There's this guy I need BIG help on *long* [Archive]

View Full Version : There's this guy I need BIG help on *long*

Taegun

04-21-2005, 05:12 PM

Okay, this is a long story. I'll put a summary at the bottom but to really understand it you need to read all of it otherwise it sounds stupid. Thanks!

Right. So, about six months ago I broke up with a long term boyfriend. We'd been together just over a year but I didn't feel the same anymore. At the time I'd been thinking about doing it for about a month and a friend of mine called Josh was being really supportive. I didn't know him too well but we started to become better friends what with all the time he was comforting me and giving me advice.

So after I break up with the boyfriend I'm all emotional and crying and I call Josh and end up going round to his so that he can talk me down and all that. It starts off normal and he calms me down and its all good, but at one point we end up lying on his bed with him cuddling me and we end up kissing.
Then two days later I go round his again and we sleep together. I wasn't a virgin but he was only my second ual partner after my last boyfriend. It wasn't amazing but it was nice and he was really attentive.
He sort of said in the first few weeks that he didn't want a relationship but it didn't really cut much ice with me. I sort of assumed that thats just what you say when you start on a friend relationship, which we seemed to be. So I never dreamed he meant it as a serious warning.

We kept sleeping together a couple of times a week. We have the same classes so we'd just go back to his house after school and and then watch a film or something. After a while I was fairly certain I liked him in a more than friends way but he never showed any signs of feeling the same. In the last two months though I've become certain that I love him, and things have started coming to a head.

About a month ago I had a party and at the party I told him that I was crazy about him. He just said 'I know' and I took that to mean he didn't feel the same. But a couple of weeks later he and a friend of his were hanging out at his. The three of us had had a threesome together before so when his friend started kissing me and touching me up I didn't think Josh would mind. Me and the friend ended up having on the floor while my guy lay on the bed. He was acting really nasty just before and I found why a bit after. When his friend was done with me Josh pulled me up onto the bed and hugged me and started kissing me and started telling me he was crazy about me too and he didn't want another guy to touch me ever again. I was overjoyed. He was really drunk at the time but I didn't think at the time that he might be making it up. He sounded so upset that I'd got with his friend, he kept saying he didn't want another man to touch me.

But things have got worse. A little while after that we were talking and he said that although he really likes me, he doesn't want a girlfriend at the moment and he doesn't want to be with me even though he likes being with me. That made me really upset and a few days later when we were at the pub celebrating a friends birthday I flirted a lot with his friend who I slept with that night, knowing that he was watching and must be hurt by it. He got drunk and wrote 'Josh's property' on my hand and drew a heart next to it but at the time I was too annoyed about him saying he never wanted to be with me to look at it the right way. Afterwards we argued a bit about me flirting with his friend just to hurt him.

The worst stuff is happening right now. He's just goen to america for three weeks so I can't talk to him for a while and just before he went we had a big talk about him not wanting to be with me. It hurts me a lot that he can say all in the same breath that he's crazy about me but he doesn't want me to be with him. I asked him the day before he was going away if he'd make the same promise that I did, to not let another person touch me, and he got all stressed and started going on about how it sounded too much like a relationship. His reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship are that in five months we both go away to university so there's no point, and also he really dislikes commitment, and expressing his emotions. I need him to tell me how he feels about me because he's never really expressed that sort of thing outside of being completely hammered. But he just says he doesn't see why he should have to change if he himself doesn't mind how he is.

He went away yesterday and I miss him. The is great and when we're in good moods with each other its great. Its only when I try and talk about more serious stuff that it goes downhill. I thought maybe I could get him round to seeing that we should be together, we do a lot of stuff together but he won't change his mind or change his habit of never telling me how he feels either, even though he knows it makes me unhappy.
All day today I've been thinking about scenarios where I break it off with him. Where I go to him and say 'I don't think we should see each other anymore'. It breaks my heart because I love him so much but he breaks my heart too, and hurts me with what he says to me. I feel like I can't be worth very much to him if he's not willing to change a little or at least try being with me for real.

I don't know what to do. Logic says leave because he hurts me so much, but my heart wants to stay and just make the most of the last five months I have with him even if it isn't perfect. What do I do?

Summary - I'm in love with a guy who started out as a friend and who claims to like me back but is being a jerk and says he doesn't a girlfriend at all the moment - I don't know whether to leave him for messng me around or not.

eightball61

04-21-2005, 05:30 PM

I don't know what to do. Logic says leave because he hurts me so much, but my heart wants to stay and just make the most of the last five months I have with him even if it isn't perfect. What do I do?

.

Your problem is that you are staying with him thinking he will change his mind and want a relationship. You allowed yourself to get emotionally attached in a situation that was only meant to be for fun. He clearly doesn't want a girlfriend and or any type of relationship at this time. He has told you multiple times but for some reason you are not allowing yourself to hear the trueth.

You are somewhat coming to your senses...You finally realize that he hurts you and its not worth it. What you need to do next is work on your feelings and try to detach from the situation. The first step to this is to stop the . The is great and is fun but its not helping your feelings out. You need to figure out for yourself that this really means to you.

Your only choices are:
1. Accept that he is in it just for
or
2. You can leave now to start a real relationship with a partner that will share his heart with you.

Rich

04-21-2005, 05:35 PM

To summarize......

You and this guy are friends.

You said that he was your second. But then you've had threesomes, so you've had more. And technically, I don't think it's a threesome if the third party doesn't participate. You were just ing his friend with him watching. That's voyeurism.

He's been honest with his feelings in that he doesn't want a "girlfriend" or anything more than what you two are now.

The only time that he's told you that he loves you and doesn't want another man to touch you was when he was drunk and just after watching you have with his friend on the floor next to his bed.

You're both young and will be going away to college in 5 months.

You haven't had many relationships.

Did I miss anything?

What to do, what to do.

Obviously if you want a boyfriend, boyfriend, that this guy isn't going to be it. If you want a boyfriend then look for someone else.

Your friend has been honest and he is right. With both of you going off to college the chances of a relationship lasting between you two is slim and none. That's the truth of the matter.

My advice to you is to not worry about getting locked into a serious relationship with someone for the next 4-6 years. Go to school and have fun. Meet many guys and experience different personalities. Get to know yourself. What you like, don't like. Turn on's and turn off's. Things that are acceptable in a boyfriend and things that you won't settle for.

The most important thing is to get to know you and to answer all the questions and urges that YOU might have. Get out of your system now and in the next few years what you might look back upon and wish that you'd have done.

Rich

CalistaClap

04-21-2005, 05:49 PM

He's telling you over and over that he DOESN"T want a relationship. Believe him, he is not making this up.

When he gets drunk he becomes sappy and lovey dovey. Alot of people do this. This is the alcohol speaking, not the truth coming out.

You've spelt with his friend, while he was in the room. This isn't a good start off IF you WERE to ever have a relationship.

He is obviously in it just for the . THe problem is (and this is usually the problem in casual relationships) that one person (you) is attached, where the other person (him) isn't.

You can only do one of 3 things.
1) End things between you. Don't let him use you for and nothing else. Yes it will sting for awhile, but eventaully you will find someone that wants to BE WITH you. Make sure this someone new ISN'T just someone you are using to trying to hurt him with. No trying to get digs on him anymore.

2) Continue on with being friends until school, and accept that NOTHING more will EVER come out it. No more trying to change his mind, or trying to get him to "see the light" or your side of things. It's not going to happen.

3) Keep things the exact same way things are now, and continue being hurt when he rejects anything more.

I would suggest you go with #1. And if you do, stop trying to do things infront of him to make him jealous. If you are cutting off any relationship ties, then it shouldn't matter what he thinks, or if he is jealous or not. Start fresh with someone else.

Taegun

04-21-2005, 08:12 PM

You and this guy are friends.

Were. He's said a few times though when he's not pissed that I mean a lot to him, we're agreed that we both like each other as more than friends.

You said that he was your second. But then you've had threesomes, so you've had more. And technically, I don't think it's a threesome if the third party doesn't participate. You were just ing his friend with him watching. That's voyeurism.

Ah, I should have made that clearer :) he's the second guy I ever slept with but I've had a different boyfriend at one point when we tried to stop being together for a while because we were in a play and we had no time for each other, and we did have a threesome with his friend before the night where he watched.

Your friend has been honest and he is right. With both of you going off to college the chances of a relationship lasting between you two is slim and none. That's the truth of the matter.

Thats sort of the problem though, I'm not bothered about it lasting past us going to uni, I know it'd be stupid to hope it could with the distance and all, but my view is that we should make the most of the time we do have together rather than taking the 'whats the point' side, you know?

I don't want a mega-serious full on relationship with him. I just want us to be together for the rest of the time we have together. He's told me when he's not pissed that I do mean a lot to him, that he wants to see me... its not that he has no feelings for me, its just that he acts like there's no point in doing anything together just because its not going to be a forever thing. I know its not.

Oh well. If you guys really think leaving him is the best thing to do then I guess thats what I need to do.
Its hard though, you know? Because when its good, and we're happy and everything's nice.... then its great, and lovely, and I could go on forever like that. Still, if its worse when its bad...

eightball61

04-21-2005, 08:31 PM

Oh well. If you guys really think leaving him is the best thing to do then I guess thats what I need to do. .

Its going to be hard if you stay with him and it will be hard if you leave him. We want you to have fun and enjoy your college years but we also don't want to see you hurt over something that you can avoid. If you are looking for fun then you need to be happy at the same time. You are not getting happiness here because you are attached to him a way he is not attach to you. Our intentions here is to help you seek the happiness that you need and are looking for.

Taegun

04-21-2005, 08:35 PM

Its going to be hard if you stay with him and it will be hard if you leave him. We want you to have fun and enjoy your college years but we also don't want to see you hurt over something that you can avoid. If you are looking for fun then you need to be happy at the same time. You are not getting happiness here because you are attached to him a way he is not attach to you. Our intentions here is to help you seek the happiness that you need and are looking for.

Its going to be so difficult though :( there's all reasons I keep telling myself to stay with him. Like... my exams are coming up, my final a-level exams, and if I leave him now it might affect my work cos I'll be unhappy all the time, whereas if I stay I'll at least be happy most of the time. And the fact that when I just leave all the serious stuff alone we're so good together... and I don't want to lose the good times, you know? :( its not just the thats good, being with him, hanging out... if we're not talking about us as a serious thing then its so wonderful.

And the worst thing that scares me is he's also become my best friend. I have good friends besides him but he's always been the one I'd go to when I was upset, but I'm so scared cos if I leave him I can't go to him and there won't be anyone else around. I don't make close friends easily but just having him to talk to was always enough.

eightball61

04-21-2005, 08:50 PM

whereas if I stay I'll at least be happy most of the time. .
.

How is it that you say you'll be happy with him when you are not happy right now? You have to get it out of you head that you are not with him...the only thing that you both are is partners....Thats it!!!

Lets turn things around a little here:

What about him? Have you given thought yet to how much you actually mean to him?

You are putting a lot of denication to something that isn't there. All you are doing is setting up for yourself to get hurt really bad. If you like then keep up to it but you'll have to learn to accept the partnership as it is.

Taegun

04-21-2005, 08:56 PM

How is it that you say you'll be happy with him when you are not happy right now? You have to get it out of you head that you are not with him...the only thing that you both are is partners....Thats it!!!

But thats what I'm trying to say, its not that he has no feelings for me at all, because he's said he has, and he's said he doesn't want to stop seeing me ever, its just the whole 'not wanting to be in a relationship' bit that hurts me because it feels like he's saying I'm not worth the effort. He keeps saying its not about how he feels about me, its just that he doesn't like commitment at all and he doesn't see the point if we've only got five months till uni.

He wants me and likes me enough, we're closer than just partners, its just frustrating that he doesn't seem to feel I'm worth making the effort of a relationship for.

eightball61

04-21-2005, 09:36 PM

He wants me and likes me enough, we're closer than just partners, its just frustrating that he doesn't seem to feel I'm worth making the effort of a relationship for.

I am going with my gut on this one since I am a guy but I'll be willing to bet he is filling your head with all garbage but to keep you as his side dish. There are many men that are known for doing this and there are many women that fall for it. If you are shaking your head right now and saying in your head "No, its not like that" then can you please explain to me why he is not your boyfriend then?

Taegun

04-22-2005, 07:03 AM

then can you please explain to me why he is not your boyfriend then?

:( To quote him? Because he doesn't like commitment and there's no point in starting to get into something five months before we go away to uni, and plus he thinks I'll start expecting more from him if we were going out.

Personally.... because I'm too scared to say to him that if he really likes me then he should be with me or not see me at all. I'm too afraid that if I ask him to choose between having me completely or not at all, he'll choose not at all, because its easier for him.

eightball61

04-22-2005, 11:28 AM

CalistaClap

04-22-2005, 01:45 PM

:( To quote him? Because he doesn't like commitment and there's no point in starting to get into something five months before we go away to uni, and plus he thinks I'll start expecting more from him if we were going out.

Personally.... because I'm too scared to say to him that if he really likes me then he should be with me or not see me at all. I'm too afraid that if I ask him to choose between having me completely or not at all, he'll choose not at all, because its easier for him.

He's telling you that he doesn't like committment, and he doesnt want to be your b/f. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to commit to you?

I know in your head you are picturing that the two of you would work out really well, and have alot of fun together. Of course you are. It's your imagination, and you can control how things go in your imagination. You seem like you've convinced yourself of this.

The problem is, He has a mind of his own. He does not disire to be your boyfriend. No matter how wonderful you think it could be in your mind, he thinks something completely different. HIs mind isn't working like yours.

It takes two people wanting to be together, to actually be together. This isn't the case in this situation.

You said that it hurts so much now that you aren't together, but it won't bother you when you go to Univ. Think about that. If you were together, you would have 5 months of getting more attached and "in love". It would be 10 times more harder to accept not being together then it would now. Obviously that's alot because it seems to be hurting you alot right now.

Your afraid to ask him to choose, because deep down inside, you know his answer will be no. Don't do this to yourself. He's told you over and over that he doesn't want to be a couple.

It's time that you beleived what he is actually telling you, instead of thinking that he is trying to hide the "truth" from you. 99% of guys tell you what they want. It's usually us girls that play the hard to get thing. He doesn't want to be a couple. There isn't anything you can do to change his mind.

He may like you more than a friend, but obviously it isn't enough to make him want to be with you. If he felt the same as you, he should be jumping all over the chance to be your b/f. He isn't. Don't you see that?

Sorry to put it so bluntly, but he has told you want he wants.

Rich

04-22-2005, 03:18 PM

He might very well like you a lot and think very highly of you. I think he might just be protecting himself from falling for you and developing "deeper" feelings than exist now.

He knows that you're both going away and that if you did fall for each other now, that there would just be hurt when you broke up.

His view is that the further he stay from you now, the less hurt later.

You want to continue hanging together up until you leave, but maybe he knows that he'll just fall for you more and would rather not.

At this point, take what you can get and be happy with whatever that is.

Rich

Taegun

04-22-2005, 05:23 PM

At this point, take what you can get and be happy with whatever that is.

Thats pretty much what I've decided to do :) I've been thinking about it a lot and whatever happens, we're still going to end up parting in some way, be it to university or just in general, so I'm going to make the most of the way we are now. I'll still get to be with him, hang around with him and keep the good times, but I won't mention anything more serious or make a big deal out of 'us' anymore. If he asks, its all fine :)

It might sound like a stupid idea but the way I see it, I'm going to end up without him either way so I'd rather have these last five months with him even if its not completely perfect :) I think I can live with another few months of just being as we are.

One question though. His friend has been flirting with me a lot recently. I've got no intention of using him to spite Josh or sleeping with him just because I can again, but if something develops between us and Josh acts jealous about it, what do I do? Cos in my head I was thinking I'd be pretty angry that he was getting all possessive like he's done before when he doesn't want to commit to me but is that an okay reaction or if it happens should I be more sympathetic?!

CalistaClap

04-22-2005, 05:44 PM

You've got to choose which you want.

You seem to be going in 2 directions here.

1) you love Josh, and want to be with him, but he doesn't want that, so you have decided to stay the way things are, more then friends, but with no actual "label" because you will take what you can get from him.

2) you are interested in his friend, and thinking that something might happen.

You've got to choose which one you want. If seeing Josh, then do that. But nothing with his friend. That will cause problems between the two of them.

If the other guy, then cut all romantic ties with Josh. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

Your younge, and getting ready to go to univ. Don't focus all of your attention and time on which guy to be with. There are so many other things you could be doing enjoying your senior year.

The last thing I think you should do is fool around with 2 guys who are friends. Friendship is so much more valuable then flings and un-serious girlfriends. Don't risk them loosing their friendship over you.

Taegun

04-22-2005, 05:50 PM

2) you are interested in his friend, and thinking that something might happen.

Lol, okay, I should explain this as well.

I dated his friend once before when we were on a break from being together because we were busy with other stuff. Things didn't work out relationshipwise between me and this guy because we wound each other up too much but we still get on great now that we're more relaxed and not 'together'. I still find him really attractive and I know he finds me the same so there's the possibility that we might kiss or something on a night out. From past experience I know that Josh is really jealous about this, although his friend doesn't seem to mind whether Josh minds or not (he's one of the few people who knows me and Josh are still sleeping together). The thing is though, after how Josh has been recently with all the 'never wanting to be with me' I'm not so sure he has any right to get all jealous and angry. If he wanted to keep me to himself then he should be with me, right?
So do you guys reckon if his friend kissed me or something then it'd be okay to go with it? I don't want to hurt Josh but then its not like he can really tell me to stay true to him. I don't want a relationship with the other guy and he doesn't want one either but like I said, there's still an attraction.

eightball61

04-22-2005, 05:57 PM

It might sound like a stupid idea but the way I see it, I'm going to end up without him either way so I'd rather have these last five months with him even if its not completely perfect :) I think I can live with another few months of just being as we are.

You seem to have it planned out on what you want. You need to take that plan and build off from it. You will have to learn to set the emotional attachment off to the side because no relationship is going to come out of this. Have fun what you are doing for the next five months and then see where the end of the year brings you.

As for your other question, there is not to much to worry about on the other guy. If Josh got jealous over this then he has to put up with it because it was his lost on you having you as a girlfriend. You both are just having fun and thats it. There is no point in him getting mad when he can go out and do the same thing. You both are not a couple and therefor you are free to do whatever. You are not tied down so you can go out and seek whats out there for you.

Taegun

04-22-2005, 06:04 PM

As for your other question, there is not to much to worry about on the other guy. If Josh got jealous over this then he has to put up with it because it was his lost on you having you as a girlfriend.

Thanks, thats pretty much what I was thinking :) I'm not his girlfriend and he doesn't want me to be so I'm not going to let him regulate who else I have a good time with.

As for the other part, yeah, I know I've got to start emotionally detatching. Its probably not going to be a complete success, I can hardly see him every other day and not still feel something more for him, but I can live with that. It'll be easier as well, leaving him at a time when I have to and will be miles away at uni, than doing it now when he's half an hours walk away (or will be when he gets home from florida!).
Thanks for all the advice. It really helped me get to this stage of thinking. I've just got to see how things go when he gets home now!

eightball61

04-22-2005, 06:09 PM

You are welcome.... ;) I am fine by your decision but as we brought up the emotional part will be the hardest. If you find it to hard then just stop what you are doing because its going to be so hard when you all leave in 5 months. I am just trying to get you to realize that you may not be able to seperate this feeling now that you have it. The best you can do is try and if it don't work out then seek an alternate route.

Taegun

04-22-2005, 06:17 PM

I know its going be difficult but like I said, it'll be that much easier to have to not see him when I go to university. I'll be living on campus, a train ride and long walk away from home, whereas at the moment he's only so far away :) I expect when I go away I'll mope around for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks tops, cry myself stupid a few times, sniffle and look pathetic a lot, and then I'll start to get involved with uni and I won't have time to think about him, but at the moment my exams are just before the summer holidays and I'd just be sitting around at home or at work being a till girl thinking about him. Its going to be hard no matter when it happens, but it'll be easier to start healing if I'm farther away and can't do anything about it, you know?

eightball61

04-22-2005, 06:46 PM

At least you see what may happen I am fine with my efforts. ;) This is your decision and I do respect it a bunch. All you can do it try it out and wait to see what happens. Its not the end of the world and you know that. You will eventually will be able to move on.....I do wish you luck :)

Taegun

04-22-2005, 06:49 PM

Thank you :) thanks for being so understanding when I don't even know you or anything. I just seem to have terrible taste in men at the moment!

Its a shame he doesn't feel the same way though because if he did I could really be happy with him :) he's exactly what I want from a guy except for his weird commitment problems! Doesn't that just suck? Lol :)

eightball61

04-22-2005, 06:54 PM

It doesn't....just finish school, get yourself settled, then settle for a real relationship...in the mean time have fun.

Taegun

04-22-2005, 06:57 PM

Lol, whats stupid is, everyones like 'have fun, you're young' but I'm actually really maternal and stuff.... all I actually want from life is to settle down with a husband and a nice house and have a baby and spend my free time writing :) I don't even want to be a modern woman at all.

Like I'm ever going to meet a guy my age who'd be like that :)

eightball61

04-22-2005, 07:07 PM

Like I'm ever going to meet a guy my age who'd be like that :)

You just did but I am taken :D My point is there are many guys out there that are looking to settle. You need to just take your time into a relationship and see what that person is all about before you give up to much to them.

Taegun

04-22-2005, 07:09 PM

Damn ;) just my luck, the good ones are always taken!

Howard

04-22-2005, 07:13 PM

Damn ;) just my luck, the good ones are always taken!

You could take me on the weekdays and my girlfriend could have me on the weekends. ;)

eightball61

04-22-2005, 07:17 PM

Damn ;) just my luck, the good ones are always taken!

There are others out there hun....Be patient and allow one to come your way ;)

Taegun

04-22-2005, 07:17 PM

Lol! :D I'm not sure she'd be very happy about that Howard....

Taegun

04-22-2005, 07:19 PM

There are others out there hun....Be patient and allow one to come your way ;)

I sure hope you're right :) waiting is no fun!

Howard

04-22-2005, 07:29 PM

Lol! :D I'm not sure she'd be very happy about that Howard....

Who's she that you're referring to? :confused:

eightball61

04-22-2005, 07:38 PM

I sure hope you're right :) waiting is no fun!

Waiting is not fun but its better than trying to force something that wont happen.