dudedude
04-19-2010, 10:29 PM
Well I finally cracked and am looking for advice on the internet. I know I'm not going to get the answers I want to hear but I need to hear them. Here's my situation:
I've known this girl for about 4 years now, and we've on/off dated for that entire time. Every time we've broken up it's always been on good terms and we've always remained friends afterwards...basically it never works because we've never actually lived in the same town as one another. We're actually from the same city but I met her during one of my visits home once I had already moved away. I'd say during that time we talk on the phone ATLEAST once a month, but usually quite a bit more often.
Fastforwarding a bit here. I finally moved back to town, we weren't together at this point but it was getting to be that way with the amount of time we were spending together (never had though). Unfortunately I had made the decision to join the military and wouldn't be around for much longer. Though we weren't together she always told me she didn't want me to go, but I did anyways because I needed to do it for myself. I should mention if one thing was going to stop me from going it was her. I wanted to be with her but she said "there's nothing for us until you're out of the military and moved back home". She didn't want to do long distance again...understandably. I left just after xmas 2008.
Fastforwarding again. I'm back home for Xmas 2009 leave. We had still talked frequently the entire time I was gone even though she had been in relationships during that time (I dont know how many). My intentions were clear throughout, she knew I wanted to be with her but she held her ground on not wanting to be with me until I was home even though there was feelings. So I come home for Xmas and she admits to me she has a boyfriend (I don't know of how long) and asks if I'm angry? Obviously I say no, it's not my place to be angry, I don't own her. Either way she breaks up within 2-3 days of my arrival and we hang out everyday. This is where it all gets complicated...
She's super flirty with me, just like any time in the past, but any time I flirt back and try to kiss her or try to take it up a notch she stops and wont. This is obviously very frustrating to me, so I confront her, she wont give a straight answer, she also wont have with me. Ok whatever I guess. So one day she goes thru my phone when I leave the room and she sees very suggesting texts with a different girl. The text from me to this other girl was basically saying I wanted to have with her. A bit of time went on (an hour), she was clearly distraught but denied anything, then finally cracked. She couldn't believe I had done that and she basically poured her heart out to me. Saying she tries to forget about me but cant, how shes always had feelings for me, this that and the other thing...basically confessed her love for me. This kind of hit me hard too, I felt like a piece of crap cause I didnt mean to hurt her, but she had never actually told me any of this before. So at this point I basically pour my heart out back and ask her why she wont sleep with me but gets upset when I want to with someone else. And it's cause she's "scared of feelings coming back"...which they obviously already had. Moving on, we pretty much spend the entire time I'm back together. We snowboard together, get pictures with Santa, have sleepovers, get lunches together, and yes she eventually gives in and has on one of my last nights there. Still stands her ground on no relationship until I'm back tho.
I leave shortly after new years and we continue talking pretty much every day...I guess were 'seeing' each other now? So she keeps saying how depressed she is with her life, how there's nothing there for her anymore (her family had moved away and she stayed behind), and she needed a change. She talked about maybe travelling around for a year or something. I suggested she move in with me where I am. Didn't expect much of a response from her but she thought it was a great idea. In her words "she wants to be with me and is ready to make it happen" or something like that. She starts finding places for us to live, this that and the other thing. I'm ready too.
So basically I come home for one more visit before I get deployed overseas, she's obviously not very happy about me getting deployed but whatever. I come home, it's a great time. I'm only going to be gone for 4ish months, and actually right after I had left from my visit she was going on a little trip of her own for a couple weeks. Once I got back from my deployment, shes was going move and everything was going to work out. At this point we are definitely together, no 2 ways about it. I leave, get deployed, she leaves on her trip. So a couple weeks later were talking on the computer, I'm now on the other side of the world and shes back home from her trip, so I'm asking her how it was....she says "about that....". Apparently this trip opened her eyes to a different world and she no longer wants to move in with me. She wants to stay put and save up and travel for a year ALONE. She needs to find out who she is and gain independence (in her words). I was obviously super hurt cause I was ready to be with this girl. During our talks afterwards she said she was so in love with me and the decision had nothing to do with me, it's something she needs to do for herself. So I ask what's going to become of us until the time comes when she actually leaves, and she said "she just doesnt know". How could there be so many mixed signals over a course of like 2-3 emails? Either way I've kinda come to terms with it, she needs to do this and I cant stop her, just like I had to join the military and she couldnt stop me.
Now we're up to speed and at the point where I'm at now. I'm still here (not for much longer), and we still talk about every week. Unfortunately she's not prioritizing me quite like before. She replies to emails less and less frequently and her replies seem like shes distancing herself from me. She doesn't put any of that lovey dovey stuff in her replies anymore regardless of whether I do or not. She said she was going to send me a carepackage, but I eventually told her not to bother cause it wouldn't get here in time. She said she just couldn't find the time to get to the post office while they were open. I know her work hours and there is plenty of time. She obviously just didn't give enough of a crap to make the effort. I can't even remember the last time she said she misses me....
So I'm lost, and super confused. This girl and I have both poured our hearts out to each other. We've both had feelings for each other for sooo long. Our families love each other. We both know we could spend the rest of our lives together and we've talked it and about having kids/getting married NUMEROUS times. The feelings are mutually genuine, atleast I think they are. Her friends are always telling me that "she still loves me".
As much as I'd like to think there's not....could there be another guy?
Why is she acting the way she is?
Is she trying to suppress her feelings for me yet again?
Have I become that dude on the 'backburner' so to speak?
Should everything that happened at xmas just be disregarded because it tends to be an over-emotional time of year for everyone?
This is what I think. She does love me and does want to be with me, but just wants to get out there and experience life a bit more as a single girl before getting into any serious relationship...because given our past a relationship between us would most likely be a long/healthy one. She probably doesn't want to be with me before she leaves because it will make actually leaving more difficult for her. She told me that this is something she is doing no matter what, but she hopes that when its over and she comes home that I'll be waiting for her, and if I'm not "then it wasn't meant to be". I think I just need to take a step back and let her see who/what really matters to her. She's told me during xmas that I'm her bestfriend. We always have a great time together with lots of laughs so I'm hoping she realizes that I am someone who matters to her.
I just need a little help making sense of all this, especially of her intentions. If there's anything that needs clarification I can gladly do so.
btw we are both mature adults aged 20-25, not naive teens just out of highschool. Thank you.
I've known this girl for about 4 years now, and we've on/off dated for that entire time. Every time we've broken up it's always been on good terms and we've always remained friends afterwards...basically it never works because we've never actually lived in the same town as one another. We're actually from the same city but I met her during one of my visits home once I had already moved away. I'd say during that time we talk on the phone ATLEAST once a month, but usually quite a bit more often.
Fastforwarding a bit here. I finally moved back to town, we weren't together at this point but it was getting to be that way with the amount of time we were spending together (never had though). Unfortunately I had made the decision to join the military and wouldn't be around for much longer. Though we weren't together she always told me she didn't want me to go, but I did anyways because I needed to do it for myself. I should mention if one thing was going to stop me from going it was her. I wanted to be with her but she said "there's nothing for us until you're out of the military and moved back home". She didn't want to do long distance again...understandably. I left just after xmas 2008.
Fastforwarding again. I'm back home for Xmas 2009 leave. We had still talked frequently the entire time I was gone even though she had been in relationships during that time (I dont know how many). My intentions were clear throughout, she knew I wanted to be with her but she held her ground on not wanting to be with me until I was home even though there was feelings. So I come home for Xmas and she admits to me she has a boyfriend (I don't know of how long) and asks if I'm angry? Obviously I say no, it's not my place to be angry, I don't own her. Either way she breaks up within 2-3 days of my arrival and we hang out everyday. This is where it all gets complicated...
She's super flirty with me, just like any time in the past, but any time I flirt back and try to kiss her or try to take it up a notch she stops and wont. This is obviously very frustrating to me, so I confront her, she wont give a straight answer, she also wont have with me. Ok whatever I guess. So one day she goes thru my phone when I leave the room and she sees very suggesting texts with a different girl. The text from me to this other girl was basically saying I wanted to have with her. A bit of time went on (an hour), she was clearly distraught but denied anything, then finally cracked. She couldn't believe I had done that and she basically poured her heart out to me. Saying she tries to forget about me but cant, how shes always had feelings for me, this that and the other thing...basically confessed her love for me. This kind of hit me hard too, I felt like a piece of crap cause I didnt mean to hurt her, but she had never actually told me any of this before. So at this point I basically pour my heart out back and ask her why she wont sleep with me but gets upset when I want to with someone else. And it's cause she's "scared of feelings coming back"...which they obviously already had. Moving on, we pretty much spend the entire time I'm back together. We snowboard together, get pictures with Santa, have sleepovers, get lunches together, and yes she eventually gives in and has on one of my last nights there. Still stands her ground on no relationship until I'm back tho.
I leave shortly after new years and we continue talking pretty much every day...I guess were 'seeing' each other now? So she keeps saying how depressed she is with her life, how there's nothing there for her anymore (her family had moved away and she stayed behind), and she needed a change. She talked about maybe travelling around for a year or something. I suggested she move in with me where I am. Didn't expect much of a response from her but she thought it was a great idea. In her words "she wants to be with me and is ready to make it happen" or something like that. She starts finding places for us to live, this that and the other thing. I'm ready too.
So basically I come home for one more visit before I get deployed overseas, she's obviously not very happy about me getting deployed but whatever. I come home, it's a great time. I'm only going to be gone for 4ish months, and actually right after I had left from my visit she was going on a little trip of her own for a couple weeks. Once I got back from my deployment, shes was going move and everything was going to work out. At this point we are definitely together, no 2 ways about it. I leave, get deployed, she leaves on her trip. So a couple weeks later were talking on the computer, I'm now on the other side of the world and shes back home from her trip, so I'm asking her how it was....she says "about that....". Apparently this trip opened her eyes to a different world and she no longer wants to move in with me. She wants to stay put and save up and travel for a year ALONE. She needs to find out who she is and gain independence (in her words). I was obviously super hurt cause I was ready to be with this girl. During our talks afterwards she said she was so in love with me and the decision had nothing to do with me, it's something she needs to do for herself. So I ask what's going to become of us until the time comes when she actually leaves, and she said "she just doesnt know". How could there be so many mixed signals over a course of like 2-3 emails? Either way I've kinda come to terms with it, she needs to do this and I cant stop her, just like I had to join the military and she couldnt stop me.
Now we're up to speed and at the point where I'm at now. I'm still here (not for much longer), and we still talk about every week. Unfortunately she's not prioritizing me quite like before. She replies to emails less and less frequently and her replies seem like shes distancing herself from me. She doesn't put any of that lovey dovey stuff in her replies anymore regardless of whether I do or not. She said she was going to send me a carepackage, but I eventually told her not to bother cause it wouldn't get here in time. She said she just couldn't find the time to get to the post office while they were open. I know her work hours and there is plenty of time. She obviously just didn't give enough of a crap to make the effort. I can't even remember the last time she said she misses me....
So I'm lost, and super confused. This girl and I have both poured our hearts out to each other. We've both had feelings for each other for sooo long. Our families love each other. We both know we could spend the rest of our lives together and we've talked it and about having kids/getting married NUMEROUS times. The feelings are mutually genuine, atleast I think they are. Her friends are always telling me that "she still loves me".
As much as I'd like to think there's not....could there be another guy?
Why is she acting the way she is?
Is she trying to suppress her feelings for me yet again?
Have I become that dude on the 'backburner' so to speak?
Should everything that happened at xmas just be disregarded because it tends to be an over-emotional time of year for everyone?
This is what I think. She does love me and does want to be with me, but just wants to get out there and experience life a bit more as a single girl before getting into any serious relationship...because given our past a relationship between us would most likely be a long/healthy one. She probably doesn't want to be with me before she leaves because it will make actually leaving more difficult for her. She told me that this is something she is doing no matter what, but she hopes that when its over and she comes home that I'll be waiting for her, and if I'm not "then it wasn't meant to be". I think I just need to take a step back and let her see who/what really matters to her. She's told me during xmas that I'm her bestfriend. We always have a great time together with lots of laughs so I'm hoping she realizes that I am someone who matters to her.
I just need a little help making sense of all this, especially of her intentions. If there's anything that needs clarification I can gladly do so.
btw we are both mature adults aged 20-25, not naive teens just out of highschool. Thank you.