threw ex under the bus.....

[slimjim]

my ex of 3 weeks now was married 4 times previously, twice to the same guy. she was a cheater during one of her marriages, her justification being that her husband wouldnt have with her.


so after about 1 1/2 years of dating, she threw me under the bus for some guy at church. she is a preacher's kid, and i am just learning of all the pent-up guilt and crap associated with that........so she justifies it by saying i am not a christian, etc, (which i am, just not a hard core bible thumper but i do believe). i did go to church with her when she could go--we both travel alot.

so she get s up with bible boy, it doesnt work out ,and she comes back. she basically guilts me back with her teenage daughter, who is runninng wild and acting crazy, and i seem to be the only one she listens to. so between jobs, i go up there and run her house--she has to travel a lot for work as she is a sales person.

things go well until about 3 weeks ago---of course she is all about forgiveness when its her to be forgiven, and i go that route and try my best. but now my trust is not 100% like it was before.

i felt she did try her best to accomodate my fears, she quit that church because bible boy was there and was always trying to meet with her....he did this over a DUI that he was in, with her in the car with him during their"dating period" that she initially lied to me about....she said she hadnt gone out with him when he got pulled over.....so he was using "legal" meetings to have lunch with her.


i found out and we had it out, and she promised to completely break it with him--no contact. i wanted to do it and tell him in noo uncertain terms and quote some of my sea going bible verses at him so it would be clear in his head, but she begged me not to.

so now things are going great, and she is having a church pang, guilt about is virtually living together because i live 3 hours away. she is pushing marriage, we are great together, yada yada. i am inclined to do this, like a friggin idiot, but still dont trust her and caught up in the moment so as not to hurt her.....

so i go on a trip for about 3 weeks--yacht delivery to carribean--and during this time, i found out she goes back to that church, sees bible boy, he starts up again with hi slonely hearts mail and impending divorce, and wanting to meet and talk. i had a friend get into her mail to find this---my gut told me she wanst being honest, and i take this stuff very seriously and you have to find the real truth. i am not going to get burned by someone with her reputation.

. now here is a woman that wants to marrry me, and she secretly wants to lend this guy money, her EX, and they will keep that "their secret". i confront her, she initially lies, and said they never met, etc. show her the evidence, and she says she is merely helping a friend......


so what do you think?? how can anyone justify a committed relationship while keeping secrets like this from their SO? am i wrong in this??? how can she not think that lending this broke idiot (broke incidently because of HIS divorce--gee, see how that church crap is working out for both of them...)

what if i would have married this beyotch and then found this out later, when months ago we had this out about this guy and any contact with him?

thanks for your views. i threw her under the bus this time and backed over her, and its done and i am moving on....just looking for other opinions as to if i am too touchy or dis-trusting.

thanks guys.

[eightball61]

All i needed for info. here was reading the first and last paragraphs..lol I dont even know this girl and knew from the start she was trouble. You were blinded by love and is natural. The best you can do is learn from your decisions and try to move one. Trust me there was no loss here.

[smackie9]

All you had to say was guilt and church. She's messed up......best of luck to her and her f u c k ed up life.

[Rich]

You did the right thing. She was just using you.

[veronaqueen]

She has way too many issues to deal with. If she's willing to lie to you to help an ex out and you don't trust her, then the relationship was already over. Move on and start new with someone who deserves you.

[mariegnc]

Yes, you did the right thing...thank goodness you didn't marry her. My situation is a little the same...I kept taking the cheater back when he made promises to "be good". I'm better off without him and you're better off without her. Hopefully we can both learn from these mistakes and not repeat them in the future.

[slimjim]

thanks to you all.

yes, i feel like i dodged a real bullet here. she continues to try to contact me, and wants to have dinner next week to talk.

with her background, you would think that she would eventually get it. how can she not think that keeping any secrets with an EX from someone you want to marry, is in any way OK? especially after we had a real loud verbal "discussion" about this guy less than 3 months previous, and her contacting him in any way? just like you, Mariegnc, she promised to end all contact with him, but now of course she had to help a friend. this guy was just trying to get back up with her, and she is not that stupid to not know his true intentions. i knew my month trip away would be the undoing of this relationship eventually, and i was right.

knowing her like i do, she is full of pride, and after she continues to be backed into the wall with her lies, even in her own mind, she will eventually admit it and then ask for forgiveness.

plus, on top of everything else, she was a preacher's kid, with all that lifetime of guilt and crap, constantly fanned and inflamed by her bible thumping family.

now the latest thing from her, that she wrote in an email, was "our" mistake was basically . premarital always messes up relationships in God's plan, and she now VOWS to never have again until she is married. yea right. 2 glasses of wine and she would be on the closest door knob. now this is from a 50 year old woman with 3 grown kids, wallowing in a lifetime of guilt. it seems to me that in her mind she uses this to extricate herself from any responsibility as to her actions.

give it another month, and she will be mailing how its all her fault, etc etc. i think there is something pathological going on--with all these marriages and failed relationships, you would think that something different would be done. doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

man , i am glad i am WAY out of there---and i will not be available for dinner!!!ha i think she has a good heart--just a short somewhere in the relationship file. but for me its different this time--an entirely different feeling, and i will not go back.

thanks.

[justme123]

All you had to say was guilt and church. She's messed up......best of luck to her and her f u c k ed up life.
omg i hope you read my thread