Is it horrible to leave while he's deployed?

[Macaroni]

My husband and I have been married for 4 months. The marriage was a huge mistake. Turns out, he is an alcoholic and I have been miserable. I want to leave as soon as I get a job. He's deployed until November. It would be best for me to leave while he's away, as he has a tendency to lose his temper. I will file for divorce as soon as he gets back.

Is it stone cold to leave like that? I'm not sure how to communicate this to him. I don't want to increase his stress level while he's deployed...do I tell him just before he comes back? Or what? Our lease is up before he comes back, too, so there is the problem of all his stuff.

[Girl]

Who gives a crap about his feelings? From the looks of your other post, he's at the bottom of the barrel. Leave and don't look back.

[smackie9]

You are saving yourself a possible black eye so don't sweat it. When the lease is up, put his stuff in storage and find a place far away. There's no real good time to say "I'm filing for a divorce". Get your ducks in a row, then file for divorce. Do whatever you have to do to survive, if it means emptying out the bank accounts, then so be it.

[smackie9]

Ummmm is this the same guy you in yer other post? The one that refers to you as a "Great piece of trim"?

[packagedealx3]

While it is well and good to say that he deserves no consideration, you will be the one to live with it if knowing you are leaving causes him to be careless and get killed and perhaps someone else as well. You can take care of business without telling him what you are doing. Get your new place and put his things in storage. I would because I tend to be much nicer than is necessary, plan on paying the storage rental for a month or two after he gets back so that he has time to get his ducks in a row and get a new place without losing his things.

Tell him you have left right before he heads home and you won't have any reason to feel badly about what you have done because there will hopefully be none of the negative consequences of a soldier with his head up his butt.

[smackie9]

While it is well and good to say that he deserves no consideration, you will be the one to live with it if knowing you are leaving causes him to be careless and get killed and perhaps someone else as well. You can take care of business without telling him what you are doing. Get your new place and put his things in storage. I would because I tend to be much nicer than is necessary, plan on paying the storage rental for a month or two after he gets back so that he has time to get his ducks in a row and get a new place without losing his things.

Tell him you have left right before he heads home and you won't have any reason to feel badly about what you have done because there will hopefully be none of the negative consequences of a soldier with his head up his butt.

Read her other post.......it might be worth having his head shot off.

[packagedealx3]

I agree with you that the guy is a total douche, but I know that I would have a problem living with it if I felt at all like the emotional upheaval of my Dear John letter could have caused someone's death.

More importantly, every soldier out there depends on the other one(s) watching his back, so what's he supposed to do if that person has his head up his rear thinking about his wife leaving him? In this type of job, what you do does not only affect the individual, he could wind up taking a lot of his fellows with him if he does something really stupid.

Some people might think it is indicative of a doormat but I generally base my decisions on how I will behave based on what I would wish done to me and without regard for what the person "deserves." A few years back, one of the gals in the neighborhood got pissed at me and cussed me out in my best friend's yard. Then not long after that she hollered some choice words across the street when I stopped to pick up our other mutual friend. She was talking shit as often as possible and my kids were furious but I told them I would beat their butts if I found out they said anything to her or her kids, and she had pretty much gotten her kids in on the deal too. I told my kids that I wasn't stooping to her level of behavior and that people like B are usually their own worst enemies. Now, I can cuss someone out in a heartbeat if I think they are treating someone badly so it wasn't easy holding my tongue.

I couldn't have hoped for a better object lesson for my kids. She and the one gal had been friends for 13 years but between the way she treated me, and my friend having to choose who to invite to things because after 2 years the woman wouldn't let it go, she wound up severing the friendship. Our other friend wound up pretty much doing the same, he just stopped talking to her when she came over. He told me that she had to learn that she couldn't bull doze over everything in life. I tried to be civil and get past it because things were so uncomfortable for my friends but she would never even acknowledge it if I said hello. What my children saw was someone reaping what they sowed as she lost the only two friends she spent much time with.

The OP obviously made a mistake rushing into the relationship and needs to do what is required to take care of herself but she doesn't have to tell him until he is out of harm's way. I was married to a rat for 14 years so I can fully understand that the thought of someone's demise isn't always sad, on a bad day I wouldn't do something that I know could produce tragic results.