Girlfriend's Ex Is Pressuring Her To Go On Dinner Dates

[jfw1956]

For the past two and a half years, I have been dating a wonderful woman who is separated from her husband, but has yet to finalize her divorce. I am divorced and have one child. She has two teenage children. Although separated for several years, my GF had not been able to finalize her divorce because of property settlement issues. Her ex has never accepted her decision to end the marriage and has at times been very hostile toward her.

My GF's divorce proceedings were drawn out and extremely contentious until late last year, when her ex finally relented and agreed to a settlement number. However, my GF did not keep an appointment to sign the papers. She told me that, although she does not want to reconcile, she got cold feet because she believed that her ex "would not be there for her" if she finalized the divorce. (I presume that she meant with regard to raising the kids). She recently told me that she now wishes that she had signed the papers when the opportunity first arose.

In late January, my GF and her ex had a family crisis involving one of their children that caused them to spend a few days together. She told me that the time spent with her ex during the crisis allowed them to mend fences and become more friendly toward each other. She also mentioned that she and her ex discussed their respective relationships with their significant others during the trip.

In late February, my GF's ex asked her to go out to dinner with him on a Friday night. She agreed to go, but did not tell me about this beforehand. Instead, she told me that we could not get together because she had to prepare for a professional obligation the following day (which was true). She subsequently explained that she agreed to the dinner because his stated reason was to discuss family issues and that she did not tell me in advance because she knew that I would not be happy that she had gone out with him on a weekend night rather than spending the time with me.

During the dinner, my GF's ex told her that he was so encouraged by the change in their relationship that he now wants to get back together with her. My GF told him that she was not interested in doing so, and he responded that she was just being stubborn.

Recently, he asked her to go out to dinner again on St. Patrick's Day to celebrate the anniversary of the date on which they first met. She told me about this last night after I asked whether he had made any further efforts to get together. She said that she had not responded to his request and was torn about what to do because she was afraid that he would become hostile again if she refused.

I argued strenuously that having dinner dates alone with her ex was inappropriate and unwise, especially so here for two very important reasons: (1) he has clearly expressed his desire to reconcile; and (2) he has a history of impulsive antisocial behavior (details omitted). I advised her that night-time "dates" alone with him for dinner or drinks would only encourage him and that she needed to tell him now that "no means no."

I also told her that any potential benefit of agreeing to his request would be far outweighed by the certain and potential damage that would occur to our relationship. While I stopped short of issuing an ultimatum, I told her that I did not believe that our relationship would survive if this were to continue. Much to my relief, she agreed with me and said that she would not meet him for dinner this Wednesday.

I would like to have an agreement between us that, while it is necessary for each of us to meet occasionally with our exes to discuss family issues, neither my GF or I will go out on night-time "dates" alone with our exes for dinner or drinks. What do you think? Is this a reasonable request under the circumstances? Or am I being too controlling?

[kturis]

For the past two and a half years, I have been dating a wonderful woman who is separated from her husband, but has yet to finalize her divorce. I am divorced and have one child. She has two teenage children. Although separated for several years, my GF had not been able to finalize her divorce because of property settlement issues. Her ex has never accepted her decision to end the marriage and has at times been very hostile toward her.

My GF's divorce proceedings were drawn out and extremely contentious until late last year, when her ex finally relented and agreed to a settlement number. However, my GF did not keep an appointment to sign the papers. She told me that, although she does not want to reconcile, she got cold feet because she believed that her ex "would not be there for her" if she finalized the divorce. (I presume that she meant with regard to raising the kids). She recently told me that she now wishes that she had signed the papers when the opportunity first arose.

In late January, my GF and her ex had a family crisis involving one of their children that caused them to spend a few days together. She told me that the time spent with her ex during the crisis allowed them to mend fences and become more friendly toward each other. She also mentioned that she and her ex discussed their respective relationships with their significant others during the trip.

In late February, my GF's ex asked her to go out to dinner with him on a Friday night. She agreed to go, but did not tell me about this beforehand. Instead, she told me that we could not get together because she had to prepare for a professional obligation the following day (which was true). She subsequently explained that she agreed to the dinner because his stated reason was to discuss family issues and that she did not tell me in advance because she knew that I would not be happy that she had gone out with him on a weekend night rather than spending the time with me.

During the dinner, my GF's ex told her that he was so encouraged by the change in their relationship that he now wants to get back together with her. My GF told him that she was not interested in doing so, and he responded that she was just being stubborn.

Recently, he asked her to go out to dinner again on St. Patrick's Day to celebrate the anniversary of the date on which they first met. She told me about this last night after I asked whether he had made any further efforts to get together. She said that she had not responded to his request and was torn about what to do because she was afraid that he would become hostile again if she refused.

I argued strenuously that having dinner dates alone with her ex was inappropriate and unwise, especially so here for two very important reasons: (1) he has clearly expressed his desire to reconcile; and (2) he has a history of impulsive antisocial behavior (details omitted). I advised her that night-time "dates" alone with him for dinner or drinks would only encourage him and that she needed to tell him now that "no means no."

I also told her that any potential benefit of agreeing to his request would be far outweighed by the certain and potential damage that would occur to our relationship. While I stopped short of issuing an ultimatum, I told her that I did not believe that our relationship would survive if this were to continue. Much to my relief, she agreed with me and said that she would not meet him for dinner this Wednesday.

I would like to have an agreement between us that, while it is necessary for each of us to meet occasionally with our exes to discuss family issues, neither my GF or I will go out on night-time "dates" alone with our exes for dinner or drinks. What do you think? Is this a reasonable request under the circumstances? Or am I being too controlling?

I think that is a VERY reasonable request and is not controlling at all. Why not request to go with her to these meetings? I

I was in (still am, kinda) in a very similar situation. My girlfriends ex, (her son's father) is a very angry individual. Everyone was scared to make him angry, including her, out of fear of what his reaction might be. I'm not really scared of anyone, so I just don't quite understand this. He controls the situation, and nobody stands up to him. It sounds like your GF could be scared of him causing trouble with custody things.

Regardless, I think you are being completely fair and reasonable, and the fact that you are willing to get on a post to ask others if they think you are reasonable says a lot about you and your willingness to do the right thing.

Take care and hope all works out!
Brandon

[jfw1956]

Thanks, Brandon, for taking the time to read and reply to my lengthy post. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this situation and that my request is not unreasonable. Good luck to you in your relationship.
John

[BethElaine]

I have had two controlling husbands so I am quite the expert on what is deemed controlling and what is not. You are NOT being controlling you are protecting your heart and, in a way, you are protecting her. You sound very mature and secure with yourself :)

[BorealSoul]

I have had two controlling husbands so I am quite the expert on what is deemed controlling and what is not. You are NOT being controlling you are protecting your heart and, in a way, you are protecting her. You sound very mature and secure with yourself :)

Relationships are very intresting things in that they are as unique as the individuals that make them up. Good communication, as in creating understanding between two and doing so in a respectful manner, is essential for longevity of a relationship. I have met few couples who's level and style of communication is up for all things.

Ex's and children are a complication and challenge to any relationship that in my opinion stress even the best relations on occasion, especialy if there are still outstanding issues.

jfw, you recognize the need for communication with Ex's regarding children which is good. You also recognize that the environment where communication takes place should be appropriate. Drinks? Dinner? When a coffee shop would sufice? She didn't tell you the truth prior to the meeting? When trust is on the line and there is an Ex that wants to reconcile, truth and forthrightness is mandatory. Meeting with an Ex should be about dealing with issues and dealt with squarely and in my opinion should not take away from you and your GF's prime time together.

You had to argue strenuosly to show that this 'dating' was a bad idea? Really? Is your GF very defensive? Perhaps this is learned behaviour in dealing with her Ex.

From my perspective its dealing with one of two things, the Ex still has some degree of control over your GF and/or it wasn't a clean emotional break for your GF and there is still inappropriate feelings present (inappropriate in the sense that they are strong enough to interfere with her present relationship with you).

Both issues are tough nuts to crack and require patience, support and trust; something I personaly have experienced. I do not consider myself an expert in this regard, but I guess I feel I can throw out my opinion based on life experience.

As a couple, issues that affect both of you, should be dealt with by both of you.

Belated apologies for a bit of a rambling post, but you deserve some good feedback.

Cheers!

[financiallyfree]

I was in a somewhat similar situation and was given advice by a pastor who had been married for over 20 years.
1.) If an ex from the past has made any attempt to flirt, or reunite knowing the person they are pursuing is in a relationship, that is disrespect to both parties in the relationship.

2.)Communication is the platform that all successful relationships are built on. And that plat form can be cracked with dishonesty, secrecy...etc. If one of the people in a relationship has to meet with someone in the past for whatever reason, it should be known.

I do not believe an ultimatum should of been used, solely because that is a form of control. And love should of choice out of it's own free will to respect how you felt, you should not have had to convince her especially since she herself has told you of his attempts. Dinner, is an intimate occasion regardless of the purpose of the "outing." So in an occasion like that, your significant other should be joined. In fact, since the ex's intention is known, I wouldn't suggest ANY meeting to be without the significant other. Not due to lack of trust, but due to sometimes people are not aware of the danger of what there are heading for. For example, if you and your girlfriend faced each other, she would see behind you, and you would see behind her. That is what a relationship is for. So this is my long way of saying, no you were well in your rights to suggest such a thing.lol....MAY GOD BLESS.


For the past two and a half years, I have been dating a wonderful woman who is separated from her husband, but has yet to finalize her divorce. I am divorced and have one child. She has two teenage children. Although separated for several years, my GF had not been able to finalize her divorce because of property settlement issues. Her ex has never accepted her decision to end the marriage and has at times been very hostile toward her.

My GF's divorce proceedings were drawn out and extremely contentious until late last year, when her ex finally relented and agreed to a settlement number. However, my GF did not keep an appointment to sign the papers. She told me that, although she does not want to reconcile, she got cold feet because she believed that her ex "would not be there for her" if she finalized the divorce. (I presume that she meant with regard to raising the kids). She recently told me that she now wishes that she had signed the papers when the opportunity first arose.

In late January, my GF and her ex had a family crisis involving one of their children that caused them to spend a few days together. She told me that the time spent with her ex during the crisis allowed them to mend fences and become more friendly toward each other. She also mentioned that she and her ex discussed their respective relationships with their significant others during the trip.

In late February, my GF's ex asked her to go out to dinner with him on a Friday night. She agreed to go, but did not tell me about this beforehand. Instead, she told me that we could not get together because she had to prepare for a professional obligation the following day (which was true). She subsequently explained that she agreed to the dinner because his stated reason was to discuss family issues and that she did not tell me in advance because she knew that I would not be happy that she had gone out with him on a weekend night rather than spending the time with me.

During the dinner, my GF's ex told her that he was so encouraged by the change in their relationship that he now wants to get back together with her. My GF told him that she was not interested in doing so, and he responded that she was just being stubborn.

Recently, he asked her to go out to dinner again on St. Patrick's Day to celebrate the anniversary of the date on which they first met. She told me about this last night after I asked whether he had made any further efforts to get together. She said that she had not responded to his request and was torn about what to do because she was afraid that he would become hostile again if she refused.

I argued strenuously that having dinner dates alone with her ex was inappropriate and unwise, especially so here for two very important reasons: (1) he has clearly expressed his desire to reconcile; and (2) he has a history of impulsive antisocial behavior (details omitted). I advised her that night-time "dates" alone with him for dinner or drinks would only encourage him and that she needed to tell him now that "no means no."

I also told her that any potential benefit of agreeing to his request would be far outweighed by the certain and potential damage that would occur to our relationship. While I stopped short of issuing an ultimatum, I told her that I did not believe that our relationship would survive if this were to continue. Much to my relief, she agreed with me and said that she would not meet him for dinner this Wednesday.

I would like to have an agreement between us that, while it is necessary for each of us to meet occasionally with our exes to discuss family issues, neither my GF or I will go out on night-time "dates" alone with our exes for dinner or drinks. What do you think? Is this a reasonable request under the circumstances? Or am I being too controlling?

[jfw1956]

BethElaine - thanks very much for your response. This situation has been difficult on both of us and I appreciate your perspective.