Moving on more effectively..

[kturis]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Brandon and I am a 25-year-old male.

I just want to give some information here to help tell the whole story to help you understand better, so please bare with me.

I was with my ex for 6 years, lived with her for 5. We had a pretty rocky relationship. Some days were great, some days were awful. I didn't really feel like she wanted the best for me the whole relationship, but rather the best for her. In November, I was having really bad anxiety problems, so I checked myself into the hospitals mental health unit and ended up staying a month. After about 2 weeks, I never received a call or a visit from her. She knew where I was, and there was lots of times before the fact that she was very impatient and angry with me for having so much anxiety. Finally, after 5 years of an unhealthy relationship, I broke it off with her because I knew that if she couldn't even drive 5 miles to see me in the hospital, I don't think she'd ever be there for me when I needed her the most.

3.5 months later I started hanging out with a girl I knew from high school and grew up with. We really hit it off and I can say that I am very happy only 2 months into. She is a great girl.. she acts on the things that she knows makes me happy. She sends me text messages every day reminding me how much she likes being together, she listens to my problems, and my past mental health problems don't seem to bother her. She's an RN, so I'm sure she has dealt with it a lot. She encourages me to follow my dreams, even when I get discouraged, she build me up. This girl is wonderful to me and honestly, she is what I've always dreamed of from a girl.

Here lies the problem. When we first started dating, my feelings for my ex weren't even there. It's almost as if the new nail drove out the old nail and I really thought I was getting over her. I had to go back a few times to get my things, and I used to talk to her on Facebook. We get along really well as friends and we were talking a lot. But, when that happened I started missing her. I talked to my mom and she said I need to stop going over there for a while and stop talking to her on Facebook. I do believe we weren't meant for each other, but I'm struggling with these emotions that come up from time to time.

I feel an incredible amount of guilt, especially when I'm around my new girlfriend, because I don't think it's fair. I told her I was over her, because I thought I was. I really am happy and I have no intentions of going back to my ex. My ex is also seeing someone that makes her happy.

I haven't talked to her in a week or so, but I found out she was at Atlantic City, and I was kind of bothered by it, because we had some of our greatest vacations in AC. I'm really trying my best here, because I honest to God have no intentions of ever being with her, but I still find that I miss her occasionally and get kind of sad.

Is this normal? Is this something time will heal? 6 years is a long time. I have this huge amount of guilt, because the girl I am with now is SUCH a good girl and I don't want to have these relapses of emotion and missing her. Can anyone offer any advice? I really don't want to lose the girl I'm with if this is something that time will heal, or something that I can help myself with.

Thanks,
Brandon

[smackie9]

Well you really didn't give yourself time to heal. I can probably guess that this new gf DOES know you still miss the ex. Women can pick up on that kind of stuff. She is a very patient gf......you're best be keeping her around. You just need to cut off any communication with the ex, and that means stop looking at your ex's activity on facebook. You can explain to her that this would be a good time for you both to finally let go so you both can move on with your new relationships. Don't worry, you will survive without her.

[janjan]

You can stop worrying about it - it's very normal. You had six years with this girl, after all. You can't just chuck the feelings overnight. Your feeling will fade over time, but they will probably fade more quickly if you do what Smackie says and cut off all contact with her. Sounds like your current GF is a great catch, so you want to do whatever you can to not screw it up with her.

[BethElaine]

Brandon - you have a lot of time invested in your long-term relationship - it's only natural that you think of her from time to time. But, unless you like abusive, loveless, empty relationships I'd put all my focus onto this new person in your life and never look back. You have to ask yourself if you like to be ignored, stepped on and rejected or if you'd rather be adored, loved and cherrished? Your Mother knows best - listen to her.

[BorealSoul]

Brandon,

welcome to the emerging world of multiple long term relationships. For better or for worse, 'till death do us part' seems to be on the wane.

It is normal to have lingering feelings for an Ex. They should fade away with time with the exception of emotionaly strong memories (positive and negative). I mean who will ever forget their first time?

Focus on your new love. Be grateful for having a good woman who can see you for you and accept your shortcomings.

[Rich]

You need to become better at closing past chapters in your life and focusing on the here and now. If you can't separate and move on by having limited contact with your EX....then you need to have NO contact at all. Focus all your attention and give 100% of yourself to your new girl and relationship.

It's six years, so yes there will ALWAYS be feelings on some level for your EX...but you need to always remember WHY you broke it off with her in the first place and that it was the best thing to do for you. Don't remember her as being anything but how she actually was. Don't look back with rose colored glasses on. Why you went to the hospital, her not visiting, the fights. Remember the bad parts of your time with her as well, not just the good, which is what you're doing.

You keep looking back with feelings because you don't feel, on some level, that you made the right choice. You have to know in your head that you made the right choice and did what was best for you and even though you had some good times with your EX, that it was time to end it and that it was the RIGHT thing to do it.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW AND FEEL THAT IMPLICITLY!