids but you dont stay for them. This is thier mother and they have to go to her. Its wouldn't be right if her kids turned away from her to you. Its really up to you weather to stick it out or not but if you look over all your post since you joined here you have not gotten anywhere with her. The only thing you gained was confidence to stand up for yourself.

[bdtraders]

Yea i am the point now that i will stick with it and stand my ground to see what happens, i know all relationships have issues and this is the first time i really had and tough issues in a relationship so i dont want to give up until theres zero hope. I feel like im close to that line but havent hit it yet. I tell myself that i will stay with her and stand up to her and live my life untill:

A: we get into a huge fight and she throws her tanturm and tell me its over and gives me my ring back or tells me to leave - then i actually will, ill tell her if thats what you want turn and walk away.

B: she cheats on me

C: the relationship stays stagnant then i will go find the person that wants a 32 year old guy with a big heart and believes in romance.

[eightball61]

I tell myself that i will stay with her and stand up to her and live my life untill:




Relationships are not made to be a battle. You shouldn't have to live a life on the egde and show her up. There should be more love and happiness than that. Sure I was in the same situation but I didnt have to live in a relationship full of this. We went through a rough patch and now out of it.

Its your decision to stick with it and since you are planning to do that then you should have nothing to complain about anymore. You have your 3 goals set from your last post and stick with them only if you feel its best. I am sticking with my input and I will just wait to see if there is ever a change.

[bdtraders]

Yea we shall see, i keep my fingers crossed but...................

[eightball61]

but we'll never know....Remember you can't prey for something to happen when it shows signs its not going to happen. Trying again is an ok start but after this then you really need to question things and come to reality.

[bdtraders]

Yea this is it, my physical health cant take much more of this, i would rather be alone then feel unloved.
I never brag about myself but i do know i am a awesome guy that would have no trouble finding antoher woman that wants to be shown love and respect.
my SO makes the comment shes destined to be alone everytime we fight, maybe shes right.

[eightball61]

Yea this is it, my physical health cant take much more of this, .


& thats why I keep saying you need to look after yourself....but lets wait and see once more...

[bdtraders]

maybe im being stupid and foolish but for some reason i cant explain i see a light at the end of the tunnel. My friends laugh and say its a spark.

Time will tell, but in the meantime I am looking for another job closer to my son 60 miles away, because if me and her breakup i cant stay in this area, i couldnt ever see her again, i care to much.

[eightball61]

Just stick with it once more and we can monitor it like you are...Only time will tell

[bdtraders]

thanks so much 8ball, you and my friends have been saying the same thing for so long, its almost been a year fro me and her, 6 months since we have lived together.

I just wish i could explain why im so afraid to not have her in my life, i have never felt this way about any other relationship i was in. I always have had the opinion that if it didnt work out then it wasnt meant to be, but this one has a strangle hold on my heart, and its breaking it.

Thanks for all your help, soryr im week at times but shes draining me, let me rephrase im allowing her to drain me of my hapiness. I just wish she could see that, cause i know 100% that she dossent want to loose me or her family for that matter.

[eightball61]

I just wish i could explain why im so afraid to not have her in my life
.

Its called "love" or could be the fear of being alone but I doubt it. We all handle emotions differently and you dont have to be sorry for that. What you need to do is just keep what you are doing and see what happens doesn the road with change.

[bdtraders]

yea I do love her and the kids with all my heart and it would hurt me so bad to not only loose her but them.

and yea its not so much about being alone, i can handle that, (sometimes wish i was, cause i feel alone anyway)
but im not scared to be alone, just scared to loose a love that has my heart

[eightball61]

She has to make a change before she looses it all then. Its not up to you....its up to her on the change.

[bdtraders]

Yea she does, she needs to change back to how she was before. Thats one of the main things that bugs me is she used to be more loving and more affectionate, then i moved in and slowly it went to shit. Like people say she prob got used to it, when we were apart she anticiapted seeing me.
I just so much want to it be like it was before and when i first moved in.
i feel like im loosing the things that are the most important to me.

[eightball61]

You see what she was before and you want that back. She changed though and she may or may not change back. Giving a chance is the only thing you can do but eventually the chances have to stop because by then you should no she will never change...let us know what happens bdtraders ;)
Where be here for you..

[bdtraders]

Well she just called me at work, and i asked her if she was ok and that pissed her off, she was all "yes why wouldnt everything be ok" i said "because of are converesation last night" and she just shut down and stopped talking to me. I asked her if she was busy and she said nope she was just sitting at her desk, i said well you dont seem talkative and you called me, and she said yup bad idea and hung up. I text messaged her back that me and her need to have a huge talk so to let me know when it would be good for her.
Im sure we will be broken up before the weeks over.

[eightball61]

i asked her if she was ok and that pissed her off, she was all "yes why wouldnt everything be ok" i said .


There is a time when you really have to sit down and question is this what you really want in a partner????

As I advised before it could be because she is getting annoyed with you asking all the time but if she is annoyed then she ought to make a change. One way or another though you have to really ask yourself this question. Maybe you just need a fresh new start........

[bdtraders]

its like she gives me mixed signals, she gets all moody around me yet she does the same thing with her kids. The 5 minutes later she is cuddling next to me on the couch.
I think i do question her to much about if shes ok, i know i ask her daily what wrong and why she seems upset, i also know that everytime i talk to her im telling her that i love her and i miss her and that might be a turn off as well even though she says it dosent bother her. My female friends tell me to stop telling her i love her all the time, they say yo ulove her she knows it you dont have to remind her all the time. They also say that i should just back off and quit asking if shes ok, just do what i want to do, act how i want to act if it pisses her off then oh well. They say that think she does care and lvoe for me very much and when i bring up that i get scared shes gonna cheat they say does she seem like she has time, i say no the only time she would have time is at work during her lunch break. They say i just need to stop being so clingy and insecure and go back to how i was before her cause thats the person she fell in love with from the get go, the guy that did what he wanted said what he wanted but still was very romantic and had a heart of gold.

[eightball61]

They also say that i should just back off and quit asking if shes ok,.


They are right....I know you like to know because you care but its really annoying her. My did the same thing for a while and still do every now and then. My GF gets annoyed with it........You need to try turning things around when you call her like; asking how her day is, how much you do miss her, what you did, what you have plans for, ect.

If you need to ask these questions then do it at home. Work is the worse place to have a fight or have fustration. She needs to concentrate on things at work. I am sure she thinks about personal matters but she is at work to work....not to fight. Try backing off and see what happens. When I mention backing off that means asking the thing you do when she works. Try the new approach with example that I have given you.

You are like me in many ways and if there is something bothering you then you pound it out until you know. I am working on trying to stop this and you need to do the same. All this will do is push the relationship back instead of foward. You both are allready on rough ground now and the last thing you want to do is make things rougher. Just take a step back and take sweeter approach to see how her mood changes.

If her mood doesn't change when you are sweet to her for sometime then I am really lost to what she wants. If that becomes the case then my advice is to run really far away and seek someone that you'll be happier with.

[bdtraders]

Funny thing she just called (shes off today at home).

Anyway yea im going to do the back off aproach, thats what i have heard from countless people to back off, still show love but give her some space. Im not gonna tell her i love her every time we speak. Like when she called right now the conversation seemed ok i didnt ask how she was, i asked did she slept well since she just woke up, but i didnt ask if she was ok, when talked about differnt things then i said well i will let you go so i can get to work (like i do anything at work) and she could go take a shower, She said ok you coming home for lunch and i said yea probably. She said ok cool see ya then i said ok bye she said bye and we hung up. Normally i would have said love ya bye but i left that little extra part out.

Yea our relationships sounds alot alike 8ball, yours just seems to be coming around quicker then mine.

I do pund stuff until i have it resolved or know the answer, big time and im sure it drives people crazy.

How do you combat yourself in those situations?

Time will tell, i do love her and even though my hand is getting alot of rope burn i still havent given up the fight, maybe it will get better with me backing off, and if it dosent i guess it will just make it that much easier to let go and go find a woman that wants one hell of a romantic guy.

[eightball61]

The only thing I do when facing those situations is just hold myself back. It seems easy but is hard..... My GF knows I am the type that like to talk about things right off but she isn't. I have been giving her time rather than pushing like I have been. The only thing I can suggest for you is that you bite your tongue and hold back....or just find something else to talk about.

I know you love her and you hate to lose her but you have to remember to ask yourself this; " how much more can I handle?". If this approach on holding doesn't work then I don't know what may :confused:

[bdtraders]

Well went home for lunch, and went about my own agenda. Made my lunch and sat down at my computer at home and looked up things on the net. She came by and said "hi baby" and i said "hi". I asked her if she wanted a bite and she said "no but thanks". She went about cleaning the house and i asked if she wanted me to do anything as far as cleaning tonight since she had a meeting to attend tonight. She said "no the insides her problem the outiside mine" she laughed and so did I and i said "deal". She told me she will pick up my son on friday since she will be up that way (60 miles away) for a meeting for work, that way i dont have to drive, and for me to just call my ex and let her know that she will pick him up around 430. We joked around a bit and i tol dher i had to leave to go back to work. She said i love you and gave me a big hug, i said love you to and walked out. When i got outside i opened the garage door cause i wanted to windex my truck windows, she asked whats up and i told her what i wanted to do and she grabbed the windex and a towel and started doing my windows. I grabbed a towel and helped. She said talk to you later baby and i said ok, see ya later and left.

Maybe this whole do my own thing and dont pester thing has something about it...

[eightball61]

You are not ignoring her....when we say to hold back we want you to hold back from repeating the same things. This afternoon you both had a good start. Lets prey that things continue for the both of you....Just keep the new approach. It will be hard at times because you like to know whats wrong but save it for when she is home. Only ask once and if she says nothen then tell her that you will be available if needed to talk to.

[bdtraders]

Yea hopefully i can keep it up, im like you that if something is on her mind and i can tell its bugging her i want to help her and be ther to solve the problem with her to reduce her stress. I hate to see her stressed and when i ask if somethings wrong she tells me nothing. But i must let it go and if she wants to come to me then she can.

Today has been a good dy so far, she called me at work a bit ago and told me she was had went by a school we were thinking about sending her son to and got information. She then said she was going to have coffee with her sister, i said ok and bye and she said ok love you bye.

i keep my fingers crossed

[eightball61]

i keep my fingers crossed


Mine are crossed also ;)

[bdtraders]

Yesterday was an overall good day, she seemd upbeat and loving. When i got home from picking up her 16 yr old from church last night there seemed to be attitude in the house, her 12 year old daughter was moody and not talkative to me, so i went to go talk to my finace and she was quiet as well. I ignored it and went to look things up on the computer, then went over and helped her fold laundry.
Her 16 yr old son came in from getting the trash cans and she asked him what was his problem and he said nothing, she told him to sit down. So me, him and her are sitting in the living room and she tells him sheis tired of his attitude, he said good im tired of yours also, she said see what i mean, he says well stop yelling at me for no reason. She said well quit having an attitude. He said the only reason he has an attitude is cause she treats him like crap. At this point she got all defensive and was all, i know im a bad mother and person but you can show me a little respect, but i guess i dont do anything to make you happy even though i bend over backwards for you kdis. He said no you just always are moody. She said whatever and grabbed cloths, stood up and started crying. I told her to sit down so we can resolve everything and she said she had housework to do and to forget it, her son got up and told him to sit down so we can resolve or air some of the issues. He came and sat back down, she was crying and refused to stop and sit down and said she was going to take a shower. I told her son to go hang out in his room and he said see she always runs away from issues. I went in the bathroom and got in the shower with her and said, whats wrong, she said nothing im fine, i said you were crying, how were you feeling, she said it didnt matter how she felt, I told her it mattered not only to me but her kids and her family and friends because everyone loves her so much, and she needs to love herself and see that shes not a bad mother or woman. She didnt say anything. I told her that look he loves you and I love you and you love me and him, its just that everyone feeds off everyones attitudes and it blows up, like hes 16 and hes going through alot , you are going through alot not only with him but the other kids and work and everyone is on edge about something. Sometimes Yes he dose things that are stupid and BS and piss you off, just like im sur ei do things or the other kids, we are all human, just like you, and at times you jump down his neck for no reason just like you jump down mine or others. I told her we all do it but we need to see when we do it and fix it and move on from there. I asked her if she understood and she said it dosent matter, i said it does if she wants to keep her family, otherwise she will be all alone. She got real quiet and i told her everyone loves everyone they just need to stop this nonsense. She said we will see and got out of the shower. I finished my shower and when i got out she said she was gonna have a smoke and if i would then go watch tv with her on the couch, i said sure but i would rather we sit donw with her son and talk, she said not tonight.
me and her sat and watched tv for about an hour then went to bed.

this am i talked to her son and he said its no big deal she wont change and he only has 2 years more till he can move out. I said his mom loves him and he said yea it shows. I told him he could talk to me anytime and he said yea thanks for being here and talking to me and letting him feel semihuman. I told him it will get better.

When i got home from taking the little kids to school i called her to let her know everyone got to school ok, and she joked around a bit on the phone, we said our goodbyes and i hung up without saying my normal i love you. She called back 30 mins later and said she just wanted to say i love you, i said thank that means alot and i love you to.

[eightball61]

this am i talked to her son and he said its no big deal she wont change and he only has 2 years more till he can move out. .


In relation to my last post on your other thread I also said its best that you don't speak to the kids this way. They are her children and it will turn into a big mess if you turn them against her. Its ok to give them hope and you have done that well but you don't want to turn them away from there mother.

[bdtraders]

talk to her son what way? seeing if he was ok?

I dont see showing concern for her kids as turning them against her.


All i said to him this morning was aksing him if he was OK. He said the rest. and we droped it after that.

to me thats not turning her kids against her.

[eightball61]

I never said what you did was wrong. I said its ok to talk to them and guide them but when they talk negative about her don't agree with them. The talk you had with him was a nice but I am just pointing out that its better that you be more of a listener to them rather than a talker.

[bdtraders]

Yea thats what i am doing, just showing him support like someone cares and i remind him that she does care about him alot (you know how 16 yr olds think the whole worlds against them). Other then that I wont talk bad about his mom in front of him. I want to rebuild whats lacking between them rather then push it away. thats why i tell him it will get better.

[eightball61]

I want to rebuild whats lacking between them rather then push it away..


& thats very kind of you but remember you aren't superman and you have your own problems with her you need to fix. Those are her children and she needs to act like a supporting mothers to them. It is very hard at that age and having a person like you by thier sides is great but you have to remember that you have to work on your problems also. You are such a nice guy that you put other people first and thats ok but you need to set time to yourself also.

[bdtraders]

True but the same problems she and i have are the same problems she has with her children, commnication. So if we all can get her to start seeing that its just not one person that she lacks communication with its her whole family maybe her eyes will open. Thats why in the discussion we had last night when she told her son that hes the only person that thinks she has a bad attitude at times I spoke up and said thats no true and said everyone has bad attitudes at times, i do, she does and we all take it out on each other. Trying to take some of the focus off of her feeling attacked and more to seeing that it can be fixed.
I dont feel as if im trying to be superman and fix all the problems, but im also not going to sit there and allow them to argue then her say screw it. I will sit there and let them go at it until i feel as if they are not getting anywhere and just running around in circles. Just like i believe any family with a man and woman would do, one parent will sit there and listen to the other parent talk to the child and if it goes in circles they will call an end to it. Then go and discuss i private between the two parents what the child was saying and the such.
In last nights case i wasnt just going to sit there and let him stand up for himself and say things that were true about her and have her say hes the only person that feels that way. If i would have just sat there, to me it would not have showed support for him and it lines me up for when I have talks with her about the same issues her saying, oh why didnt you bring it up then when you were sitting there. If i see her saying something untrue i will call her on it, and if i see him saying something i will call him on it. Im not going to do it in a manner to make her look lower in her kids eyes i will just change the flow or say like i did last night that we all have bad attitudes, then when me and her are away from the kids in private i will tell her yea heres your problem.

If that makes sense.

[eightball61]

True but the same problems she and i have are the same problems she has with her children, commnication.


What I am trying to say is that they will need to face her with these problems individually. You don't want to created a bond where you all gang up on her. This is what I am trying to enforce on to happen. You, I, and they know she has a communication problem and a reality check is something she needs. She has not change anything yet nor I think she will unless reality hits her. I am not to sure on how to go about that but keep up your plan and if it works then I will be happy for you both but if it doesn't then my whole attitude will change on for you to leave.

[bdtraders]

On that I agree and disagree, the fact that we dont need to gang up on her, i dont feel its ganging up, just showing her thats it just not one person. She might see it as ganging up but i think its better then one person going off on her one day then another person the next day and so forth and so on, just get it all out at once and then try to rebuild and show support from there.
As far as if it dosent work then i should leave i DO AGREE 100%, if dosent change or show signs of change over the next month or three then I will sit her down and let her know im leaving. I want someone who wants love and gives love back. I know theres days or times when theres bad times but not on a weekly basis.

[eightball61]

On that I agree and disagree, the fact that we dont need to gang up on her, i dont feel its ganging up, just showing her thats it just not one person. She might see it as ganging up but i think its better then one person going off on her one day then another person the next day and so forth and so on, just get it all out at once and then try to rebuild and show support from there.
As far as if it dosent work then i should leave i DO AGREE 100%, if dosent change or show signs of change over the next month or three then I will sit her down and let her know im leaving. I want someone who wants love and gives love back. I know theres days or times when theres bad times but not on a weekly basis.


I agree and disagree also :p

Back to the ganging up issue... You mention that you dont see it that way but she may. Your goal is to find a way to make her realize whats happening. If you think that she will feel ganged up on then try a different approach. I really don't know what to try here other than you do what you need to do and the children approach thier mom like they should do. You don't want to be in the position where the kids say " Well bdtraders(sorry I don't know your first name says this and says that about you ". You want to approach your situation your way and you want them to go thier own way. The worse thing you want to do is get stuck in the middle.

[bdtraders]

True i see your point about getting caught in the middle.

I just wish she would stop being so stubborn and go see a counselor with me.

[eightball61]

Just stick to the original game plan and if there in no change in the next month or two then you know your answer on everything...........

[bdtraders]

Yea i hope it changes, ive never in my 32 years loved a woman like i love her, and it would really crush me, i dont know if i could ever love again after me and her.

[eightball61]

Its never the end of the world....it will hurt but you will learn to love again.

[bdtraders]

She called me at work last night to see how i was and all was good. I had placed a banner above the bedroom closet that said I love you in big letters, she didnt say anything about it so i aske dif she saw it, she said yea she saw it and so didthe neighbors who she was showing our new bedroom set to, i said oh what did they say, she said nothing. I said i put it up to put a smil eon her face and did she enjoy it and she got all pissed off and said "...yes damnit" I said what the hell i was just asking a simple question and she sid "im gonna hang up now before we get into a fight" and she hung up on me.
I got home about an hour later and she wasnt talking to me, i asked if she wanted to go to starbucks and she said later, 10 minutes later she said ok lets go so me and her left. I asked her how her day was and she mumbled fine. Its that itme of the month for her so i asked "how goes the flow" she said it "flows fine" , i asked her if she still felt like i didnt love her from her previous comment earlier in the day and she said, it was just a joke she didnt feel that way. We got coffee and were pulling out of the parking lot and i said "where to now" she said "home", i said ahh you dont wanna go park under the stars and makeout somewhere, as i laughed a said it, she said nope, i said ok go home and make out, she said nope i said ok thats cool and laughed it off. She said if you want pleasure thats why god gave you hands, i said i ws fully aware of that and they get put to good use (i was laughing as i said it) she turned and said " YOU" i said you back and asked what that was for, she said thats all i want her for is , i was like WTF. I said yea all i ever do is show you that i want you for , she said thats all i ever want, i said thats not true at all. She said whatever, why dont you try showing people love, i said why dont you say that in a mirror, she said you i show you love more then you show me, i laughed and got out of the truck cause we were home. She ignored me most of the night slamming things around the house. I sat on the couch to watch tv and she came and st next to me about an hour later to watch tv, i askd her what and she said nothing and that she was just joking earlier and why do i take everything so personal, i was like whatever thats your excuse for everything i take it personal and your always joking.
went to bed later she curled up to me, throughout the night she curled up to me, then this morning i ignored her and sat at my computer looking up things, she got up and came and gave me a kiss on my head and said she loved me, i didnt respond. About 15 minutes later i got up got my stuff for work walked over to her told her to be safe driving and gave her a kiss and left for work.

WTF does she want from me?

[eightball61]

WTF does she want from me?


Your just as cluesless as I am on this one. Stick to the plan though and you'll know your answer in a month or two.

[bdtraders]

yea it jsut sucks, i feel like such a wimp for going into the bathroom and crying after the words she say cut me.
I feel like such a wuss.

[inquisitive]

Why did you put up a banner saying you loved her? Don't you think she knows by now? I thought you were going to back off stuff like that. Personally I think it's more than over the top! It's almost like you're constantly trying to prove how much you love her, and how much more you show it than she does. Do you guys talk about anything else besides how she is. That you love her etc.?


One more thing that may be exasperating is you always asking her to respond to everything you do. Like the banner, the letters etc. When you give something to someone you shouldn't expect something back. It's alot better when you don't expect something back and then get it!

[eightball61]

You are not a whimp and I have done the same thing. Its ok to cry when you feel hurt over something. That does not make you a whimp.....I do have a suggestion though!!!!!

Since she like to be the blunt on then why don't you change to be the blunt one. Your focus has been to get her to see how much you to love her ad care for her but why not try a blunt approach??? I am refering to blowing up at her(on your next fight). Tell her exactly your thoughts and what she is doing to the relationship. I really see no mercy out of this and you really need to see what I am seeing here.

You are on the verge of having quits. You also have gotten stronger at expressing stuf but now you need to play her game and let her know whats failing and what needs to be fixed before she comes home one day from work and you are no longer there.

I am sorry to mention this but this is the last idea I can come up with. You have tried it all now. There is nothing left you can do. As I said she has to change for herself and if I was you I would only give it a time limit and then get out of there if there is no change in sight.

[bdtraders]

I put up the banner because she was questioning if i loved her earlier in the day, she said she felt as if i didnt for whatever reason.

Yes it is nice to give things but its also nice for the other person to like the present, instead of taking it and throwing ot on the counter and never reading something i spent hours on. Its also aggrevating when she tells everyone that im so loving and romantic but when i dont do the romantic things she gets all pissy and says i dont love her anymore.

Like right now she called and i was nice to her and she said what is my problem, i said i didnt have a problem, she said whatever...

i said what!!! and she said nothing your the one with the bad attitude, i said I am your the one that always seems mad about somthing and she said fine i will shut up , i said what do you want and she said nothing i want nothing, i said fine you got nothing then and i hung up.

im tired of the games.

[eightball61]

im tired of the games.


Read my last post because I think its time for you to just blow up and stand your ground.

[bdtraders]

im not gonna call her back like i normally do when she pulls that shit (hopefully thats the right thing to do) now my question is i winder if shes still gonna pick up my son while shes up there or is she not going to. I dont want to call her so i figure i will wait to see if she calls for directions this afternoon, if not i guess I know shes done with me if shes gonna pull that shit also.

[eightball61]

It ain't going to change unless she sees the reality like I stated. You may need to blow up at her to make her realize her wrong doing. She needs to have all your fustration thrown in her face so she can see what its doing to you. When you are mad or hurt don't go running elsewhere. She needs to see your face and whats happening....If I was in this situation then it would have been the last straw for me and I would just start packing..but thats my opinion.

[bdtraders]

Yea heres the text message converation we just had"

Her: Do you still want me to pick up josh when i am done. Have a great day.

Me: If it wouldnt be to much trouble. You to.

Her: Hes never any trouble

Me: Thank You

Her: yep. Talk to you later, Call you when im on his street.

Me: K


That was it, im so frustrated, i love her to death, my family lives far away, so i dont have them, i cant afford right now to live on my own, its like im trapped.
I feel as if she dosent care cause she says she dosent want anything, thats why i said fine then you got nothing and hung up.

Im at work, feel like shit, just want to ball my brains out, i love this woman so much and supposedly she love me to yet she does this to me.
Why, what did i do to deserve this, whatever i did im sorry, i just want to have my life and share it with someone i love. Problem is i have never loved anyone the way that i love her. I feel so sick, i hate being at work and wanting to cry and throw up at the same time, i feel so weak, i feel as if i am loosing everything i care about, i feel as if my life is crumbling down.
I just want to love and be loved, i want to share good times with someone and i know theres bad times in all relationships but damn, they say god wont give you anymore then you can handle, well why do i feel lately that if i had a gun in the house i would have blown my head off by now, i feel as if it wouldnt really matter to her or anyone else for that matter. I always question if i was to dissapear would it make a difference, maybe this is the time that i should see if it does. I dunno, why cant i have a normal life, why do i look around my friends and those around me and they have their issues but mine always seem to be huge , they are in awesome relationships and i cant find my miss right, or maybe i did and ed up and lost her and now im being punished by being in this relationship. I hurt, i want it to end, i lvoe this woman with every ounce of my life, never before have i wanted someone so much. Why does she hurt me so much, why does she not want anything, why is this hapining to me, i try to be a nice guy. I try to do the right things, i try to treat people the way they want to be treated. I guess the truth is nice guys finish last, i know all women out there arnt like her but i cant ever giv emy heart again to anyone, i wont do it , i cant, this kills me.
Sorry to have rambled im just lost and not sure if i want to ever be found.

[eightball61]

Its ok to vent but you need to stop ignoring the fact that you need to face her as an adult and point out all the hurt and hate she is causing....There will be no mercy if you allow this to continue. Your choices are to stay and accept who she is or do something and stand up to her.

[inquisitive]

I put up the banner because she was questioning if i loved her earlier in the day, she said she felt as if i didnt for whatever reason.

Yes it is nice to give things but its also nice for the other person to like the present, instead of taking it and throwing ot on the counter and never reading something i spent hours on. Its also aggrevating when she tells everyone that im so loving and romantic but when i dont do the romantic things she gets all pissy and says i dont love her anymore.

Like right now she called and i was nice to her and she said what is my problem, i said i didnt have a problem, she said whatever...

i said what!!! and she said nothing your the one with the bad attitude, i said I am your the one that always seems mad about somthing and she said fine i will shut up , i said what do you want and she said nothing i want nothing, i said fine you got nothing then and i hung up.

im tired of the games.

It may just be your not compatible. I'm not trying to harp on you, honest. But all these things you do, while by themselves, would be sweet, would annoy the hell out of me. You're doing all of this in short periods of time. Then your asking her about them, and how shes doing, and how shes feeling etc. Personally I hate being asked how I feel, and how I'm doing constantly. It annoys me.

To me it sounds like you are both just plain aggravated with eachother. You're trying to show her up with how much you love her, and how much you do for her.

From what you write here it seems everytime you call her or talk to her you bring up some "issue". Do you ever spend time with her and not bring anything up, at all?

Maybe she's not the type of person to respond to all these romantic things you do in the way you want. My SO bought me a lovely love book. It has beautiful poems, pics etc. in it. I didn't sit down right away and read it, and gush about it. Thats not me. I read it when I want to. When I did finally read it I showed him things in there that I enjoyed and different pics etc. But I'll tell you it wasn't right away.

It seems you're upset with her for not responding to you how you want her to respond. If you're tired of games I'm sure she is too.

[inquisitive]

Can I ask you something? What did you want her to say in the text conversation? Looks pretty normal to me!

[bdtraders]

i totally understand that, the fact is that I havent changed it the romance department from the time we met. She used to be the same way, shes not anymore.
When im romantic she acts like she doesnt care, when i stop being romantic she acts like i dont care.

She just sent me a text message that say:

Love ya even if you dont. talk to you later.



See what i mean, of all the things i do, she STILL questions my love for her.

So you say im to romantic or come on to strong or whatever, but she still questions if i love her.

[eightball61]

I am only going to say it once more and you need to stand up to her emotioanlly tonight on everything. Tell her what you are thinking, what is happening, and what you want as a change. After that monitor the relationship for a bit and if there is no change then leave to save a headache.

[bdtraders]

I cant tonight, she wont be home she is shaperoning a all nighter at church that her daughter is attending. But i will when me are her get alone time away from the kids.

As far as what did i want from the text conversation, nothing, just pisses me off that she says she dosent want nothing. (including me)

then she feels as if i dont love her.....i cant win with her..

[eightball61]

I cant tonight, she wont be home she is shaperoning a all nighter at church that her daughter is attending. But i will when me are her get alone time away from the kids.



Then in that case turn your cell off and go do something productive. Just leave the situation to rest until you get that alone time with her.

[bdtraders]

what upsets me is shes gonna sweep this under the rug and act like it never happened.

[eightball61]

what upsets me is shes gonna sweep this under the rug and act like it never happened.


Thats why I am telling you not to hide it. You need to make it known to her this weekend. If you hide it then nothing will ever get accomplished

[bdtraders]

Yea, i just know her reactions will be the following:

you take everything to personal
i was just a joke
I said i didnt want nothing i didnt say i didnt want you
why are you trying to pick a fight
i know im a bad person
your just being stupid
im know im destined to be alone
you make it sound like i show you no love

and the number one thing is when i start talking to her she will say why do you hve to be so emotional and she will walk away, everytime shes confronted she walks away. shes done it with me on many occasions and with her son the other night.

I wish i could just sit her down and talk to her and convey my feelings.

I am starting to seriously belive that there is no woman that wants a loving caring guy, that likes to joke around and have fun times, likes to do his own things and likes when she does her own things.

Im gonna have a HUGE talk with her when we get the chance to be alone and have it, caus ei cant take this anymore, but i know what her responses will be.

[eightball61]

I wish i could just sit her down and talk to her and convey my feelings.

.

You wish this and you wish that but nothing ever happens. You complain about this daily and there has to be a time when you just have to say enough is enough.....You are allowing this to happen. Its either you stop whinning and accept it or break up with her.

[inquisitive]

Have you given consideration to the thought that you both just express love differently? That maybe you're smothering her? She might not even know how to respond to all this. Some men over compensate with the "I love you's" and little gifts, when they're cheating. (Not saying you are) See you're here analyzing everything that she says, and the conversations you're having. Then you analyze them with her. She's probably doing the same thing in her head. Wondering why you need validation all the time etc. At the beginning of most relationships things are always more lovey dovey, and you miss eachother more. Then it dies down.

To me it sounds like you have wanted her to change from the moment you came on this site, and you wanted her to change right away.

Obviously some of the things she says and does is not productive to a healthy relationship, but sometimes talking too much is a detrement too.

For example. When she said she didn't feel like you loved her. You reassured her on the phone that you did, and then you also went and hung up a big banner in the bedroom. She was on her period at the time. You know she goes through mood swings when she's pmsing right? Take those stupid little things she says when she's PMSing and attribut it to that (don't tell her). If she doesn't know by now that you love her she is never going to know.

At some point you need to give eachother space to think through everything you've been discussing. You've told her how you felt. She may not be comfortable explaining to you exactly how she feels. So let it be for a while. Maybe take a vacation of your own, and just have some space. Repeating the same old conversation is like beating a dead horse, and it honestly doesn't sound like it's going to get you anywhere.

Don't say you're leaving for good. Just go fishing, or whatever it is you like to do. Spend some one on one time with your son. Just get away and think about everything, and let her do the same. It might be that simple. She just needs time alone to think.

[eightball61]

Sorry to be harsh on the last post but whinning about her is not helping anything. You need to do something...I mean I don't know what else to say...its all in your hands now...

[bdtraders]

Have you given consideration to the thought that you both just express love differently? That maybe you're smothering her? She might not even know how to respond to all this. Some men over compensate with the "I love you's" and little gifts, when they're cheating. (Not saying you are)

Obviously some of the things she says and does is not productive to a healthy relationship, but sometimes talking too much is a detrement too.

For example. When she said she didn't feel like you loved her. You reassured her on the phone that you did, and then you also went and hung up a big banner in the bedroom. She was on her period at the time. You know she goes through mood swings when she's pmsing right? Take those stupid little things she says when she's PMSing and attribut it to that (don't tell her).

At some point you need to give eachother space to think through everything you've been discussing. You've told her how you felt. She may not be comfortable explaining to you exactly how she feels. So let it be for a while. Maybe take a vacation of your own, and just have some space. Repeating the same old conversation is like beating a dead horse, and it honestly doesn't sound like it's going to get you anywhere.

Don't say you're leaving for good. Just go fishing, or whatever it is you like to do. Spend some one on one time with your son. Just get away and think about everything, and let her do the same. It might be that simple. She just needs time alone to think.


Yea i totally know that people express love differntly , but all her friends tell me that she brags how much of a romantic i am and how much i show her love and she hopes it never stops. (so how can it be to much if she tells her friends she likes it), and i can see the over compensation when a man cheats but i would never cheat on her, i would break up with her first, i love her way to much to hurt her that way.

About talking to much can be a detrement, problem is she hardly talks to me period. She talks more with her friends and others then she really talks with me, we used to talk all the time now it seems as anytime we try to talk about anything it might go ok for a few days then she starts biting my head off.

I understand mood swings on periods, she has mood swings every other week. They are just not when her period stikes.

I try to take my space, me and my buddy hung out on monday and she had a shit fit that I was hanging out with someone other then her. She gets upset if i dont take the same days off as her to hang out with a friend i hadnt seen in over a year, yet when a friend she hadnt seen in a year came down she told me either like it or leave, she had known her friend longer.

I agree 100% that she needs time alone to think but she dosent allow herself the time alone, between her work then all the extra curicular activities she throws her name in the hat for she is going all the time, she dosent have time to rest much less time for me and her kids that want to spend time with her. We have all asked her to cut back and she has said no shes fine.

She cant seem to understand that she already pushed her oldest son away and is in the progress of loosing her 16 yr old son and her daughter as well as myself.

She has alot of old issues she needs to resolve, and i know shes been hurt by guys BIG TIME in the past, but she needs to let them out and see someone about her depression issues as well as realize that she is her own worst critic. She says shes a that deserves nothing and she will never know hapiness. She will sink her own ship when she had alot of people aorund that love and care for her so much. if only she will allow them to and relaize that inside her a good person struggling to get out.

She knows i love her, but she fights it, I know she loves me, yet she says she dosent deserve a guy like me and i should leave cause im to good for her.
She needs to LOVE herself.

[eightball61]

I am not going to read this letter....You need to be an adult and do face this situation with her. The letter shows you are hiding again and hiding has proven not to work. You keep allowing this to happen and it will keep going unless you make an adult approach and face your partner like you are suppose to.

[bdtraders]

point taken, but hard to be an adult and talk to someones back as they walk away cause they are being stubburn

anyway i guess i just have to come with grips that even though i love this woman with all my heart, that it is most likly over. I will get everything off my chest to her and if she walks away i guess that tells me what she thinks about me.

It just hurts that I am not only loosing her but her awesome kids.

Thank you so much 8ball and sorry if i whine at times its just becuase im very emotional right now. She is my heart.

thank you

[inquisitive]

Yea i totally know that people express love differntly , but all her friends tell me that she brags how much of a romantic i am and how much i show her love and she hopes it never stops. (so how can it be to much if she tells her friends she likes it), and i can see the over compensation when a man cheats but i would never cheat on her, i would break up with her first, i love her way to much to hurt her that way.

Maybe she puts on a front to her friends about how she's "suppose" to act as a woman? You know. Women love to get gifts all the time, and all that.

About talking to much can be a detrement, problem is she hardly talks to me period. She talks more with her friends and others then she really talks with me, we used to talk all the time now it seems as anytime we try to talk about anything it might go ok for a few days then she starts biting my head off.

You mean the results of your talk is she continues doing things that hurt you? Or you talk about the same issue for a few days and she gets upset?

If it's the results of your talk it may take a while to change for good. Without talking about it again for a while. Revisit the issue in say 6 weeks after the first talk.


I understand mood swings on periods, she has mood swings every other week. They are just not when her period stikes.

Has she brought this up with her doctor? I know you mentioned before that she does take medication for her mood swings. Maybe the medication needs to be changed. Women's hormones are constantly increasing/decreasing as they get older.

I try to take my space, me and my buddy hung out on monday and she had a shit fit that I was hanging out with someone other then her. She gets upset if i dont take the same days off as her to hang out with a friend i hadnt seen in over a year, yet when a friend she hadnt seen in a year came down she told me either like it or leave, she had known her friend longer.

That's definitely not right. It's a double standard.

I agree 100% that she needs time alone to think but she dosent allow herself the time alone, between her work then all the extra curicular activities she throws her name in the hat for she is going all the time, she dosent have time to rest much less time for me and her kids that want to spend time with her. We have all asked her to cut back and she has said no shes fine.

Sometimes people keep taking more and more on because they can't/won't deal with what it is that's really bothering them. You probably can't help her with this.

She cant seem to understand that she already pushed her oldest son away and is in the progress of loosing her 16 yr old son and her daughter as well as myself.

As for her kids, if I was you I would not get involved at all. Kids at that age pull away from their parents. It's inevitable. Pretty much everyone I know pulled away from their parents at that age. They want to be independent, and do things on their own.

She has alot of old issues she needs to resolve, and i know shes been hurt by guys BIG TIME in the past, but she needs to let them out and see someone about her depression issues as well as realize that she is her own worst critic. She says shes a that deserves nothing and she will never know hapiness. She will sink her own ship when she had alot of people aorund that love and care for her so much. if only she will allow them to and relaize that inside her a good person struggling to get out.

I don't see talking to her accomplishing anything. She needs counseling. She seems to have some serious self esteem issues.

She knows i love her, but she fights it, I know she loves me, yet she says she dosent deserve a guy like me and i should leave cause im to good for her.
She needs to LOVE herself.

If you know she knows you love her, don't worry about going over the top with showing it. Tell her every day of course, but you don't need to tell her all day every day. You can only do so much. You can't change her. You've gone over the top showing her how much you care. Now let her just see it. When she says stupid things about how you don't love her. Say you do, and end the conversation.

I went through a little stage like this with my SO. All the time telling him that I didn't think he love me etc etc. he was always trying to prove me wrong. When he stopped that and just showed me I slowly stopped thinking that. It took time. But it went away.

[bdtraders]

Thank you inquisitive

I hope she sees what she has, i wish she would do counseling very much with me, she does need to change her medication and shes said it herself, she just dosent follow up and go to the doctors on it.

She is one awesome woman, thats why i fell in love with her. Just wish she could see what shes doing to the ones she loves.



Thank You all, you have all been a great help and i look at you as people i can turn to and vent. I when i get the chance this weekend will vent to her.

inquisitive can i ask you another question, when she picks up my son today after her meeting shes gonna most likley gonna act like this am never happened and start being sweet and loving (that what she does when she sees me pulling away), what should i do, should i blow it off till i see her face to face or should i still express that im hurt.

[eightball61]

The venting is not bothering me but you are going on because there is no hope. When there is no hope to a relationship then you move on. You are allowing yourself to suffer like this by staying with her.

[inquisitive]

I would leave it for now. Leave it for when you're going to be able to talk about everything you want to say to her. Don't bring this up, and then a few days from now (or whenever it is you have the conversation) have another discussion with her.

[bdtraders]

ok thank you both.

lol she just called to ask me where a certain area code was, then hung up on me. oh well whatever

[inquisitive]

Don't over analyze it. Maybe she was in a hurry or driving or anything. Until you have your talk (this weekend right?) try not to overanalyze everthing she's doing.

[bdtraders]

Don't over analyze it. Maybe she was in a hurry or driving or anything. Until you have your talk (this weekend right?) try not to overanalyze everthing she's doing.

true just made me laugh, shes at a meeting with all her friends from work why not ask them. Just find it amuzing that she says she dosent want anything, then texts me, then calls about an area code and sounds all pissy on the phone when asking me.

She made me laugh and not cry, thats COOL :D

[bdtraders]

I guess I am starting to look back on the last year and think of all the shit we have been through, where i have been sad and scared i now start laughing.

her LOSS..lol

im a great guy, i sent my resume over to a company that wanted to hire me before for a good deal of money but couldnt hire me cause my ex worked there (we were still legaly marreid at the time). So i sent my resume over there and its up ner where my son lives, so if i got it i could kiss this town and this life goodbye.

What an swesome day it is, gonna play with my son and her son tonight as she will be gone to a thing with her daughter and others all night.

And to the next woman that gets me, LUCKY YOU...lol
just hope you like a gentelman that likes to joke around, laugh and go out. You must also like movies and music.

Anyone feel like dancing lol :p

[eightball61]

What an swesome day it is, gonna play with my son and her son tonight as she will be gone to a thing with her daughter and others all night.




There you have a goal for tonight...stick to that goal and make the best of it.....worry about the other stuff latter.

[bdtraders]

.....worry about the other stuff latter.

What other stuff...lol her... Her loss. I gave so much to this relationship that she can start giving back or im gone. Im not worried about i, i got my health, my charm , and most important my son, if she cant see what a great guy that i am, someone else will.
I will always love her to death, but the crack she has placed in my heart is letting that love slowly leak out.
I will still have or should i say attempt to have a conversation with her hopefull tommorrow night, if she dosent want to talk and get mad then whatever, im not gonna waste my breath anymore and i will consider her a roommate until i am in the capcity to move on.

Man i dont wanna be at work right now i wanna go ut and have some fun, walk the mall, play some video games, watch a movie, listen to some tunes other then this elevator music they pump in here at work.

Damn it great to be alive again

[eightball61]

What other stuff...lol her... Her loss.


Well, we'll have to just see how you react in the next few weeks then...

[bdtraders]

I agree with that, im just so tired its comical now. Which is prob going to piss her off even more. But i dont know what else to do, im gonna have the talk and take it day by day and im going to attempt to start focusing more on myself and my hapiness. Im sure she will make it difficult but im going to try,i cant go on feeling this way. I love her, case closed.

[eightball61]

I love her, case closed.


& I will leave it as that....I am just going to sit back and see what happens. You know what are thoughts are so kno if you want to do something for YOU then you'll need to put it all in play.

[bdtraders]

Well it happened this weekend....all hell broke loose on saturday night.
She was in a good mood friday night and all day saturday, saturday night came the kiddos went to bed and me and her were still up watching some TV and joking around. I asked her is she wanted to go outside and check out the full moon and she said sure. When we were outside i told her I wanted to talk to her, i told her i wasnt looking for a converstion just yet, but her to just sit there and LISTEN to me, if she didnt agree with me she could voice herself when i was finished but i was going to get alot of things off my chest out in the open and when i was done there would be a chance for her to get thigns off her chest and we would go from there. She said it sounded bad and i said well we will see how bad it is when we are done.
I laid it all out, how her moods fluctuate and she takes it out on people the dont deserve it. I told her that she was pushing me away. I went into detail about things she would say or do that hurt and i could tellshe was boiling inside and wanted to burst and tell me off. I explained to her that never before has a woman made me cry the way she has and so often. I explained to her that i did see positive changes in her from the bottled up, i can do it all myself type of woman she once was, but i also told her her moods needed to level out. I explained to her that everyone has moods, and i know i can have a bad one myself at times cause non of us are perfect. But the attitude she was exhibiting for awhile was driving ALL her loved ones away.
She made several attempts to walk away and when she did i toldher if she walked away from the conversation i was walking away from the relationship and if she wanted to test me to try it. She stayed.
After about 30 mins of just me talking i was suprised i didnt shed a tear, so was she. I said she could talk now and the first thing she said was, why arnt you mr emotiona right now. I told her that i was all cryed out lately and that she was killing me inside, my heart was dieing and had got passed the stage of crying, i was all dryed up. she said "why all because of me" and i said yes, she said then why dont you just leave im a bad person, i told her i loved her and knew she was a good person and wanted to stand by her side and love her forever, but if she wished for me to leave i would respect that wish, or if she continued to treat me in such a manner i would take that as a sign and also would leave. She said "you dont love me, you never have and never will" and said she was going for a drive. I said ok and i walked in the house. (normally i would have stopped her and tryedto talk more to her). She was gone about an hour when her sister called and said that she had went over there and was crying to her, her sister talked to her and laid it all out with her about her kids feelings also, (she didnt tell her i knew how her kids felt, she figured i already had my hands full) While i was on the phone I heard her truck pull up and i got off. She walked in crying and asked if i would go out in the garage with her. I walked out there and she gav eme a big hug and said if i wasnt happy i could leave she wouldnt ask me to stay, but would i hear her out first. I told her of course. She went on telling me how scared she has always been to loose me and that she would pull away cause she didnt want to get hurt, she apologized for taking so much out on me because she didnt want to take to much out on others, but she knew i was a strong person and could handle it, she said she didnt relize she was dumping so much on me until she heard it from her sister also.
She said she would try very hard to change and to please not giv eup on her, she wants to be a better person and needs help, i suggested counseling and she said maybe in a bit but she wasnt ready for that step yet, but would i please trust her like she trusted me, (she reminded me that when i left before i told her to trust me, that it would be ok) she said please and was crying. she said she didnt know the words to say she was sorry for what she has done and treatd me, i said she didnt have to say anything just treat me like you would want to be treated.
We went to bed, and its been nice since then, she was moody with the kids yesterday, but they were being holy terrors and were trying my nevers also.
Last night when she came to bed she curled up next to me and said how much she loved me, i said i love you to. About 5 mins later she said thank you for being my best friend and my future husband, i promise to never let you regret it again. I said your mine also.

I hope and pray it lasts, im sure there will be slips but if gets back to how bad it was then thats it.

[eightball61]

Another fight happens :confused: ……. I am with you on this one and lets prey she does change for the better. You both will still fight in the future because it’s a normal thing in relationships. You both will come across arguments again. The goal though is tomake them less constant.

You felt like me during this fight and that was emotionless. The reason why is because you had so much anger that you had no room to cry. You stood strong and I am proud of you for that. If this is not a reality check for her then I don’t know what will be.

Your next steps should be two things: 1. You should calm down some and allow her to try to work in her magic to get your interest in the relationship back. 2. You should be thinking about what you may want to do if nothing works out with this.

You should use this last big fight for change as the last straw. You have had with her and you are no longer happy. The only thing you are happy about is being with her but even now you have to fool yourself in believe that. Its not healthy to fight as much as you both do and you see that. You need to continue being strong and just let things go on next time it happens. It will be a process for her but if she wanted something bad then she will make a change for it. I will honestly say that I will call you a fool r next time you have a big fight with her and decide to stay. You need a healthy living and a healthy life with a partner. Right now you are not getting that……..but we will have to see how things play out with her. Thanks for the update bdtraders.

[bdtraders]

Thanks for support 8ball, yea next time theres a huge "attitude" fight, (other then norm relationship stuff) im gone,

I am giving her space to let everything soak in and in the mean time contacting my buddies, i have hit them up that if the time comes for me to bail can i crash at their pad until i get my own, they have said oh hell yea, so i got my plans ready.

Time will tell.

[eightball61]

I am very pleased to hear you got you mind where I been trying to get it. Having a little space for the time being to let this settle is probably the best. This is only to help the relationship and I hope she can see that.

I went through the same mindset for a while with my girlfriend . Everytime we fought she would cry and I would never show emotion because I was sick of it. Ever since I stood up and gave us some space we have been doing fine. I do hope the same goes for your relationship. Its hard to leave a loved one like you are for a bit but deep down we both know you are doing the right thing. ;)

Take it slow for sometime and just gradually move back in there. In a week or two if things look good then start sleeping there a few nights at a time and work more nights in from there. This is something I would do but its all up to you. Keep us posted and as always we'll be here.

[bdtraders]

8ball i havent moved out yet, i will if she dosent show signs of change and reverts bakc to being an ass.
I on the othr hand have started speaking my mind more, be more confident and she seems to be opening up more and we have had good conversations.

As far as how i use to call her, i call her once in the morning after i take the kids to school, then its up to her to call me when she has a free moment, then she will normally talk on her drive home.

As far as text messages, i dont send many, i only sent one today saying hope she was having a good day and that i was thinking of her - she replyed "love ya".

We have plans to sleep in tommorrow after the kids are off, then we are going to one of the parks we used to frequent when we were first dating to lay on a blanket under the trees and sun and talk and read books, just get air and reconnect.

[eightball61]

Your taking it slow and its a start. Continue on this pace for now and only pick things up as more progress shows.

[luvme4ever]

Your lover fall for you for who you are when she first know u. You shouldn't let her walk all over u. Like me. if my boyfriend let me walk all over him. I would think he's not the true man I want him to be. So take it from a gurl. Stand strong!

[bdtraders]

Yea i am a stonger person now and she seems to be more receptive. If she decided to continue the BS with me like this i know i can move on and its her loss.

[bdtraders]

the bag over my face in my avatar is very truthful, i am a spineless jellyfish that is a . once again she treated me like shit last night, told me she wanted nothing and didnt care (even though i know she does and amits it when shes not being stubburn and stupid), huge fight, she acted like whatever didnt matter, i cryed and tryed to make it all better with her,

im such a sap, i feel like such a loser, i dont know where i stand with her, i dont like me anymore

your right 8ball, i wont ever change, im a lost cause

[eightball61]

your right 8ball, i wont ever change, im a lost cause


I never stated that you were a lost cause. You are staying in a relationship hoping for something that isn't there. Everytime I see a rainbow I think of pot of gold that could be on the other side but I don't go looking for it because its not there.....your relationship is the same and its not there. ( ok that was a lame metaphor)

This so-called relationship is just being barried on because the both of you are to afraid to leave. Life will go on if you both are not together. It may seem hopeless at first but after some time away from everything then you do get ahold of things and move on.

You stated that you are giving this one more chance. You now did that and this fight happened....so which direction are you going to go now? are you going to do more wishful thinking or take the reality of the relationship and move on?

[bdtraders]

You stated that you are giving this one more chance. You now did that and this fight happened....so which direction are you going to go now? are you going to do more wishful thinking or take the reality of the relationship and move on?

I dont know, i honeslty feel trapped. I feel as though this woman is in love with me but she is scared to fall 100% because men have hurt her before in her past. And in all my relationships this is the first time i have been so in love with someone. It bothers me cause i can see the good side of her, its in her but shes things she is a a and heartless and shes her own worst enemy. If she would just let herself go and realize her life can be grad if she lets it it would all be good. I went for a drive twice last night and she seemed to careless. Then about 10pm i went to the bathroom a cryed in private because i felt like i should just leave and let her think about things, soi got up went to the bedroom got dressed, she rolled over and asked wher ei was going, i said out and she said if i walked out that door then it was over and to never come back. that scared the shit out of me cause i know she dosent want it to be over. So i sat there and we talked for a long time and she said her apologies and that she does get scared but dosent show it anymore becuase when we used to first get into fights i would pack a bag and she would beg me to stay andi would leave for a few hours then come back, so she is conditioned now to act like she dont care caus eof my actions. if that makes sense.
i went to bed and she snuggled up apolizing and saying she loved me. she said she feels as if i dont appreciate her when she shows me love, i said how do you show me love and she said by cookking dinner, doing the laundry and cleaning the house. I said i am very appreciatve about all those things.

im so lost i lvoe this woman with all my heart and its killing me to think that i should just leave and i will never hear from her again. What we used to have was so awesome.

i feel so week like a sap, i fel lost like i could dissapear and it wouldnt matter.

i called her this am to say i got the kids off ok and she acted like nothing was wrong. just another day.

i feel like crap, like dirt,and i cant rebuild myself

[eightball61]

i feel like crap, like dirt,and i cant rebuild myself


Then leave to a freinds house like you originally planned. Take some time off from this whole thing so you can clear your head. Being around her is not helping a damn thing.........

[bdtraders]

Yea but if i leave thats it, its over there will be no mind clearing she will be done and so will I.

She jsut called while on her break and i asked how she was and she said fine, she aske dhow i was and i sai di felt like shit she said why and i said cause of her and last night. We talked and she just seemed real monotone about everything, then seh said ok gotta run and went back into work. its so hard to read her, like ill tell her we need to work on this or that and she will remain quiet and i will say, right? and she will be like yea.

I told her last night if shes not 100% in love with me then let me go, if theres someone else she would rather be with then let me go, that she didnt have to treat me this way to get me to elave, just be honest with me and tell me. She said she didnt want anyone else and no one else even comes into the equation and that she does want me. She said the same thing right now.

im so lost, she has my heart

[eightball61]

Yea but if i leave thats it, its over there will be no mind clearing she will be done and so will I.




Then what do you want??? :confused: Who says it will be over if you stay with a friend? was it her? is that why you didn't leave last time?

[bdtraders]

Cause when i got dressed to go last night she told me

"if you walk out that front door is the rain and go driving thats stupid, and if you walk out that door dont ever come back"


I was like ok is she trying to tell me she dosent want me to leave cause she still cares or is she just being a .

[bdtraders]

Note: (for Rich)

Shes been off her medication for 3 days and is going to see the nurse about getting a refill sent in today at 4pm. They wouldnt do it over the phone andher next Dr appointment is on 5/11.

Does being off effexor or wellbutrin or whatever its called really take you down that low or is it just her.

ami grasping fro answers

[eightball61]

Can you please answer this:

What do you want out of this?

[bdtraders]

I want her to return to the loving caring woman she once was that showed love by doing the little things. She used to look at me with a sparkle in her eye, now she hardly looks at me, yet she swears she wants me and no one else.

I know relationships change after the initial "wow" at the beginning. but she went from dream woman to worst fear.

I love her with all my heart and when i ask her if she dosent love me the same anymore then just say so,she dosent, (if seh really dosent why cant she just say so).

I want her to stop fighting with herself and to be happy and see that shes got a awesome life and shes going to loose it all, shes already drove away her 21 year old son, her 16 year old is not far behind and so on, along with me. I know im a great guy and i know alot of women that have told me that i should leave her and they can show me true hapiness, so its not the fear of not finding love again, its that for the first time in my 32 years i feel that me and her have a bond and we were destined to be together. She just has to realize i love her and wont ever cheat on her or betray her trust and i want to be with her forever. Its so frustrating cause I can see it inside her struggling to get out. She just fights it.

If its why do i post on here, i guess to vent and to get others points a view, i know its still my decision but i do value you opinions even though i may not show it or follow it. You know what they say that true love is blind, and i would have told my friends or anyone else to get out along time ago myself, but something i dont know what it is keeps me holding on, and i wish i knew what it was, i dumped women for alot less before so why do i stay and put up with this,

im very lost when i question why i stay, other then i do love her and i still want to belive theres hope. as stupid as i may be.

i dunno im just an emotinal wreck


we taked over the phone again right now and she asked what was wrong, i just told her i was lost cause of the way she treated me, she aske what can she do to make me feel better, i said love me like you used to, she said i do,

[eightball61]

This is not regards to why you post here and I would never be that rude to you........ ;)


Now since you answered my question lets take a further look at it.


You state "I want her to return to the loving caring woman she once was ".

You are right and relationships do change over time but the successful ones is where the partners can adapt to the change and work things out together. You are not getting this here and you know it. So now I ask whats the point??? Right now all she is showing to me is that she will not change the ways. You both had this fight last weekend and she was only ok for a few days. You are wishing for something that has proven you are not going to get. So again why are you staying???


You also say "I want her to stop fighting with herself and to be happy and see that shes got a awesome life and shes going to loose it all".

The only way she can accomplish this is doing it herself. You pushing and staying has again not proving to work. She needs to make the change for herself. Often times when people are this miserable only 2 things can happen...1 They eventually get the wakeup call when they drove everyone away. OR 2. they will never change.


What do you want for yourself? Do you want happiness in your life or this BS?

Again, my point I am trying to get across is you are stuck. You mind is tricked into thinking she will change. Over the past 5 months you have been posting about these problems that never been resolved. No effort has even been changed by her. Things always go back to the same thing and thats why it has proven she will not change for YOU.

Your only 2 options are:

1. Get out and seek the happiness you deserve
2. Allow this to control you and continue the non-happiness

This is what I see...I am really sorry to break it down this way but its all in your hands now. So what is it going to be?

[inquisitive]

So you admit that part of the reason she always says she doesn't care is because earlier on in the relationship you'd be quick to pack a bag as if you were leaving? You wonder why she's closed herself off to you?

You are constantly over analyzing everything.

So you got into a fight and you went for a drive. You say it seemed like she could care less. What did you want her to do? You were arguing. Then you complain that you can't read how she's feeling over the phone etc.

Couples fight. It's normal. It's actually healthy.

I don't want to sound mean or anything, but at some point you have to stop. You can't change people. Especially if you are just saying she has to change and she is the problem here. You admit that you use to threaten to leave by packing a bag etc. Now you're having these big long talks about how she has to change because she's pushing people away, and so on. But you're not giving her time to do anything. You're constantly revisiting the same subject over and over. Have you told her your sorry for making her feel insecure, and that you too want to change and not be like that? Have you taken ownership for anything or have you put it all on her?

If you can't stop constantly discussing the same problem over and over without giving time for anything to change, and you can't say that there are things you need to change to then I suggest you leave.

You're not happy. It doesn't sound like she's happy (from what you've wrote) So why not just leave then?

[eightball61]

Couples fight. It's normal. It's actually healthy.



I couldn't agree with you more with the statement above but they fight almost everyday and to me thats not healthy.

[inquisitive]

You're right it's not healthy. I just can't help thinking it's because of over analzying everything that goes on in their lives. The tone of her voice. The wording she uses. Her interactions with her kids etc.

Even taking a break from posting here might be a good idea.

When I first started coming on these relatinship forums I had a great relationship (still do lol), but after coming on and reading about different problems and what not the mind starts going, and I started envisioning things that could be problems. When in reality nothing was wrong. Everything was the same as it always was, and I was just as happy as I've always been :) (although that could be attributed to my overactive imagination!!)

[eightball61]

Even taking a break from posting here might be a good idea.

I don't think that may help him because his problem will still be at home. He needs to get out of that place for a while and also maybe posting here. He needs a break from it all.........


When I first started coming on these relatinship forums I had a great relationship (still do lol), but after coming on and reading about different problems and what not the mind starts going, and I started envisioning things that could be problems. When in reality nothing was wrong. Everything was the same as it always was, and I was just as happy as I've always been :) (although that could be attributed to my overactive imagination!!)

I got a different effect....I can relate though when you see other peoples issues its gets your mind wondering. Sites like this can be very educational to your own relationship though. If any of these situations ever pop up then you will have a better idea on how to approach it.

Sites like this one have helped me out with my insecurity issues and also to expressing myself. I can't quite explain why the effect took place but it just did. It has also gained me to step in my partners shoes and think about her side to an arguement. Overall, I am proud what I have learned here and was able to use the tools in my relationship.

So there are some negative and some positives here...

[inquisitive]

Oh definitely. There are positives for sure. I've learned quite a bit, but for me I did need to take a step back. I tend to project things into my own life (I also use to be a bit hypocondriac, and can still be so at times), and overanalyze things so this may not really apply to anyone else.

[eightball61]

You should start a thread with your thoughts. ;)

I agree and sometimes it does get me thinking about my relationship but i try not to let it get in the way. Once it ever does then thats when I will take a step back but so far so good :D

[inquisitive]

I would, but I don't really have anything pressing on my mind at the moment. My mind sometimes works in weird ways. Some of my thoughts no one should know lol.

[bdtraders]

So you admit that part of the reason she always says she doesn't care is because earlier on in the relationship you'd be quick to pack a bag as if you were leaving? You wonder why she's closed herself off to you?

Yes I do admit that and I stopped doing that. And i tottaly understand that she closed herself off from me in that aspect, by why all other aspects. Plus she didnt show emotions about being scared to ever loose me until she saw that i was gonna leave, up to that point all she showed was an attitude of fine then leave, so i would pack my bags then she would change her tune.

You are constantly over analyzing everything.

If she wont give me answers, then i am left to analyz my own thoughts, when simple communication on her part along with my communication would settle it. I want to talk about issues and she wants to run away from them or dosent see any issues, so i have no choice but to figure it out on my own.

So you got into a fight and you went for a drive. You say it seemed like she could care less. What did you want her to do? You were arguing. Then you complain that you can't read how she's feeling over the phone etc.

Trust me i understand we were arguing.Yea i went for a drive and im sure she did care less, my point was she seemed to care less that she was pushing me away ( i could care less about the drive). My point about the phone was anytime she used to be on the phone with me or is on the phone with anyone but me nowdays she seems happy,but if she calls me (which i let her do the majority now so i dont bug her) she has nothing to say, i control the conversation and she just has yes or no answers or seems distracted.

Couples fight. It's normal. It's actually healthy.

I fully agree, but theres a HUGE differnce between arguing and your SO belittling you and claing ZERO wrong and claims that you (me) dont show any love, when all i do is show her love, even prob to much. Then she claims i dont appreciate her and dont love her. (What more can i do)

I don't want to sound mean or anything, but at some point you have to stop. You can't change people. Especially if you are just saying she has to change and she is the problem here. You admit that you use to threaten to leave by packing a bag etc. Now you're having these big long talks about how she has to change because she's pushing people away, and so on. But you're not giving her time to do anything. You're constantly revisiting the same subject over and over. Have you told her your sorry for making her feel insecure, and that you too want to change and not be like that? Have you taken ownership for anything or have you put it all on her?

I have taken ownership for EVERYTHING, even telling her that we both need to change in ways. The problem is she dosent take ownership of anything, its how i changed her, i made her this way. Really cause you treated your ex the same way after a period of time, then you cheated on him. I tottaly point out my flaws and take ownership all the time, but she has to take ownership of somethings also.

If you can't stop constantly discussing the same problem over and over without giving time for anything to change, and you can't say that there are things you need to change to then I suggest you leave.

I know i need to change, but we shoudl work on things as a couple i feel, she needs to communicate with me what i do that upsets her, but she wont, she says they dont matter then she say si have said hurtfull things, so i ask like what so i can change and she says dont worry about it its no big deal. So i try but it takes 2

You're not happy. It doesn't sound like she's happy (from what you've wrote) So why not just leave then?

Am i happy when she gets like this, no not at all, but when shes normal its awesome, magical a dream come true. I have told her if shes not happy then tell me and i will leave cause i want her to be happy also (like most people do) and she says that she is very happy and dosent want anyone else and would die if i left (i get all this after our huge fights ONLY).

then i told her last night that she seems to like to fight and she laughed and said yea i kinda do its fun to argue and piss you off. I said why cause you want to hurt me, and she said no just to see if you care.
I show her i care on a daily basis, i write letters, i tell her i love her, i do things for her, i bend over backwards. What else.

Sorry inquisitive but everyone thats close to us sees HER as the problem, even her family and friends and they say they are suprised i stayed this long, and see how i have changed to make HER happy. I know i have my faults but this problem is 90% her.

[inquisitive]

OK fair enough. If I remember correctly you were both with someone else when you met. Then you moved in together right?

Instead of breaking up over all of these things maybe back up. You didn't really "date". You fell head over heels and rushed into things before you really knew eachother (if my memory is accurate). I know this works sometimes but not often.

That is how me and my SO got together. I met him and within 2 weeks he was living with me. After the first few months the rest of that 1st year was hell. We ended up breaking up for about a month, and then got back together. We both changed in that time period and realized what had happened in the previous year to end up in us breaking up.

So maybe you need a break, and date again, because it sounds like at the end of the day you both do love eachother.

[eightball61]

bdtraders, I find it often you skip over my post :confused: Did I say something wrong? Do you actually relate but choose to ignore the trueth? Can you even handle the trueth? What are you so scared of? Why do you hide from reality?


Can you please answer these questions. My words are trying to get you to see the clear picture here. I am going to be blunt and again I am sorry for that. I won't be soft on my wording because you can't even see the reality when words are being bluntly express to you. I am here to help & if you like me to stop adding info and listening then I will....Just let me know.

[bdtraders]

bdtraders, I find it often you skip over my post :confused: Did I say something wrong?

not at all , i really value your opinion and insights.


Do you actually relate but choose to ignore the trueth? Can you even handle the trueth? What are you so scared of? Why do you hide from reality?

Know i see the truth becuase its the same truth that i would and have givin to my friends in the past. I can totaly handle the truth, and have split up with others with no problem, problem here is i do love her and i know she feels the same, we just are very stubburn people that both are control freaks and when we bump heads we go at each others necks. I need to learn to be secure and she needs to be more open, we both know this and need to take steps to work on it together. What I am scared of is loosing a woman that I love like no other and know i could never replace. Yes the bad times are terrible, but the good times that we have and are possible when we both chill out and take a breath are magical and I have never expereiced that much hapiness with anyone until i met her. So i am scared to loose that, when I know it can get better and i know she wants it to but she struggles with herself. I dont feel that i am hiding from reality, i see the problems and kick myself daily fro putting up with it, but i can pull away and be on my own no problem, i can get another woman no problem, the issues are i love her with all my heart and stupid of me to say i still see a light at times (when im not being an emotional baby) at the end of the line. I know what she feels for me, its in the eyes and her soul, she just needs to learn to express them once again, and yes it could be partly my fault for hurting her at the begining also, she hurt me but i did my fair share as in trying to get back with my ex when she pissed me off one time and then telling her. we both need to learn to trut each other again.



Can you please answer these questions. My words are trying to get you to see the clear picture here. I am going to be blunt and again I am sorry for that. I won't be soft on my wording because you can't even see the reality when words are being bluntly express to you. I am here to help & if you like me to stop adding info and listening then I will....Just let me know.

I expect nothing but being blunt, i HATE when people beet around the bush, i love your input and insight and it does and has had an effect on my standing up to her, i have been able to talk more about how i feel with her, and being here and your advice has helped with that.

She called me just a moment ago while I was typing this all out and was on her way to the doctors to get her pills for depression that she is out of. She apologized and said she can tell that i am very hurt and she is so sorry, she said she wants me so bad in her life and that she wants to try to talk to each other more and not suppress things. I told her i want to also but i cant do it all alone anymore and she agreed. i said i am hurt and scared and no woman has ever hurt me as bad as she has but i am still here because i see hope andmaybe im stupid but i see hope, she said thank you and said she wont let me down just please be patient. Its times like this that me andher connect how i want to, talk converse, etc.

[bdtraders]

OK fair enough. If I remember correctly you were both with someone else when you met. Then you moved in together right?

Correct whe we met i was with my ex and she was with her ex, i moved out and got my own apartment for 3 months. Then we moved in together after that 3 months.

Instead of breaking up over all of these things maybe back up. You didn't really "date". You fell head over heels and rushed into things before you really knew eachother (if my memory is accurate). I know this works sometimes but not often.

Yea and alot of it has to do with communication i feel, we both take everything personal and thats not healthy.

because it sounds like at the end of the day you both do love each other.


Yes we both do, sometimes i get insecure and think maybe she dosent so when we argue i tell her if she wants me gone just tell me your not happy and she says she dosent want me to leave. I would think if she was cheating on me or wanted to be alone she would just say your right i dont want you to live here anymore and seem serious about it.

[eightball61]

problem here is i do love her and i know she feels the same, we just are very stubburn people that both are control freaks and when we bump heads we go at each others necks. .


I really don't know where to go from here. I have expressed all that I can over and over. You still believe in faith and I give you a high five for that but only time will tell what is truelly meant for this relationship.

You mention that you both are in a rough patch but this is one heck of a long patch.....Most peope would have been driven away by now but you don't give up. Its not bad thing you are sticking to the relationship but it is very unhealthy unhealthy to you in many areas.

My goal was to make you think about the future. Of course you won't meet another person like her and thats because there is only one of her but you never know if there may be someone better in other areas like communication that you want from her. A relationship like this "will" have future side affects if you both were to breakup and go into new reationships.

You made a decision and thats to work things out with her. Even though I don't agree, its your decision and I respect it. Its going to take a lot of work for her to change the way you want her to but she will have to accomplish that over time if she does. All this stuff broke loose after both of you cheated and it never has been the same. I truelly believe that the cheating ruined the relationship and you may never get it to the way you want.

I am not trying to purposely down talk your relationship but after all this I see no hope. You are preying for faith to restore this relationship and i am waiting for a miriacle. All I can do now is sit back and watch the developements. If any postive happens I will be there for support but when you come back after these fights I just get fustrated because we can't see eye to eye. I don't want to ruin our friendship that we have over the net so I am going to choose my words lightly now. When these fights happen in the future please feel free to read over your past threads again to remind yourself what you are in.

Again, I support your decision and I do wish you both the best ;)

[SALly]

I would, but I don't really have anything pressing on my mind at the moment. My mind sometimes works in weird ways. Some of my thoughts no one should know lol.
Hahahaha-- most of my thoughts, no one should know either.... :D

[SALly]

What are both of your occupations? What do you guys do at work all day?
Another thing- she can't run out of medication like that. You can't miss doses of those depression pills, no wonder she is moody as hell. There's something nice you could do for her, make sure she doesn't run out again.
It seems like you want her to be like you, a hopeless romantic. But she isn't. Maybe she was more at the beginning- but all relationships are like that. Why can't you accept that. You say you love her, then don't try to change her. Try to figure out what SHE needs and wants in her life to make it better- stop worrying about YOU. I don't communicate well at all. I keeps things inside, I'm shy, nervous to bring things out in the open. And if someone is pressuring me it makes it worse. I would say "F off" at a time like that than try to have a deep conversation. I can relate to her. Does she come home everyday knowing that you want to have that "deep conversation" again. I have 500 things running through my mind everyday. I am so happy to just come home sometimes and know I can just think of NOTHING and relax. I wouldn't want someone trying FIX ME every day.....

[bdtraders]

Yea i tottally see the points about trying to fix things and i do need to step back from that. I really am trying to give her some space yet also remain loving and affectionate so she doent think i am ignoring her, its a fine line with her.
I know she shows affection differently also and i can except that as well, what my issue with the affection is (and maybe its just me and my inseucurities) but she shows others affection no problem , writes her sister nice emails about how much she means to her (they see each other almost daily, and shes in an awesome mood around others and treats them awesome, even her ex husband (todays his birthday and she gave him a hug, but when my grandmother died and my ex gave me a hug she flipped out), its stuff like that boggles my mind. Why can she be happy and joking with others but when its me its like, monotone life.
She got free ticjets to go to an amusment park yesterday and called me all excited and we talked baout going during the week when its less crowded and the kids are in school. Then today her sisters there and she tell her that she got tickets and just her and her sister can go, i didnt say anything i was just like um ok, why make plans with me just to change them. (I dunno maybe i just have to many issues myself, maybe its no big deal.)

[eightball61]

Its going to be tough and you know it....but you want to stay in the relationship so now you have to learn to accept the new her. She will only change for herself when she sees she needs to.

[SALly]

And what are each your occupations?

[bdtraders]

Sorry sally, we are both in retail at differnt companies as managment.

Yea 8ball im gonna try and be a challenge to her and back off, andd see if she still persues me like when i lived alone. Before when she would get moody iw ould say whatever and hang up the phone (when i live alone) and she would eventually start calling cacuse she knew i wasnt going to back down, just seems that since i move d in i got WHIPPED, i need to break that mentality, and realize that if she wants me she can work towards me for a change and if not then im sure there are women out there who want a nice honest, loyal, romantic, good conversationalist guy.

[eightball61]

All we can do is just wait to see what happens. Post back to us anytime and I will try together my thoughts from there.

[bdtraders]

thanks 8ball, shes in the good mood right now, more comunicative and loving, and im on the brink daily of still saying F*** it. In the mean time i am trying to boost the self confindence that I allowed to deteriorate, i dont call her at work 3-5 times a day to say i love you, i call her maybe once if that, she calls me now 2-3 times a day. I am trying the back off approach, i will still show her love and affection, but am limiting how much i open my mouth. I also am trying to go about my own agenda of hapiness and not always trying to put a smile on her face. I will still be sweet and have abig heart, but she has to meet me half way now on, if not.....
its hard, and every day is a struggle but all i can do is take it one step at a time, if its meant to be then it will be if not, i can honestly say i gave it my 100%. I think she also sees that i am actually starting to pull away because of all this, i dunno we shall see if it matters.

[eightball61]

You have a plan so keep to it :) Cut back on trying to be superman. Just be a loving supportive boyfriend that she needs. Her flaws is something that she will need to work out. Its going to be hard as we know but time will tell where this relationship is really heading. I have always believed its better to be happy in a relationship than not but sometimes love just overpowers that. You have a srong love for her and I really respect that. You re a great guy and deep down I am sure she sees that even though it doesn't show. All you can do is try to be there when needed but you can only do so much.

You are afraid that you may never meet someone like her again but please don't allow that to hold you back. There are many other fabulous women out there and you just need to look. Feel tis relationship out as long as you can but if things keep up the way they do then you really need to think about the searc of happiness you need for yourself. If she doesn't change then you willlive a life of this...Did you want to live a life of this if it all continues?

[SALly]

I was just wondering about the occupations because I had a job one time where I was talking to customers, solving their problems, being nice all freaking day-- so by the time I got home I didn't want to talk to ANYONE or make any big decisions. I wondered if that could be her case. She sounds super super stressed to me. (not saying you don't -- you seem very stressed too.)
Maybe you should set a time frame for yourself. Say like in 6 months if you don't see any positive improvement then you will move out....

[eightball61]

Maybe you should set a time frame for yourself. Say like in 6 months if you don't see any positive improvement then you will move out....

Setting a time frame like you mentioned is a great idea. Though I did propose this to him a few times. He just needs to build more self-confidence and start sticking to his word.

If was her job causing the stress then maybe she should seek a different one..........(thats my suggestion of the day:) ) Bdtraders, has she thought about switching jobs or had any talks about it?

[SALly]

I used to be totally stressed out all the time. I would get home and I would start throwing shit, I would tell everyone to leave me alone, I would grab a beer and hope it took all my problems away. I would be so close to tears....I'm not sure why. I was just stressed. Feeling like I had sooo much to do, no time to do it...just overwhelmed. Being a mom is very stressful. Remembering who has what when, who needs this, that, the other thing, and when and how will it all get done. Hubby would say just sit and relax. I'd get pissed and say I don't have time to relax... I couldn't just relax!!! I know you help her and you are doing a great job. I agree with 8ball that her changes need to come from within her. You can't do it for her. I'm just trying to say that her problems don't have anything to do with you, and her love for you. Let's hope she comes around. I eventually realized I was not "living". My son told me I was mean one day and boom-- it hit me. What the heck was I doing. All these things I was doing that I thought would make everyone else happy was pushing everyone away...And I started working really really hard to calm down and just let things go. I didn't need to try to be superwoman. Trying to be superwoman just made me be a psycho, mean B*tch!!!!
Not sure what all my rambling was here!!! :confused:

[bdtraders]

Sally and 8ball, thanks for all the encouragement and "putting up" with my stubburn sometimes idiotic behavior.

Yes she does work in a field where she has to be nice all day long and i was just told yesterday by my ex (she reminded me) that when we were together she would be nicey nice at work and get home and treat me differnt and it wasnt becuase she didnt want to be nice to me, she just felt comfortable and didnt feel as if she had to put up a show or act for me as she did her work people and some friends. So that really coincides with what your saying about when seh talks to me or gets home.

As far as deciding what I want, i do want hapiness with her but your right 100% that she needs to make the changes, yes theres things about me (insecurities and trust issues, the way i analyze everything way to much ) that i want to really get passed that i feel also place a damper on our relationship. Even thought she tells me I am not sometimes I feel as though i get to clingy and dont give her needed space.

I can only do so much and will take it day by day, and if it goes back to being really bad then i will have to call it what it is, the problem is when its good like it is now i feel strong and confident but when we fight i feel like im loosing not only my heart but my best friend, and my emotions get the best of me.

She does look fro a differnt job from time to time, but its difficult for her becuase she makes alot of money for being in the retail field and we cant afford fro her to take a pay cut, she she feels kinda stuck where shes at. I know 100% that if a differnt job that paid the same came up she would leave her current job in a heartbeat.

Sally your story sounds much like her, in the last few weeks I have talked to her, her sister has told her off and her son and her have got into it all about her attitude and moods, so hopefully its made her think. Yesterday we had 4 hours with zero kids and she seemed like she was floating on cloud 9, then they got home and she was taking a nap so i took them out shopping and for ice cream, when we got home she was up and was in a good mood, slowly i could feel the tension building up in her with the kids.

Im trying to learn to give her her space, and speak my mind but in a more humorous instead of a confrontational way. I also have tried to take charge of more things around the house as well as her and my personal life, (lets just say i picked her up in my arms and carried her to bed, she didnt resist in the least, had a big grin actually, i love to see her smile)

I am still doing sweet things, like i will leave a note saying i was thinking of her or kisses, etc. But i am trying to not be so clingy, and give her space.

Thanks for the help guys, i know she has her issues she has to resolve, (to much on her plate, yet she just quit one of the huge things that takes up to much of her time...i was shocked yes she said she was so happy she did, like a weight lifted) but i also know i have my issues,

trust
insecurities
clingy

I do write sometimes, not daily, to get things of my chest so thanks so much 8ball for that idea, it does really help.

If you guys have any more suggestions of way sto slowly cure MY issues ( i know it wont happen overnight) please im all ears and i love your insights and suggestions.

I keep thinking about getting xbox live to play with my buddies form out of town cause they play it sometimes, but she thinks its a stupid thing so i have yet to get it, guess havent wanted to cause waves.

thanks guys i look forward to talking more to you

[eightball61]

I can only do so much and will take it day by day,


This is what I been trying to get you to understand. You have your own problems that you need to work out for you and this relationship. She has her own issues that she will need to work out for herself and the relationship. Once you both have worked on personal issues then you need to work on working together as a couple.

You can't go around fixing problems like you have been when you can't even fix yours. You are your own person and you should come first always. She is important to you but you should never put yourself before anyone else unless you can't fix your own problems and need help.

She has to realize for herself on whats going on for a change. SALly pointed out how her child made her realize the mom she was and then she wanted to change that. Your GF will need to have rality hit her at the perfect timing. I can't say how long it may be but hopefully the reality of the pain she is causing does hit her. What I don't understand is that she see and here's the pain she is causing but yet no reality has struck her :confused:

[bdtraders]

What I don't understand is that she see and here's the pain she is causing but yet no reality has struck her :confused:

Yea she has made comments that is not as bad as everyone is trying to make it out to be, in the reality it is.

But i yes have to take it day by day (stubburn me, you can tell me a 100 times but until i accept it, i wont listen) so thats what i have to do.

I know i have changed to being a better person, more understanding and loving because of her now i got to work on the 3 things i have mentioned before.

I do love to read so if anyone has read any good self help books about boosting self esteem and my other issues please let me know.

Holy Shit is the sun out, what a beautiful life

[eightball61]

I do love to read so if anyone has read any good self help books about boosting self esteem and my other issues please let me know.




I am not much of a reader so I don't know many good books. Rich may be able to guide you here better than I could......Reading books is not always the solutions to these kind of answers. The answers come from the reality of learning about them first hand. Its a worth a start though to making things better for you.

[bdtraders]

Its weird i went home for lunch right now and it seems the more i am more confident and do what "I" want she is more fun and loving and respectful, i guess caus ei show more confidence.
She cant stand anything Star Wars related, but i went home and was watching the newest trailer for the Sith movie and she stood there and said "you know i cant stand that movie" i laughed and said its ok you dont have to i can take the kids that wanna go myself, it looks real good." She then sat on my lap and watched it with me. When it was over she said "hmmm well maybe", i just smiled and said "i wont miss it".
She seems to like me more with confidence and my own brain,,,lol go figure.....(sarasticly)

[eightball61]

These things seem minor but can be a big step into changing things. I am not going to hold my breath yet because I have seen her act differently and cute like this before. Lets just keep high hopes though and prey for a positive change within time.

[inquisitive]

Hey women love a confident man! (hey she's calling you at work now right?) Sounds like things are better :) You guys both love eachother, so if you each make the changes that benefits the other all the better!!

[bdtraders]

Hey women love a confident man! (hey she's calling you at work now right?) Sounds like things are better :) You guys both love eachother, so if you each make the changes that benefits the other all the better!!


Yea day by day, like 8ball says we have seen this small change before then it reverts back to how it was, we shall see. Time will tell, in the mean time im gonna work on my issues and start enjoying myself and my life. ALL ABOARD................

[bdtraders]

argghh if its not one thing its another, i just need to find strength and tell her to kiss my ass

[eightball61]

i just need to find strength and tell her to kiss my ass


You just did find that strengh...Now do you see my point???

[bdtraders]

I see your point on how i need to get out of there, but i still need to find the strength to walk away from her and not to mention the kids that i love as if they were my own.

[eightball61]

People don't like change and neither do you. Thats why its so hard to leave. This is not going to change and you know that. Only YOU can make the move to go on....but a good start would be packing your shit and going. You love the kids but the main reason why you are thier doesn't show the love and respect to you. It would be foolish if you wasted your life staying thier because you will miss the kids....The kids will always be there when you are out so remember that.

[SALly]

I don't know. Maybe that's not the strengh you need to find. Not the strength to walk away...maybe you need a different kind of strength, the strength to stay and try a little longer. The strength to listen to your heart and not everyone else. 8ball and Rich think you need to walk away.... I don't think so. Not yet!

[SALly]

People don't like change and neither do you. Thats why its so hard to leave. This is not going to change and you know that. Only YOU can make the move to go on....but a good start would be packing your shit and going. You love the kids but the main reason why you are thier doesn't show the love and respect to you. It would be foolish if you wasted your life staying thier because you will miss the kids....The kids will always be there when you are out so remember that.
8ball- here we go with this whole thing again. And I'm not saying this meanly--- but you have no kids. So you have no idea what it feels like. You think you know, and you do a good job at knowing lots of things, but there is a lot you don't know also. You haven't been in a relationship for a long long time like ten years of more and you don't have any kids. You have no idea the effects these things have on people. Things just aren't as easy as you say.

[eightball61]

I am sorry but I don't agree the fact in staying with someone because you are not happy. Its not fair to the other person and most certainly not fair to you as a person. Kids are great and lovable but they will always be there. Children sense and know when something is up and when they learn about life they are more happier to know thier parents didn't stick together unhappy...That I do know first hand and witnessed as a child.

[SALly]

OK. So did your parents stay together or get divorced while you were young?

[bdtraders]

Heres what happened yesterday, (is it just me?)

I got off work and went home and she was sleeping on the couch (all she does is sleep when she can, shes always tired), so i went and joked around with the kids and checked my email. Me and the kids went in the bedroom and we discussed mothers day activities and presents since she was sleeping and it gave us a chance to do it.
I woke her up at 6pm cause we had to leave for a church concert, she said 5 more minutes and went back to sleep. I got the kids in the truck and got the house closed up and then she came out and we left.
As we drove to get her coffee i was quiet and so was she. She then looked over at me and asked what my problem was. I said nothing, why do you think i have a problem? She said cause i was quiet,i said no one was talking and she had just woke up so i was letting her wake up. She said whatever and lit a ciggarete and stared out the window. We stopped to get her coffee and her daughter ran in to get it. Her yougest son was covering his nose in the back so i said "hey buddie whats wrong", she turned to me and said loudly im smoking ( i didnt realize she was answering for him) i said no i was talking to him and she said yea thats the answer stupidand turned and looked out the window. I asked what her problem was and she said "stupid questions".
We drove to the church and i tryed holding a conversation with her but she never answered and stared out the window. We got there and her church good mood appeared and she laughed and joked with friends and her sister. We sat there and she ignored my like i had the plague, her daughter was sitting next to me and ask me why was mom mad at me now, i said she wasnt and she said then why is she ignoring you, i said she was just talking to her friends and its no biggie.
We got home and the kids went to bed and she made a comment about the kitchen trash how the kids never take it out, i said i would do it and i took it out.
I responded to emails and she made some tuna for sandwichs, i walked over to her and she asked if i could take the tuna cans out to the trash so they wouldnt smell, i said sure and took them out, plus other trash that was sitting on the counter. I walked back in and signe doff the computer and she asked if i wanted a sandwich i said sure she said ok the stuffs on the counter, i joked oh couldnt just make me one, and she replyed "do i look like your ", i said no you looked like my fiance and thought you would just make me one out of kindness. I made my sandwhich and went to sit down across from her to eat it at the table, about 10 seconds after i sat down she said she wondered what CSI was about and got up with her food and went to the living room. I ate a few more bites then went out to the living room. I finished my sandwhich and threw away both our trash and when i retured i figured i would sit by her like we always do when we watch tv at night. I sat next to her and she got up and walked away. she was gone for about 5 minutes then she came back in and stood there. I asked if she was gonna watch tv and she said no she was tired. She went and locked herself in the bathroom like she does for an hour every night. I went and took my shower and when i got out she was in the bedroom , i asked if she was gonna shower and she said yea, dont i always smart guy, and i said no not always, sometime you wait till the morning. She said you got an answer for everything and walked by me. I asked her why was she actng this way and she said acting what way, i said crabby towards me, she laughed and said money. I said ok i know we are short on funds right now but it will be ok, didnt i fix it before when she had money issues, she said shes tired of hearing me say everything will be ok and i need a reality check. I laughed, i said what can i do to make her feel better. She didnt say anything,i said i will do whatever it takes so our family has more money. She said what are you gonna do smart guy sell a kidney (she was acting and sounding mad so i figured i would cheer her up and make her laugh) i told her i would turn tricks on the corner, i could possibly get at least a dollar for a good nights work, she said she knew she was better at then that and could make 1000s so she would do it. (she was all pissy when she said it). I told her i was trying to make her smile and she said i was being a dumbass. I asked what more can i do for her, and she said i kno you take my kids to school and you help around the house and you give me your money but all that still dosent pay the bills. I said ok what more can i do, she said nothing, i just have to sell my house and find a place for me and my kids to live. I was like you mean all of us right, and she said me and my kids. i said oh were not family anymore (she used to get mad when i would say her kids and not our kids). and she didnt respond. I told her that i feel like a failure at times caus ei cant support her in a fashion she is accustomed to , i told her that i feel like im letting her and the kids down, she remained silent.
I told her we were in this together and thats why couples lean on each other, they dont try to solve problems themselves they work as a team, she was silent. I said every time the going gets tough you go solo and there is no team, i told her with that mentality of being alone she will end up being alone cause she will push everyone away, she got mad and toldme dont threaten her.
I asked why was she so angry and mad and she said she wasnt she was fine, I was the one with the moody attitude.
She went in the bathroom and locked the door, i went to bed.
she came to bed and didnt touch me (normally when not mad curls up close to me). I asked if she was gonna get closer and she said NOPE.

She got up at 530am and woke me up and told me to go give ou dog his medicine, i asked why cant you do it , it takes 1 minute, she said cause its your dog. I got up and gave the dog his medicne and went back to sleep. She woke me up at 6 and told me to go feed the dog. She kissed me on the forhead and left for work.
I took the kids to school and when i got home i called her, he boss answered the phone. (note she calls her boss from home and her cell when shes off like 2-3 times a day to "talk". why cant she just talk to him when they are at work, seems weird to me that they see each other every day and still need to talk outside of work.) he said hi cause he knows me and said she was in the bathroom and would tell her i called. I hung up and 30 seconds later she called back. I told her the kids got off ok to school ( i always call and let her know) and she said thank you. Silence........................................... .....................................I asked what she was up to and she said sitting in the vault room, i said why was she in there and she said so she could have a private conversation with me cause her boss was in the office. I said oh what did you want to tell me in private, she said nothing....silence.............she wasnt very talkative. I said she seemed very quiet and she said yup. I said ok well i will let you go and she said ok bye and hung up. ( I just find all that funny that she had to be in private to not talk to me, plus everytime she chats with her boss shes lauging and joking but with me she wont talk to me. I feel as if she would rather call him and talk to him when we are driving somewhere then talk to me, then she questions why i wont talk to her.)

[bdtraders]

People don't like change and neither do you. Thats why its so hard to leave. This is not going to change and you know that. Only YOU can make the move to go on....but a good start would be packing your shit and going. You love the kids but the main reason why you are thier doesn't show the love and respect to you. It would be foolish if you wasted your life staying thier because you will miss the kids....The kids will always be there when you are out so remember that.


Very true, just hard cause if i moved it would be an 1.5 hour commute to work, i cant afford to live down here alone.

[bdtraders]

I don't know. Maybe that's not the strengh you need to find. Not the strength to walk away...maybe you need a different kind of strength, the strength to stay and try a little longer. The strength to listen to your heart and not everyone else. 8ball and Rich think you need to walk away.... I don't think so. Not yet!


BUt how much longer should i see, and take this abuse, i cry cause i feel like shit and she dont care.

what more can i do sally? honestly? have you read all my other posts , its been a year.

FYI they are not my kids but i love them like my own.

[eightball61]

My dad lied for a while about his where abouts & come to find out he was cheating. My mom through him out the house that second with no explanation. For months being apart they decided to work on things. They start going to counseling to see what was missing. I never went to those sessions nor ask what happened.

My point is they did stay together and they worked out what was lost. They didn't stay together just for us......... I remember those days of my pregnant mom crying and it was terrible. I still feel the effects today....... :( Staying in a relationship unhappy and making kids suffer through the pain, arguement, grief, ect is not fair to them. This is my view and I stck behind 100%...

You are right and I don't have kids but if I was to stay in a marriage because of kids then I would still be respectful not look elsewhere. A choice has to be made either to stay or not to stay. If you stay then you have to make that commitment but if you want to wander off to see whats out there then its best to move on because I see more harm being done than good. I think I rather have my children be sad at mommy and daddy getting a divorce rather than hearing daddy cheated on mommy.

The case here is that these are not his children. They are like his children but thats all.....

[bdtraders]

You are right and I don't have kids but if I was to stay in a marriage because of kids then I would still be respectful not not look elsewhere. A choice has to be mad either to stay or not to stay. If you stay then you have to make that committment but if you want to wander off to see whats out there then its best to move on because I see more harm being done than good. I think I rather my children be sad at first mom and dad got a divorce rather than hearing daddy cheated on mommy.

The case here these are not his children and they are hers. They are like his children but thats all.....

Note I have not cheated on her through all this, nor have i wanted to , I trully love her to much.

[eightball61]

Note I have not cheated on her through all this, nor have i wanted to , I trully love her to much.

Yes, I do know that...I was just explaining my thoughts and experience to SALly.

Thanks for confirming that. ;)

[inquisitive]

BUt how much longer should i see, and take this abuse, i cry cause i feel like shit and she dont care.

what more can i do sally? honestly? have you read all my other posts , its been a year.

FYI they are not my kids but i love them like my own.

I don't see any "abuse" there. I see a bad day. A stressful day where her stresses were taken out on you - not right of course. You're also asking what's wrong a few more times over the course of this day and a half. It's almost like she's not allowed to have a bad day - ever. When I'm having a bad day my SO annoys the hell out of me. Cause he won't just let me have a bad day. He's learning to just let me have my session, and not ask me 300 hundred questions, or tell me how to "fix" it. But, you know it would be so much better if she would post here too. Then we could get her side too.

But if you're that unhappy you really do need to leave. It's not healthy to be in that state all the time!

[SALly]

BUt how much longer should i see, and take this abuse, i cry cause i feel like shit and she dont care.

what more can i do sally? honestly? have you read all my other posts , its been a year.

FYI they are not my kids but i love them like my own.
There's nothing else you can do. Leave, that's about all that's left. I've read your posts. You say you love her and don't really want to have to leave. apparently she really is just that much of a B, so get out now while you can. Obviously she isnt' even thinking of you in her future so get out!!! what does she do in the bathroom for hours? Does she do drugs?

[SALly]

My dad lied for a while about his where about. Come to find out he was cheating. My mom through him out the house that second with no explanation. For months being apart they decided to work on things. They start going to counseling to see what was missing. I never went to those sessions nor ask what happened. They are together today and love each other very much.

My point is they stayed together to work out the problem. They didn't stay together just for us because they would have been very unhappy. I remember those days of my pregnant mom crying and it was terrible. I still feel the effects today....... :( Staying in a relationship unhappy and making the kids suffer through the pain, arguement, grief, ect is not fair to them. This is my view and I stck behind 100%...

You are right and I don't have kids but if I was to stay in a marriage because of kids then I would still be respectful not not look elsewhere. A choice has to be mad either to stay or not to stay. If you stay then you have to make that committment but if you want to wander off to see whats out there then its best to move on because I see more harm being done than good. I think I rather my children be sad at first mom and dad got a divorce rather than hearing daddy cheated on mommy.

The case here these are not his children and they are hers. They are like his children but thats all.....
Honestly I don't care whose kids they are... he is the father figure in their life right now and he loves them. It doesn't matter that they aren't his.

[SALly]

I don't see any "abuse" there. I see a bad day. A stressful day where her stresses were taken out on you - not right of course. You're also asking what's wrong a few more times over the course of this day and a half. It's almost like she's not allowed to have a bad day - ever. When I'm having a bad day my SO annoys the hell out of me. Cause he won't just let me have a bad day. He's learning to just let me have my session, and not ask me 300 hundred questions, or tell me how to "fix" it. But, you know it would be so much better if she would post here too. Then we could get her side too.

But if you're that unhappy you really do need to leave. It's not healthy to be in that state all the time!
Hey inquisitive--- I would have agreed with what you said this whole time--- that has been my view too- -but this last email- WOW. That lady is really over the top... I think he just needs to get out.

[bdtraders]

Yes, I do know that...I was just explaining my thoughts and experience to SALly.

Thanks for confirming that. ;)


I know 8ball i was just confirming fro everyone that if i was to persue other avenues i would walk away from her first.

[bdtraders]

Obviously she isnt' even thinking of you in her future so get out!!! what does she do in the bathroom for hours? Does she do drugs?

funning this is though she is always talking about us getting married and out buying things for it, so she is looking towards the future.

No she dosent do drugs she normally sits in the bathroom and reads books, its her quiet zone if you cna call it that.

[eightball61]

Honestly I don't care whose kids they are... he is the father figure in their life right now and he loves them. It doesn't matter that they aren't his.


It all boils down to the person envolved. If you want to stay because of children then fine thats your opinion. If you rather stay and be unhappy then again it your choice. My choice would be to leave because I will still be a parent to my children after the divorce. As my life I rather choose self happiness and still care for the other that care for me even after a seperation.

[SALly]

But she said she needs a place for her and the kids and not you.??????
You know- stressing about money is MAJOR. That could be the whole cause of her being a total B. Believe me i know all about that. Money troubles have literally made me feel physically ill before.

[SALly]

It all boils down to the person envolved. If you want to stay because of children then fine thats your opinion. If you rather stay and be unhappy then again it your choice. My choice would be to leave because I will still be a parent to my children after the divorce. As my life I rather choose self happiness and still care for the other that care for me even after a seperation.
this isnt' about me. And I'm not staying "because of my kids" anymore.

[bdtraders]

But she said she needs a place for her and the kids and not you.??????
You know- stressing about money is MAJOR. That could be the whole cause of her being a total B. Believe me i know all about that. Money troubles have literally made me feel physically ill before.


She just said her and the kids, i questioned her about me and she said her and the kids. She didnt mention me either way, i coud be reading into it i dunno.

Yea but she brings the money troubles on herself, i was the one that got her a loan to save her house before, then she spent that money foolishly,now shes falling into debt again. I missed my own truck payment to give her money to pay bills and my truck place called last night and that pissed her off, she said i was stupid for missing a payment, i said its because she needed the money for bills and i told them i would double the payments next payday.
Problem is she buys new cloths and shoes like theres no tommorow.

[SALly]

She just said her and the kids, i questioned her about me and she said her and the kids. She didnt mention me either way, i coud be reading into it i dunno.

Yea but she brings the money troubles on herself, i was the one that got her a loan to save her house before, then she spent that money foolishly,now shes falling into debt again. I missed my own truck payment to give her money to pay bills and my truck place called last night and that pissed her off, she said i was stupid for missing a payment, i said its because she needed the money for bills and i told them i would double the payments next payday.
Problem is she buys new cloths and shoes like theres no tommorow.
You need to get out then. Don't let the situation end up screwing your credit and your life too. Let her hit rock bottom. I think that's the only way! You being helpful, isn't helping!!!

[bdtraders]

this isnt' about me. And I'm not staying "because of my kids" anymore.


also the kids arnt really an issue to me for leaving also, yes i love them like my own, but i would also leave, ( my own son i left his mom and i am still an awesome dad to him and he knows that).

I wish i honestly knew why i stay, love? i dunno, like i have said i have left for alot less before, i dont know why im so trapped with her and i dont have the nerve to leave, i wish i had the answers, i honetly really wish i did

[SALly]

also the kids arnt really an issue to me for leaving also, yes i love them like my own, but i would also leave, ( my own son i left his mom and i am still an awesome dad to him and he knows that).

I wish i honestly knew why i stay, love? i dunno, like i have said i have left for alot less before, i dont know why im so trapped with her and i dont have the nerve to leave, i wish i had the answers, i honetly really wish i did
And I wish we could help you...

[eightball61]

And I wish we could help you...


ditto......... :(

All I can say left is stop making excuses for leaving and just go if you are this unhappy. Its the right choice to make in my view. You are holding onto hope and its proven there is no hope there. My opinion would differ if she was trying but she's not....

[bdtraders]

the worst part is i feel like a broken record and i feel like i am a lost cause. I feel as if i am wasting all your time with my stupid ass.
Its just one of those things where I wish i would just poof and dissapear. I come to work (retail) and hope that someone would come and rob the store so that i could be brave and get gunned down for a cause and leave her to think about what she lost.
I have no fear and have lived most of my life without fear, but my biggest fear is for some reason making a bad choice in my life and loosing her when my dilluted fantsies tell me that it can be awesome.
I just want to fade into the night and the shadows, and if it wasnt for my biological son, i would do that. But i could not do that to him, he is my world, and i get to go get him tonight for the weekend, he so awesome, such a good boy and will be a great man. To bad his dads just a schmuck.

[SALly]

the worst part is i feel like a broken record and i feel like i am a lost cause. I feel as if i am wasting all your time with my stupid ass.
Its just one of those things where I wish i would just poof and dissapear. I come to work (retail) and hope that someone would come and rob the store so that i could be brave and get gunned down for a cause and leave her to think about what she lost.
I have no fear and have lived most of my life without fear, but my biggest fear is for some reason making a bad choice in my life and loosing her when my dilluted fantsies tell me that it can be awesome.
I just want to fade into the night and the shadows, and if it wasnt for my biological son, i would do that. But i could not do that to him, he is my world, and i get to go get him tonight for the weekend, he so awesome, such a good boy and will be a great man. To bad his dads just a schmuck.
Well I'm sure your son will brighten your spirits for the weekend! You aren't wasting our time either. We want to talk to you.

[eightball61]

I have no fear and have lived most of my life without fear, but my biggest fear is for some reason making a bad choice in my life and loosing her when my dilluted fantsies tell me that it can be awesome.
.


Thats where your problem is...You need to stop fearing and do something for yourself for once.

[bdtraders]

Well I'm sure your son will brighten your spirits for the weekend! You aren't wasting our time either. We want to talk to you.

hes an awesome kid

thank you so much, i just feel so low.

[bdtraders]

Thats where your problem is...You need to stop fearing and do something for yourself for once.


I know i really wish i had the strength to do that, i really really wish i could. :(

[eightball61]

Its your only hope or you will be just stuck like you are now......If you had the strengh to get in the relationship then you have the strengh to get out.

[bdtraders]

......If you had the strengh to get in the relationship then you have the strengh to get out.


very true,

question should i just wait to do it till next weekend when the kids are at their dads, that way they dont have to go through the pain of watching me pack and leave, they can just come home andi will tell them that i ove them but i had to leave. Or should i just leave with them there.

[inquisitive]

Hey inquisitive--- I would have agreed with what you said this whole time--- that has been my view too- -but this last email- WOW. That lady is really over the top... I think he just needs to get out.

I agree. If it's that bad he should leave. It's just that he hasn't so I'm trying to see if there is possibly something we're not hearing. That's why I think it'd beneficial to hear her side, but I don't think that's an option.

[SALly]

Good question. Probably best for them not to see ( and you to not have to deal with any attitude), but you dont' want them coming back and just feeling like you abandoned them either. Tell them ahead of time.

[eightball61]

very true,

question should i just wait to do it till next weekend when the kids are at their dads, that way they dont have to go through the pain of watching me pack and leave, they can just come home andi will tell them that i ove them but i had to leave. Or should i just leave with them there.


Let me ask you this before you do it...

Do you feel pressured to breakup with her?

[inquisitive]

very true,

question should i just wait to do it till next weekend when the kids are at their dads, that way they dont have to go through the pain of watching me pack and leave, they can just come home andi will tell them that i ove them but i had to leave. Or should i just leave with them there.

I agree with Sally. tell them ahead of time.

[SALly]

I have an idea, well someone else mentioned it, about getting her view. What if you printed all this out for her and asked her to read it. Or what if you pulled it up at home and asked her to read this thread. What would it hurt? You are planning to leave anyway. Maybe you would see something, or get some other view from her as to what is wrong.

[SALly]

Let me ask you this before you do it...

Do you feel pressured to breakup with her?
Pressured by??????

[bdtraders]

Good question. Probably best for them not to see ( and you to not have to deal with any attitude), but you dont' want them coming back and just feeling like you abandoned them either. Tell them ahead of time.


Im not sure if i would tell them ahead of time, but i would do 1 of 2 things, i would 1. either be there when their dad dropped them off Sunday evening and talk to them and tell them im always here for them, or 2. stop by thier dads (me and him get along great) and talk to them.

I agree. If it's that bad he should leave. It's just that he hasn't so I'm trying to see if there is possibly something we're not hearing. That's why I think it'd beneficial to hear her side, but I don't think that's an option.

The reason why i havent left is im in love with her and scare dof giving up. Her side of it is simple, she dosent see any problems. I just take everything personal.

Let me ask you this before you do it...

Do you feel pressured to breakup with her?

Pressure, no not at all. I feel no pressure about staying with her or breaking up. Sometimes i feel (but it might be my own brain working overtime) that maybe she does this so that I will be the bad person and she can claim "see he deserted poor lil ol me and the kids" But No i feel no pressure from anywhere to leave. I know its all my own choice.

[bdtraders]

I have an idea, well someone else mentioned it, about getting her view. What if you printed all this out for her and asked her to read it. Or what if you pulled it up at home and asked her to read this thread. What would it hurt? You are planning to leave anyway. Maybe you would see something, or get some other view from her as to what is wrong.

because she is very high on PRIDE, she thinks it is no ones business to "air dirty laundry" or to ask for help from others. I also feel if there was any chance what so ever that me leaving would joggle her brain into realziing that she is loosing her closest loves ones would be shattered by her reading all this. Pride is a huge issue to her, she wouldnt tell our pastor we needed help, i had to go to him alone to ask for help and guidance when she was about to loose her house. her pride is huge!!

[SALly]

Im not sure if i would tell them ahead of time, but i would do 1 of 2 things, i would 1. either be there when their dad dropped them off Sunday evening and talk to them and tell them im always here for them, or 2. stop by thier dads (me and him get along great) and talk to them.

.
Those are both good ideas.

[eightball61]

Pressured by??????


By the fact we are all tell him to leave. Sure its the right decision but I want him to do this on his own...I don't want him to do it for us.

[bdtraders]

I on the other hand am all about communication, I have no skeletons in my closet, and will answer any and all questions no matter how personal or revealing about myself. My pride went out the window along time ago when i realized there was more to life then vanity and pride.

[bdtraders]

By the fact we are all tell him to leave. Sure its the right decision but I want him to do this on his own...I don't want him to do it for us.


no i take all your great advice to heart, but i still am my own person and i still make my own decisions, even though they may not be the best and cause me more hurt. Hence me staying with her so long, im very stubborn (like you couldnt tell) but i also keep an open ear and listen and value everyones points and opinions, cause god knows my opinions are not always valid ones.

but NO when i do leave be it next weekend, today, tomorrow or a months from now it will be when I have decided that it was time to go.

I just feel blessed that when and if that time comes I have a great group of friends here to lean against and listen to my sobs, and also to kick me in the when I need it.

:D

[SALly]

because she is very high on PRIDE, she thinks it is no ones business to "air dirty laundry" or to ask for help from others. I also feel if there was any chance what so ever that me leaving would joggle her brain into realziing that she is loosing her closest loves ones would be shattered by her reading all this. Pride is a huge issue to her, she wouldnt tell our pastor we needed help, i had to go to him alone to ask for help and guidance when she was about to loose her house. her pride is huge!!
Well that explains why she acts like everything is fine and laughs, etc. when with other people, but then changes when she gets home.

[bdtraders]

Well that explains why she acts like everything is fine and laughs, etc. when with other people, but then changes when she gets home.


OMG you know i have heard that from others and form you that she acts one way in fornt of others caus eits a front then shows her real self to me, but i have NEVER associated to her pride. See thats what i love about this, it opens my eyes.

I know i cant change her pride issue, but maybe it will give me a better understanding to that aspect of her differnt attitudes (friends and me)

Now if i can manage the meanness she acts towards me and her kids.

[bdtraders]

LOL note I just talked to her, and she was happy and laughing and was all loveing on the phone. She was at work with people around so maybe it was that pride thing, or maybe her switch was flipped from bad to good. lol i dont get it.

[inquisitive]

OMG you know i have heard that from others and form you that she acts one way in fornt of others caus eits a front then shows her real self to me, but i have NEVER associated to her pride. See thats what i love about this, it opens my eyes.

I know i cant change her pride issue, but maybe it will give me a better understanding to that aspect of her differnt attitudes (friends and me)

Now if i can manage the meanness she acts towards me and her kids.

But you shouldn't have to deal with her meanness. Pride is good. Too much is not. At this point what do you have to lose by showing her this thread? It's not as if we know who you are, where you live, anything like that. So really to us it could be anybody's "dirty laundry" right? It may put things into perspective for her.

[bdtraders]

But you shouldn't have to deal with her meanness. Pride is good. Too much is not. At this point what do you have to lose by showing her this thread? It's not as if we know who you are, where you live, anything like that. So really to us it could be anybody's "dirty laundry" right? It may put things into perspective for her.


I will give it thought, but knowing her the way that I do, showing her all this would be the point of no return with her. It would definatly be over, if i was to do it, i might leave it for her in a booklet when i moved out. With instructions of how to get on here and post anything herself.

[SALly]

OMG you know i have heard that from others and form you that she acts one way in fornt of others caus eits a front then shows her real self to me, but i have NEVER associated to her pride. See thats what i love about this, it opens my eyes.

I know i cant change her pride issue, but maybe it will give me a better understanding to that aspect of her differnt attitudes (friends and me)

Now if i can manage the meanness she acts towards me and her kids.
SOOOOOOO- you aren't leaving??? :confused: Or you are??? Or you don't really know yet :confused: :confused:

[SALly]

I will give it thought, but knowing her the way that I do, showing her all this would be the point of no return with her. It would definatly be over, if i was to do it, i might leave it for her in a booklet when i moved out. With instructions of how to get on here and post anything herself.
Maybe that is the "out" you need!!!!

[bdtraders]

SOOOOOOO- you aren't leaving??? :confused: Or you are??? Or you don't really know yet :confused: :confused:



Right now Im trying to gain strength to actaully get out next weekend, in the mean time i will just avoid her.

Just hurts so bad cause I love her so much, i want to give a woman my all and get it back in return, i have so much to give i just want a good woman to share it with me.

[eightball61]

Either decision will bring pain to you. If you stay then you have to tollerate the big bad wolf. If you leave you will suffer in missing her. I will say though if you leave it won't be the end of the world and you will get out of that rut but if you stay then you are stuck.........

[inquisitive]

So if you're trying for next weekend why not let her see the thread and get her viewpoint thoughts out there if she's willing? Consider it your last ditch effort to get her to see what you're feeling. If you're planning on leaving on the weekend anyways then there really is nothing left to lose.

[bdtraders]

Either decision will bring pain to you. If you stay then you have to tollerate the big bad wolf. If you leave you will suffer in missing her. I will say though if you leave it won't be the end of the world and you will get out of that rut but if you stay then you are stuck.........


your right i just so much want a "normal" life and relationship. I feel as though since i cheated this is my punishment.

So if you're trying for next weekend why not let her see the thread and get her viewpoint thoughts out there if she's willing? Consider it your last ditch effort to get her to see what you're feeling. If you're planning on leaving on the weekend anyways then there really is nothing left to lose.

True, maybe after the weekend, after my son goes home on Sunday.

I have allot to think about, got such a headache, stomach ache, heart ache

[eightball61]

your right i just so much want a "normal" life and relationship. I feel as though since i cheated this is my punishment.






She cheated also.....its not your fault. You want a normal relationship and I like you to define normal :confused: What you are trying to seek is to be happy and you know you wont get that in this relationship.

[bdtraders]

She cheated also.....its not your fault. You want a normal relationship and I like you to define normal :confused: What you are trying to seek is to be happy and you know you wont get that in this relationship.

Normal to me is a relationship where a man and woman share their lives together but also spend time apart. Where they are able to confide and have good conversation with each other. Where when they are having a bad day they can turn to their partner for support. Yes there will be bad times and fights, but you will grow even closer from those fights and those reasons for fights wont happen again or not that often. They will learn from their mistakes.

And good hot blooded ...lol

[eightball61]

Normal to me is a relationship where a man and woman share their lives together but also spend time apart. Where they are able to confide and have good conversation with each other. Where when they are having a bad day they can turn to their partner for support. Yes there will be bad times and fights, but you will grow even closer from those fights and those reasons for fights wont happen again or not that often. They will learn from their mistakes.

And good hot blooded ...lol


Is "normal" (as defined in your terms) in your relationship?

[bdtraders]

Is "normal" (as defined in your terms) in your relationship?


used to be, and at times yes, other times no, it relly flutuates

Its either really good, or really bad, no common ground

but the is always good, she always opens and expresses her true feelings when we are having , dunno why

[SALly]

used to be, and at times yes, other times no, it relly flutuates

Its either really good, or really bad, no common ground

but the is always good, she always opens and expresses her true feelings when we are having , dunno why
maybe you two better have constant !!!! :D

[bdtraders]

maybe you two better have constant !!!! :D


lol dont we all wish as men that we could, me and her used to , no its down to once or twice a week, when shes not tired, which is every moment.


I just reread this entire post, god im f***ing pathetic, why do i put up with this BS.

Yes i love her with all my heart and dont want to feel like i am giving up or abandoning her, then when i move out im scared she will try to get me back and change for a bit, then when i go back it will slowly creep back again to how it is.

Why cant she just pull her head out of her ass and realize she is loosing a good thing, unless im not that good thing to her anymore and something else is.

[eightball61]

but the is always good, she always opens and expresses her true feelings when we are having , dunno why


So whats making you hold on? Is it the 23 hours a day you both fight or is in that one hour you both have ?

[inquisitive]

used to be, and at times yes, other times no, it relly flutuates

Its either really good, or really bad, no common ground

but the is always good, she always opens and expresses her true feelings when we are having , dunno why

Probably because she loves you, and feels comfortable enough to open up to you in such a vulnerable way. Why she is unable to in other aspects of your life.... who knows.

[bdtraders]

So whats making you hold on? Is it the 23 hours a day you both fight or is in that one hour you both have ?


i dont know what keeps me hanging on, i have never held on before like this, hell i broke up with a GF of 6 months before and kicked her out cause she didnt take out the trash..lol stupid huh

That question is a mystery to me as well and i cant answer it, i wish i could, im curious why i put up with all this.

I know i could be happier
I know i could find a better woman
I know I am a great catch
I know I could make it alone

but why do i stay? I wish I knew.

[bdtraders]

Probably because she loves you, and feels comfortable enough to open up to you in such a vulnerable way. Why she is unable to in other aspects of your life.... who knows.


yea the true beauty and passion that we had on a normal basis is brought out during now, she will tell me all her fears and feelings when we are holding each other afterwards.

its beautiful, and i know that she trully loves me, she just has a hard time dealing with it and showing it

[eightball61]

but why do i stay? I wish I knew.


I wish I knew also :confused:

It all boils down for you to make the decision that you will be happy with, but remember that only you can make that decision......

[bdtraders]

I wish I knew also :confused:

It all boils down for you to make the decision that you will be happy with, but remember that only you can make that decision......


you problem is i see the potential that is there, she called right now and i was on the phone with my trucks loan company so i didnt answer my work phone or cell phone, i called her back and she was like "who were you on the phone with" in the attitude that i can only talk to her, i just avoided the question and said whats up, she asked how the dog was since i went home for lunch, she said ok, i said im going to get my son after work and she was like "alone?" i said oh did you want to go and she was like yea thats what we normaly do, i said ok , then we hung up.

any balanaced women out there please call me 555-5555...lol

So how are you and your SO doing 8ball

[bdtraders]

My SO is using my old cell phone (wasnt activated) as her cell now, (hers broke).

I had all my contacts on there so from time to time i check my contacts on there for a number. Today when I went home she had left her phone there so I wanted to jot down all my numbers and put them in my new address book in my wallet. When I was going through the contacts there was a number i had never seen under the name HAPPY. I had a buddy of mine find out who the owner of the number was and it came back with a guys name I had never heard before. My SO has never mentioned him to me, and he wasnt in the phone about a month ago.

Should I be worried about this secret new "HAPPY" male friend?

Or should i play it off in front of her sometime like im looking for a number and ask whos this and show her happy and see what she says?

[eightball61]

Should I be worried about this secret new "HAPPY" male friend?



What the hell is the point on trying to find out about "happy".

Ever since you both had the cheating incident things never been the same nor ever will be. You both are at each other's throat on the little thing. This could be something major but there is no point for the effort. This relationship keep going further and further down and I am just patiently waiting till it hits rock bottom but that just hasn't happen yet.

I am not going to give you advice on what to do about this. I have tried to help you succeed into the relationship and it just didn't work because of her. She drove her oldest sone away and now it you. My thoughts are to leave but its all up to you...I will say though you are being a fool in staying. Stop making damn excuse and just leave.

[bdtraders]

What the hell is the point on trying to find out about "happy".

Because if shes been cheating on me i want to know about it, especially since I have always told her if she wants someone else to let me know and i would leave, plus shes been planning a wedding.

I dunno just the number, it saying happy, her call logs were erased, and she shuts off her phone sometimes around me , just makes me curious.

Maybe im just jumping to conclusions and looking for solid throw in your face reason to leave. Like i cant believe you did this to me.

[eightball61]

My SO is using my old cell phone (wasnt activated) as her cell now, (hers broke).



So was it or wasn't the phone activated? I understand that you gave it to her but I am confused to whether she had it activated or not :confused:

Anyway, you know that bringing up this "happy" name on her phone will create another arguement. Your more than welcome to mention something to her but it may not do any good. At this point I really don't see anything that will make it work.

After months of effort nothing successful came out of it. I really wished things could have turned out better for you but it didn't. You know my thoughts to this relationship and they are not going to change unless I see a big change and thats something that will take a long time to do because she has showed no change. You know what you should do and I really encourage you to do it but then again its your choice.....If you had the choice between happiness and not being happy then I am sure you would choose happiness. You are not getting happiness right now so you need to find a way to get that. What I am saying is that you need to find a way out.

I wish things could have turned out differently but it didn't. I do wish you luck bdtraders.... You are a great friend through the net and I will still be around ;) Have fun with you son this weekend and see you next week :)

[SALly]

I don't think it even matters anymore. Who cares who HAPPY is. This should just be one more thing to make you realize that you are the only one really trying in the relationship and you don't really know the real HER anymore.

[bdtraders]

I came to work early today because i didnt want to be home with her anymore, i really hope she dosent call me either here at work.
She treated me like crap when we went to go get my son last night, but she was nice to him so shes lucky in that aspect. Treat me like shit, fine, but you better treat my son like a king. She did so shes lucky, i woke up this moring feeling lost and empty, i dont want to be there anymore, but theres so much i have to do before i can leave, i have to find a place to live ( i cant afford shit on my own) plus i need to find a job closer to my son and where my family is.
I feel so dead inside, i want to move on and have hapiness find me. I need to win the lotto.

[eightball61]

but theres so much i have to do before i can leave, i have to find a place to live ( i cant afford shit on my own) plus i need to find a job closer to my son and where my family is.
.


Your making excuses again :rolleyes: You have family and friends. There is someone out there that will take you in until you get your feet back up...trust me.

[bdtraders]

Your making excuses again :rolleyes: You have family and friends. There is someone out there that will take you in until you get your feet back up...trust me.


Yea i understand that, should i wait for them to offer or should i ask, i just dont want to feel like i am imposing on thier lives.

She called right now with nothing to say (she will call and let me control the conversation, she will just sit there...dead air....until i make a topic.) When she pulled her dead air routine so did I and she was like well i just called to say hi, i said ok hi, she said well ill call you later, i said yup, she said love ya and i said yup and hung up.

Nothing is going to happen this weekend, i wont do it with my son around, i know her kids will be hurt with me leaving but i need to look out for my best interest and my son.

Of all the times I have posted on here and felt so blah, i have never felt this distant and finished. It scares me, cause i do love her, but i cant take it anymore.

Sorry i am so stubburn about things and I trully greatfull for all your support 8ball, i know i have frustrated the shit out of you at times, but thank you so much for being here for me, and im sure i will need you and everyone as time goes on.

I need to get myself in order so i can move on. god this hurts.

The worst part is i go from feeling strong to week , from feeling like i could care less to feeling sick at my stomach and feelings like my world is caving in.

I just want to stay strong and not let her effect me, i dont want to feel bad anymore.

[eightball61]

I just want to stay strong and not let her effect me, i dont want to feel bad anymore.


Its nice to have it both ways but its not going to happen. You can be strong and leave but after a while you will get weak and I am afraid to say but I have a felling you would go back to her. You need to make a decision and stick to it. You leaving may be a wakeup call to her and if she wants you back then you take her back slowly.

You need to focus on now though and now would be to leave. You need to ask your closest friend and family about taking you in for sometime. They should understand and be willing. You need to just do it and not second guess it.

[bdtraders]

Its nice to have it both ways but its not going to happen. You can be strong and leave but after a while you will get weak and I am afraid to say but I have a felling you would go back to her. You need to make a decision and stick to it. You leaving may be a wakeup call to her and if she wants you back then you take her back slowly.

You need to focus on now though and now would be to leave. You need to ask your closest friend and family about taking you in for sometime. They should understand and be willing. You need to just do it and not second guess it.


Im talking about feeling week then strong for 5 minutes right now, not about how i feel about her or if i want to stay. I am going theres no question about that.

IM not second guessing anything, its just not as easy as packing a suitcase and driving to a friends house, when i leave, i leave with everything, my couchs, tvs, my beds, my over 800+ dvds, everything, uhaul full of stuff. Also if i leave i wouldnt be so fast to go back, she would have to really proove herself to me before anything would happen.

what i want to do is make a clean break from here, move closer to friends and family and work in that area, it would be a huge commute for me to drive where i would live with a friend or family to here, that is my point. Not to mention our house is a few blocks from my current job and i dont want to be anywhere near her when we break up.

You may feel as if i am making excuses but its not as simple as just up and leaving, there are a house full of possesions involved as well as distance logistics and work to think about.

Trust me i wish it was a simple as pack my bags and boxes and move in with a friend that lives in the area, problem is everyone close to me lives over an hour + away.

Nothing, NOTHING, zero, zilh, nada would giv eme greater pleasure then telling her to go F*** herself and me walking out and never turning back, but its not that simple. I am in the process of trying to change jobs and either transfer up there or find a new job up there ASAP,.

But my basic point about feeling strong and week has nothing to do with staying with her, IM GONE, my heart already left. But inside me the pain i feel makes me feel strong but then sad and week and thats what i am battling right now.

[eightball61]

That post was the words that I have been waiting to hear for the last few weeks..........

Your commute won't be easy but at least you'll be gone. You need to make a change then when that happens you find a way to settle in the new grove. I ain't telling you to drop everything....I am telling you to get the hell out of there and get a start to something new.

[bdtraders]

Right now I am shooting for movnig out next weekend, when the kids are gone and shes at work, that way When she gets home i can just let everything off my chest and say as you can see my minds made up. Otherwise it will be a battle with her to even try to move.

So I am shooting for next weekend, plus i get paid next friday to cost moving expenses and storage to store my things.

[eightball61]

Sounds like a plan ;)

Just keep your head high and strong. This week just go about your business and plan for the move. Its not going to be easy but you know this is something you gotta do or you will be just stuck like you are now.

[bdtraders]

Sounds like a plan ;)

Just keep your head high and strong. This week just go about your business and plan for the move. Its not going to be easy but you know this is something you gotta do or you will be just stuck like you are now.


trust me im sure i will be turning here for support and a kick in the head daily this next week.

What scares me the most is she will sense that i am pulling away and im scared that she will start kissing my ass to get me to stay. I dont want to fall for that game, soi hope i can stay strong and haveher not catch me at a weak moment.

[eightball61]

trust me im sure i will be turning here for support and a kick in the head daily this next week.

.


We will be here(as you know) but also don't spend the week here. You also need to allow your mind to have some space to think. You need to learn how to become stronger and this will be a good start but again we will still be here. ;)

[SALly]

How's it goin bdtraders?

[bdtraders]

How's it goin bdtraders?


Not good at all, bad episode saturday night with her, then i came to work today an my boss told me I have 2 weeks to find a new job.

Not only am i loosing my love but im lossing my job, my worlds crashing in on me. At this point im hoping for a heart attack.

[eightball61]

How far is your job away from you family?

[bdtraders]

How far is your job away from you family?

hour and half drive without traffic, and i live in southern california so theres always traffic during work rush hours

[eightball61]

You could rent out a hotel room in between the areas so you only have 45 minutes travel to your job and then 45 minutes to family and where another job may hold. The hotel room would only be a temp thing but at least you can still get out this weekend.

With your boss giving you 2 weeks to find a new job this will give you the opportunity to go back home with a reason. Maybe its best you just stick it out until the end of the week(like planned) and just go back home to start something new.

[SALly]

Oh no what happened to the job? Hopefully not too much internet time??!! :eek: It could be a blessing in disguise..... Maybe the final kick in butt you need to get you the heck out of there!!!!! It will hit rock bottom but then it can only go up!!!!! :)

[bdtraders]

Oh no what happened to the job? Hopefully not too much internet time??!! :eek: It could be a blessing in disguise..... Maybe the final kick in butt you need to get you the heck out of there!!!!! It will hit rock bottom but then it can only go up!!!!! :)

The dreaded cutbacks,

she called right now and i told her about my job, she said that "we" will get thru it, i let it all out and i told her that with her BS and now my job i feel like my only alternative is a heartattack, she said to stop. I told her like i have failed with her and now with my job, and that i am lost and just want to dissapear. She said it will be ok and I said i feel s if she would be better off with someone else so maybe i should just leave, she said I am all she wants and she dosent want me to leave, and that if i did she wouldnt look for another guy cause i am everything she has ever wanted in her life, and shes sorry for how she treats me at times and she knows its wrong, but lets stick together. She told me to please come for lunch cause she wants to be near me right now and make me feel better. She said shes really sorry about everything she puts me through and i said i understand that you put up an act in front of others but not in front of me and she said yea i do, i feel like i can just be myself in front of you, and i also know that im stress about alot of things to much and it all comes out on you cause i hide it from family and friends and i try to hide it from the kids, so i focus it all on you. I said i cant handle that and she said to please give her one more chance, but if i wanted to leave that she would understand and not stand in my way. I said i will be home for lunch and she said ok.

[SALly]

So you were vulnerable and she sucked you back in---just like you said might happen.

[eightball61]

bdtraders, if you don't get the balls to leave this weekend I am gonna have to give up because I have done all I can for the help. I told you I had a feeling you would go back to her and if you did that would be your choice but your problem. You have the chance to do something and if you don't do anything about it its your fault because your allowing her to shit on you by staying.

[SALly]

But I can relate all too well....... I'm the freakin one who can't leave either!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel bad for ya!

[bdtraders]

bdtraders, if you don't get the balls to leave this weekend I am gonna have to give up because I have done all I can for the help. I told you I had a feeling you would go back to her and if you did that would be your choice but your problem. You have the chance to do something and if you don't do anything about it its your fault because your allowing her to shit on you by staying.


weeks not over yet, but i have alot to think about, cnt get a place with no money and no income, cant get a motel room half way cause i wil only be able to pay for maybe 3 nights (so why waste the money), by best bet i can figure out right now is 1st priority is find a new job and deal with her in the mean time, then leaving her is my 2nd priority after i get my feet on new work ground. But my first priority is getting a source of income, i do have child support and bills to think about first instead of worrying about how she treats me at the moment. I choose to let her bother me , thats my fault, if i focus on a new job and not her and let her deal with her own moods then we will see what happens, but in the mean time i can use her place as a place to stay and have shelter and look for a place to work, also in the mean time she can tell i mean business and if she "does" try this time then good if not then i am going to starting fresh, ill get a new job , and move on. But right now shes not my main focus anymore, I AM and my son, and supporting myself and him, and whats best for me and him, and right now that is me focusing 100% on finding a new job.

Went home for lunch and she was all lovey doey but i didnt feed into it, i was to busy sending resumes out.
I left and she gave me a big hug and said I love you. I said luv ya to and went back to work.

I know you will say im making excuses, ok thats your opinion, but in my shoes i have to look out for the first priority right now and thats income, nothing else can happen until i have an income guaranteed. I do agree that its my fault if she shits on me cause i stay. But in reality she cant shit on me even if she tries unless i open up myself to allow her to shit on me. If i learn to blow her off and laugh at it, she cant do shit, all she can do is try. The only way people mentally hurt someone is when YOU allow them to hurt you mentally.

But I can relate all too well....... I'm the freakin one who can't leave either!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel bad for ya!

Yea it is hard and like i have said many many times, this is very unlike me, i have walked for less BS many times, i guess i just really do love her, but right now i have to focus on me, i have no choice, have to find another job.

But thank you for knowing how its not so easy to leave. LOVE HURTS

[eightball61]

first priority right now and thats income, nothing else can happen until i have an income guaranteed.



Things seems to be falling for you but your boss only giving you 2 more weeks couldn't have came at a better time. That help you get the hell out of there. Once you have no job there you have no reason to stick around. You are making excuses to leave. I know income come first in something like this but thats what you have family for. Family is there to help another family memeber out in need. You need to speak up and ask your parents or who ever to stay with them until you get your feet above ground. To my assumption you haven't asked anyone yet to me you are stalling. Ask now before its all to late.

[inquisitive]

That may be the way your family works eightball,(and thats great :) ) but not all do. I know my parents would help me if I asked and needed it, but that's not the way my family works. We don't ask. I had to ask my parents for $50 bucks once a couple years ago. I was almost crying when I did because it means that I failed, and couldn't do it on my own. That wasn't how I was raised. In the end they didn't lend it to me. They gave it to me for something else they owed me for. That way they weren't "giving" me money.

[bdtraders]

Things seems to be falling for you but your boss only giving you 2 more weeks couldn't have came at a better time. That help you get the hell out of there. Once you have no job there you have no reason to stick around. You are making excuses to leave. I know income come first in something like this but thats what you have family for. Family is there to help another family memeber out in need. You need to speak up and ask your parents or who ever to stay with them until you get your feet above ground. To my assumption you haven't asked anyone yet to me you are stalling. Ask now before its all to late.


Correction I have asked family, their answer is no because of the way me and her got together, i got myself into this situation and i can get myself out. I have one really good friend and i asked him and he said he dosent have the room or he would.

So no im not stalling, i dont have that perfect family structure that everyone has, mine disowned me along time ago.

[eightball61]

i got myself into this situation and i can get myself out.
.


May I asked what happened?

I didn't know you asked because I don't recal reading it....sorry my bad I guess.

Either way if you wanted to get out you can. I know it may not be for you but you can always seek a job a fast food joint for the time being. Having income is better than no income and at least this will get you by until you do get a sensible job again. This income should be able to cover the cost of standard living and also shelter in a hotel room.

There are alternatives out there...all you gotta do is look for them.

[bdtraders]

May I asked what happened?

I didn't know you asked because I don't recal reading it....sorry my bad I guess.

Either way if you wanted to get out you can. I know it may not be for you but you can always seek a job a fast food joint for the time being. Having income is better than no income and at least this will get you by until you do get a sensible job again. This income should be able to cover the cost of standard living and also shelter in a hotel room.

There are alternatives out there...all you gotta do is look for them.

My family is still friends with my ex ( they are pissed that i cheated on her and brokeup with her to be with my girlfriend now)(yes it was wrong but it was a year ago, get over it, my ex did already we still joke and talk. lol but my family cant get over it)

I have thought about fast food also but the problem lies in the fact that i make 15 an hour now and that covers bills and child support, if i worked fast food (minimum wage) i couldnt afford child support or my bills.

I have to find a job that at least pays what i am making now if not more.

[SALly]

Maybe you can go stay with your ex.

[bdtraders]

Maybe you can go stay with your ex.


LOL belive it or not Sally me and her have talked about that, but she would have to clear it with her new boyfriend, plus i told her the last thing I would want to do is put a strain on her new relationship since he is a very nice guy and they are very happy together. But she does have an extra room, i told her its up to her and him. (he dosent live with her, but its a respect thing. I woulnt want to cause a riff in her new hapiness with him.)

[SALly]

Yeah well I was serious when I said that... I wasn't sure if she had a bf or anything. Probably not a good idea since she does.

[bdtraders]

Yeah well I was serious when I said that... I wasn't sure if she had a bf or anything. Probably not a good idea since she does.

yea shes an awesome woman and i made the BIGGEST mistake in my life when i cheated on her and left, but shes with a really great guy now and they are happy. Shes a bit leary at times because what I did, but i remind her that he is not me and to treat him as his own person.

Me and her are friends now and I just want her to be happy.

[eightball61]

Does your current GF know that you still talk to your ex about this stuff?

[bdtraders]

Does your current GF know that you still talk to your ex about this stuff?

She used to and then she said what she didnt know dosent hurt her, me and my ex were together for eight years and my current GF wanted me to wash those 8 years under the tableand never talk to her again, not to mention that my son whos 11 spent 8 of those years with my ex gf, so they were very close. She hates it that i talk to her but on the other hand its ok for her to talk to her ex and his parents and still call them mom and dad and she still hugs and kisses her ex on the cheek.

but she knows i talk to her cause shes always paranoid that i will go back with my ex and i reassure her that shes with a new guy that makes her happy and that i just want to be with her.

not to mention when me and my current got together she told me if i had a problem with her talking with her ex then i should leave her and i told her it works both ways.

[eightball61]

but she knows i talk to her cause shes always paranoid that i will go back with my ex and i reassure her that shes with a new guy that makes her happy and that i just want to be with her.

.


Since she has this paranoa don't you thinking still talking to your ex. is partial a cause to this issue you are having with your GF?

[SALly]

So much crap to deal with---- no wonder I'm not in any hurry to get a divorce.....

[bdtraders]

Since she has this paranoa don't you thinking still talking to your ex. is partial a cause to this issue you are having with your GF?


yea but she has the same paranoia when i go hang out with a male friend, i get drilled about where i was and she calls my cell "just to say hi" and i know shes checking up on me. She just is very paranoid that i will leave her yet she treats me like crap and pushs me away, very very confusing.

last few days i have went about my own agenda and im in better spirits and thats all that matters, still looking for a job.

[inquisitive]

You both cheated to start the relationship right? So that is most likely why she is always paranoid even when you're out with your male friends. You cheated on your ex what's going to stop you from cheating on her?

At least that's what I'd be thinking.


Maybe she pushes you away so that when you do cheat (in her mind) it won't hurt as much.

[eightball61]

yea but she has the same paranoia when i go hang out with a male friend, .


You need to elimate the barriers here.....You both have cheated and since then the relationship hasn't been the same nor it may ever be. You are still talking to the one you cheated with and I don't blame her for having the paranoa on that. You need to elimate that part out.

I remember you once made a thread on something like and doesn't she talk to her ex's still? does she talk to the one she cheated on you with?