does he really love me?

[mia]

Hi. i have been living with a guy now for 21 months, but he isnt very affectionate and doesnt want to do much cept watch movies and sleep, as he says after a days work he deerves to just rest, i feel like he doesnt care somtimes if im here or not. when i ask him if we should split up cause we seem to both want different things in a relationship, he says no i love you i dont want you to go, he seems to be very moody most of the time and when he gets angry at me cusses me really bad then says he is sorry he didnt mean it, he hates to upset me and see me cry. i tell him that things have to change as i cant go on this way anymore, i have no family or friends where we live just him so feel alone most of the time. he always promises he will change and be more outgoing and do more with me and show me more affection, so i wait a few months and when nothing changes he says all the time u never give me a chance to change. and i keep bringing it up. how long am i suppose to wait for these changes to happen and am i wrong for keep bringing it up all the time ? he says when i do im nagging him. but i feel if i dont bring it up he will just stay the same way. should i be trying to change him and is he just saying he will try so i wont leave. im so confused because i feel he doesnt really love me even tho he says he does alot and im the best thing that ever hapened to him. do u think after being together 21 months he will ever change. and is it wrong of me to try to make him show affection to me, shouldnt that be part of a loving relationship?

[SALly]

Wow- sounds a little familiar to me. I don't think he will change. Unless you leave for a while, sometimes that's enough to bounce someone back into reality. I wonder if something in his life is depressing him or stressing him out causing him to act that way?!

[eightball61]

Classic guy excuse to a man to make them be quite is " Your Nagging"......


I will say and very proud to admit that I am not like most guys. I would say that I am the emotional nagger. I got some girl in me and that makes it great I believe for my relationship with my girlfriend. It really saddens me though when I hear of these stories like this one here that Mia posted. She has no family or friends and she is stuck with this guy that just doesn't care.

I wouldn't doubt that he does love you. The problem is he lacks in showing it. If he was just saying that though to keep you there then that really low. :( You have tried everything you could and there is still no change. Thats leaves you to the point " what should I do next"?

SALly is going through te same thing and you should listen to her on this. She is a very good women that will be able to connect well on a topic like this. I do agree with her though and I doubt he will change. He has proven it to you and by your words he has proven it to me. What he needs is a wake up call and a reality check. The only way of doing that is to leave.

If you leave though where are you going to go with no family or friend around? Do you make enough at your current job to finacially support yourself for a while in an apartment? another option would be to stay in a hotel short-term until you collect your thoughts. How far is family from you? Can;t you call them and ask to come for a bit?

You need to do something for you. You are not happy where you are and there is no point in staying under these conditions. You need to think for yourself and try to make something good here. Maybe an out-burst may help but I doubt it. If he loved you then he see the pain and make a change. He is so used of the person he is now that only a relaity check will get him the mtivation to change. You need some time and space to think about this. Give it a few days of thinking from what we have said and make a decision from there. We are here for you so please share any thoughts you may have more to this. There are people out there that do care :)

[SALly]

If he loved you then he see the pain and make a change.
Wow eightball, that was quite a sentence there. Hit me hard. Thanks for the nice words about me in your post. :p It makes me think of that song again-- how can you get that lonely.....and nobody know.

I definitely know what it is like to be without family and friends nearby. I have only one good friend and no family around.........

[enocar]

know how you feel i got one of them at home too
Got all the hassle of being in a relationship and none of the good stuff which is meant to come with it :rolleyes:

[eightball61]

Let me share something about myself if you don't mind.....

When I first started dating my girlfriend I wasn't boyfriend material. I had girlfriends in the past and got hurt by a few so I just stopped dating for a few years. During that few years I lost my touch on how to be a real boyfriend.:rolleyes:

The first few months of the relationship was really bad. I was the biggest jerk to her and today I still can't believe that she even stayed with me. I was very insecure, didn't trust her, called her names, made her purposely feel like shit everyday, and the list can go on. I did love her though and I didn't want her to go. I figured it out on my own though that I needed a change. She didn't come out and say it but her body language sad it all. I made her cry many times...at first I didn't care and it didn't bother me but after a while it made me cry to see her hurt like this. The reason why I cried several times was because I was the one that was making her feel this way.

I then started going on relatinship forums )like this one) for help. There were many helpful people out there that helped me through my battle. It was very hard for me to make this positve change. Even though I wanted the change it was still hard because I was used of being that jerk and treating her like shit.

I had 2 choices and that was either treat her like a girlfriend or be the jerk and having her leave me...........

I choose the choice to be with her, ofcourse. Today we still have a rocky relationship but we have worked together through it. I eventually told her my plan and she was pleased about my efforts. I do catch myself doing jerkish things from time to time but when I come to these boards it really reminds me of the person I love and makes me rethink the way I act.

I really wish I could explain why this may happen but I really can't. The only thing I can say is that your men really need to smarten up and save themselves before you both running away for good. You can put all the effort you want into the relationship but as you seen it doesn't do a damn thing.

Relationships are built for two people to work together as a team. If you don't have that team then you don't have a relationship. Some relationships work and many don't. This is a part of life and you have stick to yourself and not give up. Many people go through years of marriage and then finally decide it was never meant to be.

Relationships can suck but they also can be a great experience when you have the right partner. Its takes many wrongs before you get that right one but you can never let yourself down. Don't allow someone else to tear you down for the rest of your life because that just shows how weak you are. You need to stand strong and up for yourself and if you do that then you'll make it just fine ;)




p.s.

SALly, I mentioned those kind words because sometimes its best to hear the trueth from another person. I barely know you but from our conversations you are a great person/friend and your husband is really missing out on someone special(that be you) ;)

[dvs ladii]

Wow, i can relate so much to this with my past relationship. Let me tell you something from what I learned just a few days ago, if he's putting you down all the time, and starts cursing you, you don't deserve to hear any of his bullshit, first off dont ever let a guy swear at you, second of all, don't fall for his "I love you's", if he honestly meant that with all his heart, he would've changed himself for the better person.

You need to stop giving your all into this relationship, because every relationship is based on 50/50. If he's not committing his all to you, then why are you wasting your time with him?. Hell, I know 21 months is a long time, because i was with my boyfriend for 32 months, and at the end, everything he was sugar coating me for, came out, it wasn't love.

And I agree with what sally said, a person doesn't realise what he/she has until their gone, so now the decision is upto you, either you leave him alone for a little while until he realises what he has to do to keep you or you just keep hurting yourself.

I wish you luck with whatever you have to do, don't fall so deep that at the end you might have a hard time getting back up. ;)

[Rich]

He isn't going to change. He is who he is and he's expressing his views about your relationship by his actions. Which aren't positive or encouraging.

If he loved you deeply enough, then he would have changed already. Right now he considers it nagging. Enough said.

21 months is long enough to see how somebody is, especially if you have been living together. If you got married your marriage life wouldn't be all that different.

Actually it would be a lot worse because it sounds like if you had children together, that he wouldn't be helping you with them when he came home from work. Your frustration level would rise from that and your closeness would separate more and more. There would be NO ual closeness or intimacy with each other, which would strain your relationship even more. You would fight all the time.

Marriages that last have a lot of good, core ingrediants heading into the mariage. You don't even have those core ingredients and one wonders why you're still there.

You know what your heart is telling you to do. So just do it. Leave this guy. You know that's what your heart is telling you to do, right? That's why you came to this site, right?

There's no gun to your head making you stay, other than maybe you being afraid to leave and being on your own.

Just my opinion.

Rich

[mia]

thanks for all that info. eightball61, what u said really shocked me as u were exactly how he was when i first moved in with him, he was the rottenist meanest person i have ever met in my entire life, reading how u were with ur gf was just how he was with me, he made me cry lots and would tell me to stop whining, he has made a big improvement since those first months, he realized one day after he spat on me and threw soda over me what an ass he really was, he sat there and cried and said he didnt realize how much he was hurting me and hes a total f--- up. he said he didnt understand why i was still here with him and he knows he doesnt deserve me, and he was going to try so hard to change, i did leave once to a transition house for 17 days but visited him in the evenings and we talked alot, i told him i didnt want to return to the same way as it was before i left and he promised to try hard to change towards me, there has been an improvment as he now knows i do have choices where i can go to stay and i think that opened his eyes a lil, plus i talk often to him and tell him i deserve respect from him. i do have to remind him somtimes that i wont put up with his moods towards me and he doesnt like it when i tell him i wont stay with him if he doesnt change, he says i dont need to keep reminding him ill leave him. but i do! i know ill never change him completely as i guess it is the way he is, but its hard to beleive someone loves u truly when they can talk so bad to you one minute then say they love you the next. eightball61, do you know what made u act this way to ur gf? do u think it was because women hurt you in the past, because he was hurt also by other women in his past. i have to keep reminding him that im not them, he says im nothing like them im kind and caring and sometimes i wonder tho is that why he wants me around because i do go out of my way for him alot. and he doesnt want to loose me because im so good natured person. maybe he loves me the way i am, but not deep from within. is hard to understand somtimes, as i dont know what his real feelings are only he knows that.

[eightball61]

My assumption to why I was this way is because I was very insecure with everything. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was to afraid for her to go so I figured if I do these things then she won't leave.....well stupid me I was wrong because she was on the verge of leaving.

I can't predict this is why you man is acting lke this but you and I both know its not healthy to the relationship or you. What he is doing is lowering yourself-esteem and eventually you'll be to weak to leave because you'll come to the assumption that no doesn't want you so you will end up staying with him.

You need to be stronger than you are. You have allready showed weakeness to him by staying after all these talks and he has yet not changed. Its either you stand up for yourself now or it will be to late. I really hate to see you back in a few months and your saying "I can't go because no one wants me". You need to do something for yourself now and allow a reality check to hit him. Durning this little split you need to concentrate on yourself and what you want.