He wants all my passwords and to remove mutual friends off facebook

[mykidsmom2]

A year ago, my spouse of 11 years and I had a fight. Please know there are MANY underlying issues for problems in our relationship, things we have been working on over the years.
To give you an idea, I caught him having rather seductive and inappropriate conversations online with several women. Not to mention the inapproprite comments about a very attractive coworker he has.
At that point things got very heated and he demanded all my passwords to ALL my emails and to know who everyone on my facebook was, what relation, where I met them, why they were on there..ect... Of course, having NOTHING to hide I gave them all to him and shared my facebook friends info with him. Notice, I not once felt that I needed to obtain his personal email passwords as I was trying to demonstrate that I was trying to trust him again.
We've changed a lot over the last year, we spend more time together, we talk more, and we can have a constructive argument. We've also stopped drinking socially with people(we found this to add fuel to our fire.)
HOWEVER, last weekend, we had several beers while friends were over. When they left he began to argue about how I had picked up his phone looking for a mutual friends phone number. I immediately acknowledged that this is a violation of his privacy and apologized profusely. He continued to rub-it-in for an hour, yelling and screaming at me. I refused to fight with him because he had been drinking and removed myself from the conversation. He then proceeded to tell me I needed to remove HIS friends from my facebook because they were not MY friends and he felt like I was "checking up on him".
HUH??? Surely after an 11 year relationship we have mutual friends and I can consider some of his friends mine as well. Perhaps I'm wrong.

I'm thoroughly confused and now a little suspicious. Feel like I'm back at square one!...hmmm:(

[Rich]

Just keep working thorugh it. There's obviously still immaturity, resentment and mistrust present in your marraige. Just have to keep chipping away at repairing and improving those items.

No easy answer.

[janjan]

Let me get this straight - picking up your HUSBAND'S phone is a violation of his privacy? Really? So, he can have access to all of your passwords, facebook account, see you all the time, have with you, be legally entitled to half of everything you own, and yet somehow you can't look at his cell phone? And he wants you to remove all of your mutual friends from Facebook, because you having them is "checking up on him"???

Have you ever heard the phrase "Methinks the lady doth protest too much?" I mean, I would have ZERO problem with my husband looking all through my cell phone, facebook messages, emails, etc., because I have nothing to hide from him. He, however, obviously has something to hide from you, or he wouldn't go ballistic when you checked his phone. Being upset about your wife looking in your phone is suspicious and weird, and if he's normally that kind of person, then I would have advised you to let it go. But screaming at his wife for an HOUR and demanding that she remove all of his friends from her facebook because she's "checking up on him?" That's not weird, that's nuts. It's the actions of someone who's either got something to hide, or who has some serious mental and emotional problems. If you want to blame it on the booze, that's up to you, but please remember that booze doesn't turn someone into a different person. It merely removes inhibitions and makes people more likely to reveal parts of themselves they may not normally reveal.

Sounds like you spend too much time apologizing for things you don't need to apologize for, and too much time wondering if you're wrong, and not enough time figuring out what your man's hiding from you.

[veronaqueen]

Uhh... he sounds pretty defensive, which seems like a red flag to me. It's possible he's doing this as a means of hiding something HE did. He has no right to be able to check up on you when you've done nothing wrong, and yet here he is, trying to isolate himself from you in every possible way. Call me crazy but I think something's going on with him.

[mykidsmom2]

It appears Veronicaqueen was ABSOLUTELY right!
Thursday I had grabbed my SO cell phone to get his Father's cell number(there was a family emergency and his grandmother needed it) His father is the first entry in his address book.
My SO coworker that I had the insecurities about (see above) quit her job to "travel" for a few years, the boss treated all his employees to a nice buffet luncheon.
My SO has owned his cell phone for 1 1/2 years, has NEVER changed his ringtone(I know seems rather insignificant), he changed it to vibrate mode, and over the course of the eveninghad several text messages come through that he replied in the kitchen out of eyeshot! The secretiveness really peeked my interest....he went for a shower and I grabbed his cell.....no calls in the log, no text messages except mine...until went into his contacts...and there she is...he programmed her number into his cell phone....his now FORMER coworker.
So frustrated, he is aware of my feelings about her and he is aware of the insecurities I have when it comes to her....why does he have her number in his phone? Even if it is completely innocent, to do that knowing how I feel, is inconsiderate in itself and speaks volumes to me.
Any thoughts?

[mykidsmom2]

I'm ashamed that I snooped, not proud of that moment of pure insecurity and can't believe that I resorted to that. I'm ashamed of who I am becoming and at a complete loss of what to do.

[veronaqueen]

All I can really say is to go with your gut. If you feel like he's hiding something then he probably is. All phones keep a call log, and chances are he's deleting his messages to her immediately after he reads them since you said the only ones you found were your own.

It's pretty hard to tell what's up just by her number being in his address book though. My bf has a few exes' numbers because they're still friends, so it's pretty hard to get a read on situations like that. Would it be possible to sit him down and just tell him you feel like something's wrong? Not to make him run, but more to explain how you're feeling?

[PrincessB]

Wow. One thing that I notice, is that people become suspicious when they are dealing with their own guilt...Either that or your husband has control issues he needs to sort out. I am throwing a surprise party for my boyfriend and went through his contacts to get in touch with his family and friends I didn't already have. He caught me looking through his phone and I told him what I was doing (not the part that I was taking notes and throwing a party for him) and he just said "oh, okay." and that was it. He has nothing to hide and so its not a big deal. I probably would've asked questions if things were the other way around, but I had no other way of getting the info I needed. He is going to be so excited on Saturday when he sees I went through some trouble to get all the important people together for a celebration!

You've been married for how many years? You would think there were a deeper level of trust than a young couple that is only dating. I don't know how old you are, but your generation could be a factor as to why he's so private with technology...I have a friend that thinks the internet is evil and has a complex with it comes to computers and cellphones. Hmmm....something tells me that's not what his problem is. I mean, he's demanded your passwords, info, and vetoes your friend lists. Which tells me he either has a double standard or has something to hide.

He is hiding something whether it is inappropriate behavior or a full fledge affair doesn't really matter. His behavior is all the same. Many men scramble and sweat over things that wouldn't even bother us women, because they don't understand the inner workings of our brains, and can't judge for themselves what would and wouldn't piss us off. A lot of times the things that piss women off are trivial or men consider them trivial. Its difficult to tell his intentions but I will advise to keep aware of any changes or sketchy behavior without driving yourself crazy with suspicions.

Do NOT feel guilty about going through his phone. He has given valid reason for your inquisitive actions, and not being forthright. Next time, before you have the urge to do any detective work, initiate a frank discussion. If he can't remain cool or deflects (a common tactic of dishonest folk), I would find somewhere else to stay to give you both space. Don't threaten it, don't warn, don't say anything. Just pack your bags and go. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing, you both just need space to reflect and put things into perspective.

[BorealSoul]

Right on the money PrincessB.

The only thing I would add is the reminder that relationships are a two way street and it is common that when there are issues in a relationship, not one person is to blame for it.

The redflag for me in this thread is the removal of mutual friends on Facebook. Why this?
I can only surmise 2 things;
1/. he is hiding something and it can be revealed through some FB sleuthing, or
2/. he feels like his privacy and space is being crowded

both IMO indicate that there is a significant relationship issue and trust is at the core of it.

[smackie9]

Your gut is telling you something and I feel you have every right to check.....not because you are a nosey, controlling spouse, but from his secretive behaviour. When a person switches the accusation onto you that is a show of guilt on their part....fight or flight to avoid being caught. Me personally if my spouse was doing what he was doing, I'd be callin it quits, because when they search out the attention of others, mentally they have aready left the relationship.

[mykidsmom2]

To answer and clarify a few things:

Veronaqueen: Yes, I sat him down and he got very defensive and deleted her number right in front of me. Although I made it a point that that wasn't my objective. My point was to tell him that I have insecurities when it comes to this girl and he knows it, and yet he has her number in his phone, fixes her personal computer and has her over to pick it up when I'm either occupied or out.(those were the latest developments as of last night)

PrincessB: I'm 30 years old, have two kids and have been with him for 12 years. He proposed 8 years ago and is "scared" to seal the deal until just recently.

When I look back on my discussion with him I was in tears and he showed very little emotions. I explained to him that I do love him, but I am having a very hard time trusting him. The fact of the matter is, after sleeping on it I don't know how much more I can take. I do love him, but I have to ask myself if I love him enough to keep going through this? I don't want it to get to the point that I lose all respect for him and break it off. He is a terrific father and deserves that respect. Does that make sense or am I grasping at straws?

[smackie9]

Go to couples counseling...... to help you make your final decision.

[PrincessB]

I think its a great thing that you're asking yourself questions. Some suggestions for questions to ask yourself are as follows:

1) How much do you love yourself?

2) How much do you love your kids?

3) What kind of example (of marriage and relationships) do you want your kids to grow up with?

4) Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that the way your husband treats you is ok?

[eightball61]

Go to couples counseling...... to help you make your final decision.

I agree because you both need to find the common ground together to work past this and if the therapy doesn't work then nothing will. There is a bigger cat that needs to be out of the hat here in order for you both to move past this together.

[workoutgirl]

Sounds to me like he is the guilty one and is passing the blame to you. Usually when one is guilty they blame others.