Avoiding mistakes?

[mwdenny]

Well, this is just the sort of thing that seems to happen to me...maybe someone can help me figure out how to avoid such mistakes in the future.
Been divorced since 2000, no serious relationships since. Latest one happened late last fall. Have known the woman (and her ex) since we were all 7 or 8 years old. All friends most of that time. Well she decided that maybe we could be more than friends. I had that idea about 18 months after their divorce in '02 but she didn't want to at that time. I really think (thought) the world of this woman.
I went to her ex and asked if he would have a problem with me dating her. Thought it was the right thing to do. He said sure, no problem, just don't bring her with you when you come over and don't talk about her. I had no problem with those conditions. He also said he didn't think that it would last, which is understandable (and turned out to be true).
We had about 8 good weeks, then she told me that she was going to have to break it off since the ex, who I'd thought I'd cleared this with, was causing trouble, messing with their kids' minds, badmouthing her around people, etc. Said she couldn't take the stress and conflict. After the unavoidable "when are you going to live your own life and not worry about him since he does what makes him happy and the heck with the rest of the world" argument, which I of course lost, we split up. I was pretty angry with her ex about all of this of course.
Later I had to apologize to him when I found out from other friends that not only had he not said anything, but that she had said I was the one who couldn't deal with the "very odd" situation. Apparently, the whole relationship was based on her trying to stir up trouble between her ex and me. Fortunately, he at least has continued to deal plainly and we're still friends, though not as close as once. Now I don't know what to think about her, and am having real problems not being angry with her.
This is the kind of screwed-up situations that I seem to attract like a magnet. There have been several, none quite as twisted as this one, since the divorce, but all of them bad. That explains why I'm not currently in a relationship, and though I'd like to be, I'm not anxious to risk it again. I know that there is no magic bullet, but I could really use some advice on how to spot this sort of nonsense in time to duck it! :confused:

[eightball61]

he at least has continued to deal plainly and we're still friends, though not as close as once.



I wouldn't have stayed friends with him. You went to him like a real friend and a real man would. He then gave you the ok to date her and so you did. He then turned the friendship against you both and broke you both up. It also could have been her that justed wanted a breakup but fromt he reading it more seems to be him.

Maybe the relationship best that you both were apart but to me I still wouldn't consider him a friend. Friends do not do what he did to you. Real friends are more honest and respectful to other friends than that.

[SALly]

I wouldn't have stayed friends with him. You went to him like a real friend and a real man would. He then gave you the ok to date her and so you did. He then turned the friendship against you both and broke you both up. It also could have been her that justed wanted a breakup but fromt he reading it more seems to be him.

Maybe the relationship best that you both were apart but to me I still wouldn't consider him a friend. Friends do not do what he did to you. Real friends are more honest and respectful to other friends than that.
hey- eight-my-balls-- From what WWdenny said- it wasn't the ladies ex that started the mess-- it was the lady herself. Sorry- MW- us ladies can be very rude and mean. You can't base all your decisions on a few bad relationships though. I guess I would try not to date anyone in my immediate group of friends though- to try to avoid anything like this happening again. Apparently she had her own issues to deal with and probably shouldn't have even started a new relationship yet. You just got caught up in her issues.

[eightball61]

I did sense that SALly but was very unsure. Anyhow , it was a mistake "mwdenny" and now you need to pick yourself up from that and move on. You had a relationship with a dud. We all get them from time to time. All you need to do is just factor them out and stay positive and eventually you will end up with someone you do like. and will treat you right.

[mwdenny]

I did sense that SALly but was very unsure. Anyhow , it was a mistake "mwdenny" and now you need to pick yourself up from that and move on. You had a relationship with a dud. We all get them from time to time. All you need to do is just factor them out and stay positive and eventually you will end up with someone you do like. and will treat you right.

Ok, to make sure everything is clear here, SALly is correct, HE did not act dishonorably. SHE on the other hand acted deceptively. I've proven that to my own satisfaction. I've been through things like this enough times to know how to reconstruct what happened with the help of uninvolved witnesses, and to use enough of them to be able to apply a correction factor. I'm satisfied that she did this with some agenda of her own, whether to cause trouble between he and myself, or to try and turn the kids away from him, or just to give him a black eye, or even something else. HE may not have been exactly happy about it, and I think he's still a little cranked that it ever happened, but he had the sense to stand back and let it run its course without overt interference.
And yes, I do have to pick up the pieces and go on, something else I've become all too familiar with doing. But my original question was just how does one recognize these situations before they get too far gone to avoid trouble? I had no clue, there was no sense of "this is too good to be true" or anything else odd, it all seemed very natural and very reasonable. Literally every relationship I've ever been involved in, at least in the last 15 years, has gone this way, including my second marriage. There is always some ulterior motive there and I end up on the wrong end of it. Perhaps I'm simply a poor judge of character, and that keeps dumping me into these dead-end relationships. I've never asked for guidance from anyone but close friends before. I really would like to hear some fresh thoughts about how one sees what isn't readily apparent on the surface before it's too late. Thank you for your replies.

[SALly]

I really don't think there is any way to know things ahead of time. We all just live and learn......

[eightball61]

But my original question was just how does one recognize these situations before they get too far gone to avoid trouble? I had no clue, .


I can assure you that you are probably not the one that is messing these relationships up. Anything can happen at anytime. A lot of times breakups happen when its least expected. There are signs to a brakeup but most people are to blind to see those signs because we don't want to think about the bad.

You had no clue this was going to happen and even if you tried to pay attention to it I am sure you still wouldn't have known. She is very sneaky and thought she get away with it but she didn't. I never understood why a person can't end a relationship normally. A lot of people that are scared of breakups find ways that they think will be easier when in the long-run it made it worse.

Don't blame yourself though for what has happened. If you were to ask the question " Has anyone ever had a bad relationship" then we would all respond. Many would probably respond with more than one case. A bad relationship does have future effects but the positive thing is that you learned that they are not the right one for you. Its a good thing you are no longer with this girl..you dont need someone that likes to sneak behind peoples back.

You know the drill though and you have to just keep you head up and see what the next relationship brings ya......

[mwdenny]

Thanks for the replies. I guess it's just "live and learn" as it's always been. The good news is that in the last 24 hours I've spoken to both of them...didn't go looking, just ran into one and then the other. The woman I saw in the store, she was all friendly and wanted to talk...till I confronted her about what had happened. I don't like to do this because I like to avoid things getting out of hand, but she just got red in the face and said "guess I couldn't fool you" and didn't try to deny it. When I asked her why she did it she started saying that I didn't know what it was like sharing kids with an ex etc etc. I have 2 stepdaughters, but none of my own, which is not by choice but its getting too late now. Anyway, I finally cut her off and said "look, it's really not my problem, and I'm upset that you tried to use me to solve that problem," whereupon I walked away before things could get ugly.
I ran into her ex later when I stopped in a restaurant to get a bite and we ended up having a long talk about it and a good laugh, so at least I didn't lose one friend...and I wonder if I ever had the other one.
So now I am looking at my options...don't know whether to try the online dating thing or not. You hear horror stories, but then you hear happy endings from online dating too. I'm not into the bar scene so that leaves me with trying to meet women at the store or at church...which I don't attend regularly...or hoping someone will introduce me to somebody. I'm open to suggestions about this too.
Thanks and have a good day! :D

[eightball61]

I'm open to suggestions about this too.



mwdenny meet SALly...hehe just kidding :p Just figured we all needed alittle chuckle here.

I am glad to see your spirits are high about moving on. Try not to rush anything though. Allow nature to take its course and guide you in the right direction on meeting the right person.

You can try the online dating thing and as you stated it works for some but not others. Its doesn't hurt to try though but don't tie all you money into it. You mentioned you are are not into the bar nor church thing but what about local public places? Try going to the mall more often or even by a local newpapers daily and see whats going on for events locally. Try going and doing things you normally wouldn't do but would have an interest in finding out about it.

Women don't fa.l out of the sky like rain does. There are plenty of single one out there buts its like going fishing and you have to stick your rod in the water and just wait for the fish to come. Its a process and will take time but as I mentioned just be patient, hang with your friends, and see what life brings you.
I do wish you luck and please keep us posted. ;)

[SALly]

mwdenny meet SALly...hehe just kidding :p Just figured we all needed alittle chuckle here.
;)

Hey hey hey--eightball, don't be trying to hook me up...... I can get into trouble that way... ;)

[eightball61]

Just trying to be nice :D

[SALly]

Yeah well, be mean once in a while will ya???? :D

[eightball61]

I will try to make that change for you...lol :p