My tale

[The one]

I'll try not to make this long. But hopefully this forum won't be found or traced back to me. I tend to seek advice from forums and my gf has learned this and now scavenges the net looking for things I post. Then she uses it against me.

I first met my gf when I was 15 and she was 13. We dated off and on for years and then went our separate ways. After my marriage broke up I looked for her for nearly 20 years and never found her. Then one day I got a message from her. She'd found me. I thought this was too much of a coincidence to ignore and immediately pursued her. Within a month she'd tossed out her husband and I was living with her.

I was happy at first. If not a little terrified for my life. Her husband was a backwoods redneck violent mental midget and he threatened my life more than once. But I believed I loved her and trusted I would be ok. He was all talk and my fear diminished.

But she seemed wishy washy about if she wanted me or him for the first couple months. Numerous things happened that bordered on cheating on me with him and it ruined any trust I had in her. But eventually this behavior stopped. Things were very good for a while. I had never been happier.

Until my family started feuding with her. They don't like her and regard her as being of a lower class than I. This causes lots of stress in our relationship and led to regular fights. Most of them being because I would not be rude and mean to my mother or grown children by forcing them out of my life. That and I didn't "defend" her enough.

Then one night she completely flipped out. She lost her temper and began throwing all my things around and making evil threats against me and my family. She looked at me with such contempt that a lot of my feelings for her died on the spot. I decided at that time that I needed to leave.

I spent a couple weeks or more getting up the nerve to tell her I was leaving. All the while her moods would go from sweet to evil and back again for no reason at random times. All the while her children were becoming more defiant and more irritating. After raising my kids, I figured that I could deal with anything. I was wrong. The constant bickering and yelling drove me insane.

That and the total lack of privacy. All my emails were getting read. My phone was went through. Anything I wrote online was read and I had to answer for it. I couldn't criticize anyone or anything without being told to shut up. My phone calls were listened in on and there were a few fights over it. She went into a rage and spent the entire day yelling at me because my son was yelling at me and saying hurtful things and I wasn't being hurtful back enough to suit her. I couldn't go anywhere and if I did I had to account for every second I was gone. Now to be fair I monitored her closely as well, due to the previous behavior with her ex husband. But it was nothing compared to what she did. And she actively thwarted my attempts by keeping the caller ID and her cell phone empty and deleting everything that came in soon as it came in.

She didn't work and I had to find a way out of there and keep my family and my things intact. Finally I came up with the obvious answer. I quit paying the bills. My job is seasonal and I let the season run out early. It took two months, but finally we had to leave.

I am now "free". Sort of. She lives 300 miles away from me, but still monitors what I write and insists we IM for at least 3 hours a day as well as email several times a day.

She says she is having a nervous breakdown. She says she can't sleep and cries all the time and is entertaining thoughts of suicide. She says she can't live without me and needs me and all kinds of things about changing and not being so mean all the time. She also says she would stalk me and never let me be if I broke up with her. I tend to believe it. She says that if I break up with her she will use what she knows about me and my family to ruin our reputations and livelyhoods.

I fed her a story about her finding us a place to live and me moving up there with her. But that was the only way I could find to get her to let me get my stuff out of her house and leave without it being destroyed or my life ruined.

Now I need a way to get her to let me go and not do the things she has threatened. We're apart. I have my life back and am happier than I have been in a long time. She is a thorn in my side that I need rid of. But not with her destroying everything I spent 20 years to build.

Any ideas about that? How do I dump her without enraging her and causing myself grievous bodily harm? She tends to get unreasonable and thick headed when she's angry and instead of being hurt she gets angry. So any slight to her feelings causes outbursts of vile hurtful words and actions.

How can I get her gone without hurting her feelings at all? I can't be honest with her. It will set her off. The few times I was stupid enough to be honest I paid for it. I know better now.

[eightball61]

No matter what her reactions will not be great. You need to just walk out and move on and with her 300 miles now is the time but only you can make the determination and find the will.

[Doris]

Change your email, but before you do, email a friend of yours and let them know you are 'moving' to god knows where, and then change the email, change your cell phone number, cut all contact. that girl is crazy! While I believe no one is better than another person, people DO have better behavior and morals.

You don't deserve to be treated this way, no one does. Report her all threats, and such to the police.

Best of luck to you

[janjan]

First things first. Your GF is nuts. Verifiably, 100% nuts.
Your family was right about her. Anyone who cheats on her husband, "borders" on cheating with her BF, acts violently, makes threats against your family, stalks you online, and snoops through your phone constantly is an A-Grade, low-class Psycho. I'm not sure what's going on in your life that you thought that she was a great catch, but whatever.

You want to know how to break up with her without hurting her feelings at all? The answer is that you can't. She's going to be hurt, and she's going to behave like the crazy person she is. It is impossible to break up with someone without hurting them. So you need to just abandon that idea, because it's a waste of time.

Threatening suicide is a common thing that crazy, abusive people do when their SOs finally get a clue and leave. It's a great method of control, so don't fall for it.

Normally I would say you should break up with her in person, because it's the right thing to do, but the fact that she's a violent wackjob means you're probably better off doing it over the phone. So here's how you handle this:

Start printing out emails from her, recording phone conversations, etc. Start doing this ever before you break up with her. You will need this info later.

Make sure you are totally severed from her - no stuff left at her house, none of her stuff at your house, no joint bank accounts, etc.

Call her, break up with her, and hang up. Record the phone call. Don't listen to her threats, whining, crying, etc. Just do it. Then, get a new phone with a new number, because she's going to start calling & texting you 500 times a day and leaving crazy messages. Don't turn off your old phone. Save everything she sends you - all the messages, texts, etc. And for god's sake, don't give her the new number.

Get a new email address, because she's going to send you 500 emails a day to your old email address, all full of psychotic rantings. Print all of these out.

Change all of your user IDs and passwords on EVERYTHING, and make sure your new ones aren't anything she would be able to recognize or guess.

I'm not sure what dirt she has on you and your family, but if she has any serious info, you may want to do what you can to do preventative damage control in case she's not bluffing. Plan on all of it coming out and figure out how it would affect your lives. Make sure your family knows about these threats. You may actually have to talk to a lawyer to see if she can actually do any damage, and the lawyer can tell you what the best course of actions is.

If she does start stalking you, you may have to contact the police and get a restraining order. Most states have anti-stalking laws. This is where all those emails, recorded phone messages, and texts will come in handy.

And finally, CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HER. If she finds your new phone number, change it again. If she finds your new email address, change it. If she IMs you, ignore it. If she comes over to your house, don't, under any circumstances, allow her through your door. You want to make sure that anything that happens goes on outside where there are potential witnesses. Slam and lock the door in her face if you have to, and call the cops if she won't leave.

Remain calm at all times when dealing with her. The last thing you need is for your emotions to let you do or say something stupid that will come back to haunt you.

And for heaven's sake, stop feeling like you have to account for actions to her. She's your ex-girlfriend, not your wife. If she doesn't like what you're doing or saying, that's HER problem, not yours.

Of course, all of this requires that you act like a grown man, instead of a wimp, which I suspect is somewhat of a problem for you. If you can't do all the above, then you're going to have problems with Crazy Girlfriend for a long, long time. It's up to you.

[Rich]

Well said.

Do all that JanJan said.

And grow a pair of B*lls while you're at it.

People abuse us only if we let them.