is this cheating?

[AlexCrystal]

Okay, My boyfriend and I met 6 months ago on match.com. Although he lives in Flordia and I in South Carolina, we see each other every 2 weeks. We both say we love each other. He's 24, I'm 27.
Well, I just recently noticed he has a profile up on Yahoo personals. He had this profile along with the match.com one as well. (Although, We both took ours off of match.com like a month after we started dating).
On yahoo personals, it will list on the profile how "active" the user is...like if he has visited the website within 24 hrs, days, a month..etc. etc. His said, as of yesterday, he had been active within 24 hours.
I don't know if he's just playin around and it's not a big deal...or wheter it's something much bigger.
Is this cheating? Is this something major enough to break up over? What do you think his intentions are for not taking that profile down?
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease help me!!!! I need advice!!!!!

[eightball61]

I don't think its something major enough to break up with him but you need to bring this to his attention. I really don't know if I consider it cheating or not because we don't know for sure why his profile is still up. He may have never cancled it. :confused: I know with yahoo when you log into thier server your screen name, it will update everything and his profile could have been updated without him even checking it.

As I mention, you may still want to bring this to his attention but dont be suprised if he asks why you were looking in personals....You both are dating and you shouldn't be looking in personals anyway...

Just bring it up to him once you have collected your thoughts and see what he has to say about it. He should have theses profiles deleted since he does have a girlfriend. If you still have your profiles up then you need to do the same. You both have to come to an agreement on what your relationship is and then get rid of these profiles on these single sites.

[AlexCrystal]

Thanks for your advice.......here's a little more detail...
Believe it or not...I do still have my profile active on Yahoo too. (I never knew he had his though until yesterday). I honestly believe he has known all along that I never deleted mine....and the weird thing is, he has never said a word about it to me. I'm not a paying member..but guys can contact me to say hey or try to talk to me. For fun sometimes I'll say hey back or something...but in all honesty, I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend...I really do love him. I just think that a guy and a girl's intentions are so different...that it makes me think that he may have different intentions with having his profile up than me. I wonder why he's never asked me to take it off? I can't imagine that he thinks that I haven't seen his either!!! I don't know why I looked for his yesterday....but sure enough it was there!!! Could this all be innocent on his part?
We are long distance from each other so it makes me worried....although he's never given me any reason up to this point NOT to trust him. (although being long distance I guess he could be doing a lot that I'd never know about). I'm so confused of whether I should let this bother me as much as it has!!!! After all...mine has still been up!!! I'm sooo mad at him about it (but I haven't said anything) because I feel like it's a form of cheating or not being honest...but then what about the fact mine is up!!!!
Jeeze.....thanks so much for you advice!!! It is really such a big help!

[eightball61]

You still need to bring it to his attention and also how you feel about it. You still have your profile and it does makes it all fair. The only thing here is that he never told you about his and thats a trust issue. You need to make an agreement to what you both want and see where the relationship is at. Having these profiles and responding to them is not right in my opion. Thats why I think its best you delete yours and he should do the same to his profiles since you both are no longer single.

[inquisitive]

Well it's not fair to him for you to say he's cheating when your profile is still up, and you respond back to some of the guys that contact you. He has done nothing different than you have. So if it bothers you talk to him and tell him your taking yours down and want him to do the same.

There's really no reason to be mad though, because you've done the same thing!

[Taegun]

Its not cheating unless he's using it to get in contact with other women and see them as well as you, and you haven't said you think he's doing it :) I used to sign up to dating sites if they caught my eye just to meet people and now sometimes I get emails from them and I didn't even remember I had a profile with them, so its possible he'd forgotten all about it until recently and then rediscovered it and just not got around to deleting it. Or maybe he just figures having the profile is no big deal if he's not using it.

Either way its not cheating. If it really bothers you then bring it to his attention and suggest that you both get rid of yours but if you're not so worried then just leave it :) unless you've got reason to believe he's cheating he probably just couldn't be bothered to delete it.

[AlexCrystal]

I don't think he's physically met anyone locally through the site since we've been together....but it's possible he has "chatted" with girls on this website.
I'm not sure how "right" that is or not. He's just always seemed soooooo trust worthy and such a great guy and I've never had reason to doubt him.....so when I saw this I was stunned....sick to my stomach...made me wonder if there is more I don't know. Also, considering I'm 27..out of school...he's 24 (still in law school)....sometimes I think I'm going to get my heart broken with this guy because I don't necessarily think he looks long term...I think he lives for the moment each day...enjoys when we are together....but me, on the other hand...continually wonder if it could lead to marriage or wonder if he thinks our relationship is serious as I do. One thing I do know...without getting into the long story...he has mentioned once before that he doesn't plan on thinking about marriage for at least another 4 years....I assume he wants to get out of school and focus on starting his career. I love him....and don't know whether to run the risk of getting my heart broken down the road because he's only 24....or whether to go with the flow and just see what takes place. I'm not getting any younger and don't want to waste my time on this guy but it would be hard to walk away becuase my emotions are involved now.

[inquisitive]

But you said you sometimes reply to people that send you messages.

For fun sometimes I'll say hey back or something

So why would you be upset if he was doing the same?

[Howard]

Alex,how did it all start on match.com? :confused:

[AlexCrystal]

If he was just doing the same...then I can understand that we both need to stop "chatting"...but what I would be so upset about is the fact he may be doing more than just "saying hey" sometimes. And really, I have no way of knowing how in depth he has gone with his personal profile when it comes to contact he may or may not be having with someone. I know it's a double standard....and I know I'm going to catch Hell when I say this...but I think guys will jump at any chance...even if they have a girlfriend...I wish I didn't think that way...it's horrible, I know. I just believe that girls don't take as many chances as guys do and they think before their actions...which is why I know that my actions are innocent and that I would never cheat on my bf....but it's hard for me to think the same about him!!! I know that's so bad of me....and like I said..he's given me no reason to NOT trust him...other than finding this that I'm so hung up on.

[AlexCrystal]

Howard....I guess that's why I'm worried about the fact both of us have left these profiles up...because it's exactly how we met each other!!!! Not on yahoo...but on match. We really were both single then and I was way more involved in the whole true meeting thing if there was a connection...and once I met this guy....I didn't partake in the same fashion on yahoo...and haven't since...although, yes my profile is still on their and guys can contact me.

[Howard]

Howard....I guess that's why I'm worried about the fact both of us have left these profiles up...because it's exactly how we met each other!!!! Not on yahoo...but on match. We really were both single then and I was way more involved in the whole true meeting thing if there was a connection...and once I met this guy....I didn't partake in the same fashion on yahoo...and haven't since...although, yes my profile is still on their and guys can contact me.


Well,good luck with him Alex. :)

[inquisitive]

Then your only option really is to talk to him, and say that you realized your profile was still up on Yahoo, and you'd forgotten about it. Say you're going to take it down and ask if he's going to do the same. Then you should have your answer pretty quick!

[eightball61]

And really, I have no way of knowing how in depth he has gone with his personal profile when it comes to contact he may or may not be having with someone.


Thats why you need to bring it up to him instead of making up assumptions that you are getting made over. You need to hear his side before you torure yourself with thoughts.

[AlexCrystal]

Okay...I'm going to talk to him about....when he comes to visit me in a little less than 2 weeks from now. I think I'd rather wait to talk to him in person to see his face than over the phone bringing all this up. I can't thank ya'll enough for the advice...what I like about these forums is that you get unbiased opinions instead of when you ask friends or family members!!

[Howard]

Yeah,it's better to talk to him in person that way both of you can express each other's feeling towards one another. :)

[eightball61]

Okay...I'm going to talk to him about....when he comes to visit me in a little less than 2 weeks from now. I think I'd rather wait to talk to him in person to see his face than over the phone bringing all this up. I can't thank ya'll enough for the advice...what I like about these forums is that you get unbiased opinions instead of when you ask friends or family members!!


Its going to be on your mind up until the time you get to talk to him but try to shake it off until then and keep us posted ;)

[2BDMD]

Alex:

It's tough to "shake" things off once it's embedded in your head. Although talking about this issue in person is ideal, but I'm afraid that it will eat you up inside for the next 10+ days. All you're going to do is think of all these scenarios that may or may not be true. Since you're in a LDR, phone will have to do. If I were you, I will address this concern immediately.

If indeed he is cheating on you with another online mate, don't you want to find out now instead of 2 weeks from now when you see him in person? If he has no malicious intent about the Yahoo profile, don't you want to sleep sound as soon as possible knowing that he's not doing anything with the Yahoo Profile thing?

I would talk to him ASAP, you deserve that much to yourself. I also would like to add, having a profile up on the internet while in a relationship is not "cheating" in my opinion, it is inconsiderate, but not cheating.

[AlexCrystal]

2BDMD.....
I don't think he would come right out (especially over the phone) and say..."yes, I've been cheating on you by meeting and talking in depth to girls I've met on the online personals). Actually....he may even lie to me in person if he's afraid to lose me. How am I going to know if he's telling the truth??? Or will I ever??? Regardless...he knows if he comes out and admits to any wrong doing...that our relationship will be over.....it's almost a catch 22....how will I ever know the truth....just assume what he is telling me is the truth and go on with my life until I find solid evidence?

[inquisitive]

Since he's given you no reason to think he's cheating I would not be continuously looking for evidence of him cheating. If you look hard enough and long enough you'll find something that will convince you he is even if he isn't.

Talk to him about the profile. If he takes it down you would have even more reason to trust him!

[AlexCrystal]

Inquisitive....I must say...this just hit home with me...
"I would not be continuously looking for evidence of him cheating. If you look hard enough and long enough you'll find something that will convince you he is even if he isn't." HOW PROFOUND

I've never thought of it that way....and I'm always digging and digging to see if the guy I'm with might be doing something wrong....I have to learn to let go and let the pieces fall where they may without digging around trying to borrow trouble.
It's so hard to let go and trust completely!!!!!

[inquisitive]

I agree it is hard, but I've found when you do it's 100% better ;)

[eightball61]

It's so hard to let go and trust completely!!!!!


Not being able to trust your partner will make the relationship very hard to work a future with. Trust is an important to a LDR. Typically these things start off good and then partners end up steering on because of communication problems, trust, or lack of patients. You both agreed to this LDR and you need to work together rather than against. By spying on his doings its seems you are looking to find a reason to end thing. Learn to trust.......

You did find something though to question and that will be taken care of when he comes bac After that talk you both need to delete all profiles.

[AlexCrystal]

I know...the trust issue is 100 % me!
He trusts me completely...he never questions anything I do or say EVER!! He is one of the calmest people I know....very rational (hence he's on his last year in law school) :) . If he was spying on me or trying to find anything wrong I've done...he would have stumbled across the fact that my OWN yahoo personal profile is still up! (although like I said...I'm almost 100% sure he knows that I never deleted it...and yet he has never asked me about it) Wonder why?
Unlike myself.....the minute I knew his was still on their I went nuts. Wonder why he didn't react like that if indeed he does know that mine is one there.
Or why isn't he the least bit concerned?


Thanks for all your help! You're great!!!

[eightball61]

Or why isn't he the least bit concerned?





^^ He isn't concerned because he trust you.

[Howard]

Are you gonna talk to him tonight on Yahoo Instant Messenger?

[AlexCrystal]

No....we don't normally talk online....always talk on the phone instead.

[Howard]

No....we don't normally talk online....always talk on the phone instead.



Oh Ok I see.Does he talk nice to you Alex?

[AlexCrystal]

Howard, yes he does! He treats me so well.....probably have never had such a sweet, respecting boyfriend that claims he cares / loves me so much.....which is why it was a shock to see his profile up and running....makes me wonder if he is nothing but a big lie. I'd hate to find out that he is....that would really hurt.....so I can just hope he is a genuine of a person as he comes off to be.

[Howard]

Howard, yes he does! He treats me so well.....probably have never had such a sweet, respecting boyfriend that claims he cares / loves me so much.....which is why it was a shock to see his profile up and running....makes me wonder if he is nothing but a big lie. I'd hate to find out that he is....that would really hurt.....so I can just hope he is a genuine of a person as he comes off to be.



good luck in your relationship,Alex.I wish you the best of luck. ;) :)

[eightball61]

Alex, does he know that your profiles are still up and that you answer to some of them?

[AlexCrystal]

eightball....
I can only imagine he does know that my profile is still up. I'm almost 100% sure he knows it is...although he has NEVER asked me about it. Regardless, he doesn't know that I answer some of them. We are both smart people....I can't also imagine that he thinks that I wouldn't be smart enough to see that his is still on either.

[eightball61]

eightball....
I'm almost 100% sure he knows it is...although he has NEVER asked me about it. Regardless, he doesn't know that I answer some of them.


What I am trying to point out if for you to be prepared if he ask you these questions. I see a lot of wrong doing on both of your ends. You are right and he should have told you about the profile but he could have assumed you knew since you are assuming he knows yours are still. On top of everything you never told him that you answer some of :confused: As far as I see things you both are in the wrong.

The only way to eliminate the problem is to get rid of it. Bring up to him what you encountered, express how you feel, and mention that yours are gone and you like him to delete his..........Right now, it only makes it fair he leaves his up since you have yours up and answering them without him knowing.

[AlexCrystal]

Eightball,
You are absolutely right! It's not right any way you look at it. Normally the few arguements we've had have been over the phone because we are long distance. But I'm really going to try and wait to talk about this in person when he comes here May 6th. I guess regardless of what his intentions may be for still having it up.....either he is devoted to me, or not. If he is looking for something better to come along....then I'd eventually find out anyway....even if I didn't find out about his profile. I can only hope that his being up is not a big deal and that we both agree to take them down. I will keep you posted on what happens. If I had to guess....I believe he will take his down and I of course have no problem doing the same. I just hope I can move past it and not worry that it may be a sign that I can't trust him or a sign that he's looking for something else.
Oh well....here I go again worrying about this!!!

[eightball61]

I can only hope that his being up is not a big deal and that we both agree to take them down..


If he fights about taking it off then its not worth the headache. If this profile wasn't anything to him then he wouldn't have a problem taking it down. As for you , I would advise that you take yours down soon. There is no point in you having yours up right now. All you gotta do is disable the account and if this relationship never work out then you can enable the account after.

[AlexCrystal]

Okay, If anyone's interested...I spoke to my boyfriend about the personals and here's what happened:

A. Even though I THOUGHT he knew I still had my personals profile up...he claims he didn't and that regardless, even if he did know...he wouldn't care if I did have it up because he trusts me.

B. He said the fact I would even dare mention it makes me a hypocrite and it also shows I don't trust him. He said that me asking him "what are your intentions for having an active profile" is the same as accusing him of seeing another girl. He said if I trusted him, I wouldn't have cared he had it up and not even asked.

Maybe I am a hypocrite....but I don't see what good came come from leaving up an active personal profile on a dating site.
I don't think my boyfriend would ever PHYSICALLY cheat on me....he's not that type of person....but I'm not sure how far he would go on an internet relationship.
Where do you draw the line on something like that?
At what point is it cheating?
Is it okay for him to still leave his profile up now that we have discussed it? I told him I took mine down....he said that just because I took mine down doesn't make it necessary for him to take his down or to feel guilty for leaving it up....that it's been up way before we started dating and that going to see who contacts him or looking at the site is no different that looking at a girl in a bar.
Do you agree? Should I just drop the whole thing, not care if he leaves it up and talks to girls on the site and just move on and get over it????

[Rich]

You have a concern.

The comment that he made about leaving his ad up to see who might still contact him means that he is not TOTALLY satisfied, commited or in love with you.

If he did feel totally committed, satisfied and in love with you, then he'd know that he got lucky and found THE one for him and there wouldn't be a need to keep looking.

When someone catch's their one limit "keeper", they stop fishing. IMO by keeping his personal ad active, your BF still has his line in the water and is still fishing.

You're not his "keeper".

Sorry,

Rich

[eightball61]

He is turning things around to making you look like your the bad guy here. I did say that this may happen........... You still have your profile up and by looking in the personals makes it look like to him that you are spying or looking to meet other.

This is why I mentioned that both profiles need to be erased. Technically he has no reason to keep his up because you both are together as a couple and no longer single. He's accusing you of not trusting him because you saw the profile and now want it off. You both are in the wrong here....you can correct yourself by deleting that profile. He can correct himself by deleting his and not turning things onto you.

If this process is going to be a hassle then there is no point in having a relationship when you both can't act like you are in one....

[AlexCrystal]

He originally did say he would take it down if it made me uncomfortable....this was right after I asked him about it...but then the aruguement escalated and turned into a 2 hour ordeal. For some reason, because the profile has been on there before we met...he doesn't see any harm in the fact it has remained up.
It's hard for me to wrap my head around this all because I also had my profile up. If I didn't have a profile up and found his...there is no 2 ways about it...I'd break up. But the fact I had mine up makes me wonder if I should look at it in a more innocent fashion.
I love my boyfriend and wouldn't cheat on him...so the only real reason I think I had mine up was just for fun and not a way to cheat on him behind his back....but to be honest I still don't think me leaving mine up is the proper thing to do...it allows an open door for guys to contact me that think I'm single because I have an ad up. I don't know!!!! I'm so confused. Part of me agrees with Rich that it's a sign he is "still fishing" for other girls....and I want to just say screw you and break up with him....but then part of me would hate to know that this guy has been faithful to me, loves me and really isn't interested in other girls and I threw it all away because I took this too seriously.

[eightball61]

he doesn't see any harm in the fact it has remained up..


What is the importance of the profile staying up? If its not such a big deal to him then he would get rid of it out of respect.......Have you asked him why its up or what's the importance to it being up?

[Rich]

If he wasn't still interested in other girls, then he would take it down.

If he's leaving it up out of spite because of the argument that you two had, then he's immature.

Everyone likes to see if they're interesting to the opposite . It makes our ego feel good when we're approached. But when you're committed to someone you don't keep a sign out looking for it.

Your SO should be feeding your ego and fulfilling that need.

Just my opinion

Rich

[AlexCrystal]

Rich....I appreciate how straightforward you are!!

So let me ask you your opinion on this..

If he takes it down...should I be happy with that and move on?

Or regardless....should I take it as he's looking for other girls PERIOD and no matter whether he takes it down or not I should consider breaking up?

[eightball61]

If he takes it down...should I be happy with that and move on?

Or regardless....should I take it as he's looking for other girls PERIOD and no matter whether he takes it down or not I should consider breaking up?


This is something that you'll have to decide on. You know your situation better than us. If you find it to hard to trust him then maybe it would be best to move on and date someone closer but even then you'll still have to learn to trust or your insecurities will ruin furture relationships.

I almost ruined my current relationship because of my insecurities. I had make the choice to either suck it up or go through many relationships where they fail because of me....I choose to suck it up..

[Rich]

It depends on if he WANTS to take it down or feels forced to take it down.

He should want to take it down on his own because that's what he feels is the right thing to do. Because he loves you to that level and feels that solid with you.

If he takes it down because he feels forced to, but with all things being equal would rather keep it up if he had his choice, then I don't think you guys will last. That little bit of resentment will grow and snow ball on his part. It'll lead to petty arguments all the time about feeling controlled.

Rich

[AlexCrystal]

Hi guys,
I just wanted to tell you that I have decided to break up with my boyfriend. I haven't spoken to him yet and I've shed many tears over this. I love him so much. We had the whole "personals profile" fight a little less than 48 hrs ago and he still hasn't taken it down. He doesn't love me, it's obvious or he would have already taken it down. Yes, since the arguement he has been so loving and he's been begging me to come visit him this weekend. He looks at the arguement as over and moved on from....yet still left the profile up.
Should I break up over the phone? Or should I indeed drive down there this weekend and discuss it then?

[eightball61]

Its always been best to brake up in person. If this would be to much of a hassle for you then don't drive down for him since he doesn't go out of his way for you....

What I don't understand is why you made this decision?

You both were in the wrong because you both had a profile up in these personals without each others knowledge.....He did talk to a girl from a fishing site and flirted some with her but you also have answered replies people would send you in the personals.

In my view, I see every wrong doing in this relationship is equel. I do think its best you both end the relationship and start fresh with someone closer rather than dating cyber world. You need to learn from this expierence though and not to go back to something like it again.

[SALly]

I wouldn't go in person. If you are sure this is what you want to do then just do it over the phone. If you go, it will be a lot harder for you. He could beg or promise to change, etc. leaving you torn..... Unless you want him to beg??!!!! :confused:

[Rich]

If you're certain that you want to break up, then there's no protocol that says that you need to do it face to face.

If there are personal affects that you both have of each other that you want to return and have returned to you, then do it face to face. Other than that you can do it over the phone.

Obviously he values the profile being up on that site over your relationship. Maybe he doesn't realize that it's a relationship breaker, but it shouldn't have come to that regardless. He should have taken it down out of respect for your feelings, like you did with your's. It's called respect, caring, understanding, contentment, happiness and etc.

He's doesn't respect your views or feelings.

He doesn't care about your feelings.

He doesn't understand your views or feelings and the position that you're coming from.

He's not content with you and your relationship and is still looking.

He's not happy with you and your relationship because he's still looking.

Trust your heart and gut feelings Alex and don't let emotions cloud your judgement.

View your relationship for what it is. Do you truly see living with this person happily ever after and forever? If the answer is no, then move on and try again.

Good luck,

Rich

[AlexCrystal]

I think if after the arguement, he would have taken it down....I would be willing to work on the relationship.
Ya see....he is on his last semester of law school...and he thinks and argues like a lawyer. He believes everything should be based on INTENT. He thinks that if he has no intentions of cheating on me whether it be literally or online with another women...then leaving his personal profile up shouldn't matter. At the very beginning of the arguement he said he would take it down (I didn't ask him to)....he also said this PRIOR to him finding out (because I told him) that I had my personals profile up too. Well, that being said....it turned into a bigger arguement because he then called me a hypocrite and he wouldn't move past that point. I told him I took mine down....and he also felt like that was an unfair move and another thing to throw in his face once I brought the issue up....
I thought we were going to break up during this fight...not me being the one to break up...but him...he was very frustrated with me and he told me I had a trust and jealousy issue that wasn't rational and that he just couldn't handle me accusing him of things when I didn't have any facts to back it up (yet another thing a lawyer would say).
So I said...ya know what....don't prolong this...just break up with me....it's what you're doing anyway....so let's not bother argueing anymore.
There was dead silence. Then he said that he didn't want to break up with me....that he loved me and didn't want to stop seeing me.
Sooooooooo....here I've waited for almost 2 days just to see if he would take the profile down after all this....and I know he knows I've gone to look....and yep...still there, plain as day.
I don't think I have any other choice than to break up with him....I think it was a shi**y move on his part to NOT immediately take it down.

[eightball61]

I don't think I have any other choice than to break up with him....I think it was a shi**y move on his part to NOT immediately take it down.


Alexcrystal, May I ask you something?

Why is it that your ignoring the fact that you did the same thing he did? Why is he just in the wrong? Do you consider yourself in the wrong? If you don't then why?

[AlexCrystal]

8Ball,
I do see myself in the wrong....honestly I do.
I think the defining factor here is that I took mine down and he still hasn't. Maybe part of him is leaving it up for spite...because he was really upset over the whole thing because he feels it's not a big deal and it's certainly not a big deal if I also had mine up. He was also mad because it was yet another form of spying on my behalf. He said that I purposely went digging just like I did on the fishing forum. He said the reason he didn't know I had my profile up is because he doesn't spy on me and has no desire to try and "bust" me on something because he trusts me.

[SALly]

8Ball,
I do see myself in the wrong....honestly I do.
I think the defining factor here is that I took mine down and he still hasn't. Maybe part of him is leaving it up for spite...because he was really upset over the whole thing because he feels it's not a big deal and it's certainly not a big deal if I also had mine up. He was also mad because it was yet another form of spying on my behalf. He said that I purposely went digging just like I did on the fishing forum. He said the reason he didn't know I had my profile up is because he doesn't spy on me and has no desire to try and "bust" me on something because he trusts me.
You are just digging. Why are you so insecure. I would leave mine up just for spite too if I were him. Why can't you ease up and understand that he isn't going to cut off all communication to the world now that you are in the picture (you didn't- until just now). You have said he hadn't give you any reason to not trust him. What happens if he ends up with a female co-worker? Would you freak out? I'm just thinking that if you break up, you will just end up in the same situation with your next boyfriend when you start "digging" again. I fyou really like him can't you just try to trust a little bit and see what happens.... you don't need to be planning a wedding...just be happy with what you have right now for a while. Sorry- just saying what's on my mind!

[eightball61]

8Ball,
I do see myself in the wrong....honestly I do.
I think the defining factor here is that I took mine down and he still hasn't. .


My intentions are to better understand what you are doing and also to get you to think about your actions. I was unware that you have taken your profile off. I ask multiple times and never got an answer so I assumed that you never removed it.

Your decision for ending things is what you see as a good choice. I do agree that this is the way to go. You both are not working together as a team in this relationship therefor its not worth adding anymore extra effort. My suggestion though for the future though is maybe take some time off from dating and when you feel things are right then try to find a local match.

[SALly]

I guess I have another feeling too, that you are just breaking it off out of spite over the fact that he didnt' take his profile down.....

[AlexCrystal]

Sally,
I guess that's why I've had such a mental struggle with this...tug of war with my thoughts about what to do.
I must say, Sally, before finding the profile thing....this guy has been PERFECT to me. I've never had a "horrible" boyfriend....but out of the guys I have gotten serious with...he's at the top of the list....never been treated so well.
So then I come across the talking to the girl on the fishing forum and then the profile and it makes me question everything I've known about him so far....has it all been a lie? Granted, I think I may have gone overboard about the fishing forum girl....but I can't seem to shake him still leaving the profile up.
By the way, in case I never told you....I'm 27 and he's 24. Not that I thing age is a big deal...but it gives a better perspective on things. (I know there are young teens on here...and I'm not saying their problems are any less than mine...but I think advice should come in different forms based on where someone is in their life....in other words big difference if I were 16 and he was 17 or something) :-)

[SALly]

Sally,
I guess that's why I've had such a mental struggle with this...tug of war with my thoughts about what to do.
I must say, Sally, before finding the profile thing....this guy has been PERFECT to me. I've never had a "horrible" boyfriend....but out of the guys I have gotten serious with...he's at the top of the list....never been treated so well.
So then I come across the talking to the girl on the fishing forum and then the profile and it makes me question everything I've known about him so far....has it all been a lie? Granted, I think I may have gone overboard about the fishing forum girl....but I can't seem to shake him still leaving the profile up.
By the way, in case I never told you....I'm 27 and he's 24. Not that I thing age is a big deal...but it gives a better perspective on things. (I know there are young teens on here...and I'm not saying their problems are any less than mine...but I think advice should come in different forms based on where someone is in their life....in other words big difference if I were 16 and he was 17 or something) :-)
I know how old you guys are.

[AlexCrystal]

And I think your advice has been right on based upon our age!!! I just wanted it to be clear for anyone else that may read the thread and want to give advice. :-) Thanks for all your input

[Rich]

It's always better to step back and let things cool, rather than to keep arguing.

In regards to the profile, I had read in earlier posts that Alex had taken hers down when it became an issue. As stated, he did not.

The argument that he's keeping it up out of spite, which is supported by some folks on this post shows a lack of maturity.

Let me ask a question. What's better for a relationship, to act childish and out of spite and do something that keeps alive hurtful feelings, or to act maturely (maybe swallow your pride) and do what's right for the relationship and take it down?

Does one care more about their pride and doing something out of spite instead of the person that they supposedly love? Which should be more important to a person? Should a small thing like taking down some stupid personal ad on some stupid web site be more important to a person than the person that they supposedly love?

Well is it?

It shouldn't be. But in his, case it is. His pride and doing something out of spite, that he knows bothers his girlfriend, is more important to him then how the person that he supposedly loves, feels.

Not very mature.

Not very understanding

Not very caring.

Not very respectful.

People are who they are right? So if he's making this stand now on this stupid and small issue, then what makes one think that he won't act this way on other issues in the future? Do you think that there won't be other stands made in the sand, or other acts of spite?

There will be!

Step back and look at the bigger picture in regards to personalities and future actions.

And as for the lawyer argument of intent. Ask him about false advertising and about if it's against the law for stores to advetise what they have no intention to sell or that they don't even have in stock. They call it false advertising for a reason.

By him having his profile up on that site he's advertising. If he has no INTENT to date anyone, then he's falsely advertising. Throw that argument at Mr. Lawyer to be. Ask him if he's falsely advertising and if he should be doing that?

Rich

[eightball61]

Starting over to a new relationship may be just the best thing. As I said though, learn from everything that happened here and move on....

[SALly]

Starting over to a new relationship may be just the best thing. As I said though, learn from everything that happened here and move on....
BUT on the other hand, he could just be a little immature, all gung ho with being almost done with school. He's probably got a ton of little ideas like the ones he brought up that he is trying out. Maybe once he matures a little bit and gets into the real working world, he could be a heck of a nice guy.

Alexcrystal- what is with the age thing? Do you think you are more mature than him since you are older? And maybe the trust issue is that you feel he is younger so therefore immature?

[eightball61]

he could be a heck of a nice guy.




You could be correct but I am not going to advise her to stick around and see what happens. This guy is 27 and as far as I am concerned he should be at that level on knowing how to handle a mature relationship. He is not 17 so he should no better on what respect is...........

[AlexCrystal]

Sally,
I don't think I'm any more mature than him....I just think that due to the fact he's 24 he doesn't take this relationship as seriously as I do.
Without a doubt, this guy will be wonderful to someone one day....I wish it was me....I really do....but I think by him leaving the profile up...it is another way of saying "I'm not the one for him"....and it hurts me to say that...but I know no other way to look at it. This isn't going to be easy.

[SALly]

You could be correct but I am not going to advise her to stick around and see what happens. This guy is 27 and as far as I am concerned he should be at that level on knowing how to handle a mature relationship. He is not 17 so he should no better on what respect is...........
I think he's 24. He has probably bene in school his whole life so far, so to a certain point he doesn't really know much beyond that yet. But i do see what you are saying too. He should know how to act like a human being. I would break up with him also, he reminds me of my husband, who always will think he makes more money and is better than me at everything--- just by him giving her the "lawyer" talk. (But yet I'll stay with my husband??)

[AlexCrystal]

Eightbal...I'm the one that's 27....he's 24.

[SALly]

Sally,
I don't think I'm any more mature than him....I just think that due to the fact he's 24 he doesn't take this relationship as seriously as I do.
Without a doubt, this guy will be wonderful to someone one day....I wish it was me....I really do....but I think by him leaving the profile up...it is another way of saying "I'm not the one for him"....and it hurts me to say that...but I know no other way to look at it. This isn't going to be easy.
I see what you are saying.... So are you going to go see him or call?
(One point I was trying to make about that he is doing this out of spite --- is that you may have pushed him by your spying to feel that spite). And like 8Ball said- you both have been in the wrong on some things.....Sorry- I guess it just isn't one that is meant to be right now......maybe in a couple years... ;)

[eightball61]

Eightbal...I'm the one that's 27....he's 24.


Yuh...so I am 23...

I understand we all have different maturity levels and mature at different rates but again he is not 17 and and as far as I am concerned he should know a little better on what "respect" is......thats all

[AlexCrystal]

I 100% believe that one 23 year old guy can be extremely, in all aspects, more mature than some other 23 year old guy. You, for one eightball, proves this. (obviously being the mature one) :-) hee hee

[Rich]

What about me....i'm 17.

[AlexCrystal]

are you serious????????? No way jose!!!! 17????
Haaa haaa haaa

[inquisitive]

17 with 8 kids? :eek:




:)

[eightball61]

Rich got busy as a young one :p

[Rich]

What can I say....I started young. LOL

Alright, busted. 41 on my way to 110. :D

[eightball61]

When you reach 110 you will be known as the "old wise man". You earned that title.... :p

[Rich]

LOL

Thanks.

And I'll still be looking for some.

[Rich]

Sorry to go off track, Alex. Is there anything that you'd still like advice on?

Have we wrapped this up?

[AlexCrystal]

No problem, Rich! It's nice to have a little fun around here too!!
As for me....yep, I guess we can wrap it up. I think breaking up is probably what I should do...but I may just cool off and back off for a few days before I do break up.

[eightball61]

but I may just cool off and back off for a few days before I do break up.


Please keep us posted....

[Rich]

Fun is good.

Life should be fun.

Relationships should be 90-95% fun and the rest work. Not the other way around.

Any relationship that is more work than fun isn't one worth staying in.

Rich

[Howard]

Fun is good.

Life should be fun.

Relationships should be 90-95% fun and the rest work. Not the other way around.

Any relationship that is more work than fun isn't one worth staying in.

Rich

You defintely have a point there Rich. :)

[Howard]

What about me....i'm 17.


Hey,I'm 31 years old. :D

[AlexCrystal]

I just got back from Florida. I had decided I would act okay and just see how he acted (now remember he still hadn't taken the profile down). Of course he was very loving like he always is.
Well yesterday he had to leave for an hour to go do something for his brother and I decided to stay at his place until he got back.
Well needless to say (because I have a spying problem) I went on his computer and was able to get his password so I logged on to his personal profile on yahoo. He had sent what are called "icebreakers"...kinda like to say hello, I'm interested...to almost 70 girls within the last 4 months. Only about 3 responded to him and 2 of those were within the last week or so. Well, then I went to his hotmail and read a couple back and forth messages between him and one of the girls that he met from yahoo. It was the normal chit chat when you first meet someone..."here's my pic" "this is what I do in my spart time" "looking forward to getting to know you" blah blah blah.
Well, to make a long story short....when he came home we went to a movie and went to eat ice cream..I played it very cool.
When I got up this morning to leave I calmly looked at him and said "I want to end this relationship".
He asked why, I said because all this time you said I needed to work on my trust issue...it was YOU that was not worthy of trusting.
He claimed he was confused and didn't understand. I said "do I really need to spell it out for you?" You and I both know you have lied and cheated through this entire relationship. He said nothing. I got up and he helped me with my bags to the car. He said, "I want you to know I never physically cheated on you, NEVER"....I said it didn't matter whether it was physical or emotional. He asked me how I found out...and then I said...that doesn't matter either. He said..."I know, you went on my computer".
I calmly got in my car and drove off. I never rasied my voice hardly above a whisper the entire time...I think he was completely shocked how I a handled it.
He tried calling me a few times on the 4 1/2 hr drive I had back..but I didn't answer. He left a message and said check your email.
He wrote me this long email about how these 6 months have been the best of his life...that he would have never cheated on me with any of those girls online that he was just flirting and he did it because he was bored...and that it was innocent. He said that he loves me so much that he knows I can have any guy I want and that he could see himself with me forever and that it would have been a dream come true. He over and over again said he loved me and that he would do anything to work it out...that it was killing him.
I haven't responded to his email....should I respond or cut off all contact????? Oh yea, sure enough he has taken the personal profile down off the site since we broke up this morning. Too little, too late I guess??

[SALly]

Ugh...I would cut off all contact. Like you said, too little, too late.

[eightball61]

I wouldn't respond to the letter but that would be your decision. If you respond keep it simple and get out what you need for closure. If you want nothing to do with him anymore then state that in the email because he may not give up for a while.

I am glad you got what you needed to know this past weekend. Spying is typically wrong but you had a good right to do so. You held longer than I would have but you still did what you needed to do.

Your focus now is to try to move past this. Stay single for a little bit until you feel you are ready to date again. If it was me I wouldn't do anymore relationships over the net. Try to stick local so you can find a relationship where you can learn to trust and grow with that potential partner.

[inquisitive]

I just got back from Florida. I had decided I would act okay and just see how he acted (now remember he still hadn't taken the profile down). Of course he was very loving like he always is.
Well yesterday he had to leave for an hour to go do something for his brother and I decided to stay at his place until he got back.
Well needless to say (because I have a spying problem) I went on his computer and was able to get his password so I logged on to his personal profile on yahoo. He had sent what are called "icebreakers"...kinda like to say hello, I'm interested...to almost 70 girls within the last 4 months. Only about 3 responded to him and 2 of those were within the last week or so. Well, then I went to his hotmail and read a couple back and forth messages between him and one of the girls that he met from yahoo. It was the normal chit chat when you first meet someone..."here's my pic" "this is what I do in my spart time" "looking forward to getting to know you" blah blah blah.
Well, to make a long story short....when he came home we went to a movie and went to eat ice cream..I played it very cool.
When I got up this morning to leave I calmly looked at him and said "I want to end this relationship".
He asked why, I said because all this time you said I needed to work on my trust issue...it was YOU that was not worthy of trusting.
He claimed he was confused and didn't understand. I said "do I really need to spell it out for you?" You and I both know you have lied and cheated through this entire relationship. He said nothing. I got up and he helped me with my bags to the car. He said, "I want you to know I never physically cheated on you, NEVER"....I said it didn't matter whether it was physical or emotional. He asked me how I found out...and then I said...that doesn't matter either. He said..."I know, you went on my computer".
I calmly got in my car and drove off. I never rasied my voice hardly above a whisper the entire time...I think he was completely shocked how I a handled it.
He tried calling me a few times on the 4 1/2 hr drive I had back..but I didn't answer. He left a message and said check your email.
He wrote me this long email about how these 6 months have been the best of his life...that he would have never cheated on me with any of those girls online that he was just flirting and he did it because he was bored...and that it was innocent. He said that he loves me so much that he knows I can have any guy I want and that he could see himself with me forever and that it would have been a dream come true. He over and over again said he loved me and that he would do anything to work it out...that it was killing him.
I haven't responded to his email....should I respond or cut off all contact????? Oh yea, sure enough he has taken the personal profile down off the site since we broke up this morning. Too little, too late I guess??

OK you responded too!!!!! You've already admitted this. You responded to some of the guys that sent you messages. So what he did is no worse than what you did, and breaking up with him over a few emails (that you did the exact same thing, and used the exact same reason - it was innocent) is over the top!

[SALly]

It seems best for them to just break it off as neither of them really seems ready for a serious one-on-one relationship.

[inquisitive]

You're probably right. They're both doing things that most people wouldn't do while in a committed relationship. I just felt I had to point that out because blaming it on him is not fair.

[eightball61]

I totally agree with both of your thoughts. Her ending the relationship was the best thing for the both of them so they can answer what ever incoming messages they get witout hiding anything anymore.

[Rich]

Don't go back. You'd never be able to trust him. All relationships get boring from time to time. What happens every time you feel that your relationship is in the down part of the cycle? Would you be worrying that he was doing something that he shouldn't be? Probably.

IMO, it's best to end it.

It's not so much how you miss something when it's gone, it's how you treat it when you have it. Of course he misses you, it's human nature. His treatment of you while he had you speaks the loudest.

Rich